(no subject)
:::If you want to skip to the relevant part, go to the big break in paragraphs:::
So my teacher wanted to talk to me after class today. As i was walking out the door, she said "Could i talk to you for a second after class?"
Basically it went down like this: She told me i was a very gifted student and one of the brightest she's ever taught. She said i'm really talented, but not arrogant about it and that i grasp high level concepts very easily. I assumed she was going to pin me with the 'not working to potental and not doing homework' thing, but this is not what it was about at all.
She knows i've been student teaching and working my ass off. Taking 16 credit hours, working, staying up late, and waking up early. She knows i'm in a position that would have caused anyone else to completely buckle under the pressure. She knows i spent about 5 hours building that engine. And she knows that everyday in her class, no matter how completely interested i am, i manage to doze off for about 10 minutes, and wake up, perfectly grasping whatever we went over during my nap.
We've talked about my future before, and she knows it's my plan to go around the world teaching English. She told me she's concerned about my future. That wih the talent i have, i could be a doctor or an engineer. She wasn't saying this to be imposing and act like her life plan fit everyone, we share an interesting kindred spirit connection, and she actually wants the best for me. She told me i could do anything i put my mind to.
I explained to her that i want to see the world. That i want to share my love for knowledge with everyone and that i want to change the world. She told me i could do that in any profession. She was an engineer and communications expert in the navy and has been almost everywhere, and now she's teaching. I highly respect her opinion, but it seemed she was telling me i was too good to be a teacher.
I've met a lot of teachers in my day. Many uneducated and unprofessional ones, many inspiring and thought-provoking ones. I was hoping i could be the latter. I want to change lives. I want to make a difference in this world.
She told me that anything i chose to do wouuld make a difference. I then tried to explain it to her again. I tried telling her that i'm the kind of person who knows a little bit about everything, but not a lot about anything. That i am a jack of all trades and am knowledgeable about everything, but would suffer if i specialized in anything.
She told me that being a teacher meant i had a principal, parents, and other teachers and people i had to listen to. She told me she wants more for me than that. That i shouldn't have to follow someone elses badly laid plans.
She told me i could be anything i want to be if i just focus my talents. But she's wrong. And this is why:
I want to be everything.
I want to be a teacher, a lawyer, a doctor, a detective, an engineer, a scientist. I want to be an artist, a musician, a writer. I want to be a psychologist, a counselor, a tradesman. I want to be a warrior, a chef, an athlete. I want to be everything.
I want to see everything.
I want to see Greece, Rome, Paris. I want to visit Japan, China, Russia, Australia. I want to explore caves, mountains, volcanoes, forests, oceans. I want to traverse the deserts, the frozen tundras. I want to see Brazil, Portugal, England, Indonesia. I want to go everywhere and see everything.
I want to do everything.
I want to lead a dog team across alaska. I want to scuba dive in the great barrier reef. I want to stand at the top of a volcano and face my fears. I want to walk in space and parachute out of a plane. I want to travel the world and leave my mark. I want to have a large family and more friends that i can imagine. I want to write a book and create a beautiful work of art. I want to do fencing, archery, equestrian, lacrosse, surf, snowboard, ski and every sport imaginable. I want to do everything.
I want to know everything.
I want to know how to fix everything, build everything, and invent things no one has even dreamed of. I want to learn all there is to know about science, literature, art, mechanics. I want to know how things work. I want to better understand my fellow man. I want to figure out the enigma that is the human being. I want to know everything.
I'm so frustrated because i have so many aspirations, so many hopes and goals, and no time in this world to reach them all. I cried the whole way home. The whole way. There'll never be enough time for me to have it all. There's no way. And any profession i choose will feel hollow and empty because i'm missing out on so much more. Thats about how i feel when trying to order from a menu of a place i'm unfamiliar with. I want to try everything, but i know i dont have enough time, money, or room in my stomach. Someone please pick for me? No? Well, i guess i'll just have to pick one and let all my hopes and dreams for a good meal or life ride solely on that one choice and hope i picked the right one. I never know what i want in life. Because i want everything, and i can't have it all. I have to choose.
I need to find my soul mate
I realize that when i'm with someone else, i feel much much more at ease about the future. Having someone to share the rest of my life with would be ideal. If someone would share their life with me, then i could be 2 things, 2 people. I could be involved in 2 careers, 2 sets of hobbies, have 2 families and 2 sets of friends. I could essentially have 2 lives.
I'm independent and i realize that most of the people i look up to are independent and self made people. But i can't do it all alone. I lack the resources.
I love my close-knit group of friends and/or my significant others so much because i'm somehow able to live through them and i feel more complete. I want to be and see and know and do everything. I dont need to have anything. I'm not materialistic, but i'm on a neverending quest for a wholesome completeness.
I wish i could live to be 200. I wish i had infinite money or that college was free. I wish i could live up to my insane level of potential. I wish i could hone my skills to perfection in all areas. I love being multi-faceted.
I'm frustrated because i have to make choices that will cut out about 50% of my hopes and dreams. It's devastating to realize i will never be able to be everything i want to be. Absolutely devastating.