(no subject)
one more whole week before i have counseling. i feel almost desperate to go, but whenever i'm in there i talk incessantly (which i know is the point, because if you're sobbing uncontrollably for the whole hour then it was kind of a waste) when i really just want to cry. i hate to cry in front of people, but i do it all the time and i feel like i need a witness.
haven't eaten much lately, but truth be told i don't really want to eat. a meal once a day is good enough for me.
i shouldn't be this upset, no one should be this upset. i tell myself over and over and over again that this isn't a big deal, that this happens all the time and i'm not the first person this has ever happened to. it's not that i feel alone (in the sense of "oh god no one can help me with this issue ever this is all on my shoulders") as opposed to being lonely. i guess it's just my lack of self worth. i've never felt this guilty in my entire life, maybe that's what this is. i don't know how to find any peace of mind and it's been wearing on me. i'm too short tempered these days and every little thing irritates me; i can hardly go anywhere because god forbid someone asks me "how're you?" just to be polite while they're swiping my card and i have to sigh and smile too big and go "good, good! how're you?"
yeah, i'm fucking great. the obscene amount of candy and cigarettes in that bag should be a good indicator or just how amazing i feel.
i've had three clear dreams in a row, which almost never happens. i hardly ever remember my dreams, and i can't ever recall having a repetitive dream in my entire life.
someone had me shoved up against a wall and i couldn't see who it was, but i could feel their whole weight pressed up against my back. i don't remember feeling breasts, so i don't think it was female, but it didn't have any male defining features either. it never spoke, just held me against this wall and crushed my fingers with this really intricate steel fan (one of those collapsible fans, but with the spokes made out of metal instead of wood or plastic). it just smacked the fan against the back of my knuckles over and over and over again, first bruising the skin and then splitting it and then you could hear it striking bone and my fingers just crumbled under it. that's all that happened, for three nights in a row. i don't even remember reacting, more worried about this person holding me against this wall than losing my fingers. i don't remember it hurting, but when i woke up in the morning my whole arm was numb. i must have fallen asleep on it or something.
i don't really know what to do with myself anymore.
i bruised my wrist. it looks like fading welts or something.
note to self: schedule hair appointment. i need change.
haven't eaten much lately, but truth be told i don't really want to eat. a meal once a day is good enough for me.
i shouldn't be this upset, no one should be this upset. i tell myself over and over and over again that this isn't a big deal, that this happens all the time and i'm not the first person this has ever happened to. it's not that i feel alone (in the sense of "oh god no one can help me with this issue ever this is all on my shoulders") as opposed to being lonely. i guess it's just my lack of self worth. i've never felt this guilty in my entire life, maybe that's what this is. i don't know how to find any peace of mind and it's been wearing on me. i'm too short tempered these days and every little thing irritates me; i can hardly go anywhere because god forbid someone asks me "how're you?" just to be polite while they're swiping my card and i have to sigh and smile too big and go "good, good! how're you?"
yeah, i'm fucking great. the obscene amount of candy and cigarettes in that bag should be a good indicator or just how amazing i feel.
i've had three clear dreams in a row, which almost never happens. i hardly ever remember my dreams, and i can't ever recall having a repetitive dream in my entire life.
someone had me shoved up against a wall and i couldn't see who it was, but i could feel their whole weight pressed up against my back. i don't remember feeling breasts, so i don't think it was female, but it didn't have any male defining features either. it never spoke, just held me against this wall and crushed my fingers with this really intricate steel fan (one of those collapsible fans, but with the spokes made out of metal instead of wood or plastic). it just smacked the fan against the back of my knuckles over and over and over again, first bruising the skin and then splitting it and then you could hear it striking bone and my fingers just crumbled under it. that's all that happened, for three nights in a row. i don't even remember reacting, more worried about this person holding me against this wall than losing my fingers. i don't remember it hurting, but when i woke up in the morning my whole arm was numb. i must have fallen asleep on it or something.
i don't really know what to do with myself anymore.
i bruised my wrist. it looks like fading welts or something.
note to self: schedule hair appointment. i need change.