Uncanny X-Men: A Summary
This is what I got from Uncanny 523:
At a random mini-mart:
Cable: *robs the store, like the hero he is*
Hope, the much-heralded savior of the mutant race: *stares raptly at haircare products*
Cable: *has a fit*
Elsewhere:
Logan: *Interrogates Purity guy really badly*
Kurt: *flails around in shock* OMG!! Logan kills people?? How can this be? All this time, I never knew!
Logan: *kills Purity guy gratuitously to send Kurt into an epileptic fit of flailing* Yup.
Kurt: *continues having an confusing and self-righteous hissy fit* How can Scott allow Logan to kill people?? People who are trying to kill us! This is horrifying!!
Betsy: As a former STRIKE agent and pseudo-Asian assissian, I too find it abhorrent and shocking that Logan is killing people!
Kurt (in his new role as X-Men Bridezilla): Hank was right! Scott has betrayed us! Somehow! And Logan is still killing people! I quit!
Peter (as the sole voice of reason, god help us all): Uh...erm...shouldn't we deal with the people trying to kill Us and the sole hope for mutant salvation first? Maybe?
Kurt: ...oh yeah. Let's go save this years designated whiny, overpowered redhead! But only after I talk to Scott about Logan killing people.
Meanwhile, back at Utopia...
Emma: *is somehow perplexed that a team containing Logan, X-23, Magik, Colossus, Psylocke and Death!Angel is radiating extreme violence*
Scott: Uh-oh, Kurt's pissed at me because he found out Logan kills people.
Emma: ....
Emma: Suck it up.
Scott: *is shocked speechless by Emma's unexpectedly IC moment of total non-sympathy, much like the rest of Matt Fraction's readership at this point*
Over at the local Motel 6...
Cable: My giant metal arm and I will be totally inconspicuous, especially checking in with this underage, whiny redhead.
Hope, the salvation of mutant-kind: *jumps on the bed like a 3 yr old* Wheee!
Cable: Yep. Totally inconspicuous. *proceeds to find the X-Men in the yellow pages while Hope grazes from the mini-fridge like a hyena*
And, over at the secret villain hideout:
Bastion: By my sheer genius and amazingly confusing tracking abilities which are apparently supposed to be cool, I have found Cable! Also, the Motel 6 is getting tons of complaints about the girl making enough noise to set off the San Andreas fault. Go kill them!
Stryker and a bunch of Purity guys: *attempt to be intimidating, but still look pretty lame, even with Stryker having his own shiny metal arm*
Back at the Motel 6, in probably the strangest and most inexplicably disturbing scene I've ever witnessed in an X-Men comic:
Cable: Here, Hope. Have some haircare products that you were previously mesmerized by while we were robbing the mini-mart, terrorizing innocent civilians, and possibly killing some of the local law enforcement.
Hope, wrapped only in a towel and getting out of the shower: *goes into spasms of ecstasy over a brush, comb, and plastic hairbows and runs squealing to do her hair*
Motel 6: *is inevitably attacked by the bad guys*
Hope, looking way, way too much like young, 616 Jean Grey for anyone's comfort in this situation: OMG! Does my hair look ok??
I'm not even sure why I'm reading this anymore, aside from the fact it's sort of like a train wreck. It's too horrible to look away from.
At a random mini-mart:
Cable: *robs the store, like the hero he is*
Hope, the much-heralded savior of the mutant race: *stares raptly at haircare products*
Cable: *has a fit*
Elsewhere:
Logan: *Interrogates Purity guy really badly*
Kurt: *flails around in shock* OMG!! Logan kills people?? How can this be? All this time, I never knew!
Logan: *kills Purity guy gratuitously to send Kurt into an epileptic fit of flailing* Yup.
Kurt: *continues having an confusing and self-righteous hissy fit* How can Scott allow Logan to kill people?? People who are trying to kill us! This is horrifying!!
Betsy: As a former STRIKE agent and pseudo-Asian assissian, I too find it abhorrent and shocking that Logan is killing people!
Kurt (in his new role as X-Men Bridezilla): Hank was right! Scott has betrayed us! Somehow! And Logan is still killing people! I quit!
Peter (as the sole voice of reason, god help us all): Uh...erm...shouldn't we deal with the people trying to kill Us and the sole hope for mutant salvation first? Maybe?
Kurt: ...oh yeah. Let's go save this years designated whiny, overpowered redhead! But only after I talk to Scott about Logan killing people.
Meanwhile, back at Utopia...
Emma: *is somehow perplexed that a team containing Logan, X-23, Magik, Colossus, Psylocke and Death!Angel is radiating extreme violence*
Scott: Uh-oh, Kurt's pissed at me because he found out Logan kills people.
Emma: ....
Emma: Suck it up.
Scott: *is shocked speechless by Emma's unexpectedly IC moment of total non-sympathy, much like the rest of Matt Fraction's readership at this point*
Over at the local Motel 6...
Cable: My giant metal arm and I will be totally inconspicuous, especially checking in with this underage, whiny redhead.
Hope, the salvation of mutant-kind: *jumps on the bed like a 3 yr old* Wheee!
Cable: Yep. Totally inconspicuous. *proceeds to find the X-Men in the yellow pages while Hope grazes from the mini-fridge like a hyena*
And, over at the secret villain hideout:
Bastion: By my sheer genius and amazingly confusing tracking abilities which are apparently supposed to be cool, I have found Cable! Also, the Motel 6 is getting tons of complaints about the girl making enough noise to set off the San Andreas fault. Go kill them!
Stryker and a bunch of Purity guys: *attempt to be intimidating, but still look pretty lame, even with Stryker having his own shiny metal arm*
Back at the Motel 6, in probably the strangest and most inexplicably disturbing scene I've ever witnessed in an X-Men comic:
Cable: Here, Hope. Have some haircare products that you were previously mesmerized by while we were robbing the mini-mart, terrorizing innocent civilians, and possibly killing some of the local law enforcement.
Hope, wrapped only in a towel and getting out of the shower: *goes into spasms of ecstasy over a brush, comb, and plastic hairbows and runs squealing to do her hair*
Motel 6: *is inevitably attacked by the bad guys*
Hope, looking way, way too much like young, 616 Jean Grey for anyone's comfort in this situation: OMG! Does my hair look ok??
I'm not even sure why I'm reading this anymore, aside from the fact it's sort of like a train wreck. It's too horrible to look away from.