Nightmare: I'll do anything
My sleep, such as it is, has been disturbed. The dream of the wave has visited me several times recently. I dream again of being blind, being shot, similar to other nightmares I’ve had here. I can never understand why the dream of the wave is the most frightening-among all of the other things, I am frightened of a wave?
If only I knew what it meant. I sigh, and turn to try and sleep again.
Under cut for length, possibly disturbing imagery
Where am I? Is this a room in the compound? Who is that?
Voice speaks, male, unknown.
“One of those you lost you may have back, but you must pay.”
I don’t know what he means about pay and I open my mouth to ask but the voice continues. It’s not like the figure is speaking, just… communicating.
“Eowyn-to return her you must tell her of Lord Aragorn and that he is pledged to another.”
That would hurt her terribly. And… would it be a kindness to bring Eowyn back? She did not like it here; she was worried for her people. She belongs there. It is not as though I was able to be much company for her. I cannot be, even though she’ll not be queen I am not a fitting companion for a lady.
“No, she is better where she is.”
“Boromir-if you want your brother here, you must tell him all you have done on the island.”
I was doing that already. I wanted to get out of it but I wouldn’t mind... if only he were back.
“You would have to tell him everything, things you think you’ve forgotten; the full extent of your relationship with Buffy; the strange man Zaphod; your fight with John Constantine. Your sojourn to Wonderland, the day of the tainted bread, the changed bodies, that you were a woman.”
That wouldn’t be so bad. He’d have found out about most of that anyway. He’d have heard that people changed and he’d have asked eventually. I can do that-but the voice isn’t finished.
“All that happened those days? And afterwards, how you lost Buffy, her fights with Richard and why. Will you tell your brother of that?”
He would not think any less of me, and there was nothing unseemly in my feelings toward Richard. To get Boromir back, I would tell him everything. But... Boromir is with our ancestors. And to bring him would be selfish.
“The third is Richard-I choose him.” He has no real home. They hunt him. He never wanted to leave and… Others miss him as well. Marv, Severus, River. Bridget is going to have his child.
“You do not yet know what you must do. Are you certain?”
A child needs its father. I would have Boromir for me, but he’d be unhappy here. Richard liked it here and never wanted to go. Combined with everything else, how could I choose differently?
“Yes. Completely certain.”
“Very well.”
Another figure appears, familiar.
“Richard!” He does not answer. “What must I do?”
A voice in my head--You know what he wanted of you.
What did he want? I don’t remember. Oh. I... I can’t do that. I don’t think of him that way. And yet, did I not say anything? I meant it. And the child still needs its father and Bridget would be so pleased. I can’t...
“He’ll remember everything? His friends, Bridget?” I need to know. “What I had to do?”
“Yes. He will return safe and well if you only give him what he wants, and he will remember everything.”
I can only wonder why I was chosen. Would not it have been better to ask Bridget what she’d do to get Richard back? It makes no sense. He’s my friend-my best friend. I did say anything but I didn’t realise what that meant. Echo of Buffy’s words that night I overheard them fighting... "It's really fucking hard to hear you when you've got your mouth on my boyfriend's--"
“Yes.”
Richard remains, and the other figure is gone. All I have to do is whatever he wants, whatever that is. I don’t really know what all he’ll ask of me.
“What will you have me do?”
“Just lie down, I'ma take care of everything.” Familiar voice.
I can’t... This is not right for any reason. I did not actually promise and, even if I had, it would not have included this.
“On your back.”
I don’t know what to expect. It’s... This has happened to me once. Buffy did this and I was so shocked. But it felt good once that wore off-not that the shock completely wore off. It felt wonderful then. This just feels wrong. I don’t want it as he does. It could have been worse but I guess he didn’t want that. It could have been worse and yet I can’t bear even this-feel hands and mouth with wet/heat and still I’m shaking. It will not end. I do not like this and Richard does not sound happy either, but frustrated.
“I’m sorry, I can’t!” My arm is thrown across my eyes so I don’t have to watch: tears fall. This is wrong and yet I had to do it. Bridget will have him back and the child. I’ll never be able to look at Richard again after this. I’m losing my friend anyway.
Richard stops and I feel his hands move off of me. Everything is very still and I know something is wrong. I move my arm, open my eyes.
My clothes, which had disappeared, are now back. Richard is gone and that other person returned.
“Where did he go? I did what he wanted!” What kind of trick was this? The figure shakes his head.
“You did not. He wanted to please you. You don’t look at all pleased.”
My stomach lurches, head reels as my world tilts--panic. He wanted to do things… I let him. But that wasn’t it. He wanted something that I can’t give, couldn’t ever, Bridget or not. Those things are not what I want from my friend and I didn’t understand. It was a trick-I can’t get Richard back, or Boromir, or Eowyn. I can’t do anything. I open my mouth and the noise is more like a howl than anything else.
Wake, my eyes are burning and my face is wet. I wait a moment, unsure if I shall be sick or not. I keep what little is in my stomach, for what it’s worth.
Think of it, that dream, and what I was willing to do to get my friend back. What would have gone wrong if I’d chosen Boromir? It would not have worked-they’re gone and I can’t change it. Knowing what I would do... I see what that makes me. And even so I could not do it right.
