Memory writing #7
Shasta has had another lesson. Boromir has gone to the library. It's important to include that in what I've written--Boromir has gone to the library and he did it of his own will. I think he meets his lady there.
I have work later. Many people go to the cinema on Saturday and so I work. My brother does not work today.
I don't know what to say to him. He's busy and I'm busy with my work and with teaching and I don't know what to say to him. He has his lady and I don't want to burden him.
I dream and try to remain quiet when I wake. I can't always be quiet but sometimes he's tired enough. I don't know how much he hears. I'm trying to be quiet and not bother him because he has his work in the morning. I need to do something. I'm writing now but I don't feel any better. I still have nightmares, more than ever, and I don't feel any better.
I must try harder. I need to do something else. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to accomplish with writing. Nothing comes out. The things that I need to put behind me make no sense and I can't put them away. I'm used to things I can't change: all my life I have dealt with things I cannot change.
I am sent to the rangers but I know why. I mean, I know why I must fight and I know why I was sent to the rangers and not the regular army. I was not allowed to court until Boromir was wed. I know why I was told what I was told and there were reasons and so I know and understand and put it all behind me as I must.
The island... I seek a purpose. I seek a purpose that I was sent there and for all that happened and I can't find one. I seek reasons why the people there acted as they did. I don't understand their worlds so I can't see why they should treat me as they did. I don't know why the island did what it did to us. I don't know why I was turned as I was, why I did as I did, and why I was so punished for it when others would do worse as their true selves. Dr. House would allow Jack Harkness to torture and kill me and speak the lie that he didn't do it. Why? They are loved and I was hated and I never meant to hurt anyone. I just did. There's no sense.
I can't put it behind me because it makes no sense. Writing doesn't help so I am going to take a shower now.
Pen down, paper in the folder, I go to the shower as I do so often. The water makes noise like loud rain and Boromir is out. No one can hear me.
I feel... I will not despair. No.
I have work later. Many people go to the cinema on Saturday and so I work. My brother does not work today.
I don't know what to say to him. He's busy and I'm busy with my work and with teaching and I don't know what to say to him. He has his lady and I don't want to burden him.
I dream and try to remain quiet when I wake. I can't always be quiet but sometimes he's tired enough. I don't know how much he hears. I'm trying to be quiet and not bother him because he has his work in the morning. I need to do something. I'm writing now but I don't feel any better. I still have nightmares, more than ever, and I don't feel any better.
I must try harder. I need to do something else. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to accomplish with writing. Nothing comes out. The things that I need to put behind me make no sense and I can't put them away. I'm used to things I can't change: all my life I have dealt with things I cannot change.
I am sent to the rangers but I know why. I mean, I know why I must fight and I know why I was sent to the rangers and not the regular army. I was not allowed to court until Boromir was wed. I know why I was told what I was told and there were reasons and so I know and understand and put it all behind me as I must.
The island... I seek a purpose. I seek a purpose that I was sent there and for all that happened and I can't find one. I seek reasons why the people there acted as they did. I don't understand their worlds so I can't see why they should treat me as they did. I don't know why the island did what it did to us. I don't know why I was turned as I was, why I did as I did, and why I was so punished for it when others would do worse as their true selves. Dr. House would allow Jack Harkness to torture and kill me and speak the lie that he didn't do it. Why? They are loved and I was hated and I never meant to hurt anyone. I just did. There's no sense.
I can't put it behind me because it makes no sense. Writing doesn't help so I am going to take a shower now.
Pen down, paper in the folder, I go to the shower as I do so often. The water makes noise like loud rain and Boromir is out. No one can hear me.
I feel... I will not despair. No.