(no subject)
I can't get enough of this Cure song. It's so beautiful. I'm writing in this again, because honestly, I don't feel like I could talk to anyone about what I'm going through and have them completely understand. The only person that's capable of that lives forever away. I can't call him or anything, I just have to wait. I can't wait for him any longer, I could, but it's almost as if I feel I owe it to myself to move on, make it something I don't center my life around.. to just stop being so clingy and dependent. I love him to death and if I knew he wanted this as bad as me, I would wait it out in a heartbeat. In a goddamn, fucking heartbeat. I just feel so utterly deprived from life. And it used to be that I never was like this. I was never emotionally jumbled or questioning. But now.. because I know, I don't know. I'm hurt and vulnerable, vulnerable as hell. This used to be what I was striving for, to love. I would never, ever take it back.. and I still want it so much, and I'll continue to fight for it and not give up. Ultimately, I just really need to start saying how I feel instead of backing around them, hoping I figure it out on the way. They just change so quickly now, I either feel so apathetic or so obsessed, I can't control it. This is new, I've always been able to, but this summer has changed me so much. Changed all my aspects on life, my friends, my viewpoints, my maturity.. and I'm selfish, and I want more. I'll always want more, because what I had last year couldn't be put into comparison of anything I have now. Never ONCE have I completely recognized all of my feelings toward my parents, not even to myself. I couldn't think about it, I don't want to.. and still, I'm not ready to admit to myself that it scares me. In a sense of love and emotion, it scares me to death. My dad is living proof, living proof. My dog, the strongest dog I've ever known. When we got her, we soon found out she had lexiated hips. The ball and socket aren't fitted together, so they're naturally dislocated. We didn't name her Lexie, we didn't know. She's always protected and loved us and Rose. We leave, and she follows always, even outside, always outside. We got her, and were told she was near death from starvation from being abandoned in the woods. She is horrified of thunder storms.. literally, the strongest dog ever. I've never heard her cry about her pain, she strives on like it's nothing, because she's happy to just be alive, and to have people that love her. How admirable. And now, because her leg had gotten so bad, my dad recently took her to the vet. She was supposed to get surgery today, however it wasn't only her hips, but her hips and her knee. Her hips are lexiated, her leg is broke, her knee is fucked, and she'll soon have arthritis as well. Not even $2000+ surgery could fix the arthritis. It would take 3 months to recover from knee surgery, not walking, running, jumping.. living. We would have to constantly be with her. Then the hip surgery.. 2 weeks of constant attention, not being able to use the bathroom even. How un-fucking-believably unlucky could this dog get. WHY could someone give her such a thing, I can not even fathom the idea. She's lifeless now, completely lifeless. We were going to put her down friday, but my mom begged us not to do it that day and offered to pay half for her surgery. I don't think my dad's open to the idea of it, I don't know what the vet told him on the phone. She's drugged and lifeless. She won't even eat, she just lays there emotionless. This dog was unbelievable, I can't even stress it. You have no idea how much I will miss her, how much we all will miss her, how much Rose will miss her. They are inseparable, no matter how much Rose plays it off. Completely inseparable. Which all leads me to the idea that, I can not succumb to these feelings, try me, but I can't. It's unfair, no matter how whiny that sounds, that's what I feel it comes down to. I'm hurt. Ever so fucking hurt. But as always, dust yourself off and try again.. so onward I go.