(no subject)
I haven't been very good at keeping up with LJ lately. I guess I kinda just lost my steam. These days keep passing by and, honestly speaking, they just seem like one long day. Things went well this past semester. My grades were the best they have been since I've started at UConn. I finally got that A- I've been fighting for in Kristin's class.
You know I've realized that what keeps me from writing entries in this thing is that I usually write when I'm down about something and I don't want to sound like a big cry baby any more. I'm tired of always "crying" about something. But I suppose that since I don't really talk about most of my aggression, I'd need to release it somewhere.
Besides, this journal isn't for anyone in particular other than myself. Sure thousands of strangers and a few not so strangers read it, but it's for me.
So here go my thoughts...
Moving out to Cali. I've made up my mind. I'm going to do it. Spending all this time at home has made me realize that my parents want me to stay close to home for selfish reasons. My dad's always on my case about abandoning home and giving me the most awful guilt trip everytime he gets. But of course when I go to see if he wants to spend some time doing stuff like play golf, go to a movie, anything that would give us some bonding time, he steps back. He's tired, that's boring, "I'd really rather sit at home in front of the computer and play Go against a masked face halfway around the world". So what's the point in me staying here and wondering years down the road what life would have been like in a different place. I need to be selfish sometimes. I can't always be that first daughter that follows all my families wishes. They suffocate me. My dad still mentions me getting married and having kids in the same breath as my future plans. I'M NOT FUCKING GETTING MARRIED AND HAVING KIDS!!! Maybe that's part of why I need to leave. I don't feel like I'll ever be accepted by my family and it hurts that I try so hard to do everything they want me to do. It doesn't seem like a fair trade.
I want to grow up and find myself on my own. Without my family's ideals and plans for my own future to get in the way. Because when it comes down to it, I don't have the balls to slap it back at them. I'll forever bow my head in this house and by doing so, it's really starting to cramp my insides up. I haven't really smiled since I've come home...and that says a lot.
Well I guess I should shove off to work soon...
You know I've realized that what keeps me from writing entries in this thing is that I usually write when I'm down about something and I don't want to sound like a big cry baby any more. I'm tired of always "crying" about something. But I suppose that since I don't really talk about most of my aggression, I'd need to release it somewhere.
Besides, this journal isn't for anyone in particular other than myself. Sure thousands of strangers and a few not so strangers read it, but it's for me.
So here go my thoughts...
Moving out to Cali. I've made up my mind. I'm going to do it. Spending all this time at home has made me realize that my parents want me to stay close to home for selfish reasons. My dad's always on my case about abandoning home and giving me the most awful guilt trip everytime he gets. But of course when I go to see if he wants to spend some time doing stuff like play golf, go to a movie, anything that would give us some bonding time, he steps back. He's tired, that's boring, "I'd really rather sit at home in front of the computer and play Go against a masked face halfway around the world". So what's the point in me staying here and wondering years down the road what life would have been like in a different place. I need to be selfish sometimes. I can't always be that first daughter that follows all my families wishes. They suffocate me. My dad still mentions me getting married and having kids in the same breath as my future plans. I'M NOT FUCKING GETTING MARRIED AND HAVING KIDS!!! Maybe that's part of why I need to leave. I don't feel like I'll ever be accepted by my family and it hurts that I try so hard to do everything they want me to do. It doesn't seem like a fair trade.
I want to grow up and find myself on my own. Without my family's ideals and plans for my own future to get in the way. Because when it comes down to it, I don't have the balls to slap it back at them. I'll forever bow my head in this house and by doing so, it's really starting to cramp my insides up. I haven't really smiled since I've come home...and that says a lot.
Well I guess I should shove off to work soon...