karma payment plan
i am feeling so many different things right now and i feel slightly winded
my grammie is going to be dying any day now and i feel guilty and on a smug shitty day like today all i want to do is shut down....
i went to the hospital this morning of course to find my mom there going through my grammies clothes getting rid of them, i guess for the rest of her life she will wear a hospital gown, they even took the nail polish off her fingernails...
i feel like such a shit because i can remember thinking before how i wished she would just die already, and now i am such a fucking jerk shit fuck for saying that and i want to cut myself just remembering that i am responsible for that thought...
now i go there almost everyday and sit there and look at how sick she is and i just take all the shit back and i am sorry and she should be able to live...
i never understood her, i use to make fun of her because she told me once when i was little that it was ok to get paid for sex once in a while...she was bold and sexual and when she was 60 something she decided she was a lesbian and she was nutty...but now i also see how beautiful and ahead of her time she is/was.
chris and i use to go visit her all the time in high school and we would have wild awsome talks with her....we would take lays salt and vinigar chips and diet pepsi, she was so funny and just said the fucking funniest shit like at my sisters graduation from her nurses aid thing this big hudge black guy walked in with blond hair and my grammie said really loud " whos the blond" me and chris fucking died and we still laugh about that and the blueberries on chris's plate she called him blueballs...fuck man funny
fuck man she is HILARIOUS...and to look at this deathly ill can't even talk lady in the bed, i am broken
i know i am a fucking shit but keep it pain free buddha, god, mother earth who ever the fuck you are...keep her pain free!!!
my grammie is going to be dying any day now and i feel guilty and on a smug shitty day like today all i want to do is shut down....
i went to the hospital this morning of course to find my mom there going through my grammies clothes getting rid of them, i guess for the rest of her life she will wear a hospital gown, they even took the nail polish off her fingernails...
i feel like such a shit because i can remember thinking before how i wished she would just die already, and now i am such a fucking jerk shit fuck for saying that and i want to cut myself just remembering that i am responsible for that thought...
now i go there almost everyday and sit there and look at how sick she is and i just take all the shit back and i am sorry and she should be able to live...
i never understood her, i use to make fun of her because she told me once when i was little that it was ok to get paid for sex once in a while...she was bold and sexual and when she was 60 something she decided she was a lesbian and she was nutty...but now i also see how beautiful and ahead of her time she is/was.
chris and i use to go visit her all the time in high school and we would have wild awsome talks with her....we would take lays salt and vinigar chips and diet pepsi, she was so funny and just said the fucking funniest shit like at my sisters graduation from her nurses aid thing this big hudge black guy walked in with blond hair and my grammie said really loud " whos the blond" me and chris fucking died and we still laugh about that and the blueberries on chris's plate she called him blueballs...fuck man funny
fuck man she is HILARIOUS...and to look at this deathly ill can't even talk lady in the bed, i am broken
i know i am a fucking shit but keep it pain free buddha, god, mother earth who ever the fuck you are...keep her pain free!!!