demented as the motives in your head
I'm beginning to wonder if this goal-less, live-in-the-moment lifestyle is even remotely ideal. Not only do I question the ideality but also the helpfulness. If I keep taking the "easy way out," I will work as a dietitian assistant at Columbia. St Mary's well into my 40s with a handful of fresh new 20-year-olds with bright futures. Quietly lamenting my life choices, pondering what the fuck I should do next. Instead, I could look less pathetic and mid-life-crisis-prone by doing something about it now while my breasts are still in tact and perky. The minute I set goals, I go over this routine in my head, always ending with the conclusion: You will fuck up. You're not strong enough to do this. Quit while you're ahead. I need to derail this obscure mentality stat.
My goal: I want to be a goddamn journalist. Nay- I will be a goddamn journalist.
Steps to reach this goal: Get over this fucked-up self-esteem issue I've been battling for years. How? By me coming to terms with the fact this problem is completely self-induced and stupid; I should just be able to say "Fuck you, low self-esteem." I have plenty of friends who really respect me, so I can't be that awful of a person. And ultimately that's what I'm afraid of: being looked down upon. People not liking me. I need to get over this irrational issue by telling myself- there's no reason for people not to like me. So as long as I'm not giving them a reason, I just need to be myself, and I'll be just fine. Easier said then done, but I've just got to try as opposed to my current practice: realizing said point and quitting before I've even attempted.
The most important thing is to learn how to talk to people while I'm sober. Stop using alcohol as this sort of crutch- it's truly holding me back from my true potential. I don't even respect Drunk Chelsea most of the time; why would I feel the need to engage in this persona? So, get over this whole alcohol problem thing before it poses an even greater threat to my well-being. What's more important, ideally, is to learn how to control my drinking rather then omit it from my life. I think initially a temporary sobriety needs to take place, just so that I can convince myself I am above alcohol. If I'm able to stop myself completely from drinking, I can do anything. I think. We'll see.
I also need to get over this obsession with finding a boyfriend. That's the biggest stress in my life: the fact I can't find someone to love, and in turn, someone to love me. I've said it many a time (and heard it): Until I learn to love myself, how do I expect myself to allow anyone to love me?
Eleven days sober and feeling optimistic about my future. I will not be that drunk 48-year-old chunky bleach-blonde poor excuse for a woman working at a dead-end job, living with her cat and illegitimate love-child (aka drunken mistake after fucking some dude named Gary with a cross tattoo on his left bicep, whom I met at the corner bar, who kept calling me Kelsey; however, I was too sex-starved to correct him)
My goal: I want to be a goddamn journalist. Nay- I will be a goddamn journalist.
Steps to reach this goal: Get over this fucked-up self-esteem issue I've been battling for years. How? By me coming to terms with the fact this problem is completely self-induced and stupid; I should just be able to say "Fuck you, low self-esteem." I have plenty of friends who really respect me, so I can't be that awful of a person. And ultimately that's what I'm afraid of: being looked down upon. People not liking me. I need to get over this irrational issue by telling myself- there's no reason for people not to like me. So as long as I'm not giving them a reason, I just need to be myself, and I'll be just fine. Easier said then done, but I've just got to try as opposed to my current practice: realizing said point and quitting before I've even attempted.
The most important thing is to learn how to talk to people while I'm sober. Stop using alcohol as this sort of crutch- it's truly holding me back from my true potential. I don't even respect Drunk Chelsea most of the time; why would I feel the need to engage in this persona? So, get over this whole alcohol problem thing before it poses an even greater threat to my well-being. What's more important, ideally, is to learn how to control my drinking rather then omit it from my life. I think initially a temporary sobriety needs to take place, just so that I can convince myself I am above alcohol. If I'm able to stop myself completely from drinking, I can do anything. I think. We'll see.
I also need to get over this obsession with finding a boyfriend. That's the biggest stress in my life: the fact I can't find someone to love, and in turn, someone to love me. I've said it many a time (and heard it): Until I learn to love myself, how do I expect myself to allow anyone to love me?
Eleven days sober and feeling optimistic about my future. I will not be that drunk 48-year-old chunky bleach-blonde poor excuse for a woman working at a dead-end job, living with her cat and illegitimate love-child (aka drunken mistake after fucking some dude named Gary with a cross tattoo on his left bicep, whom I met at the corner bar, who kept calling me Kelsey; however, I was too sex-starved to correct him)