(no subject)
I can’t even begin to start. And I think that’s exactly why I love my life so much. I can’t ever seem to start something that I really see myself finishing, so my life is always on going and always full of … energy, even when my energy feels like I’m completely exhausted. I can’t ever seem to find a certain path, which I’m starting to believe is just how I’m supposed to be.
Who would have thought that I would be here, in new york city, in the year 2005. Who would have thought that I would be living with Lia. That I would have a dog named Ziggy. That my parents would move to Virgina. That I would be here, exactly where I am.
I know that this is about the time that everyone decides to reflect, but I’m always reflecting. You know it’s basically the fact that I follow the idea of learn from history and from your mistakes, but I can’t help and smile when I look at my mistakes and where they got me and fall over and over again in my history because it’s what made me who I am now. I think it’s a good thing. I’m mostly sure of it, and I it’s this annoying little habit I’ve started to build of doubting myself. Not all the time, but I think it’s due to rejection from colleges of all things and people re-enforcing me about the way I live my life, or at least the way I should live my life.
Yet, most of the people who meet me always comment about how they would love to have my life, to live the way I live life. To live, not to contemplate the next move. But I think for once I am doing that, and I can’t understand why anyone would want to do this in the first place, it seems so aggravating! But this is where I feel that I differ from a person who’s decided to become an “adult” and a person who’s just trying to be an adult without the restrictions of how an adult should act.
I’m scared, I won’t lie. I’m nervous, I’m feeling weak and I’m expecting to be overwhelmed and lonely. But I know that it’s a normal feeling for people. I know that I should feel this way a little bit, but I shouldn’t let it conquer me. And I won’t, I’m a fighter. It’s true! I have many bruises and scars to prove it. I won’t give up on this chance, and the “chance” basically being me deciding to move without any real place to land.
But I’ll find myself, I always do. I tend to figure out what I need in a new place more often than nothing. I’ll get my nest started finally. I’ll have my Ziggy. And yeah, I’ll have myself. I can always rely on my inner strength.
“You I would fight the hardest for.”
I don’t want to leave, mostly because of my friends. They’ve given me such joy and pleasure. And as much as Lia and I have wanted a “circle” like a lot of people we know, I’m very happy I’ve realized without one, because I have a big circle of friends and strangers and then I have this:
I have Megan. The girl who can always make me laugh. Who will be silly and sweet and honest all the time. A girl who’s such an incredible soul. I love how we met, and basically didn’t care about each other’s pasts at first; we just gave each other a chance right away. How perfect is that.
I have Graham. He’s a man who has shared a lot with me in a short amount of time. And then when I step back and think about it, I can’t believe it’s been over seven years and for a fair amount of that we were barely speaking. But when someone can look at your face and read you so well, you have to realize how special of a relationship you have with that person. He’s someone who puts others before himself and is a loyal soul. Graham you are a remarkable person, and I can’t explain in words, or at least easily in words, what it’s like for me to be able to have you in my life. You are more to me than a boyfriend, you are a true friend. You are a person who I can be myself around. You let me keep my guard down. You never give up on me, and you make me feel something I’ve never felt before. You understand me even when I feel like I’m making no sense at all. Yes I like you a lot and thank you for everything, especially being my friend.
I have Chris. I have a person who’s loved me through and through. Who’s never given up on me, even when almost everyone else had. He made me realize so much and I don’t even think he’s aware of the way he’s changed me. He’s made me stronger. Chris, you do inspire me. You make me want to try and do something. You really do inspire those around you. You give yourself to everyone; you’re a truly honest person. You’re a friend that I could never see myself without because I know you well enough to know that when I look in your eyes I see a true friend from the beginning. We’ve been through a lot, both bad and good as all friendships have their ups and downs, but you and I … we’re better than that. I learned that the moment you told me you wouldn’t give up on me. You are my friend, the friend who taught me to not keep myself bottle up and to get out whatever needed to be said. I love you so much as a friend and I will always be here for you.
I have Susie. My friend since I was two years old, and for five years of that we didn’t even really know each other ‘cause I lived overseas! But I remember looking up at the science fair and her turning around in her seat and waving to me, and I just knew it was her. Susie, the girl who has inspired me at my weakest moments. She’s a sister to me, she knows everything about me and cares about me. I love her so much. How awesome is it to have a friend who was my neighbor! And a friend who is loyal, through thick and thin, never turning on me even when family was trying to separate us. You never doubted me. I love you, you will always be a part of my heart.
I have Lia. Lia my soul runs inside this girl. She’s a fighter, she’s a passionate one at that. Together we’ve conquered cities, people and more. I love it. I love how we’d rather be on our knees bleeding than to give up on what we believe in. She keeps me in line, she keeps me settled. She is willing to cause chaos, and that’s lovely. She’ll never, ever give up on me. She find a way to push me harder. We’ve literally been through everything together, through hell and back and hell and back and repeat. But we won’t let ourselves fall anything short of being on top. Without her, I’m not me. Without her, I’m a half. She’s more than a sister and more than a lover ever could be, she’s my Lia; my pea! No one could ever understand what we have because it isn’t something you can define. We fight, we laugh, we cry, we love, and we live. We do the hardest thing that anyone can do; we live. My strength, my power, my beauty and my confidant I will always be here, loving you.
Deny me and be doomed.
Ditch the logical.
I’m falling for you like there’s gravity involved.
I have so much to be grateful for, and I am. I know I have my problems and my days where I want to give in, but if you know me well enough you know I won’t; I can’t. I want to make my family proud, my friends proud, my mother proud. I want to make myself proud. And I will. There’s nothing better though than those moments where you smile and think, “I win.”
