been a while
I just got back in from benns house. We watched the pistons game and had some food and he spoiled me to a couple twinkies. oh well i got to sink them in my milk. When I went to benns which is somewhat far i noticed i didnt have any of my medications. no morning afternoon or night plus my sleeping pill. I felt so horrible the rest of the night. ive said this before but i dont think anymore that someone is reading my journal there was one person that did but i doubt they would come back. but if they did i wouldnt be happy to talk to me. im not going to get it to the subject but the only thing ill say is that i dont like having people talking about me behind my back and it pisses me off that they dont have it in them to say it to my face that they want me to fuck off. the only thing this person has done good is bullshitting me and couldnt just say i wont talk behind your back. fuckin asshole. but anyways im pretty much done with talking about that. so when i was driving back from benns around midnight i felt like I was starting to twitch or like have a seizure. im sure this has something to do with my meds or probably how i just think a lot of the time during the day but mostly at night. dont ask me why night? wait what is that fucking question mark for haha. ill have to answer that sometime. since nobodys watching this entry i can tell how i was thinking on they way home in the car. i kept thinking about death. I imagined my self getting lost on my way home and asking for directions and then when i get close to the car i imagine a guy pull out a gun at me. he tells me to give him the keys and then I start yelling. you might get my keys but if your going to shoot me shoot me in the fucking head. I dont want to have any pain I just want the pain ive been having since i was fifteen to finally go away. Ill say you also better make sure im dead so shoot me again in the head if you think im somewhat alive. and before he shoots me i tell him if you get caught and when you go to the stand to be questioned about the murder you tell my family and everyone in there that i begged for this to happen it wasnt the guy with the guns fault it was mine I asked for it and i wanted it to much. and to please tell my family i love them very much. sorry ive been hard to handle all these years. dont feel guilty you have nothing to feel guilty about. wether im going to do something bad to me or not those thoughts are always sinking in the hardest in my mind. i can never get them out. some days i feel it more then others. when i was driving i imagined my self in the car looking around to see if theres any cars around or people so i wouldnt hurt anyone cause i would never hurt anyone just myself. I just imagine myself driving my car off the bridge and my last words when the paramedics try to get me out of the car is...i love everyone that has tried to make me feel human again that made me feel like im worth being in this world even though it was a big mistake me ever coming in to this world. everyone would be better a lot better without me. the only thing that scares me is what happends after death if someone had a gun to my head i wouldnt be thinking thatid just be thinking just get it over already. the last time i did that over dose of a few hundred pills i wanted it. there was no reason i wasnt mad at anyone there wasnt something horrible that just happend to me its like i did it because i had to do it. why did it hurt so much why damnit. i felt my eyes and myself fading away while they shined a flashlight it my eye and saying ryan you cant fall asleep were not going to let you just dont close your eyes. i wasnt trying to get attention. if i was trying to get attention i probably would of took close to under a hundred or less pills. night time is always the hardest. everything in my mind is jumping all over the place. theres a couple things that i wish for right before i go to sleep one is i hope i wake up and dont have any of these evil disgusting thoughts or to just keep it simple just once its all id need. please dont wake up ryan. there are a few people i do love definatly not the last person i was talking to on here i was just really lonely and needed to talk to someone that actually cared but they didnt. i love my family as much as i treat them like shit. i love my friend rachel and i love my friend benn. and two things i cant keep out of this entry i love music and the sound or playing of a guitar. it helps me feel somewhat sane or know that im very good at what i do. i dont need to be in a band i dont need to show the world my music i love to play my guitar for myself thats what i need when it comes to music and playing guitar. im sorry ryan this isnt a positive entry. sometimes i try so hard to make a positive entry but all the evilness is lurking inside. i dont know how ive acted for so long to so many people that im fine. when i went to oakland community college a class in psychiatry i just imagined me standing up crying hysterically please stop get the fucking hell out of my mind please damnit! andme either running out the door or everyone hugging me. im gonna go now