(no subject)
One of the things I've realized most with my stoned mind-wanderings is that I need to start playing clarinet again. I went for a couple years basically without playing and I'm absolutely out of shape in the face and sound like shit. But I have to start again and keep going because I was going to spend the rest of my life bitter and jealous. If clarinet is going to go out of my life it needs to be on my terms and not the result of crappy situations and my wounded pride. When I stopped trying to play I was upset and saw the clarinet being connected to my parents and my quitting a way of sticking it to them. Yeah, that's what I seriously thought. So I've been going around with a grudge against them - it's their fault I couldn't play music any more, look what they did to me. But now that Sami is studying at UCLA those feelings snowballed into more jealousy and pain (and it didn't help when her oboe professor insulted me for going to Sacramento State - thanks, asshole). All that quitting did for me, though, was give me an excuse to hold on to my resentment and jealousy, which was never going to go away as long as I wasn't playing. My parents don't care at all, because they think I'm a lost cause anyway, so I was just torturing myself. Yeah, I just realized this. As much as I like money and want to actually have a real weekly paycheck, I can't do something else (at least in substitution). I like everything about music - the endless practicing, hard critiques, horrendous competition, asshole conductors, whatever. And I continue to like it even though I cry nearly every day after practicing because I'm a perfectionist pussy and everything seems so hard. I'm going to have to get over everything, most of all my pride, and just do it. And it's really, really hard to get over pride. And all that jealousy too. Because I'd like to be able to attend one of Sami's concerts without having a nervous breakdown or something ridiculous.
On another note, after months of searching for a good fake version of my coveted handbags, I decided that I'm going to not break the law and just spend $250 omg only $168 on a cute bag without the prestige. Behold the Elliott Lucca Etoile satchel:
I think I want it in black patent leather. Yes yes yes, handbags heal my heart.
On another note, after months of searching for a good fake version of my coveted handbags, I decided that I'm going to not break the law and just spend $250 omg only $168 on a cute bag without the prestige. Behold the Elliott Lucca Etoile satchel:
I think I want it in black patent leather. Yes yes yes, handbags heal my heart.