I abandon thoughts of sleeping more and dress, preparing for my day, which begins in the middle of the night and trying... to try.
If only I knew what it meant. I sigh, and turn to try and sleep again.
Under cut for length, possibly disturbing imagery
Where am I? Is this a room in the compound? Who is that?
Voice speaks, male, unknown.
“One of those you lost you may have back, but you must pay.”
I don’t know what he means about pay and I open my mouth to ask but the voice continues. It’s not like the figure is speaking, just… communicating.
“Eowyn-to return her you must tell her of Lord Aragorn and that he is pledged to another.”
That would hurt her terribly. And… would it be a kindness to bring Eowyn back? She did not like it here; she was worried for her people. She belongs there. It is not as though I was able to be much company for her. I cannot be, even though she’ll not be queen I am not a fitting companion for a lady.
“No, she is better where she is.”
“Boromir-if you want your brother here, you must tell him all you have done on the island.”
I was doing that already. I wanted to get out of it but I wouldn’t mind... if only he were back.
“You would have to tell him everything, things you think you’ve forgotten; the full extent of your relationship with Buffy; the strange man Zaphod; your fight with John Constantine. Your sojourn to Wonderland, the day of the tainted bread, the changed bodies, that you were a woman.”
That wouldn’t be so bad. He’d have found out about most of that anyway. He’d have heard that people changed and he’d have asked eventually. I can do that-but the voice isn’t finished.
“All that happened those days? And afterwards, how you lost Buffy, her fights with Richard and why. Will you tell your brother of that?”
He would not think any less of me, and there was nothing unseemly in my feelings toward Richard. To get Boromir back, I would tell him everything. But... Boromir is with our ancestors. And to bring him would be selfish.
“The third is Richard-I choose him.” He has no real home. They hunt him. He never wanted to leave and… Others miss him as well. Marv, Severus, River. Bridget is going to have his child.
“You do not yet know what you must do. Are you certain?”
A child needs its father. I would have Boromir for me, but he’d be unhappy here. Richard liked it here and never wanted to go. Combined with everything else, how could I choose differently?
“Yes. Completely certain.”
“Very well.”
Another figure appears, familiar.
“Richard!” He does not answer. “What must I do?”
A voice in my head--You know what he wanted of you.
What did he want? I don’t remember. Oh. I... I can’t do that. I don’t think of him that way. And yet, did I not say anything? I meant it. And the child still needs its father and Bridget would be so pleased. I can’t...
“He’ll remember everything? His friends, Bridget?” I need to know. “What I had to do?”
“Yes. He will return safe and well if you only give him what he wants, and he will remember everything.”
I can only wonder why I was chosen. Would not it have been better to ask Bridget what she’d do to get Richard back? It makes no sense. He’s my friend-my best friend. I did say anything but I didn’t realise what that meant. Echo of Buffy’s words that night I overheard them fighting... "It's really fucking hard to hear you when you've got your mouth on my boyfriend's--"
“Yes.”
Richard remains, and the other figure is gone. All I have to do is whatever he wants, whatever that is. I don’t really know what all he’ll ask of me.
“What will you have me do?”
“Just lie down, I'ma take care of everything.” Familiar voice.
I can’t... This is not right for any reason. I did not actually promise and, even if I had, it would not have included this.
“On your back.”
I don’t know what to expect. It’s... This has happened to me once. Buffy did this and I was so shocked. But it felt good once that wore off-not that the shock completely wore off. It felt wonderful then. This just feels wrong. I don’t want it as he does. It could have been worse but I guess he didn’t want that. It could have been worse and yet I can’t bear even this-feel hands and mouth with wet/heat and still I’m shaking. It will not end. I do not like this and Richard does not sound happy either, but frustrated.
“I’m sorry, I can’t!” My arm is thrown across my eyes so I don’t have to watch: tears fall. This is wrong and yet I had to do it. Bridget will have him back and the child. I’ll never be able to look at Richard again after this. I’m losing my friend anyway.
Richard stops and I feel his hands move off of me. Everything is very still and I know something is wrong. I move my arm, open my eyes.
My clothes, which had disappeared, are now back. Richard is gone and that other person returned.
“Where did he go? I did what he wanted!” What kind of trick was this? The figure shakes his head.
“You did not. He wanted to please you. You don’t look at all pleased.”
My stomach lurches, head reels as my world tilts--panic. He wanted to do things… I let him. But that wasn’t it. He wanted something that I can’t give, couldn’t ever, Bridget or not. Those things are not what I want from my friend and I didn’t understand. It was a trick-I can’t get Richard back, or Boromir, or Eowyn. I can’t do anything. I open my mouth and the noise is more like a howl than anything else.
Wake, my eyes are burning and my face is wet. I wait a moment, unsure if I shall be sick or not. I keep what little is in my stomach, for what it’s worth.
Think of it, that dream, and what I was willing to do to get my friend back. What would have gone wrong if I’d chosen Boromir? It would not have worked-they’re gone and I can’t change it. Knowing what I would do... I see what that makes me. And even so I could not do it right.
I abandon thoughts of sleeping more and dress, preparing for my day, which begins in the middle of the night and trying... to try.