i have been staring at this blank "post an entry" page
for quite a while now. Uhh, lets see. I can't remember the last time i actually updated. Lets get this updating thing out of the way because I feel like writing something that has nothing to do with my current situation.
Lets see,
I am back home. back to doing nothing. I have a new outlook on life it seems. That is, the Leave Me Alone, I Just Want To Be Alone Age. I swear, i am some kinda late bloomer. Finally getting out of the Depressed Age and evolving into this whole...teen angst thing. I am too old for this shit. I dunno why i got into this mood. Anyway, enough about that. I am slowly getting out of it.
I met a black girl a month ago. I dunno if i posted about this yet. If you get past my whole "i really don't like her" facade and get into the honest truth. I'm freakin afraid of developing feelings for yet another girl. i believe that getting my heart torn out will happen if i did. i mean, obviously, she is not all that serious about this. Not only that, but she's both very sexually forward and active. She lets her intentions be known. I am not really into that kind of thing. She kind of pressures me into sex, and i feel so emasculated for several reasons.
1. i'm either too freaked out or too prude to just constantly go over there and hit that shit.
2. she's making all the moves.
3. I'm not jumping on that shit eagerly.
I mean, i suppose i kind of regard myself as a gentleman in some sort of way. not only that, but i guess i'm old fashioned. I guess i have to have feelings for a girl for it to work out like that. And every girl i've ever had feelings for left me high and dry. well, no dry eyes at least.
anyway, as with everything else in my life, it makes me uncomfortable so i will try to avoid it all together.
I mean, she's not completely terrible. It's a girl, right? That's what i've been whining over for like 3 years. And now that i have a girl who wants to pay attention to me i can't stand it because she's not very interesting and probably just wants to (as the kids say) hit it and quit it. I dunno, maybe i just don't want to be used.
anyway, i got off the main topic there. She's not completely terrible. She can make me laugh with certain witty comments. But sometimes, i dunno if it's on purpose or what. Like a few times, she's made me laugh pretty hard. That's a difficult thing to achieve if you know me. I will chuckle at things. but actual laughter..that is foreign to my lips. And she kind of has the same god questioning stance as i do. That's tough to find around here.
but, i think the main thing is, i'm afraid of commitment now. I mean, even committing to seeing her every other night.
like i said, i am at the point where i just want to be left alone.
Lets see, what else.
I turned 24 recently. Happy birthday to me, eh? It was the first birthday in about....6 years that i was happy on. Kravis and my wet blanket of a friend John came to visit. We had a grand meal at this Japanese place i love then went to the Stonewall. here, lets do this real quick.
Oh, Stonewall
With your wall of stone
and your pitchers of intoxicants
Oh, Stonewall
Won't you sing me to sleep
with your devastating liquors
and your army of collar poppin douches.
I dunno why i did that just now. That's just what i do, though. I call it An Ode To Stonewall. Clever name, eh?
anyway, it was fun.
Also, i am thinking of taking along trip to arizona. It will be a jump in the dark. but, i have said before that if i wanna do it, i should probably just dive in. It scares the hell out of me, to be honest. Jumping out of my comfort zone and being around people...all the time.
but i have faith that i won't die at least.
okay, lets see...
oh yeah here's this:
The Continuation of UNTITLED STORY THAT I WROTE ON A WHIM AND I THINK IS REALLY DUMB, BUT WILL CONTINUE ANYWAY.
Three months had past since they had last heard from each other. John was several thousand miles away from Rachael, but that had never stopped them before. The last time she had heard from him, he was in a bad way. He was swearing and sobbing and he sounded drunk. This was a great surprise to her. Not because she had known him to be a sober man. He had always been like this...at least, from what she could tell in his letters. You see, John and Rachael had been pen pals for years. They had met in some silly thing in school where you'd write to another person in another country. She was the only one who was still in contact with hers. Even after 5 years. This was not true anymore. You could imagine how much it rattled her when a man she had never known beyond words and letters called her out of the blue, sobbing and hysterical and drunk. Rachael was understandably suspicious when she received the call. she had never given him any personal information. Still, she had a gut feeling that this was him.
Now it had been three months since that call. No letters, no more calls, no word on what happened to him. There was no way to check up on him and she had no contact with his family. Three months of worry can do terrible things to a person. Rachael began to fall apart, she was absent from work at least once a week. She had taken up drinking herself. She realized that she was slowly becoming like John. At least, what she had imagined him to be like from the letters.
One night in a drunken guilt-ridden frenzy, she read every word in 5 years worth of letters trying to determine some kind of clue to what could have happened to him. She began to blame herself and was desperately grasping at straws to find a solution. Any clue to where he might have gone.
HERE GOES.
That night, he kept blaming himself for what happened. She never understood what happened, though. The call had came so abruptly, and it was such a shock that she barely remembered any of the words he said. But it still haunted her, those lost drunken slurred words.