And with that,
I win.
Who would have thought that I would be here, in new york city, in the year 2005. Who would have thought that I would be living with Lia. That I would have a dog named Ziggy. That my parents would move to Virgina. That I would be here, exactly where I am.
I know that this is about the time that everyone decides to reflect, but I’m always reflecting. You know it’s basically the fact that I follow the idea of learn from history and from your mistakes, but I can’t help and smile when I look at my mistakes and where they got me and fall over and over again in my history because it’s what made me who I am now. I think it’s a good thing. I’m mostly sure of it, and I it’s this annoying little habit I’ve started to build of doubting myself. Not all the time, but I think it’s due to rejection from colleges of all things and people re-enforcing me about the way I live my life, or at least the way I should live my life.
Yet, most of the people who meet me always comment about how they would love to have my life, to live the way I live life. To live, not to contemplate the next move. But I think for once I am doing that, and I can’t understand why anyone would want to do this in the first place, it seems so aggravating! But this is where I feel that I differ from a person who’s decided to become an “adult” and a person who’s just trying to be an adult without the restrictions of how an adult should act.
I’m scared, I won’t lie. I’m nervous, I’m feeling weak and I’m expecting to be overwhelmed and lonely. But I know that it’s a normal feeling for people. I know that I should feel this way a little bit, but I shouldn’t let it conquer me. And I won’t, I’m a fighter. It’s true! I have many bruises and scars to prove it. I won’t give up on this chance, and the “chance” basically being me deciding to move without any real place to land.
But I’ll find myself, I always do. I tend to figure out what I need in a new place more often than nothing. I’ll get my nest started finally. I’ll have my Ziggy. And yeah, I’ll have myself. I can always rely on my inner strength.
“You I would fight the hardest for.”
I don’t want to leave, mostly because of my friends. They’ve given me such joy and pleasure. And as much as Lia and I have wanted a “circle” like a lot of people we know, I’m very happy I’ve realized without one, because I have a big circle of friends and strangers and then I have this:
I have Megan. The girl who can always make me laugh. Who will be silly and sweet and honest all the time. A girl who’s such an incredible soul. I love how we met, and basically didn’t care about each other’s pasts at first; we just gave each other a chance right away. How perfect is that.
I have Graham. He’s a man who has shared a lot with me in a short amount of time. And then when I step back and think about it, I can’t believe it’s been over seven years and for a fair amount of that we were barely speaking. But when someone can look at your face and read you so well, you have to realize how special of a relationship you have with that person. He’s someone who puts others before himself and is a loyal soul. Graham you are a remarkable person, and I can’t explain in words, or at least easily in words, what it’s like for me to be able to have you in my life. You are more to me than a boyfriend, you are a true friend. You are a person who I can be myself around. You let me keep my guard down. You never give up on me, and you make me feel something I’ve never felt before. You understand me even when I feel like I’m making no sense at all. Yes I like you a lot and thank you for everything, especially being my friend.
I have Chris. I have a person who’s loved me through and through. Who’s never given up on me, even when almost everyone else had. He made me realize so much and I don’t even think he’s aware of the way he’s changed me. He’s made me stronger. Chris, you do inspire me. You make me want to try and do something. You really do inspire those around you. You give yourself to everyone; you’re a truly honest person. You’re a friend that I could never see myself without because I know you well enough to know that when I look in your eyes I see a true friend from the beginning. We’ve been through a lot, both bad and good as all friendships have their ups and downs, but you and I … we’re better than that. I learned that the moment you told me you wouldn’t give up on me. You are my friend, the friend who taught me to not keep myself bottle up and to get out whatever needed to be said. I love you so much as a friend and I will always be here for you.
I have Susie. My friend since I was two years old, and for five years of that we didn’t even really know each other ‘cause I lived overseas! But I remember looking up at the science fair and her turning around in her seat and waving to me, and I just knew it was her. Susie, the girl who has inspired me at my weakest moments. She’s a sister to me, she knows everything about me and cares about me. I love her so much. How awesome is it to have a friend who was my neighbor! And a friend who is loyal, through thick and thin, never turning on me even when family was trying to separate us. You never doubted me. I love you, you will always be a part of my heart.
I have Lia. Lia my soul runs inside this girl. She’s a fighter, she’s a passionate one at that. Together we’ve conquered cities, people and more. I love it. I love how we’d rather be on our knees bleeding than to give up on what we believe in. She keeps me in line, she keeps me settled. She is willing to cause chaos, and that’s lovely. She’ll never, ever give up on me. She find a way to push me harder. We’ve literally been through everything together, through hell and back and hell and back and repeat. But we won’t let ourselves fall anything short of being on top. Without her, I’m not me. Without her, I’m a half. She’s more than a sister and more than a lover ever could be, she’s my Lia; my pea! No one could ever understand what we have because it isn’t something you can define. We fight, we laugh, we cry, we love, and we live. We do the hardest thing that anyone can do; we live. My strength, my power, my beauty and my confidant I will always be here, loving you.
Deny me and be doomed.
Ditch the logical.
I’m falling for you like there’s gravity involved.
I have so much to be grateful for, and I am. I know I have my problems and my days where I want to give in, but if you know me well enough you know I won’t; I can’t. I want to make my family proud, my friends proud, my mother proud. I want to make myself proud. And I will. There’s nothing better though than those moments where you smile and think, “I win.”
And with that,
I win.