The deed is done

[farrout86]

So I sit here on this lovely morning finally having dealt with the only problem I have ever had so much trouble adressing. Telling someone I truley cared about that I had cheated on him. And I only realized after the words were said what I had actually done. It still hasnt competley swept over me yet, I can feel it coming in waves. I lost someone I truly cared for tonite, all because I wanted to explore how much I cared for him, sounds stupid OH YEA but I wanted to get that deed done before we started going out and I didn't have the chance. So me being the retarded SOB that I am decided I should do it when the offer was made. Why with him though I ask myself, why did I do this to him, he didnt deserve it, he told me only moments before hand how much he cared for me, and that made it all that much harder to say, but I promised myself I would tell him the truth if he ever asked,becuase I try my best never to lie. When you told me Dan how much you felt for me, then later in our discussion told me you wished you had known we weren't on the same page, those few words are what shut me up, are what prevented me from showing emotion, because so much was going on inside my heart and head that I couldn't think, I couldn't feel. I had been having a great night with you up until that time,for the first time in nearly two weeks, I felt so comfortable next to you, it felt right. When you asked me, well how can I know this won't happen again. I answered you truthfully once again, I can't ever know. But what I forgot to say, was more than likely this was the last time, the pain i see you in now is killing me and its all my fault.

Amongst all the other things, I value you as a freind, someone who I would like to have in my life always. I can see how it may not be possible but if you find it in yourself to ever talk to me again..I hope at least this is what happens...