u turn
I thought I was doing decent i thought its somewhat ok right now. a couple hours ago I was fine and then it hit me like lightning. Why the fuck cant I just stay calm and relaxed calm like other people are. im not suicidle but for some reason im getting all these thoughts and ideas and what i wish would happen its swarming through my head. I ve had the lights off in my room with the guitar case against the door because i dont want anyone to bother me. I cant stop crying. ive just been curled up in a ball screaming in my bed. im sure when everyone gets home I will stop yelling and just keep it inside me and pretend its ok. Im just keeping the music up as high as it can go. sometimes when I here the music over and over in my head it sometimes shuts other things out but its not doing that. Why do i have to see these things i hate seeing them its like there right out in front me yelling at me and circling around me. I know I cant see things happening that i see in my head but sometimes I really do think I see them even know its impossible. I should probably call my doctor but theres nothing to tell him that Ive already told him. I cant just call him everytime my mood cycles. Its so hard to communicate with people they get so mixed up when they talk or see me. its like they see all these certain moods of mine and dont know what to do or say. I got to stop being so paranoid its got to go away. I really cant say what im thinking right now because there could be someone stumbling over this and not like what im saying, or being offended or force them in to calling somebody. mabey this will go away in a few minutes, hours day or two I never know but i know it will stop I just really dont know. these spedning sprees are killing me i have zero money to get food zero money to pay bills and i have a hearing for my car ticket on tuesday and if i have to pay the 120 dollar fine and dont know what to do i dont have any money for weight watchers as stupid as it sounds since i lost so much weight I dont have any clothes that fit ive been wearing the same thing over and over again i know no big deal well your right its fuckging stupid as hell. I owe my sister 900 dollars I owe my mom money i owe my dad money I owe ebay money i owe the music rhapsody program I cant pay for gas so I dont take the car anywhere. luckily I retured that guitar they owe me 1650 but its not getting in to my bank acount I dont know if they really did credit back to me or something is really fucked. I owe my psychiatrist money I owe money to my older psychiatrist I owe money to beaumont hospital and I owe money for blood work. I owe money to this hollistic doctor and they can go fuck themselves. waste of fucking time. until that happends im completly broke and when I get that payment after I pay everyone off Ill be completly broke all over again. if theres anybody on my buddy list that reads this im sorry I just have to get it out even know its not going to help. I wish the sun would go away its shining through my blinds I just want it to be completly dark. the only thing I cant wait for Is to go to sleep right when I wake up I cant wait to go to sleep the next night I wish I was asleep all the time if thats possible i dont want to deal with anything. im fucking out of here. time to bullshit more people that im fine...