fustrated as ever
i told my friend benn that i really think there arent any options anymore that at least my psychiatrist can think of to help me. i know because he told me were just trying the same things over and over again. I was reading a interview with dr kay redfield jamison and she said that there are 70 percent of people with bipolar illness that work with medication. i guess i dont apply to that 70 percent. most people when they see me probably think im fine. im exercising ive lost 12 pounds and counting and eating pretty healthy. when im sick it can lead to physical things that are dangerous to me but most of it just swarms around in my head. i wish i could tell someone everthing thats going on up there but i cant and i dont think i ever can and that will be with me till i die. i mentioned to my friend ashley about renting from the blind and handicap library in livonia or kalamzoo a book called an unquiet mind i only asked her because i wanted someone to understand me better i lent the book out to my friend benn who is reading it now. benn is trying to get a hold of doctor jamison for me. thats all i want i would do anything for her to be my doctor she is very well known with knowing a lot of information about the illness and helping people with the illness considering she is bipolar but is stable now that lithium saved her life. ive wished so many times that lithium could help me but it cant i must of tried that medication at least five times over many months. this holistic doctor im going to is a bunch of bullshit from what dr jamison there isnt a lot of proof that holistic treatments can stabilize people that are bipolar. now that benns here from florida hes really busy and my friend rachel is busy with her new job and boyfriend there really isnt anybody to see and talk about my problems. i love talking to ashley but it can be hard to talk online sometimes its hard to express your feelings through a computer. i just wish she would consider seeing me but she told me thats not going to work and thats ok i guess. i just dont understand why we hung out at the greyhound station in royal oak and now you dont want to see me so i must of done something wrong since then thats all i can think of. i use to talk to john about guitars a lot now we dont talk at all and i mean not at all. all i do is scream and yell at my dad me and my sister hardly ever talk i guess my mom supports me. theres this picnic that my band teacher in high school does every summer i played tenor saxophone in his class and was pretty damn good but now i play an alto saxophone but not a lot. i will see people that i went to high school with even though i left high school a few weeks in to eleventh grade. lots of people in band or should say high period laughed and made jokes about me not everyone but i good amount i walked around feeling so zombiezed and completly fucked up and suicidal i just kept it all bottled up. man im so sick of pretending im fine but if i told everyone how i really felt there wouldnt be anyone in the world to talk to. the only girlfriend ive ever had was a girl named stacey she was very cool, understanding and was a wonderful person but that was many years ago i talk to her about a year ago and she was a complete fuckin ass on the phone. i did what i usually do with friends i broke up with her and it was for a stupid reason because i liked her a lot i just always think people shouldnt like me or love me like i dont deserve to have friends or loved ones. i dont deserve shit. the tremors that i have in my hands i think arent going to go away and it really scares me being that im a musician and other things that have to do with my hands but you never know it could be a anxiety thing. well fuck me fuck you fuck everything.