Self-discovery
Bear with me. This may be a long post, and I'm not going to be cut-tagging it.
I have long known that I'm not like most people. My behavior is off, I act different than most people, and I certainly handle situations in strange ways. In the last few weeks though, I've come to understand that it's me, yet not me.
The diagnosis certainly isn't official, and I'm still on the fence about whether to pursue it or not. My current employer, despite being understanding in some ways, also has a past of... let's just say, trying to use things as an excuse to get rid of people, and this could very well be one.
I started suspecting things a few weeks ago, when it came up in a random bit of Twitch that I was watching, and it made me curious enough to look it up. For the first time, I looked at things about this particular disability that not only adequately explained my feelings and actions over the last few decades, but fit me to a 't' in more than a few. It explains my FSG and AES days; my problems in college; my problems at work, past and present; really, a LOT about me that is defined by this challenge.
I suspect I have Asperger's Syndrome.
For those not in the know, AS falls along the edge of the autistic umbrella of disorders. Despite having been in the presence of a psychologist once or twice growing up, I was probably never diagnosed because it wasn't actually recognized as a neurological disorder until the mid-90s, at which point I was in high school.
Let me take you down the road of self-diagnosis on this. See, Asperger's isn't so much about a fixed list of symptoms, but a rather wide and varied scope of them, some of which you may or may not exhibit.
Difficulties in social interaction.I was a shy kid. I didn't really have friends growing up, just kids who I had play dates with, or people who were just around. I'm uncomfortable in social situations even to this day -- I tend to sit quietly or try to find something else to do. However, put me with a bunch of people doing something I really like, and I open up and, at least I hope, act somewhat human. My love of Star Trek opened up RPGing to me, as did my love of BattleTech.
The last Coronado/GvE Get-Together I was at is a good example. Riding into NYC on the LIRR, the others were having an animated discussion about GvE; having popped out of the game months before for time reasons and because of game re-engineering reducing available player slots, I literally felt like I was on another planet. Spent the ride in looking out the window at everything passing by, feeling out of one world and an alien in another. I don't mind big cities. I was just feeling alien in it. And that led to what I think was a rather weird social situation later in the day where Ibrought up something about sun angle and shadows trying to orient where we were... I think. And yet after all that, on the train back? I had a Firefly script book I'd picked up at a bookstore, and was interacting with people on that angle just fine. And through the whole thing, I was with people who I'd known for years -- some even longer than that.
I'm not very empathic, and most of my social skills are like a thin shell. It's not that I'm anhedonic, it's just that my emotions work very oddly. Telling me that someone close to you died, and my reaction is more learned than heartfelt - oh that sucks, hope things look up, etc. I think this, more than anything, explains my reaction to the bridge jumper last year: my mind knows this person is in pain, had his reasons to jump, and that there is little to nothing I can do to help him without causing more injury. *Feeling* his pain, fearing for how his family would cope... not really. It's not that I'm a cold-hearted bastard -- my brain just does not process these sorts of things.
I'm quite intelligent and able to communicate -- to a point. When autism gets mentioned, you picture people who have problems communicating at large. Me, I'm fine -- provided I'm in written form. If I'm in a verbal conversation, I have to really focus to understand what is being said.
If I'm talking, I have no shortage of problems, and more often than late, they've gotten worse. When I'm speaking, I have problems with word choice. I'll string together strange phrases, even though as I speak I know they're gobblygook. It's why I *suck* at fast-paced verbal wars -- I just can't express the "zing" right away, if at all. And my verbal issues are usually worse when I'm either stressed out or jazzed about something....
...speaking of which, I have that "laser like focus". What I'd normally pass off as addiction or laziness makes sense now, which is where AES, my Internet RPG participation, spending hours at the keyboard, my emotional reponses, and my stress when that focus gets diverted all come into play.
Recent examples? I play Minecraft, specifically the FTB Unleashed mod pack. To date, I figure I've probably generated close to 100 worlds. And to put that in perspective, I've only been playing for about 2-3 years now. Not that I get bored with a world, I just have the urge to start a new one and off I go for hours on end. Days, even.
That same focus? It's what drove me into web development. What drove me into SimCity. Computers. RPGs. BattleTech. And probably AES.
::sigh:: AES. It's one of the few times in my life that, up until last month, I'd admit to having a breakdown over. There was another one last year. And all the stress I've gone through with two jobs...
