[Fiction] Dream A Little Dream Of Me
Dream A Little Dream Of Me
Chapter One of Four
Author: fallen-angel-of-repression
Editor: ifthedeadwerealive (not on LJ)
Series: Kingdom Hearts
Pairing: Riku/Sora
Genre: Romance/Drama
Word Count: 31178 (excluding epilogue)
Progress: Complete.
Notes: NC-17. Non-AU. Multi-chapter. Originally on ff, but I've finally decided to also archive my stories here.
Summary: Exhaustion edging up on the both of us, Riku placed his hand on my hip in a slightly possessive manner and I couldn't help but ask myself before falling asleep, What did I just do...
FF.net Post: www.fanfiction.net/s/4045026/1/Dream_A_Little_Dream_Of_Me (Review there if you like it~!)
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Leave All Worries Behind You
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My hand held stiff as he stared emptily at my offering. For so long, his green eyes had desperately searched for something absolute and finally, he found it willingly outstretched to him. I could only wonder how overwhelmed he must have felt.
But then again, was that not what I myself had been doing for the past three and a half years? I traveled the far corners of eternal space, hoping to find the two people who meant the most to me. One was my best friend, someone I would regard as nothing less than my sister. At times, she knew more about me than I did. (I admit it’s not such a tremendous achievement; I could be a bit oblivious. But I have to give her some credit.) Maybe she was not a sibling through blood, but definitely through our love.
I couldn’t just abandon her now.
“We’ll go together.”
The light radiating from across the black water created no shadow on this beach, or on his face. How could it when faced with the overwhelming neutrality of the surrounding world? I think I could feel it more than he could. There was nothing here. Literally nothing. This place was the root to the entire universe, and being so had stripped it. It was nothing more than an escape from what was real, what was true.
“So much for staying here to protect this realm.”
And who was that other person I spoke of? Well, let’s just say that he was one and the same with the young man sitting on the dark sand at my feet. It should also be said that he was the one I wanted to be more than a best friend, a brother, or a simple crush with. Being separated from him told me that.
“They’re waiting for us. She’s waiting.” I knew if I had my way, he would be mine. “We can’t hide forever, Riku.”
He reviewed the distill claps of the tide against his shoes before turning back to me. He nodded and whispered, “Yeah.” His palm slapped against mine and I pulled him up with the flex of my arm, holding his exhausted body close to keep him steady. A pang of guilt upset me, seeing that my healing abilities could do nothing for his pain. Riku, who was much taller than me, slipped his arm around my neck and put his weight upon my shoulders. He clutched his side and took a step toward the brightening horizon. (Dammit. Another pang. He received the most critical injuries taking direct damage to protect me.)
I went to grab his belt in order to hitch him in the direction of our destination. But for the third time that day, I misjudged how far his jeans hung from his waist, and got a handful of said pants right against his ass. I blushed, but made no effort to remove myself. I saw him smirk from the corner of my eye, ready to comment on the situation.
Blanching from the thought of what he might say, I tried to start up a conversation that completely avoided my hand and his pants. But nothing ever formulated because as the water hit my knee, I suddenly felt split. I knew I was stepping forward at a pace Riku would be comfortable with-and yet, I was falling. No air was streaming past my face. The weightlessness of flight had not consumed me. But I still knew. It wasn’t for several more steps before I began to see. My vision was torn, or rather, my vision was interpreting two different images, and my mind was overlapping them. One was of this dark realm, and the other was of a colorfully rich sunset, an ocean and island included. Wait-an island?
I gasped and turned to my companion. “Riku, can you see-?”
It was then that I lost him. Actually, I lost the entire beach. My eyes were forced close, but I could tell that the sinking feeling that had been flooding me was correct.
My breath caught, and my thoughts jumbled: Was I falling feet first? No. The air encircling me first rammed into my head and slid down my sides. My clothes licked my trembling body. Where was Riku? I couldn’t breathe. I was moving too quickly, quicker than ever before. But how much longer until I hit the end? I couldn’t tell. Where was Riku? I inhaled through my nose. Just open your eyes, I told myself. Come on. My eyes twitched. Come on, a little more…
Two suns greeted me. One was a star and the other just a reflection, but it was barely possible to tell which was which. There were two bodies of land separating the horizon from sky. One, which covered much farther than I could make out, was the station to many buildings and mountains in the distance. Together, these red-roofed buildings were a town-my town. (It was really the Destiny Islands!) The other was a small island just off the coast of the mainland. Tall, lush trees enveloped the land, covering small architectures within its heavy branches. I saw our tree house, the make-believe boat, and the big rock where Riku and I would spend hours sparing with our wooden swords. (Ha, wooden swords.) I thought I would never be able to return!
