Summer blues?
I just came back from a 90 minute walk with my beautiful dog. We traipsed all over our neighbourhood, onto the trail, down to Hastings, beside the pitch'n'putt and then onto the baseball field where we marveled at how our tax dollars were being spent keeping the grass so green. There was a single little beige mushroom that peeked its head up, crying defiance - Dudley sniffed it and made a face. I really needed that walk to clear my head.. would have kept walking longer, but Dudley was giving me that contemptuous look of "Why are you making me exercise?"
More and more I'm contemplating the idea of moving away after I'm done my degree. I love my friends here but I'm starting to hate Vancouver. I haven't done everything there is to do in this city, but I've done everything that I want to do. People here can be so aloof and unfriendly, and every 20-something in East Van has a douchy art or music scene that is just too pretentious for my comfort. The notion of a "scene" at all reminds me of high school, and Vancouver seems at times just one enormous high school where everyone has slept with one another. I feel like I'm living in the wrong time to just be a normal adult who wants to ride a bike and wear a scarf every once in a while. I guess I'm boring, but a simple life has always been the best one for me.
My great escape is Tofino for a few months next summer, if all goes well. I want to rent a place where Dudley and I can hang out, and I can go surf and read and write and hike and camp alone. Knit, make cards and scrapbooks, cook, bake.. all alone. I'm envisioning some sort of awesome wood cabin with snowshoes mounted on the wall but I imagine the place I'll get will be way more ghetto. No bars, no boys, no distractions of the superficial type. I need to clear my head and figure things out. I always feel a little displaced and I'm fine with that, but as I get older I feel like.. well, that I am too old for this misplaced identity stuff. Does this go away, eventually? It feels like every few years, I misfire on every action possible and end up absolutely lost and detached from the person I strove to be.
This past year has felt like a personal waste, and I aim to change that. Really I do. The notion of stagnating as a human being actually hurts, it aches. I'm sitting here crying like a fool on a Saturday night, wondering what the fuck a person has to do to be really happy.
Anyway, I've never been so relieved to have a rainy day. Perfect for making a huge breakfast and 2pm and eating it all, and then collapsing on the couch for a long nap before waking up and having a long walk. Then tonight I'm going to read and try to write a paper with Danielle. And that's all I really want.
But minus the heartachiness of having to write an entry like this one.
More and more I'm contemplating the idea of moving away after I'm done my degree. I love my friends here but I'm starting to hate Vancouver. I haven't done everything there is to do in this city, but I've done everything that I want to do. People here can be so aloof and unfriendly, and every 20-something in East Van has a douchy art or music scene that is just too pretentious for my comfort. The notion of a "scene" at all reminds me of high school, and Vancouver seems at times just one enormous high school where everyone has slept with one another. I feel like I'm living in the wrong time to just be a normal adult who wants to ride a bike and wear a scarf every once in a while. I guess I'm boring, but a simple life has always been the best one for me.
My great escape is Tofino for a few months next summer, if all goes well. I want to rent a place where Dudley and I can hang out, and I can go surf and read and write and hike and camp alone. Knit, make cards and scrapbooks, cook, bake.. all alone. I'm envisioning some sort of awesome wood cabin with snowshoes mounted on the wall but I imagine the place I'll get will be way more ghetto. No bars, no boys, no distractions of the superficial type. I need to clear my head and figure things out. I always feel a little displaced and I'm fine with that, but as I get older I feel like.. well, that I am too old for this misplaced identity stuff. Does this go away, eventually? It feels like every few years, I misfire on every action possible and end up absolutely lost and detached from the person I strove to be.
This past year has felt like a personal waste, and I aim to change that. Really I do. The notion of stagnating as a human being actually hurts, it aches. I'm sitting here crying like a fool on a Saturday night, wondering what the fuck a person has to do to be really happy.
Anyway, I've never been so relieved to have a rainy day. Perfect for making a huge breakfast and 2pm and eating it all, and then collapsing on the couch for a long nap before waking up and having a long walk. Then tonight I'm going to read and try to write a paper with Danielle. And that's all I really want.
But minus the heartachiness of having to write an entry like this one.