Don't rock the boat: I can't deal with change. When that laser-like focus hits a bump in the road, explosions happen. Serious explosions. I can handle a change or two. but when they start coming fast and furious, or when they're BIG changes, I literally shut down for a few seconds, and then things go bad. Sometimes I physically cradle my head in my hands or arms, as if warding off everything. Sometimes I just stay silent, other times I launch into a yelling fit. Fortunately, my reactions aren't violent, but they're often difficult for normal people to understand. I see things differently and make associations and see patterns that others don't see. IRC's a long proof of THAT, where I'll say something that to others is a completely random thing, even though I can cognitively form a chain from A to B to Z to Q to R.
My meltdowns? All at times in which the order of things in my world were thrown for a complete derailment.
I tend to sleep a lot when stressed. This becomes a problem when Mr. Laser Focus decides that playing Minecraft until 3 AM is the better way to relieve stress than by getting more than 8 hours of sleep. And I'm not kidding about that number -- if I'm stressed out, the only way I get better sometimes is to go to sleep ridiculously early -- somehow sleep resets my stress triggers.
"Different planet". Gods I had this growing up. I wasn't the kid playing during recess, I was the kid wandering the edge of the playground feeling completely unconnected. I connected better with grown-ups than people my own age. I can't fathom why some people think what they do, do what they do, say what they do. Certainly I've felt more like an adopted child than a biological child of my parents, just because of how different I am from my own family.
Some stimuli stresses me out or overloads me. I have never been good around bright lights, and what I thought was really more a physical thiing may be how my brain handles it. Driving at night has never been easy for me, nor have trips to the eye doctor. And if I'm stressed out, my vision even does weird things, like lights streaking in dark areas. There's other little quirks -- razors/shavers freak me out. So does upholstered seats worn or ripped to the point where the padding or cushioning is showing or coming out. (School bus seats? Oh god.) I have at least a dozen things that will Flip Me Out if I can't avoid them. And there's some stimuli that I just can't fathom why I like it, like rubbing my head after a crew cut.
I have poor motor skills. At least it makes sense. I've never been good at FPS or twitch-reflex games, and anything that requires me to swing and hit something? Let's just say there's a reason I didn't last long in the community kid basketball league.
I've had to learn my social abilities, and they're not as advanced as most people my age. Making eye contact has been a challenge. I don't read body and facial language well, and my own is stunted.
But there are some upsides, I'll admit. My musical capabilities are certainly one, and my writing is likely helped by it. That laser-like focus comes in handy for that sometimes. But there is a downside -- I generally don't maintain those intense interests for very long. Case in point: I haven't done much music work in years, I've constantly jumped back and forth on different computer games... ::sigh::
I have a very strong work ethic and generally am honest.
Unfortunately, I just don't do office politics and while I know that *hurts* me, the constant backstabbing and reach-around that defines most workplaces doesn't make sense to me. Compromising is hard when it comes to my personal views, which doesn't help.
Like I said earlier, Asperger's is something of a mixed pot when it comes to symptoms, and I'm borderline on it to be sure, or have at least managed to learn how to cope with some of it. Other areas though... I'll be doing something I *know* is my mixed-up wiring talking, and still not be able to stop it. (Try walking with a fake limp for an entire week and see if you can keep it up, it's like that.)
So, what does this mean?
It's not something that is going to go away. There is no magic pill to take, no sort of medicine or treatment that will "fix" me. And frankly, the laser-like focus and being able to intensely dive into my hobbies is nice.
I'm not like you, and you're not like me. I think and reason differently, so please don't expect me to always react to things the way you do.
Go with my interests - they're what you can engage with me the most. I run my own FTB server now, so I get to react with folks doing something I like
Easy on the change. I can do change, just not at a rapid fire pace. And don't get upset if I ask "why" about the change or changes -- understanding the *need* for those changes is part of my coping mechanism and how I will (usually) get to accepting the change. And don't be vague -- "because I said so", or for THAT matter, "because my boss said so" is not an answer.
If I look like I'm in the zone or doing something intense, leave me there. Disruptions are my enemy and when I get thrown off my track, I turn into a train wreck.
If I'm spazzing out and acting like a child throwing a tantrum, you've pushed me to the edge of meltdown. Back off, give me time and space to recover. Pushing ahead with whatever is causing the problem isn't going to help until I'm back at a point where I can mentally cope.
It's a relief to actually have a common thread which ties the things I've known about myself along with the things others have told me about what I do. I'd be happier if I were a better-functioning person socially, but one can't re-wire a brain while one is using it.
