xmas eve
all yestarday, i tried to not let alan get to my head, but there were things consstantly popping up reminding of him. then i went to one of my friends holiday party and there was a guy who totally reminded of him, and after 2 glasses of wine later i decided to text him...
me: Merry christmas 10:51 pm
alan: Merry christmas, Elijah. 11:07 pm
(my heart sank, i felt nervouse, excited, nauseated, and confused all at the same time...)
me: why didnt u talk to me for the longest time, why now...? 11:09
alan: the part of me that loves, dreams, and knows that Elijah is the perfect ideal, is locked up indefinitely by a selfish, workaholic ego. 11:34 pm
me: but thats so not fair... cuz i would do anything for u. i would quit my life to be w u. but u cant even reply to anything i have to say. 11:35 pm
alan: i'm at the office, right now- on christmas eve- after having lied to my own mother about bad weather, traffic, etc.. and im working 11:36pm
alan: and its not because i don't miss them...or that i didn't buy them a pile of gifts that are sitting out in my truck right now... or that i don't adsolutely love my mom's cooking... 11:38 pm
me: im sorry i guess im a lil selfish in a way... if i was in slc i would be there w u to make ur xmas lil better. 11:38pm
alan: but i can't do it. i can't feel love right now. i don't know what's wrong with me, Elija. i'm tottally an on-top-of-it sort of guy. i avoid dramtic and emotional situations- even if they are good.... i avoid them like the plague. 11:41
me: why! so u gona ignore ur life becuz ur job is stealing it even if its turning u jaded and u cant be happy. it makes me sad u can live ur life like that... Thought u were smarter than that 11:45 pm
me: u know wat u put me thru that past 4 months? u said that i was ur dream and u will do wat it takes... i believed it w my whole heart but u didnt do anyhing... My heart was broken for the longest time. all u needed to say was u needed time for work but cant even do that. i felt sooo confused. do u know wat that feels like. 11:54 pm
alan: im sorry 12:08 am
me: u will never have to apologize i know u never ment it. i just wish u kept ur word... i miss u so much :( 12:11 am
alan: i miss you... 12:26 am
alan:... and i wish i could snap out of it. 12:27 am
me: just do it... thats all it takes 12:27 am
alan: i've left little clues around my page... hoping that u might detect them... so that you know, that you are the one i think of on this road i'm enduring. 12:43 am
me: just please call me tomo 12:42 am
alan: but to just stop is easier said than done(for a cold, heartless badtardlike myself)... and i cannot and will not expect you to be waiting there at the end, Elijah... 12:43 am
me: but i can wait for u cuz i know it will be worth it at the end... please dont give up i see everything u left on myspace... and i know... please dont ive up 12:45 am
alan: but, as the moment, something deep inside couldn't help but say "merry christmas, elijah"... 12:45 am
that was his last reply... tears crashed like white water...
me: Merry christmas 10:51 pm
alan: Merry christmas, Elijah. 11:07 pm
(my heart sank, i felt nervouse, excited, nauseated, and confused all at the same time...)
me: why didnt u talk to me for the longest time, why now...? 11:09
alan: the part of me that loves, dreams, and knows that Elijah is the perfect ideal, is locked up indefinitely by a selfish, workaholic ego. 11:34 pm
me: but thats so not fair... cuz i would do anything for u. i would quit my life to be w u. but u cant even reply to anything i have to say. 11:35 pm
alan: i'm at the office, right now- on christmas eve- after having lied to my own mother about bad weather, traffic, etc.. and im working 11:36pm
alan: and its not because i don't miss them...or that i didn't buy them a pile of gifts that are sitting out in my truck right now... or that i don't adsolutely love my mom's cooking... 11:38 pm
me: im sorry i guess im a lil selfish in a way... if i was in slc i would be there w u to make ur xmas lil better. 11:38pm
alan: but i can't do it. i can't feel love right now. i don't know what's wrong with me, Elija. i'm tottally an on-top-of-it sort of guy. i avoid dramtic and emotional situations- even if they are good.... i avoid them like the plague. 11:41
me: why! so u gona ignore ur life becuz ur job is stealing it even if its turning u jaded and u cant be happy. it makes me sad u can live ur life like that... Thought u were smarter than that 11:45 pm
me: u know wat u put me thru that past 4 months? u said that i was ur dream and u will do wat it takes... i believed it w my whole heart but u didnt do anyhing... My heart was broken for the longest time. all u needed to say was u needed time for work but cant even do that. i felt sooo confused. do u know wat that feels like. 11:54 pm
alan: im sorry 12:08 am
me: u will never have to apologize i know u never ment it. i just wish u kept ur word... i miss u so much :( 12:11 am
alan: i miss you... 12:26 am
alan:... and i wish i could snap out of it. 12:27 am
me: just do it... thats all it takes 12:27 am
alan: i've left little clues around my page... hoping that u might detect them... so that you know, that you are the one i think of on this road i'm enduring. 12:43 am
me: just please call me tomo 12:42 am
alan: but to just stop is easier said than done(for a cold, heartless badtardlike myself)... and i cannot and will not expect you to be waiting there at the end, Elijah... 12:43 am
me: but i can wait for u cuz i know it will be worth it at the end... please dont give up i see everything u left on myspace... and i know... please dont ive up 12:45 am
alan: but, as the moment, something deep inside couldn't help but say "merry christmas, elijah"... 12:45 am
that was his last reply... tears crashed like white water...