I don't believe in magic anymore.
It's taken me this long to admit it to myself, so now I guess the next step is admitting it to everyone else. I'm not okay. I'm still in love with someone who obviously doesn't love me anymore and maybe never did. Maybe it's not that I love who he actually is but I love who he worked so hard to convice me he was. Everyone keeps saying it's better that I learn this lesson at the point in life I'm at now rather than later on but it still sucks. How could a living, feeling human being do this to another living, FEELING human being? This pain is worse than any physical pain. I remember this feeling from a long time ago. Oddly enough, the last time I felt this way it was about the same person in a very different situation.
I think ontop of all that, I'm angry. I just keep thinking what a waste of a year and a half of both of our lives that we'll never get back. Why be with someone if your heart isn't in it? I could maybe understand if it wasn't a long-distance thing. He's a guy. Guys like to get laid. But it's not even like that happened enough for him to hold on as long as he did. What was the point? There was someone up there who was obviously keeping his mind off of everything so why the HELL would he do this to me? Why of all times did this happen during my Senior year in High School when I should have been going out and having a good time?
I don't mean to complain because I know everything happens for a reason but this hurts so bad. It seems like nothing I do makes this any better. I go to the gym and run my friggin brains out and that helps...for maybe an hour. I work 7 days a week, a lot of times 14 and 15 hour days and that helps...for maybe a few hours. No matter how hard I work myself or how many wonderful people (Raymi, Dex, Andrew, Scott, Mike, Ben) I surround myself with it only gets worse with every passing day. I don't understand why people say time heals everything because it's not working.
Don't get me wrong, I wasn't lying about being optimistic about everything and I am grateful that I'm learing a very valuable lesson with all of this but it hurts SO BAD. Maybe if I keep working and keep running and keep pushing myself, this will get better. I hope so. If not, that means that not only was David lying to me all this time but it means that I've been lying to myself this whole time too.
I think ontop of all that, I'm angry. I just keep thinking what a waste of a year and a half of both of our lives that we'll never get back. Why be with someone if your heart isn't in it? I could maybe understand if it wasn't a long-distance thing. He's a guy. Guys like to get laid. But it's not even like that happened enough for him to hold on as long as he did. What was the point? There was someone up there who was obviously keeping his mind off of everything so why the HELL would he do this to me? Why of all times did this happen during my Senior year in High School when I should have been going out and having a good time?
I don't mean to complain because I know everything happens for a reason but this hurts so bad. It seems like nothing I do makes this any better. I go to the gym and run my friggin brains out and that helps...for maybe an hour. I work 7 days a week, a lot of times 14 and 15 hour days and that helps...for maybe a few hours. No matter how hard I work myself or how many wonderful people (Raymi, Dex, Andrew, Scott, Mike, Ben) I surround myself with it only gets worse with every passing day. I don't understand why people say time heals everything because it's not working.
Don't get me wrong, I wasn't lying about being optimistic about everything and I am grateful that I'm learing a very valuable lesson with all of this but it hurts SO BAD. Maybe if I keep working and keep running and keep pushing myself, this will get better. I hope so. If not, that means that not only was David lying to me all this time but it means that I've been lying to myself this whole time too.