So what do you think? Do I seem like I'm an aspie?
I have long known that I'm not like most people. My behavior is off, I act different than most people, and I certainly handle situations in strange ways. In the last few weeks though, I've come to understand that it's me, yet not me.
The diagnosis certainly isn't official, and I'm still on the fence about whether to pursue it or not. My current employer, despite being understanding in some ways, also has a past of... let's just say, trying to use things as an excuse to get rid of people, and this could very well be one.
I started suspecting things a few weeks ago, when it came up in a random bit of Twitch that I was watching, and it made me curious enough to look it up. For the first time, I looked at things about this particular disability that not only adequately explained my feelings and actions over the last few decades, but fit me to a 't' in more than a few. It explains my FSG and AES days; my problems in college; my problems at work, past and present; really, a LOT about me that is defined by this challenge.
I suspect I have Asperger's Syndrome.
For those not in the know, AS falls along the edge of the autistic umbrella of disorders. Despite having been in the presence of a psychologist once or twice growing up, I was probably never diagnosed because it wasn't actually recognized as a neurological disorder until the mid-90s, at which point I was in high school.
Let me take you down the road of self-diagnosis on this. See, Asperger's isn't so much about a fixed list of symptoms, but a rather wide and varied scope of them, some of which you may or may not exhibit.
Difficulties in social interaction.I was a shy kid. I didn't really have friends growing up, just kids who I had play dates with, or people who were just around. I'm uncomfortable in social situations even to this day -- I tend to sit quietly or try to find something else to do. However, put me with a bunch of people doing something I really like, and I open up and, at least I hope, act somewhat human. My love of Star Trek opened up RPGing to me, as did my love of BattleTech.
The last Coronado/GvE Get-Together I was at is a good example. Riding into NYC on the LIRR, the others were having an animated discussion about GvE; having popped out of the game months before for time reasons and because of game re-engineering reducing available player slots, I literally felt like I was on another planet. Spent the ride in looking out the window at everything passing by, feeling out of one world and an alien in another. I don't mind big cities. I was just feeling alien in it. And that led to what I think was a rather weird social situation later in the day where Ibrought up something about sun angle and shadows trying to orient where we were... I think. And yet after all that, on the train back? I had a Firefly script book I'd picked up at a bookstore, and was interacting with people on that angle just fine. And through the whole thing, I was with people who I'd known for years -- some even longer than that.
I'm not very empathic, and most of my social skills are like a thin shell. It's not that I'm anhedonic, it's just that my emotions work very oddly. Telling me that someone close to you died, and my reaction is more learned than heartfelt - oh that sucks, hope things look up, etc. I think this, more than anything, explains my reaction to the bridge jumper last year: my mind knows this person is in pain, had his reasons to jump, and that there is little to nothing I can do to help him without causing more injury. *Feeling* his pain, fearing for how his family would cope... not really. It's not that I'm a cold-hearted bastard -- my brain just does not process these sorts of things.
I'm quite intelligent and able to communicate -- to a point. When autism gets mentioned, you picture people who have problems communicating at large. Me, I'm fine -- provided I'm in written form. If I'm in a verbal conversation, I have to really focus to understand what is being said.
If I'm talking, I have no shortage of problems, and more often than late, they've gotten worse. When I'm speaking, I have problems with word choice. I'll string together strange phrases, even though as I speak I know they're gobblygook. It's why I *suck* at fast-paced verbal wars -- I just can't express the "zing" right away, if at all. And my verbal issues are usually worse when I'm either stressed out or jazzed about something....
...speaking of which, I have that "laser like focus". What I'd normally pass off as addiction or laziness makes sense now, which is where AES, my Internet RPG participation, spending hours at the keyboard, my emotional reponses, and my stress when that focus gets diverted all come into play.
Recent examples? I play Minecraft, specifically the FTB Unleashed mod pack. To date, I figure I've probably generated close to 100 worlds. And to put that in perspective, I've only been playing for about 2-3 years now. Not that I get bored with a world, I just have the urge to start a new one and off I go for hours on end. Days, even.
That same focus? It's what drove me into web development. What drove me into SimCity. Computers. RPGs. BattleTech. And probably AES.
::sigh:: AES. It's one of the few times in my life that, up until last month, I'd admit to having a breakdown over. There was another one last year. And all the stress I've gone through with two jobs...
