omg revelation?!
today out of sheer boredom and my love of lo-fi recordings I listened to the stuff from the outdoor open mic night at CSSSA. I may or may not have mentioned this before but that’s the one memory I have of CSSSA that is truly golden. that's the one night I remember fondly and without a single criticism on myself or anyone else really, the one that covers the green stain from all the other nights that tarnished from affected emoism and self-hate and all that. that night we all performed brilliantly and were true to ourselves (and this includes mat bursting out laughing and yelling “fuck!” in the middle of freakish and me not really singing mother of love so much as choking on it) and most of all we all had our own form of passion and adventure and bravery as I don’t think we ever had in any assignment we had or confession of love to anyone we made there. the best thing that came of this was a good kind of nostalgia, the one that recalls and compares to how we’ve grown (or not, in some ways) since then. it seems like the things I wrote in that email after alumni day the year after have finally come through, that we have learned how to use the experience rather than cling to it. in this vein we have either become even more pompous and arty or not at all, and have either become markedly crazier or if not discovered the secret of sanity at least learned to hide it well. the weird thing is that even in that atmosphere of serious pretentiousness and emo-loving and artistic bullshit we all had this light of immunity and independent conviction that shined that night at least, if no other time.