When I saw myself reaching the end to my drop, I crossed my arms and, to my dismay, closed my eyes. I spun slightly, which disoriented me once I broke through the water’s surface. The slight movements of the water coming from a source other than myself led me to the conclusion that my light-haired friend was somewhere behind me. Surprisingly, I wasn’t hurt by the crash of a thousand-foot dive. There wasn’t even a huge splash, which kind of ticked me off. And even more amazing was that when I reemerged, my hair was as I had left it: spiking a foot off my scalp in slants going every which way. Wait, I did just fall, right?
“Sora! Riku!”
My heart jerked. I searched for the source of the familiar voice. There she was, standing welcomingly on the lip of the ocean. I looked at her smiling face as she flung her hand up to wave. After a shared laugh with Riku, I fell forward, pushing off the sand floor. Although I had much practice with swimming over the span of my adventure, my movements were heavy with disbelief. The water was so clean; so refreshing.
When the water became too shallow for me to swim, I stood, barely able to do so because of my excitement. Kairi greeted me with a laugh. Beginning to run out to her, I halted with the approaching of several more figures. From behind Kairi, two blurry blobs tumbled toward me: one blue and white and the other black, yellow and green.
Together, the two shouted, “Sora!”
It was too late to brace myself once I realized what these blobs were. I was violently thrown backward with the force of my friends’ combined glomp. Two pairs of arms gripped onto me in an effort to keep me stationary. Donald’s nasally cries mixed perfectly with Goofy’s “garwsh” and “a-hyuck.” Their cheeks rubbed against mine. Before I could stop myself, I looked from the corner of my eye for Riku. He and King Mickey were embracing in the same, loving manner I was with Donald and Goofy.
As Goofy shifted his weight from my left arm to my shoulder, a prod from a sharp object in my pocket sent a jolt of remembrance through me. Easing (more like prying) my two pals off me, I turned to Kairi again. She had stepped toward our dog pile without me noticing. The tide ran over her shoes. My throat clenched impulsively at the long awaited sight of the girl. How long did I search for her, trying to rescue her, during my adventure? How many times did I crave to see her shining eyes smiling back at me? A hint of a promise spurred even more of a response. Realizing that we had been staring for quiet some time, I said exasperatedly, “We’re back.”
The redhead stuck out her hand. “You’re home.”
Quickly taking the precious memento from my pocket, I grabbed her hand with it between us. Kairi pulled me up to my feet. When I released her, the girl automatically went to examine what I gave her.
The thalassa shell charm rested in her palm. The charm was shaped like a star, with five of the shells as the points. Its legend states that a traveler equipped with it would have a safe voyage, or so she told me when she made it. Kairi lent the little star to me toward the middle of my journey. I had told her I was leaving to rescue Riku from the grips of darkness, just after I had saved her from him. I must have had shocked her. “There might not be anything you can do,” she had told me.
“I have to try,” I had replied. The cave underneath Traverse Town was so dark that Merlin needed to have torches lit constantly. They had created odd shadows against the bumpy walls.
“I know he’s your best friend, but he’s not our Riku anymore. He’s changed, and you know it. Aren’t you afraid of, you know, not being able to bring him back?” For the first time in years, I had responded with the full truth: I loved Riku in a way I probably shouldn’t, but I couldn’t stop. I needed to go and try so I knew I had done everything in my power to get him back to me. Kairi was the first person I came out to, so when she accepted me, I felt better than I had in so long.
Kairi bit her trembling lip as her fingers traced the shells. Her big, cerulean eyes blinked several times as she swallowed loudly. “I cannot,” she said shakily, “I-I cannot believe you remembered!”
The slim female squealed in a pitch no man (other than a castrato) could ever reach. Her arms flew open, and she jumped. I was slammed to the ground, again, as Kairi threw all her body weight against me. I landed with “Oof.”
Catching a whiff of her sweet, flowery shampoo, I sat cross-legged with her in my lap. She squeezed me, pressing her warm body close to my wet one. Her face buried into my shoulder, and her hands were lost in the fabric of my shirt. The redhead wasn’t crying, just breathing softly. I hugged her as everyone watched. If it had been anyone but Kairi, I may have been uncomfortable; however, with the redhead, it felt too natural to be weird.
“Man, I missed you guys,” she whispered. “When I started to remember you and Riku again, I felt so alone. My two best friends were traveling farther than I could imagine, mixed up with a whole bunch of bad guys. You could’ve been dead, and I had no way of knowing.”
