Musings on what I've done...
Seeing as how I hardly ever post anything of substance (since fluff and random crap is so much more fun), I'm about to make a change. Read of it what you will, but I thought that I needed to write all of this down now, while I was thinking about it and everything is sort of swirling around in my head. Maybe this will lend some coherence. Maybe this will be more self-indulgent whining. Whatever it is, its time to let it out and finally be done with it just sitting around in my head.
I think it finally dawned on me, just how much I have accomplished since March. I had to go to Ross yesterday to buy a new pair of jeans. Granted, this is not the first time I've done this in recent months. And it is further not the first time I've had to purchase a size 10 pair of jeans. But it is the first time where every pair of pants in my hand was a size 10, and I knew that they would all most likely fit (all of the size 12 pants in my closet were beginning to require wearing belts just to keep them from sliding down my hips). It was also a time for me to realize that I need to learn how to dissociate the person in the dressing room mirror from what I remember her to look like. Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I still see the old me. I still see the extra stuff that most people would never notice. This must be a part of the process, the weird view of yourself when you've change appearance so much that it is hard for the brain to catch up and recognize the physical person staring back at you from the mirror. Its an odd feeling.
Don't get me wrong, because I do realize that I have changed, and I can tell the difference on many levels that are both physical and mental. I'm more energetic, less exhausted all the time, and I can be more active without having to exert myself too much. I'm enjoying my time more, and I actually like being active, going out for a walk just because. I've always liked being outdoors, and now I can fully enjoy the experience.
However, I'm at the point where I'm stepping back and taking stock of everything at once. This is for a couple of reasons. One is that I was interviewed for a possible magazine article (I'm still not sure what will happen with that yet). Another is that over the past month or so, so many people have commented on my "new look" for lack of a better phrase. I've also become a lot closer to my goals, and it makes me start thinking about the maintenance part of this process... the rest of my life in other words. All of the changes that I have made to this point, they need to stick. The food choices, the exercise, and the mind set. Everything has to stick for this to work. I don't want to go back to what I was. It was too hard, and I was always tired. I was not really happy (even though at times it felt like it). I liked to drown my stress and frustration with whole containers of ice cream or cookie dough. Not good activities. I'm slowly learning how to have a much better understanding of food. I know now that I can eat the chocolate and the ice cream and have the frilly Starbucks coffee... within reason and with some modifications. I've learned that I do really like wheat and whole grains (its the only way for me to eat an english muffin is if it is wheat), and that I can eat multiple slices of turkey bacon for my breakfast fix. Its an evolving process, that's for sure. But it is a process that makes me think about food so much, keeping track of it and cooking it and shopping for it and planning meals. Its like a whole other job. There are pros and cons to this new cycle. Pros include: learning new recipes, finding new veggies and fruits to try, shocking my mom by eating Boca burgers, finding out that I can eat a lot more than I thought I could and still lose weight. Cons include: planning meals, remembering to log everything (damn calorie counting), spending more money on healthy foods, learning that more things than I thought had high sodium and high fructose corn syrup in the ingredients, giving up all sodas, not eating fast foods (literal and microwave meals), trying to eat well when not at home, learning how to take it easy on myself when things aren't as I had planned... I know a lot of the cons seem petty, but they do factor into life now.
There is more, but I need to stop typing and get back to work so I can go home soon and not be here forever. I'll finish this later.
I think it finally dawned on me, just how much I have accomplished since March. I had to go to Ross yesterday to buy a new pair of jeans. Granted, this is not the first time I've done this in recent months. And it is further not the first time I've had to purchase a size 10 pair of jeans. But it is the first time where every pair of pants in my hand was a size 10, and I knew that they would all most likely fit (all of the size 12 pants in my closet were beginning to require wearing belts just to keep them from sliding down my hips). It was also a time for me to realize that I need to learn how to dissociate the person in the dressing room mirror from what I remember her to look like. Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I still see the old me. I still see the extra stuff that most people would never notice. This must be a part of the process, the weird view of yourself when you've change appearance so much that it is hard for the brain to catch up and recognize the physical person staring back at you from the mirror. Its an odd feeling.
Don't get me wrong, because I do realize that I have changed, and I can tell the difference on many levels that are both physical and mental. I'm more energetic, less exhausted all the time, and I can be more active without having to exert myself too much. I'm enjoying my time more, and I actually like being active, going out for a walk just because. I've always liked being outdoors, and now I can fully enjoy the experience.
However, I'm at the point where I'm stepping back and taking stock of everything at once. This is for a couple of reasons. One is that I was interviewed for a possible magazine article (I'm still not sure what will happen with that yet). Another is that over the past month or so, so many people have commented on my "new look" for lack of a better phrase. I've also become a lot closer to my goals, and it makes me start thinking about the maintenance part of this process... the rest of my life in other words. All of the changes that I have made to this point, they need to stick. The food choices, the exercise, and the mind set. Everything has to stick for this to work. I don't want to go back to what I was. It was too hard, and I was always tired. I was not really happy (even though at times it felt like it). I liked to drown my stress and frustration with whole containers of ice cream or cookie dough. Not good activities. I'm slowly learning how to have a much better understanding of food. I know now that I can eat the chocolate and the ice cream and have the frilly Starbucks coffee... within reason and with some modifications. I've learned that I do really like wheat and whole grains (its the only way for me to eat an english muffin is if it is wheat), and that I can eat multiple slices of turkey bacon for my breakfast fix. Its an evolving process, that's for sure. But it is a process that makes me think about food so much, keeping track of it and cooking it and shopping for it and planning meals. Its like a whole other job. There are pros and cons to this new cycle. Pros include: learning new recipes, finding new veggies and fruits to try, shocking my mom by eating Boca burgers, finding out that I can eat a lot more than I thought I could and still lose weight. Cons include: planning meals, remembering to log everything (damn calorie counting), spending more money on healthy foods, learning that more things than I thought had high sodium and high fructose corn syrup in the ingredients, giving up all sodas, not eating fast foods (literal and microwave meals), trying to eat well when not at home, learning how to take it easy on myself when things aren't as I had planned... I know a lot of the cons seem petty, but they do factor into life now.
There is more, but I need to stop typing and get back to work so I can go home soon and not be here forever. I'll finish this later.