She went through every letter and every word and found nothing. No hints or clues at all. Sometimes people just disappear, never to be seen again.
well, i can't go on. i'm really tired and i'm sure it'll just get even shittier.
goodnight.
Lets see,
I am back home. back to doing nothing. I have a new outlook on life it seems. That is, the Leave Me Alone, I Just Want To Be Alone Age. I swear, i am some kinda late bloomer. Finally getting out of the Depressed Age and evolving into this whole...teen angst thing. I am too old for this shit. I dunno why i got into this mood. Anyway, enough about that. I am slowly getting out of it.
I met a black girl a month ago. I dunno if i posted about this yet. If you get past my whole "i really don't like her" facade and get into the honest truth. I'm freakin afraid of developing feelings for yet another girl. i believe that getting my heart torn out will happen if i did. i mean, obviously, she is not all that serious about this. Not only that, but she's both very sexually forward and active. She lets her intentions be known. I am not really into that kind of thing. She kind of pressures me into sex, and i feel so emasculated for several reasons.
1. i'm either too freaked out or too prude to just constantly go over there and hit that shit.
2. she's making all the moves.
3. I'm not jumping on that shit eagerly.
I mean, i suppose i kind of regard myself as a gentleman in some sort of way. not only that, but i guess i'm old fashioned. I guess i have to have feelings for a girl for it to work out like that. And every girl i've ever had feelings for left me high and dry. well, no dry eyes at least.
anyway, as with everything else in my life, it makes me uncomfortable so i will try to avoid it all together.
I mean, she's not completely terrible. It's a girl, right? That's what i've been whining over for like 3 years. And now that i have a girl who wants to pay attention to me i can't stand it because she's not very interesting and probably just wants to (as the kids say) hit it and quit it. I dunno, maybe i just don't want to be used.
anyway, i got off the main topic there. She's not completely terrible. She can make me laugh with certain witty comments. But sometimes, i dunno if it's on purpose or what. Like a few times, she's made me laugh pretty hard. That's a difficult thing to achieve if you know me. I will chuckle at things. but actual laughter..that is foreign to my lips. And she kind of has the same god questioning stance as i do. That's tough to find around here.
but, i think the main thing is, i'm afraid of commitment now. I mean, even committing to seeing her every other night.
like i said, i am at the point where i just want to be left alone.
Lets see, what else.
I turned 24 recently. Happy birthday to me, eh? It was the first birthday in about....6 years that i was happy on. Kravis and my wet blanket of a friend John came to visit. We had a grand meal at this Japanese place i love then went to the Stonewall. here, lets do this real quick.
Oh, Stonewall
With your wall of stone
and your pitchers of intoxicants
Oh, Stonewall
Won't you sing me to sleep
with your devastating liquors
and your army of collar poppin douches.
I dunno why i did that just now. That's just what i do, though. I call it An Ode To Stonewall. Clever name, eh?
anyway, it was fun.
Also, i am thinking of taking along trip to arizona. It will be a jump in the dark. but, i have said before that if i wanna do it, i should probably just dive in. It scares the hell out of me, to be honest. Jumping out of my comfort zone and being around people...all the time.
but i have faith that i won't die at least.
okay, lets see...
oh yeah here's this:
The Continuation of UNTITLED STORY THAT I WROTE ON A WHIM AND I THINK IS REALLY DUMB, BUT WILL CONTINUE ANYWAY.
Three months had past since they had last heard from each other. John was several thousand miles away from Rachael, but that had never stopped them before. The last time she had heard from him, he was in a bad way. He was swearing and sobbing and he sounded drunk. This was a great surprise to her. Not because she had known him to be a sober man. He had always been like this...at least, from what she could tell in his letters. You see, John and Rachael had been pen pals for years. They had met in some silly thing in school where you'd write to another person in another country. She was the only one who was still in contact with hers. Even after 5 years. This was not true anymore. You could imagine how much it rattled her when a man she had never known beyond words and letters called her out of the blue, sobbing and hysterical and drunk. Rachael was understandably suspicious when she received the call. she had never given him any personal information. Still, she had a gut feeling that this was him.
Now it had been three months since that call. No letters, no more calls, no word on what happened to him. There was no way to check up on him and she had no contact with his family. Three months of worry can do terrible things to a person. Rachael began to fall apart, she was absent from work at least once a week. She had taken up drinking herself. She realized that she was slowly becoming like John. At least, what she had imagined him to be like from the letters.
One night in a drunken guilt-ridden frenzy, she read every word in 5 years worth of letters trying to determine some kind of clue to what could have happened to him. She began to blame herself and was desperately grasping at straws to find a solution. Any clue to where he might have gone.
HERE GOES.
That night, he kept blaming himself for what happened. She never understood what happened, though. The call had came so abruptly, and it was such a shock that she barely remembered any of the words he said. But it still haunted her, those lost drunken slurred words.
She went through every letter and every word and found nothing. No hints or clues at all. Sometimes people just disappear, never to be seen again.
well, i can't go on. i'm really tired and i'm sure it'll just get even shittier.
goodnight.