“Hey! You thought that I would get myself killed? Please, Kairi, you know I’m too awe-”
Sitting up, she punched my stomach in a ha-ha-you-better-shut-up-before-you-make-an-ass-of-yourself way. A pout played on her lips. “I’m trying to be serious, and all you can do is joke.” Suddenly, a chuckle interrupted my moment with the girl. We both turned to Goofy, who was obviously trying to muffle his laughter. “What’s so funny?”
“Garwsh. Nothing’s funny, ‘cept that you expected Sora to be serious. That’s like, like asking, ah um...”
Donald finished Goofy’s sentence, “Like asking Leon to pick between a gun and a sword.”
A blush rose up to my face. “I’m serious all the time!”
“Would that be before you pretended to be a pirate, or after you wanted to meet Santa Claus?”
He did not just bring in Santa Claus! “Oh, that’s it. You just declared war, my friend!” I pounced on the wizard, thereby starting a water fight between me, Kairi, Donald and Goofy. We were mostly splashing around, although every once in a while a tackle slipped in.
It wasn’t long before my exhaustion set in. My last battle had been exhilarating because of its sheer intensity, but a person doesn’t run on pure adrenalin. The rest on the dark beach had done me good, but it wasn’t enough. Besides that it for such a short amount of time, for most of it I was being distracted by Riku’s presence and conversation. Telling Donald, Goofy and Kairi I was going to take a break, I stumbled up onto the beach, taking heed of any dips in the sand. Shaking my clothes and hair, I managed to remove some water weighing my body down. But I was still wet, which irked me to no end. Even my hair was having trouble standing up on its own. It did, of course, because it was my hair, but it was having trouble. I looked around for a place to rest. Remembering the island where Riku and I sparred, I walked to the little shack that led to the large rock.
After climbing the stairs and opening a door, I saw that someone was already sitting there. Smiling, I shut the door behind me and ran across a wooden bridge to him, though exhausted as I was. He sat on a peach-colored tree that grew sideways for the most part, with the roots and branches being the only vertical limbs. I jumped over the trunk when I reached it, leaning against the paopu tree’s plated bark. Riku acknowledged my presence with a sigh and the calm stooping of his shoulder.
His voice startled the silence around us. “Nothing’s changed, huh?”
I knew what he meant right away. The island was exactly as we had left it, with the exception of an extra rope bridge or tree house scattered among the visible branches. “Nope, nothing will.”
“What a small world,” he breathed. It was strange; we had been to dozens of unique places, experienced so many things, and met some of the oddest personalities, and yet we end up on a planet that never pro- or digresses.
“But part of one that’s much bigger.” But I think I love it this way. I couldn’t fit into any other world. I’ve been here for about an hour and I feel more welcomed than at a world I was in for weeks.
“Do you remember our raft? It was just a bunch of dinky logs tied together, but I thought it was going to grant my wish for freedom, for complete liberation!” He gestured toward the horizon with his bandaged arm.
“Riku…”
“I just had to get out there, anywhere. And when I finally did get my wish, all I wanted to do was come back here and be with you.” With a pause, he continued, “And Kairi, of course. I wanted to be with both you and Kairi. The King always encouraged me, reminding me of my true reality: hanging out with my best friends. He looked so relieved as he left to talk with the mayor and our parents.” The leg that had been supporting him swayed, with his hair not too far behind. “But, look at me. The second you guys started playing around, I walk off.”
I could hear how he hurt in his voice. I wanted to help but was afraid. I wanted to reach my hand and touch his; to bathe him with kisses and cleanse him of the last three and a half years and of his abandonment of human connections. And I needed Riku’s comfort as well; but if it were to be sent platonically, I might just be pained more. If the door from the dark realm to this one had it stayed shut, I could have stayed with him contentedly. This world allows for so much distance. Why did it open? I would have been happy to live in nothingness with Riku had not the door opened. Why couldn’t I just have stayed there with him? “Riku,” I questioned, “what do you think it was? What opened the door to the light?”
“Come on, Sora. You still haven’t figured it out?” He jumped off the tree trunk. I straightened up so we stood facing one another. Riku looked down to me as if I were a fool. He brought up his hand and tapped my shirt over my heart. “This.”
Confused, I covered my heart with my left hand. “This?” He nodded impatiently. “I don’t understand.”
