(no subject)
wow okay so heres the deal, jason and i have discided to go on the methadone.
i know that this is for real thsi time. we had been talking about it for a while ever since we came to the realization that we are seriously addicted to morphine.
i want so badly to kick it but we need the methadone to wean ourselfs off cuz we cant do it ourselves. at lease with the methadone it'll be clinicly managed safely instead of "managing" it ourselves and putting our health on the line. i hate the constint struggle of trying to have dope so we dont get sick, looking, scoring, not saving, running around. i cant be a full time drug addict and have a full time life. i need to stop. and im glad to say we found a doctor willing to help, we just haft to go in and meet him and get assess. i feel like i have hope that i can manage my life in a sane and normal way. i want to get clean and move on to my life as an artist. im in a great program but my addiction is jeopardizing my position there.
i could get kicked out. for always being late, not showing up cuz im dopesick and im desperetly on the search to find opitates just so i can go to school. not working or paying attention cuz im on the nod. my mood swings and everything else that gets in the way of my success.
I have recived alot of support as well as some new oportunities.
theres this guy whos a highly sucessful graffitti/tattoo artist who i look up to alot (he doesnt know it but he makes me so nervous that i act like an idoit in front of him cuz hes so talented and has this major rep) who's willing to sort of show me the insides of the tattoo world and is giving me his own flash to practice with and do copy work. this is just the start. i need to prove to him im serious. hes telling me how its super competitive and that actual tattoo artist actually try and discurage ppl from wanting to learn as a way of weeding people out. i feel like my own mentor keeps trying to lead me away from trying to persuse my goal, she keeps saying how i might do better in designing, and that red river collage has these design courses, since my design ideas keep getting choosen by clients for murals. shes trying to show me other career options specaily since she heard that stuff about how cut throat the tattoo world is. I aprecate it but when she says things kinda like "you should look into Design cuz so-and-so says that getting into the tattoo world is really hard to get accepted by".I feel like my own mentor doesnt think i can do it.
but FUCK that and FUCK anyone who doubts me. Im going to do it. i know i can, cuz when i set my heart on something i fucking get it done. ive always been like that.
when i wanted to get up and start my life over, i did it. i went to many different cities, alone and on the streets alot of the time but i always manage to survive.
when i wanted to learn how to hop fucking trains i fucking got up and fucking scouted out a yard. i did it. i travelled, spring, summer, fall and fucking dead winter.
When i first met jason, we were two different people. our eyes met and i knew i was going to marry him. and at that time i was deffinitly not his type but i made it happen. i broke through his barriers and saw the real him and vice versa. we became best friends and now we're lovers, very much in love and engaged to be married next summer. if it wasnt for the fact that we both discided to have an actual wedding party for our friends and family we would have married last year, at the law courts for just one hundred dollars.
and now my heart is set on getting clean and continuing my plans that i have carefully laid out. nothings going to stop me.