I want MEAT! I need MEAT!
Brain bleach now gets handed out to half my readers, becase that was NOT a euphemism, that was me saying that I really really want to eat the flesh of a dead animal (cooked, of couse)
This has been building for weeks - actually, I've had moments of this in the recent past, but the last few weeks has been building and building dramatically. I want to eat MEAT!
Before I got sick (as in, a good 5 years ago) the only foods I ever *craved* (as opposed to being normally hungry for) were sweat treats - particularly any cake-type produce, and dairy added fresh cream cakes were my nemisis. Fresh cream cakes.Oh, my holy fuck. Fresh cream cakes. I used, once upon a time, to have a compulsive desire to eat them, and had an equally compulsive desire to keep going until ALL THE CAKES WERE GONE. And I'd play silly mind tricks on myself - buying 6 on the excuse that was 2 each - and then eat all six, becasue there was no way I could stop when I started. The illness stole those cravings - and there is no cloud that doesn't have a silver lining, because there is probably no coincedence that I am somewhere in and around 3 stone lighter now than I was then I was healthy. I udsed to be a little overweight, and now I'm not. Hallelulia for small mercies. The last few times I've bought fresh cream cakes it's been more of a case of 'intellectually, I recall that these used to make me feel good, so lets try it' - and then I've forgotten about them, or taken one bite, and not wanted any more, so they have gone to mush at the bottom of my bag and created a cleaning mess. it's funny, nowadays the thing I struggle with, that I had never had the opportunity to discover before, was that I HATE EATING FROM OPEN PACKETS. There never used to be such a thing as an open pack of cake or biscutes in my house. Now, I eat 2, and the third is more energy than I have, and the next day, well, THEY MIGHT BE STALE. I'm throwing out so much food, it's criminal.
Now, whenever I a craving, that has to be beyond hunger, it's for meat. But I've never been a huge meat eater. Vegetarianism was a disaster for me, and I ended up in hospital with infection after infection - and this was back in my college years. Probably becasue the pernisious anemia was already playing havoc with my system but I didn't know yet. But I've never been a big meat eater. More of a meat-can-be-part-of-a-ballance-ecollogically-aware-diet-as-long-as-its-a-few-times-a-week-in-moderation kind of person.
But right now, today, I have eaten - four crossaunts - echos of the past there, becasue I bought one each for me, Conor and his friend who was staying over, and one to eat on the way home from the shop, becasue I was starving. It's daft how, after 6 months on crutches, I still forget that I can't fecking well eat on the way home from the shop. Both hands are otherwise engaged. Duh! So, 2 crossaunts back in bed for breakfast about 10 am, one for 'elevenses' or 'second breakfast' as the hobbits would call it, and one about lunch time. none for the post-club-antichrist-hungover-still-asleep-until-3. Ha, thats what they got. Nada. I'd scoffed the lot, and they, in all innocence, never knew they had existed.
Later, I had 2 steak and kidney pies for tea about 5. One microwave ready meal of spagetti bolonaise about 7 not because I was hungry but becasue I was craving anything that contained meat. The second about 9, for the same reason. and now I'm in bed, and too wobbly on my feet to make it back down stairs at all - but all I can think about is the pack of fish fingers. Fuck, I want those 4 fish fingers in the freezer soooooooo very badly. Its not hunger. I know its not hunger. It doesn't feel like hunger. How could it be hunger when I've already eated such a huge amount today? its a craving. but what kind of mental twat *craves* fish fingers, ... or a burger ... or a stew would do it. A nice chop would hit the spot. MEAT MEAT MEAT.
I think I'm turning into a cave-woman. If I club anyone over the head any time soon and drag you back to my cave to tie you up, don't say I didn't warn you!
This has been building for weeks - actually, I've had moments of this in the recent past, but the last few weeks has been building and building dramatically. I want to eat MEAT!
Before I got sick (as in, a good 5 years ago) the only foods I ever *craved* (as opposed to being normally hungry for) were sweat treats - particularly any cake-type produce, and dairy added fresh cream cakes were my nemisis. Fresh cream cakes.Oh, my holy fuck. Fresh cream cakes. I used, once upon a time, to have a compulsive desire to eat them, and had an equally compulsive desire to keep going until ALL THE CAKES WERE GONE. And I'd play silly mind tricks on myself - buying 6 on the excuse that was 2 each - and then eat all six, becasue there was no way I could stop when I started. The illness stole those cravings - and there is no cloud that doesn't have a silver lining, because there is probably no coincedence that I am somewhere in and around 3 stone lighter now than I was then I was healthy. I udsed to be a little overweight, and now I'm not. Hallelulia for small mercies. The last few times I've bought fresh cream cakes it's been more of a case of 'intellectually, I recall that these used to make me feel good, so lets try it' - and then I've forgotten about them, or taken one bite, and not wanted any more, so they have gone to mush at the bottom of my bag and created a cleaning mess. it's funny, nowadays the thing I struggle with, that I had never had the opportunity to discover before, was that I HATE EATING FROM OPEN PACKETS. There never used to be such a thing as an open pack of cake or biscutes in my house. Now, I eat 2, and the third is more energy than I have, and the next day, well, THEY MIGHT BE STALE. I'm throwing out so much food, it's criminal.
Now, whenever I a craving, that has to be beyond hunger, it's for meat. But I've never been a huge meat eater. Vegetarianism was a disaster for me, and I ended up in hospital with infection after infection - and this was back in my college years. Probably becasue the pernisious anemia was already playing havoc with my system but I didn't know yet. But I've never been a big meat eater. More of a meat-can-be-part-of-a-ballance-ecollogically-aware-diet-as-long-as-its-a-few-times-a-week-in-moderation kind of person.
But right now, today, I have eaten - four crossaunts - echos of the past there, becasue I bought one each for me, Conor and his friend who was staying over, and one to eat on the way home from the shop, becasue I was starving. It's daft how, after 6 months on crutches, I still forget that I can't fecking well eat on the way home from the shop. Both hands are otherwise engaged. Duh! So, 2 crossaunts back in bed for breakfast about 10 am, one for 'elevenses' or 'second breakfast' as the hobbits would call it, and one about lunch time. none for the post-club-antichrist-hungover-still-asleep-until-3. Ha, thats what they got. Nada. I'd scoffed the lot, and they, in all innocence, never knew they had existed.
Later, I had 2 steak and kidney pies for tea about 5. One microwave ready meal of spagetti bolonaise about 7 not because I was hungry but becasue I was craving anything that contained meat. The second about 9, for the same reason. and now I'm in bed, and too wobbly on my feet to make it back down stairs at all - but all I can think about is the pack of fish fingers. Fuck, I want those 4 fish fingers in the freezer soooooooo very badly. Its not hunger. I know its not hunger. It doesn't feel like hunger. How could it be hunger when I've already eated such a huge amount today? its a craving. but what kind of mental twat *craves* fish fingers, ... or a burger ... or a stew would do it. A nice chop would hit the spot. MEAT MEAT MEAT.
I think I'm turning into a cave-woman. If I club anyone over the head any time soon and drag you back to my cave to tie you up, don't say I didn't warn you!