The orange light of the sunset filled Riku’s face, in a way similar to how the light did in the dark realm. Still, the two were very different. Now, Riku’s features seemed warmer and more real. Even his wispy, almost white hair fell to his nose in such a way that didn’t hide his eyes in shame, only shyly concealed them from me. “Don’t give me that.” He frowned crossly, his delicate face changing in the bright light. “What’s the use of hiding it? You love Kairi, don’t you?”
“Wha-What?” I managed to get out.
I couldn’t believe he said that! Of all the people who told me I wanted her as my girlfriend (and of the same people who I corrected), Riku wasn’t supposed to be one of them. And he said it angrily, as if he didn’t want Kairi and me to be together, not that I wanted to, but... Maybe what Cloud said was true. I mean: I would be happy for the two if they did get together, but-Dammit!
I was aware that even if my feelings were so powerful, Riku didn’t have to feel the same. He could be straight, and even if he wasn’t, he did not have to romantically love me. Cloud warned me of the pain of unrequited love, especially toward a presumably heterosexual male. The blond told me of his relationship with Leon in the only conversation I ever had with him that involved more than four sentences. He could hardly stand seeing Leon with a girl, or having the brunet ask him why he wasn’t with Tifa yet. From time to time, Cloud did date other men, and the blond hinted at how extreme his promiscuousness was. But it was obvious that only worked for short amounts of time.
Although they did eventually get together with the help of the meddling Yuffie, Cloud said it was just dumb luck that Leon was bi. He expected that it was highly unlikely my “lover boy” was gay seeing how much he liked “that redhead chick.” Tactless though Cloud might have been, he was the only one honest enough to prepare me for the possibility.
“You don’t believe that do you?”
Riku shifted. “Look, it’s okay with me.”
“No! It shouldn’t be okay. She’s like my sister! You should be the last person to think there’s anything more than that.” I ran my fingers through my hair. “Since we met her, we’ve both looked over her. We made sure our friends welcomed her, if she was able to do whatever stunts we were doing, and we listened to her problems and stories and jokes. She is my closest girl friend, but not my girlfriend. That’s why I searched for her! I couldn’t just lose my best friend. I admit that sometimes I did choose to protect her over you, but I knew that you could take care of yourself. With Kairi, it’s different, you know?” I paused to catch my breath. Riku’s face was blank, so I couldn’t tell what he was making out of my ranting. “Listen. I love Kairi just as much as,” my speech slowed to halt. I breathed in and finished my comparison, “I love you.”
He blinked at me several times. His mouth twittered as if to say something, but stopped, swallowing. Riku licked his lips and muttered, “As much as you love me?” I nodded, my heart aching from the false admission. “No offense to Kairi, but do you honestly only see me as another one of your many friends?” I didn’t answer. I didn’t know how. I didn’t understand what he was asking me. “I see.” He shook his head and stiffly walked past me.
Detecting how horrible it would be to end the conversation in such a way, I pivoted and called, “Wait!” Riku stopped just steps away from me.
“What do you want, Sora?”
Shaking my head, I dragged myself over to him. I stood right behind him, my eyes trailing down from his silvery hair. I inhaled sharply. I snaked my arms around his thin waist slowly, pressing my chest to his flimsy vest. His body tensed against my arms. The teen was colder than I expected, and I held him closer because of it. We were both breathing heavily, him more than I; I must have been making him uncomfortable or something. But I needed to do this, whatever the hell this was.
My head rested on his shoulder the best it could; I was shorter than him. “Don’t be upset. That came out wrong. I love my friends, all of them. But I do love some differently than others. I grew up with the gang, and they’re familiar to me. The people I’ve met along my journey taught me so much. Donald, Goofy and I went through everything and a day together. And Kairi is Kairi. I fell in love with all of them.”
I squeezed harder around him. My lips accidentally brushed against his neck. “And me?”
I knew I was entering dangerous territory, but I couldn’t prevent it. My emotions and hormones were flaring, but I pressed them down. I did keep my mouth against his neck, even as I talked. That was too tempting to resist. “I’ve known you for longer. We have something different, deeper. I’m sorry if I hurt you when I compared what I feel for Kairi to what I feel for you.” I carefully chose my words. I was not going to lose my friendship with Riku for anything. “I need you to be here for me.” I could be a friend. “I can’t imagine not having you in my life.” I could repress my attraction. “I love you.” I would do anything as long as I didn’t lose the most important person in my life.
Quivering fingers grabbed my hands at their knuckles. His head tilted deeply, causing me to slip my face into the nape of his neck rather than the crook of it. “Sora,” he whispered. “Please, don’t say it like that. You’re making me feel like I’m constantly betraying our friendship.”