Don't rock the boat: I can't deal with change. When that laser-like focus hits a bump in the road, explosions happen. Serious explosions. I can handle a change or two. but when they start coming fast and furious, or when they're BIG changes, I literally shut down for a few seconds, and then things go bad. Sometimes I physically cradle my head in my hands or arms, as if warding off everything. Sometimes I just stay silent, other times I launch into a yelling fit. Fortunately, my reactions aren't violent, but they're often difficult for normal people to understand. I see things differently and make associations and see patterns that others don't see. IRC's a long proof of THAT, where I'll say something that to others is a completely random thing, even though I can cognitively form a chain from A to B to Z to Q to R.
My meltdowns? All at times in which the order of things in my world were thrown for a complete derailment.
I tend to sleep a lot when stressed. This becomes a problem when Mr. Laser Focus decides that playing Minecraft until 3 AM is the better way to relieve stress than by getting more than 8 hours of sleep. And I'm not kidding about that number -- if I'm stressed out, the only way I get better sometimes is to go to sleep ridiculously early -- somehow sleep resets my stress triggers.
"Different planet". Gods I had this growing up. I wasn't the kid playing during recess, I was the kid wandering the edge of the playground feeling completely unconnected. I connected better with grown-ups than people my own age. I can't fathom why some people think what they do, do what they do, say what they do. Certainly I've felt more like an adopted child than a biological child of my parents, just because of how different I am from my own family.
Some stimuli stresses me out or overloads me. I have never been good around bright lights, and what I thought was really more a physical thiing may be how my brain handles it. Driving at night has never been easy for me, nor have trips to the eye doctor. And if I'm stressed out, my vision even does weird things, like lights streaking in dark areas. There's other little quirks -- razors/shavers freak me out. So does upholstered seats worn or ripped to the point where the padding or cushioning is showing or coming out. (School bus seats? Oh god.) I have at least a dozen things that will Flip Me Out if I can't avoid them. And there's some stimuli that I just can't fathom why I like it, like rubbing my head after a crew cut.
I have poor motor skills. At least it makes sense. I've never been good at FPS or twitch-reflex games, and anything that requires me to swing and hit something? Let's just say there's a reason I didn't last long in the community kid basketball league.
I've had to learn my social abilities, and they're not as advanced as most people my age. Making eye contact has been a challenge. I don't read body and facial language well, and my own is stunted.
But there are some upsides, I'll admit. My musical capabilities are certainly one, and my writing is likely helped by it. That laser-like focus comes in handy for that sometimes. But there is a downside -- I generally don't maintain those intense interests for very long. Case in point: I haven't done much music work in years, I've constantly jumped back and forth on different computer games... ::sigh::
I have a very strong work ethic and generally am honest.
Unfortunately, I just don't do office politics and while I know that *hurts* me, the constant backstabbing and reach-around that defines most workplaces doesn't make sense to me. Compromising is hard when it comes to my personal views, which doesn't help.
Like I said earlier, Asperger's is something of a mixed pot when it comes to symptoms, and I'm borderline on it to be sure, or have at least managed to learn how to cope with some of it. Other areas though... I'll be doing something I *know* is my mixed-up wiring talking, and still not be able to stop it. (Try walking with a fake limp for an entire week and see if you can keep it up, it's like that.)
So, what does this mean?
It's not something that is going to go away. There is no magic pill to take, no sort of medicine or treatment that will "fix" me. And frankly, the laser-like focus and being able to intensely dive into my hobbies is nice.
I'm not like you, and you're not like me. I think and reason differently, so please don't expect me to always react to things the way you do.
Go with my interests - they're what you can engage with me the most. I run my own FTB server now, so I get to react with folks doing something I like
Easy on the change. I can do change, just not at a rapid fire pace. And don't get upset if I ask "why" about the change or changes -- understanding the *need* for those changes is part of my coping mechanism and how I will (usually) get to accepting the change. And don't be vague -- "because I said so", or for THAT matter, "because my boss said so" is not an answer.
If I look like I'm in the zone or doing something intense, leave me there. Disruptions are my enemy and when I get thrown off my track, I turn into a train wreck.
If I'm spazzing out and acting like a child throwing a tantrum, you've pushed me to the edge of meltdown. Back off, give me time and space to recover. Pushing ahead with whatever is causing the problem isn't going to help until I'm back at a point where I can mentally cope.
It's a relief to actually have a common thread which ties the things I've known about myself along with the things others have told me about what I do. I'd be happier if I were a better-functioning person socially, but one can't re-wire a brain while one is using it.
So what do you think? Do I seem like I'm an aspie?