How many days?
I have been home for only two days. Its felt so good to have absolutely nothing to do and veg out on the couch watching sex and the city eating chocolates. Lots of things running through my head, but mainly Sri. I caught myself on wednesday feeling very heartsick. It partly had to do with leaving my friends that ive spent every day with ever since the first day of school; Leslie, Sam, Karla, and even Jessica. So many great days and nights spent with them. What is a girl to do without them during this break. They are all ive known for these few months. However, tonight I've finally realized why I am so hometsick and it only takes one word, Sri.
At first I tried to justify these feelings with it being the holidays, wanting a guy in my life to spend it with. However, thats not the reason. I still love him as much as I did back in march when we broke up. It still feels as if we broke up last week. My heart aches without him, literally. I feel like im about to have a heart attack. I try to make everything right by saying he tried changing me, he wanted me to be a someone i wasn't, and that he didn't see me for who i was. Reality was he did. He saw me for what I was and who I could be. He saw what i was doing with my life. He tried to make me see things in a different light than I wasn't ready for. He's made me a better person and for the right reasons.
I thought for these past few months I was dealing with him and all the pain of not being with him, moving on. I wasn't. I was pushing him to the side, telling myself I can deal with it later. The drinking, the smoking, and the eating were all comforts. I haven't really dealt with the pain. How do I know this? I've cried myself to sleep for the past two nights. How do I deal with this pain? Ive come up with two conclusions. One is to win him back ( which is what i truly hope will happen) and second is to get him out of my life. He is a great asset to me, however, i can't just be his friend. I've tried. I care for him way too much. I have to bring in the new year right. I pick him up on Dec 31 from the airport. Thats when ill give him the ultimatum. So next year I'll either be working to better our relationship or better myself.
* Maybe just maybe, if the latter happens, after a year of dealing with myself maybe we can be friends, just maybe*
At first I tried to justify these feelings with it being the holidays, wanting a guy in my life to spend it with. However, thats not the reason. I still love him as much as I did back in march when we broke up. It still feels as if we broke up last week. My heart aches without him, literally. I feel like im about to have a heart attack. I try to make everything right by saying he tried changing me, he wanted me to be a someone i wasn't, and that he didn't see me for who i was. Reality was he did. He saw me for what I was and who I could be. He saw what i was doing with my life. He tried to make me see things in a different light than I wasn't ready for. He's made me a better person and for the right reasons.
I thought for these past few months I was dealing with him and all the pain of not being with him, moving on. I wasn't. I was pushing him to the side, telling myself I can deal with it later. The drinking, the smoking, and the eating were all comforts. I haven't really dealt with the pain. How do I know this? I've cried myself to sleep for the past two nights. How do I deal with this pain? Ive come up with two conclusions. One is to win him back ( which is what i truly hope will happen) and second is to get him out of my life. He is a great asset to me, however, i can't just be his friend. I've tried. I care for him way too much. I have to bring in the new year right. I pick him up on Dec 31 from the airport. Thats when ill give him the ultimatum. So next year I'll either be working to better our relationship or better myself.
* Maybe just maybe, if the latter happens, after a year of dealing with myself maybe we can be friends, just maybe*