weirdness

[fashion_buddha]

i've been feeling really emo lately. i think about every little bump in the road, reflect on who i really am. this isn't me- at least not for the past few years... i mean, i was like this in high school, and it changed when i was in college. but instead of just kind of wallowing in my problems before, i am making a ton of progress on just about everything. i have been looking for a job every single day. but i have made a major decision. i am going to work so hard to get into and get through vet school, i will shock everyone. i know i have it in me, that this is the battle to fight. no vet tech. no animal shelters on the side, no pussy- footing around it. i've been trying to talk myself out of what i really want my whole life. i want to go to vet school, i want a big house that i paid for and i want a pink, brown and white bathroom. i want a dog. i want ferrets, reptiles, cats. i want to go to work and feel like i am doing what i should be doing, not what i have to to pay the bills. i dont want to worry about paying bills too much. i want to have money in my bank account. i want to have a daughter, and raise her to be whoever the hell she wants to be, and let her do whatever she wants to do. she can have whatever animal she wants. she can have her own vegetable garden. (these are things i wasnt allowed as a kid. haha) she will be strong and brave like me, and she will know that your life is never set, and that you can always change and go back. that nothing is final, except death. and the only way to fight that is to live.
she will have a huge room, away from her parents, where she can do what she wants.
i have been thinking about motherhood-- not now-- but sometime far into the future. like 32. maybe 35.
i did a workout today called "boot camp" and i hurt. ow.

peace.