so much
I love writing in here again. It is such a relief to get thoughts down on paper, even it be electronic. The people I thought I would miss so much end up being the very ones that cause me the most hurt now that I am not living in America. My friends, regardless of how I am treated, are still my friends and I will take all the shit that comes with it. I am learning to be forgiving and to ask the Lord for that forgiveness before they even have a chance to apologize. I cannot believe He really gives you whatever you ask of Him, when it’s something He already wants for you anyways. I am figuring out so much about myself too, and defining myself and my identity in who I will be and not who I am right now. Who I am presently is someone given to change, and knowing that alone, I cannot dare place any grounds of who I am on shifty sands. It’s not a firm foundation built to last. I think I have tried everything in life I wanted to. I don’t think, I know. I have not only tried, I have practiced it all, and thought that eventually I would come back to my senses, the Lord and my old friends with a big “I’m sorry” and many open arms. This is probably the furthest from the truth. Shows my naivety and guilty “hand in the cookie jar” look that must have slapped itself upon my face the day I realized I was done and things did not unfold this way.
Christmas will be spent by me alone in the apartment. And unfortunately with no gifts, but now I only have Jesus for it. And it is His birthday so I am giving Him my whole day as HIS gift, why do I need one anyways? We have taken much of the attention and put it on ourselves and our desires. Though, I will be traveling for my birthday to Stockholm and Berlin with Kari, since she is flying out to see me.
I never think about the past anymore. I never think of the people that loved me or were there for me. I never once think about the fact that I even had a boyfriend, or that my mother and father would look at me and be proud. Even more so, I never remember being in a place where I understood what Jesus’ love was. Christian education, innocence, purity, genuine smiles, wordy sentences said for the sake of it and listening to the most untalented artists with pride are all a part of my past from what I read in journals…even on this one here. But somehow I do not remember any of it. Not a letter, a kiss with meaning, a friendly hug, help with no hidden intentions, male friend that has not tried to defile me, nothing. I try sometimes to lie on my bed and rack my brain for those times in my life, because I read in my own words they happened. But now I have changed so much that my best friends are the very girls that I would have felt attacked by, the men I have dated are the ones that I would only read about in a dirty novel or from an abused woman’s past. The way that I have been having fun now is the way I would have cried to the Lord about and wept at the consequences that followed. The music I listen to now is from hours of depression spent meaninglessly reading article to article, hoping to find the next Bob Dylan, the next hero, the next Savior to give me a momentary answer. I do not have any regrets but the idea that I do not. And that alone is piercing enough.
Europe has opened my eyes to so many things. And even bigger, the Creator of it has. I used to “hear with my eyes and see with my feelings”…and was the strongest of every group…the strongest cripple in the chair, the most stupid of the dumb, and the loudest of the most annoying. I am not condemned or even convicted. I should be one of them. But now is not the time, now is the time to realize.
This is probably the most I have ever thought in the past year. I think from what I read that I used to try to be deep, I used to try to understand things…complex things. I am not like that anymore. To be honest I do not give a damn about anything. I could give a fuck about anything. I have lost and hurt so many people in the worst of ways I have seen, and to this day I have not shed one tear about it. Something is very wrong. And that is why I am here. I am here for my family, for my future, for the God I once knew, the one that is slowly and quietly turning my ear back to Him.
I am addicted to so many things. It’s so hard to stop. I love my sin. And that’s always the hardest to let go of.
“Jesus you do the rest of the talking from here…I am being open and honest. Speak. I am listening.”
Ciao.
Christmas will be spent by me alone in the apartment. And unfortunately with no gifts, but now I only have Jesus for it. And it is His birthday so I am giving Him my whole day as HIS gift, why do I need one anyways? We have taken much of the attention and put it on ourselves and our desires. Though, I will be traveling for my birthday to Stockholm and Berlin with Kari, since she is flying out to see me.
I never think about the past anymore. I never think of the people that loved me or were there for me. I never once think about the fact that I even had a boyfriend, or that my mother and father would look at me and be proud. Even more so, I never remember being in a place where I understood what Jesus’ love was. Christian education, innocence, purity, genuine smiles, wordy sentences said for the sake of it and listening to the most untalented artists with pride are all a part of my past from what I read in journals…even on this one here. But somehow I do not remember any of it. Not a letter, a kiss with meaning, a friendly hug, help with no hidden intentions, male friend that has not tried to defile me, nothing. I try sometimes to lie on my bed and rack my brain for those times in my life, because I read in my own words they happened. But now I have changed so much that my best friends are the very girls that I would have felt attacked by, the men I have dated are the ones that I would only read about in a dirty novel or from an abused woman’s past. The way that I have been having fun now is the way I would have cried to the Lord about and wept at the consequences that followed. The music I listen to now is from hours of depression spent meaninglessly reading article to article, hoping to find the next Bob Dylan, the next hero, the next Savior to give me a momentary answer. I do not have any regrets but the idea that I do not. And that alone is piercing enough.
Europe has opened my eyes to so many things. And even bigger, the Creator of it has. I used to “hear with my eyes and see with my feelings”…and was the strongest of every group…the strongest cripple in the chair, the most stupid of the dumb, and the loudest of the most annoying. I am not condemned or even convicted. I should be one of them. But now is not the time, now is the time to realize.
This is probably the most I have ever thought in the past year. I think from what I read that I used to try to be deep, I used to try to understand things…complex things. I am not like that anymore. To be honest I do not give a damn about anything. I could give a fuck about anything. I have lost and hurt so many people in the worst of ways I have seen, and to this day I have not shed one tear about it. Something is very wrong. And that is why I am here. I am here for my family, for my future, for the God I once knew, the one that is slowly and quietly turning my ear back to Him.
I am addicted to so many things. It’s so hard to stop. I love my sin. And that’s always the hardest to let go of.
“Jesus you do the rest of the talking from here…I am being open and honest. Speak. I am listening.”
Ciao.