I heard the words ‘betray’ and ‘our friendship’ in the same sentence, and I impulsively reeled back, but he grasped only harder. By the severe tensing of his body within my arms it was obvious he had said too much for his own liking. I sighed, “Why?”
He didn’t answer. We stood with me embracing him from the back until my feet were tingling with numbness. I didn’t understand. These reactions were not what I was expecting, especially after the conversation with Cloud. Why couldn’t he see that I had the hots for him and then tell me, yah, I’m flattered but, nah, I don’t fly that way. This was all confusing. We were hiding so much from each other. I knew what I was keeping from him, but what could he possibly be keeping from me?
“Just tell me, Riku. What are you doing wrong? Don’t I deserve to know?”
Riku took a step forward suddenly, unbalancing me. He turned around and put his hand on my neck. I was startled by this action, uncomfortable for I did not understand what it meant. His fingers were more calloused than what I remembered them to be, but then again so were mine. His green eyes slipped closed and his head bowed forward. “Don’t worry about it. It’s my problem, not yours. It has nothing to do with you.”
With his final statement, a cold passion rose from my stomach and filled my senses. I yanked my hands with such force and suddenness that Riku did not have time to prevent my escape. I had enough of his constant avoidance, of his unreasonable insecurity, and of my aching desperation to please him. I stepped away. I should not have spent so much time imagining kissing him and caressing him and loving him, and so much time wanting to have just a single night with him but knowing one night would never be enough. If he was going to betray me, I might as well just, might as well give up hoping that one day he’ll pay attention to me. Sucking on my lower lip, I brought up my right hand, still tingling from his touch, in a clear attack.
“Hey, Sora!” I snapped my hand back to my side. His hair fell over his eyes in such a way that I couldn’t make out what he was thinking. We both searched for the source of the call, a not-so-difficult task. Kairi was running across the planks to join us on the large rock-island. I stood expectantly for her, a chill still written on my features. For a split second, I was ashamed of myself; not because of my reaction, per se, but because I knew that, hadn’t Kairi appeared, I would have slapped Riku across the cheek with an open hand. But my embarrassment quickly receded with the memory of Riku’s unprovoked cold-heartedness.
“Why are you,” I began to question her when the redhead stuck something out. “Here,” she said as she hunched forward to catch her breath. “Don’t ask me to explain because I really do not know.”
She held a bottle. At first, I didn’t notice the paper rolled up inside. When I did, the little emblem of King Mickey blared up against the cream-colored paper. “From the King,” I said, a bit confused. Kairi did not explain, only jerked her hand closer to me. Taking the offering, I quickly uncorked it and began reading. The writing on the paper was immaculate and very elegant, but legible all the same.
“‘Kairi, Riku and Sora,’” I read aloud, my eyes wandering to Kairi’s blank face before continuing. “‘The journey that has brought you to places previously unknown to even your imagination is finally drawing to a close. Each of you (and this does include you, Kairi) were thrust into dangerous conflict as nothing more than a small threesome of children, immature due only to your youth. At the time, all your experiences seemed to be nothing compared to such a tremendous task given to you. But you three-starting as this trio of pubescent adolescents with only a vague passion for adventure-were able to push past this obstacle.’ Wait, Kairi, I don’t understand.” My arm dropped a bit as I stared down the girl. “Why didn’t he just say this to our face? Where is”-“Leave her alone, Sora. She said she doesn’t know any more than we do. Just keep on reading.”
Allowing for only another second of hesitation, I shoved the speaker’s chest and snapped, “Shut up!” Kairi gaped at my roughness as Riku blinked at me. “I was not talking to you. If I was, I would have said, ‘Wait, Riku,’ not, ‘Wait, Kairi.’ I want to know why she has this letter instead of the King delivering it to us directly. Did that have anything to do with you?”
“What’s your problem, Sora?” Kairi shouted with timidity sketched into her words. “After you left, Goofy, Donald and I were playing around for a little longer. We decided to take a break. I went to see if you guys were in the cave”-Riku flinched-“and when I returned all that was left was the bottle. I knew they wouldn’t go exploring the island without us so I took it and ran straight here. Why are you acting like such a dick?”
“They weren’t there? But they wouldn’t just-No! No.” My hands wrapped tightly around Kairi’s thin biceps, the paper still in my hand wrinkling. “They wouldn’t just leave!”
