Blind Terror
It starts simply enough, pleasantly enough. There is a comfortable presence in the darkness, a kiss. It was unexpected but certainly I don’t mind. There are more kisses in the dark, light and sweet, then more intense.
“Not here, Buffy,” I say. I am not exactly sure where ‘here’ is, but most likely the caves. Yes, we were going to my cave and she stopped me for a kiss. But I don’t remember exactly where we are. She kisses me again, nuzzling at my neck. “Not here.”
She pulls away and something has changed.
“I’m not asking you to strip down, but to kiss me,” she says angrily. “An act that you initiated.”
Had I? I thought she had kissed me.
“You take not joy even when it is offered to you,” I hear my brother scoff. “Your men would laugh at you.”
The voice changes to my father's. “They laugh at you already. You blush like a maid--you are a woman.”
Buffy. “Take your clothes off.”
A male voice. “You’re shy. It’s cute.”
Another man. “You don’t like men.”
No, I don’t. Not like that. But I see a woman’s back and turn away, blushing.
A woman’s voice, sultry and mocking. “Why lie to yourself about what you do and don’t want to see?”
But I can’t see anything--it’s so dark. There are voices but no physical presences that I can pinpoint.
“WHAT do you know of the Dark Lord?” sounds loudly in my ears.
“You will quake in fear soon,” says a man’s voice that merges into a woman’s. “Now come out here so I can skin you alive.”
“You can scream if you want.”
“I’m hunting you down. I’m going to have to frak with you.”
“Be glad you’re here, where I’m not setting you on fire.”
“What have I done? What do you want?” Who are these people? They seem to be able to see me but I can’t see them. I can’t see anything because it’s pitch black.
“You can scream if you want.”
“Go away. You seem harmless enough, run along and play. You need to take a walk right now.”
“DO NOT WALK AWAY FROM ME!”
“Trouble me not with Faramir: I know his uses, of which there are few.” Father!
“It sure would be of great use to have a man around sometimes. Why haven’t you fucked her already? Enjoy your pity party and fuck you!”
“It’s not like you’ll understand it anyway... backward and stupid. I knew you were a smart man. What the fuck kind of place are you from?”
The voices and words jumble together, washing over me like a wave. There are faces to go along with some of them but others are just sounds in the darkness.
“You can scream if you want.”
“Would you not worry? I’m not going to rape you.” Male.
“We never made the choice. It was made for us.” Female.
“I play games with everyone.” Male.
“You got this terminal nice guy thing going on. That ever get you in trouble?”
“Have you killed many? He fell in battle... six days ago. Some people were born to fight. Lord Denethor is dead.”
Stop it. It’s so loud.
“Did you miss the part where I’m aroused for no reason? ‘Cause I know you haven’t forgotten I like ass.”
“Faramir, RUN! Get out of here now. You need to walk away from me. Fuck you.”
It hurts. There’s pressure in my chest and I am trying to run, to leave as so many have warned. I can’t see anything but I’m moving as quickly as I can.
In a moment--how did it happen so quickly?--I am lying on the ground, crushed. The voice is almost in my ear.
“You can scream if you want.”
It’s so hot and I can’t move or breathe or see. I think I’m trying to say something but my voice makes no sound. Nobody hears or nobody listens. I can hear the voices repeating but they are so mixed together that I can’t understand--a few words come through. “Laugh, RUN, lie, harmless, leave, fuck you, RUN, fuck you, RUN.”
The close voice again. “You’re gonna suffer and then you’re gonna wanna die. You can scream if you want.”
“Last chance.”
My shoulder and face hurt and there’s something wrong with my eyes besides the fact that I can’t see.
“You can scream if you want.”
I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat and gasping for air. I can see.
It takes a few minutes to calm down but at last I have stopped shaking and am breathing normally. At least there was no one to see me like that.
I have forgiven Marv. It was not his fault: it is not his fault that he has an illness. It has shaken me more than I thought to see him again. He is so much bigger than I am and feels so badly for what he did. What he did when he didn’t mean it and didn’t even know who I was. The wounds are healing and I am not blind but it could have gone so differently.
