slow suicide..
so, i tried to keep this out of my journal but i guess that wouldn't be being real with myself. it sounds a little bit crazy, but for fifteen years of my life, i have been battling with an eating disorder. it sounds crazy to say 'i've been struggling with this for years' but i have. i just didn't realize it was a problem until i was just pregnant with my daughter, lost forty pounds while i was carrying her, was super skinny after i had her.. and then progressively gained back thirty pounds. in two months.
i hate the way i look. i hate myself in the mirror. i swore i wouldn't get over 200 lbs again, and guess what. here i am. i'm so disappointed in myself and i beat myself up every single time i binge. it's ridiculous because even when i was 150 lbs (and i'm 5'8") i still felt like i was disgusting, and overweight. and now i know that i'm not 'normal' because i've been bigger most of my life, and it seems like the only time i'm not big is when i'm focused on everything else, and not at home to binge. because i only feel my most comfortable binging at home.
food is like.. my life. it's funny because i love to cook. i love the art of cuisine, and i love to try to make new things. i love the nourishment and satisfaction i provide people with when i make food for them. and it bothers me because food is my happiness, as well as how i deal with stress, sadness, anger.. and even celebration. i think about food constantly. when i eat sweets and carbs i feel happy.. but now i know that's only because they release seratonin into my body.. and because of years of depression (due to the eating disorder--or brought on by the eating disorder--sorta the chicken before the egg deal) my body doesn't seem to produce a lot on its own. it's scary thought because food to me is like alcohol to an alcoholic. i think about it constantly. whenever i have money.. i want to spend it on food. i wake up thinking about what i'm making for dinner.. i get excited when it's time to go grocery shopping.. i eat alone, hidden in the kitchen or i wake up in the middle of the night to sneak downstairs and get something to eat. i eat to the point of nausea.. and sometimes, if i get disgusted with myself enough, i eat to the point of purging.
a small ray of hope though: i just got a referral to be seen at MSU kalamazoo center for medical studies.. and they're hopefully going to be able to treat me. i really feel like it's a difference between life and death. binge eating is like slow suicide.. if i don't fix it now.. i could die. i could get diabetes.. heart disease.. high blood pressure.. not to mention how bad.. awful it makes me feel.. my emotional well being is in a state of war.
one thing i can say is thank the Lord that i figured it out now. it took me fifteen years to realize what the problem is. i always thought i just was a 'fat' person who liked food.. and it turns out i don't have to beat myself up and feel so responsible.. i have an actual condition.. and it's not just me. so hopefully i can fix this. because i wanna look good in a wedding dress.. and i want my kids to know and remember me as being happy and healthy and 'normal' (for what normal is worth)
so anyway.. i found some awesome communities to join that seem to offer a pretty good support system.. i find that anything at this point will help. all i know is i can't wait for december 4th. and i pray for complete healing.
i'm still looking for a new journal layout. if anyone knows where i can look let me know!
xxoox
krissi
i hate the way i look. i hate myself in the mirror. i swore i wouldn't get over 200 lbs again, and guess what. here i am. i'm so disappointed in myself and i beat myself up every single time i binge. it's ridiculous because even when i was 150 lbs (and i'm 5'8") i still felt like i was disgusting, and overweight. and now i know that i'm not 'normal' because i've been bigger most of my life, and it seems like the only time i'm not big is when i'm focused on everything else, and not at home to binge. because i only feel my most comfortable binging at home.
food is like.. my life. it's funny because i love to cook. i love the art of cuisine, and i love to try to make new things. i love the nourishment and satisfaction i provide people with when i make food for them. and it bothers me because food is my happiness, as well as how i deal with stress, sadness, anger.. and even celebration. i think about food constantly. when i eat sweets and carbs i feel happy.. but now i know that's only because they release seratonin into my body.. and because of years of depression (due to the eating disorder--or brought on by the eating disorder--sorta the chicken before the egg deal) my body doesn't seem to produce a lot on its own. it's scary thought because food to me is like alcohol to an alcoholic. i think about it constantly. whenever i have money.. i want to spend it on food. i wake up thinking about what i'm making for dinner.. i get excited when it's time to go grocery shopping.. i eat alone, hidden in the kitchen or i wake up in the middle of the night to sneak downstairs and get something to eat. i eat to the point of nausea.. and sometimes, if i get disgusted with myself enough, i eat to the point of purging.
a small ray of hope though: i just got a referral to be seen at MSU kalamazoo center for medical studies.. and they're hopefully going to be able to treat me. i really feel like it's a difference between life and death. binge eating is like slow suicide.. if i don't fix it now.. i could die. i could get diabetes.. heart disease.. high blood pressure.. not to mention how bad.. awful it makes me feel.. my emotional well being is in a state of war.
one thing i can say is thank the Lord that i figured it out now. it took me fifteen years to realize what the problem is. i always thought i just was a 'fat' person who liked food.. and it turns out i don't have to beat myself up and feel so responsible.. i have an actual condition.. and it's not just me. so hopefully i can fix this. because i wanna look good in a wedding dress.. and i want my kids to know and remember me as being happy and healthy and 'normal' (for what normal is worth)
so anyway.. i found some awesome communities to join that seem to offer a pretty good support system.. i find that anything at this point will help. all i know is i can't wait for december 4th. and i pray for complete healing.
i'm still looking for a new journal layout. if anyone knows where i can look let me know!
xxoox
krissi