I must have taken it a step too far for Riku’s comfort. One moment I was holding Kairi and the next I was pinned against the horizontal trunk of the paopu fruit tree. I struggled in his grip, screaming profanities and threats, but my exhaustion bubbled up again. And although I resolved to stop my attraction to Riku, my body responded too well to the proximity of his. “There isn’t a reason to yell.” A gentle scowl creased his forehead, but he obviously sympathized with me. Damn. Damn! How was I supposed to be angry with him when all I could think about was how gentle he was to me! Damn it. I was just so tired. I needed to rest. Just needed-My muscles involuntarily went limp. Riku enveloped me as quickly as I had begun to fall, his strength evident in the ease he presented in doing so. He shrugged my arms around his neck, his lips grazing my ear to whisper, “You can be angry at me all you want, just don’t take it out on Kairi.” Though his tone apathetic toward the fact that I indeed was upset with him, he was in the right.
I nodded, expecting for him to let me go. Instead, he turned us around so that he was up against the tree and I was using him as a nearly vertical bed. And I would have complained about it too, if he hadn’t slipped his fingers underneath my shirt to rub circles into the small of my back. Perhaps he knew I wouldn’t be able to stand on my own any more. “Continue reading, Kairi.”
Whenever the document transferred from me to the girl was a mystery to me, but in that moment I realized it was not in my fist. She didn’t sound surprised at the closeness of her two, male best friends. Riku’s fingertips against my skin distracted me from thinking any deeper than observation. “Umm, okay. So, we were ‘able to push past this obstacle. Of course, you each had your own way of dealing with it. Kairi, you were never just a vessel in which a pure heart could be carried.’” She blushed. “‘You were a constant help to your friends, giving them the hope and determination to carry on. Even as a figure said not to have a heart or soul, your other half fought for what she thought was right.
“‘Sora, there are not enough words to express how crucial your role was in preserving the worlds’ order. I could write on forever about your bravery during the multiple times you risked your life to prevent chaos of all worlds, your loyalty to the many friends made along the way, your strength to defend what was right when even your allies were against you, and your love toward your best friends; but even then I would never be able to account all the pain you must have gone through for the good of all. I never doubted that the boy I sent Donald and Goofy to meet would ever disappoint me, and you have not done so yet.’
“The next part seems a little more vague. ‘Well, Riku, we have already discussed anything to be discussed. I do not wish to reveal anything that you would rather not be said. Thank you, my friend, thank you for all you have sacrificed because you knew what the moral thing to do was or to make up for any mistakes my dear late friend or I have made.
“‘As King of my world and Observer to all worlds, I appreciate what you have done for us all, so much so that I doubt you could even comprehend the extremity of my gratitude.’” My body felt heavy and I transferred my weight entirely from my feet to Riku’s firm chest. I had shut my eyes awhile ago without noticing. “‘Kingdom Hearts, the beginning and end to everything in the known universe, called out to you in time of great desperation and you all responded to it. Though different these responses may have been for each of you, I know from the bottom of my heart that they were needed equally. I am proud of what you three have become.’”
I heard Kairi’s strong voice as hushed and almost incomprehensible. Riku’s heart, beating in a rhythmic echoing of the wave claps against the sand, distracted me further than I would have liked. I barely took in half of what she just said because of it. The male I was leaning against wrapped his slim arms around my waist tighter, his hand on my back moving slower than before. Moving my arm languidly to his shoulder, I could reach up and twirl his soft hair between my fingers. Even in a completely stupefied state, my mind couldn’t help but acknowledge how much I loved this. I should have been listening to Kairi… This letter was really important. It could tell me where my friends were… and I cared about them so much…
But, it was Riku; and Riku’s hair, and Riku’s chest, and Riku’s hand, and Riku’s hair-his hair was so amazing, it must be said twice-and… the intimacy I’ve craved for. Why… Why… Why couldn’t he see…?
The constant bah-bump, bah-bump, bah-bump… from his chest distracted me once again. Bah-bump. Though I had absolutely no strength left bah-bump, I managed to bury my ear deeper within the fabric of his top. Bah-bump. I could almost feel the vibrations in his chest bah-bump pushing blood throughout his body. Bah-bump. He really was alive. I gasped for breath bah-bump in light of my whimsical discovery. Riku was finally bah-bump, bah-bump safe.
Bah-bump.
Bah-bump.
Bah-
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I felt myself upright. I was standing still-No, I was pushing, the ground both firm and velvety at the same time. Pushing something… and I was sure of what it was, and that I needed to move it, but for some reason, I couldn’t name it nor could I move it. It was set in place, and even though I used all my strength, the object would not inch in any direction. My hands readjusted their position and I felt that the surface of the object was flat except for a depression. The depression was set at a right angle, so I assumed that the entire thing was probably a rectangle. This object must have been man-made. Like… a wall? But why would I try and move a wall? That didn’t make any sense.
