Memory writing #5
Dark imagery, themes.
The talk with Boromir has made me think. It makes me think and it send me into the shower again.
I wonder if he's noticed... but I am careful. He does not see that I shower most days twice. Before I go to work he is working in the stables and doesn't notice. After, I have that smell of popcorn on me though less now that I'm selling tickets. And he's tired from work and sleeps deeper.
The showers are long and very hot and still the water never runs out. I never am clean. It was very surprising to notice the first time I started to cry in the shower. I do not cry when I am awake. When I'm asleep I can't stop it and that's not the same. When I'm awake I have more control than that. It's not right, I should not cry. There is nothing to cry about.
With so much water falling, it's funny that I can sometimes feel the tears anyway.
I'm so dirty and I can't come clean. That man in the stables may well be a good man. I don't know him, have not met him. Boromir wished for me to meet him but now he does not. What does he think? My brother... does he think less of me for what I did? What happened to me? I didn't mean it but I'm different now. Is he thinking of me like that?
The dreams are horrible. I dream so many things that really happened. Sometimes I dream of being blind like I did after I was shot and Marv tried to push my eyes in. I dream of blindness, pain. I dream of what I did that weekend when I was the opposite of myself. I dream of being killed. I dream of things that happened after and things that never happened. I dream of my brother's face looking upon me with disgust and my father laughing because he knew all along I was no real man.
What is it about me? I should have spoken more clearly, said 'no' with greater force. My fault. I did something wrong and it's my fault.
In the daylight, I am myself. The shower doesn't make me clean. Everything is different and I just keep trying so no one will see.
The talk with Boromir has made me think. It makes me think and it send me into the shower again.
I wonder if he's noticed... but I am careful. He does not see that I shower most days twice. Before I go to work he is working in the stables and doesn't notice. After, I have that smell of popcorn on me though less now that I'm selling tickets. And he's tired from work and sleeps deeper.
The showers are long and very hot and still the water never runs out. I never am clean. It was very surprising to notice the first time I started to cry in the shower. I do not cry when I am awake. When I'm asleep I can't stop it and that's not the same. When I'm awake I have more control than that. It's not right, I should not cry. There is nothing to cry about.
With so much water falling, it's funny that I can sometimes feel the tears anyway.
I'm so dirty and I can't come clean. That man in the stables may well be a good man. I don't know him, have not met him. Boromir wished for me to meet him but now he does not. What does he think? My brother... does he think less of me for what I did? What happened to me? I didn't mean it but I'm different now. Is he thinking of me like that?
The dreams are horrible. I dream so many things that really happened. Sometimes I dream of being blind like I did after I was shot and Marv tried to push my eyes in. I dream of blindness, pain. I dream of what I did that weekend when I was the opposite of myself. I dream of being killed. I dream of things that happened after and things that never happened. I dream of my brother's face looking upon me with disgust and my father laughing because he knew all along I was no real man.
What is it about me? I should have spoken more clearly, said 'no' with greater force. My fault. I did something wrong and it's my fault.
In the daylight, I am myself. The shower doesn't make me clean. Everything is different and I just keep trying so no one will see.