I kissed a girl and I liked it
What a year. I've been trying out new things, trying to win my fears (except having a pet spider, that is NEVER going to happen) and just go with the flow (not in a dead fish way). So, I guess I have finally came to realize what life is about. It's about multiple possibilities of which nothing is really wrong (unless you totally screw up and die).
I have tried to mentally prepare for my future journey in Japan and I've been trying to think what I want to do there and how badly I want it, and at the moment, frankly, I don't even want to go. But I have to. I got the ticket and plans and stuff, but if I didn't, I probably wouldn't go. It's quite shocking to realize that. I've been trying to analyze is it because I'm too scared I might actually make it and stay there, or is it that I don't believe in my dream, or perhaps it is that there is other things here, in Finland too, though I first thought there isn't.
Somehow lately I have felt more connected to other people than before I even had these plans to move away. It's interesting. Do people pay me more attention now that they know I'll be gone, or have I became so much stronger that I actually let people close again? This or that, it's not good. I have let people too close lately. Little crushes are OK, especially because they spice up the life a little and keep the mind and heart active. However, I... I tend to get too involved sometimes. Like now. Maybe it's a Scorpio thing, but when we really get so close to someone, like skin to skin plus we like the others' personality, we tend to rush into it head on. That's what I did and I... probably shouldn't. It's not that I regret, and it's not that I wouldn't continue (because I'm suicidal like that) but it already hurts so damn much to realize that maybe, after all, the feeling is not as mutual. I am ready to even push and change my dreams to see if we could work out, but yesterday she kinda made clear I shouldn't. Funny, because the night before she sounded sad that I go. Maybe it was just that sentimental moment we shared, I don't know. But now I'm just confused and annoyed and feel played and yet I KNEW IT ALL THE TIME and still I did it, and will continue doing it. Man, I don't know. What a mess.
Other than that, Aki's hideous tattoos have intruded his right arm and made some nasty mess there too. HateCat is not amused. Fucking fuck, the last perfect thing in this world and all I can see is some drunken dribble drabble in his beautiful skin. Bwah. And when I gave some piece of mind about that in Facebook's SID channel, I got the "high and mighty" speech about how we should just approve Aki and his tattoos because he has had a reason to take them and we should mainly focus on their music and not their looks. No shit, Sherlock? :)))
Who do they think they're talking to, anyway? I'm the leader of the fucking SIDNAD harem. Sigh. I hate delusional fans. Just because you like someone a lot doesn't mean you couldn't say "you fucktard!" when there is a reason to. And there is a reason to.
I rest my case.
P.S Is it possible to be so deep and low that even wine can't cure that? Because I think I am now.