A cry and muffled grunts came from my side, a yard or so away. There wasn’t a moment of recognition for the identity of what made the noises. I already knew, and it wasn’t important for me to actually name the source-or sources. I just had to throw the little body weight I had against this wall-like structure and get it to close. Closed? Yes, we had to close it. As if it could help, I moaned, “Hurry!” Nothing happened. We needed to do this; it was the last part of our journey! After doing this, I could return to my family, my friends, my island… She’s safe now and he… No, don’t think of him; it’s too painful.
But it’s too late. My heart jerked and I stopped pushing.-No, push! Push! It’ll make you forget!-I lost him. And it’s my fault. I gave up. After all I had been through; I let him down at the last minute. I would say it wasn’t fair, but it was. I lost faith in him for a moment and-
A hand from within the structure suddenly jutted out and gripped out around the door’s side. “Don’t you dare give up, Sora!” I knew the voice, but it had to be impossible! It couldn’t-“Sora! Come on! I can’t do this on my own!” I nodded and posed myself for the next shove. The door, as I had apparently identified it, became extremely light, and I hardly had to exert much stress at all.
Just as it was about to shut, I stepped back. Between the slit of the two closing doors, a smiling face looked out. Hair thrown a bit around but still not long enough to cover his brilliant eyes, the boy developed a visible sadness. “Take care of her,” he whispered, looking behind him to what appeared to be a world wrought with shadow. I nodded solemnly and readied myself.-Wait… This wasn’t right! No, no, no! I wanted to call out his name, but the word couldn’t form on my lips. No! Stop! He was going to be locked in! Stop!-I knew what I needed to do and I was willing to sacrifice any…
A thin hand rested on my shoulder. I reached out and grasped an elbow, gasping desperately for air. I was lying on a firm mattress and a pillow resided in my fist. I tried to make out exactly where I was, but I was too unsettled and my eyes would not focus on any one thing. I sat up and threw my legs over the side of the bed. It was dark with creeping shadows towering against all surfaces, like in that world… the abyss of eternal dusk. It was happening again… I locked him away. I abandoned him. Someone said my name, but it didn’t matter. I closed the door to his escape. His name danced on the bend of my lips and a rumbling sob pushed it over the edge.
Whoever I was holding onto embraced me. The smell of heavily perfumed shampoo alerted me to the identity of the person. I closed my eyes, taking in a deep breath of the sweet scent. “I’m sorry, Sora.” She sounded on the verge of tears, but I was not able to truly feel the depth of her simple words. “I’m so sorry.” There was nothing an apology could do; I have at least learned this much. ‘I’m sorry’ was useless. But I could not be spiteful toward Kairi for her-ignorance? misunderstanding of the situation? underestimation of the sorrow I felt? With her hand behind my head and elbows on my shoulders, she pressed my cheek into her chest. Chin resting in my hair, her exhales warmed my scalp.
“Why?”
“I should’ve been there,” she muttered hastily. My hands couldn’t keep still on the bed sheet. Where was I? In Traverse Town? But that was impossible. Traverse Town never truly existed. Once we were done with our mission, it was to be shattered and the pieces sent back to their original worlds. Did we mess up? Dread slipped into my skin and tightened my muscles. Kairi continued, “You didn’t deserve all the stress, all the pain… I can’t even begin to understand how-”
I clutched onto her dress in agony, frightening my best friend. “Stop! Stop,” I cried out, my forehead slipping to the edge of her top. “You don’t know anything! What I did to him in that one moment is enough to cancel out any good I ever did.”-“Sora? What are you talking”-“Kairi, I left Riku behind. I didn’t try to save him. Without thinking about what would happen afterwards, I sacrificed the person I cared about the most in this world, and all other worlds.”
Kairi pushed me back. “Look at me.” I shook my head with the suspicion that I would begin crying. “Look at me,” she repeated herself. My mind seemed heavy, so much so that my neck was having trouble keeping my head steady. A mere tremble of my leg threatened the delicate balance.
“I can’t do this anymore.” Her grip faltered. Just as I expected, even this subtle movement was able to tip my head off its wobbly perch. I couldn’t gather the strength to hold it up so it hung wearily, defeated. “Donald and Goofy keep telling me I have to continue. I want to help them, but I’m just so exhausted. I saved you, and I’m pretty sure sooner or later the King will return to them. They don’t really need me, right? I want to go. I want to leave. I want to sleep and never wake up. It’s just-just too much.”
