unexpected
I wasnt able to read somebodys journal entry earlier I would say friend but by the look of the last entry on saturday I dont think they consider me as friend anymore. first off im not in love with anybody. sometimes it takes me a while to see that ive been saying to much for a person to handle. I shouldnt of said those things All i ever wish for from somebody is to not keep all these unsure things bottled up and tell me right away they feel uncomfortable because it hurts me a lot more when they havet been telling me anything true for so long. you told me that are journals are for ourselves not for other people to read and its like your telling everybody at least all your journal friends how bad of a person I am. ive taken this way to far. I shouldnt of let my thoughts out like that i am to emotional with people. when i get wrapped up in my thoughts like that i say some of the dardest things. im actually not sure what that word means. first i should say again that im not in love with anyone if im saying that it just means I care. i use very extreme words i really shouldnt. im paranoid and I also shouldnt let people see that. im sorry i lied about something. im sorry you ever had of met me. ive enjoyed your company but ive also hurt you and made you feel uncomfortable. you dont deserve that. ive also realized im like this to other people even know it happend a long time ago. i really do mean some of the things i say even know I put them in really bad words. you need a better friend then me. its probably best I did accidently get in your journal. im also going to say something else that will make you never want to talk to me again. but i dont want to lie like I did. for the first time in six or seven months I went to my cousins house and begged for him to let me smoke. right now im tripping my ass off i smoked a good amount made me feel a little bit happy today but it didnt help i thought it could make me forget about things I just read but its not and I dont want to smoke again but i dont want to feel this horrible i dont know what to do. this hurt a lot it did a lot to me. im having a hard time dealing with it. why did this happen i smoked why the fuck did i smoke. why did i do this. and im not going to lie again either I really do hate myself right now and its not for others to feel bad about either they dont need to feel sorry for me. i dont hate everything about myself theres some good qualities. whats the point in saying im feeling better when I just begged to someone to let me smoke. whoever is reading this and feel like they need to call me. dont. i will answer but dont call me its a waste of time. i smoked i felt happy because my dumbass forgot everything when i was smoking but now all im feeling is sadness. i really dont see how anyone can be my friend for long. i still have rachel not sure why she hasnt left yet. everyones the same at least all the people ive talked to they have just lied to me all this time and dont say it right away. I dont know why my parents and sister have delt with this stuff for this long. when i say i dont deserve i mean it. I dont deserve to have friends and i dont deserve to be loved. if people really saw what was in my mind i would be dead this second. why should i have to lie that i hate myself and wanting to be dead. i dream about it i fantasize about it. everytime I wake up and go to sleep theres not one second time in the day that I wish the same thing. I have wished for so long that i can even remember. i just want someone to shoot me in the head and its not for attention thats the truth. the last time I was in the hospital and met ashley I didnt do what i did to get attention. I took about three hundred to four hundred pills to do the job. i knew what i wanted getting in to it. I didnt think it would be so painful I just thought id fall asleep. something else i always wish for. mabey the reason i smoked is because whenever i come out of it theres nothing i want more. please please ryan dont wake up.