Richard arriving a few moments later and it would have been so different.
I need to get away from this place.
“Not here, Buffy,” I say. I am not exactly sure where ‘here’ is, but most likely the caves. Yes, we were going to my cave and she stopped me for a kiss. But I don’t remember exactly where we are. She kisses me again, nuzzling at my neck. “Not here.”
She pulls away and something has changed.
“I’m not asking you to strip down, but to kiss me,” she says angrily. “An act that you initiated.”
Had I? I thought she had kissed me.
“You take not joy even when it is offered to you,” I hear my brother scoff. “Your men would laugh at you.”
The voice changes to my father's. “They laugh at you already. You blush like a maid--you are a woman.”
Buffy. “Take your clothes off.”
A male voice. “You’re shy. It’s cute.”
Another man. “You don’t like men.”
No, I don’t. Not like that. But I see a woman’s back and turn away, blushing.
A woman’s voice, sultry and mocking. “Why lie to yourself about what you do and don’t want to see?”
But I can’t see anything--it’s so dark. There are voices but no physical presences that I can pinpoint.
“WHAT do you know of the Dark Lord?” sounds loudly in my ears.
“You will quake in fear soon,” says a man’s voice that merges into a woman’s. “Now come out here so I can skin you alive.”
“You can scream if you want.”
“I’m hunting you down. I’m going to have to frak with you.”
“Be glad you’re here, where I’m not setting you on fire.”
“What have I done? What do you want?” Who are these people? They seem to be able to see me but I can’t see them. I can’t see anything because it’s pitch black.
“You can scream if you want.”
“Go away. You seem harmless enough, run along and play. You need to take a walk right now.”
“DO NOT WALK AWAY FROM ME!”
“Trouble me not with Faramir: I know his uses, of which there are few.” Father!
“It sure would be of great use to have a man around sometimes. Why haven’t you fucked her already? Enjoy your pity party and fuck you!”
“It’s not like you’ll understand it anyway... backward and stupid. I knew you were a smart man. What the fuck kind of place are you from?”
The voices and words jumble together, washing over me like a wave. There are faces to go along with some of them but others are just sounds in the darkness.
“You can scream if you want.”
“Would you not worry? I’m not going to rape you.” Male.
“We never made the choice. It was made for us.” Female.
“I play games with everyone.” Male.
“You got this terminal nice guy thing going on. That ever get you in trouble?”
“Have you killed many? He fell in battle... six days ago. Some people were born to fight. Lord Denethor is dead.”
Stop it. It’s so loud.
“Did you miss the part where I’m aroused for no reason? ‘Cause I know you haven’t forgotten I like ass.”
“Faramir, RUN! Get out of here now. You need to walk away from me. Fuck you.”
It hurts. There’s pressure in my chest and I am trying to run, to leave as so many have warned. I can’t see anything but I’m moving as quickly as I can.
In a moment--how did it happen so quickly?--I am lying on the ground, crushed. The voice is almost in my ear.
“You can scream if you want.”
It’s so hot and I can’t move or breathe or see. I think I’m trying to say something but my voice makes no sound. Nobody hears or nobody listens. I can hear the voices repeating but they are so mixed together that I can’t understand--a few words come through. “Laugh, RUN, lie, harmless, leave, fuck you, RUN, fuck you, RUN.”
The close voice again. “You’re gonna suffer and then you’re gonna wanna die. You can scream if you want.”
“Last chance.”
My shoulder and face hurt and there’s something wrong with my eyes besides the fact that I can’t see.
“You can scream if you want.”
I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat and gasping for air. I can see.
It takes a few minutes to calm down but at last I have stopped shaking and am breathing normally. At least there was no one to see me like that.
I have forgiven Marv. It was not his fault: it is not his fault that he has an illness. It has shaken me more than I thought to see him again. He is so much bigger than I am and feels so badly for what he did. What he did when he didn’t mean it and didn’t even know who I was. The wounds are healing and I am not blind but it could have gone so differently.
Richard arriving a few moments later and it would have been so different.
I need to get away from this place.