She grasped my chin, making it so our eyes met. “Sora! It’s over now. You had a nightmare, Sora. Everyone you care about is okay. You saved them.”
“But Riku,” I whispered.
“He stepped out. He’s not used to sleeping with other people in the room.”
I opened my mouth to respond, but I noticed how panicked she appeared and decided against saying anything. My eyes wandered around the room we were in. Though hard to make out due to how dark it was, I would see the familiar trees and ocean from the empty doorframe. It was the old tree house the three of us had used as a secret hideout. The wood planks were a bit shabbier, there were a couple more random objects here and there, and the bed was smaller than I remembered; but there was no use doubting this was the tree house I spent so many nights in with my friends. ‘You had a nightmare, Sora…’
“Oh, no.” I blushed in humiliation, covering my mouth with my palm. She smiled softly. “I am so sorry, Kairi! Oh my freaking”- I froze.
Turning away, I moved my hand from my mouth to my forehead. Pity. Her eyes reflected the same unwanted sympathy I had already received from so many people. They all had seen my mastery of my weapon, and my ability to make effective decisions; yet, all my feats were forgotten after hearing a single sob escape my lips in the middle of the night, or seeing a slight flinch distort my face when Riku was mentioned as dead or lost to evil. Was I not allowed to be something other than a hero every now and then? And even heroes were allowed to have issues, right? In any case, I stared pointedly ahead to avoid her eyes.
We stood quiet for about ten, long minutes before she decided to talk again. “Your friends warned me about it. They said it’s been happening so long, they got used to it. Not that you do it every night but… I didn’t realize it would be like this.” I tried so hard to stop. I haven’t had one in so long. Why tonight? Why the first night back? I could only imagine if Riku had been here to hear me cry out his name. “Sora?”
“What?”
Her foot tapped aggressively against the floor. “Can I ask what you dream about?”
“You can.”
I could almost hear her rolling her eyes. “May I ask what you dream about?”
“You may.”
Her foot stopped mid-tap. “Sora, don’t be a prick.”
I fisted both my hands and put the knuckles in the curves of my sockets. “I dream about you, and Goofy and Donald, and everyone else I have met.” I fought off so many enemies, a number of them much larger than myself and a sizable amount of them single-handedly. Why did my memories terrify me more than those beasts?
“And him?”
My throat clenched. “Especially him.”
Her fingertips brushed the back of my neck. “What about us?”
“Everything. Anything I did that hurt someone else. Anything I regret doing, even if I had no other choice. Most of the time, it just ends up being about him. When it comes down to it, I messed up so many times.” I licked my lips in preparation of my confession. “I let him be swallowed by darkness just because I was jealous.”
“What?”
I was so stupid. I was so ignorant. “I was so jealous. This is going to be really rude to you, Kairi, but… I used you as a scapegoat. I always played along with what everyone said about us. You know, how cute it was that I, a little boy, spent so much time with you, a little girl. It didn’t matter to them that I spent much more time with Riku, of course. My dad would warn my mom about not leaving you and me alone for too long or she’ll end up catching us kissing. I knew he was playing around, but it upset me that he didn’t say the same things about Riku. I never said anything because it really didn’t make a difference.
“Then, one day, I don’t even know why… Remember how we carved my face and Riku’s into the cave wall? The one that Riku got mad at because we made him blushing? Well, I went there for no other reason than to look at our crude, little drawings. One second I was looking around and the next, I was holding a stone, scratching at the wall. I drew, um,” I stopped, unable to finish out of embarrassment.
“I know about the paopu you drew.” I blanched, squeezing my eyes shut. “Don’t be like that! It’s so cute! I found it awhile ago. I helped it along.” I looked at her suspiciously, but she only smirked. I decided not to ask for fear of the answer.
“Well, that really sent me overboard. I didn’t know there was a word for what I felt, or that others were like me. I just knew I shouldn’t act on my feelings. So I convinced myself that Riku loved you (and for all I know he does). It hurt me so much, and I hated knowing that you had an advantage that I could never have.”
“…That I’m a girl?”
I bit my lip. “It’s not like that. I wanted it to be okay for me to like a boy just like for you. And then I played the ‘denial card.’ I told myself I loved you and not Riku, and that we should be together. You know I love you, Kairi. But for you to be my girlfriend, not because I sincerely wanted you to be, but because I didn’t want you to be with the boy I liked, well, that’s really messed up. I made Riku my rival because it was easier for me to see him as an enemy than the guy who would never return my affections. Up until that night when I told you the truth, I was still denying my feelings. I loved Riku every moment, and I still do. Earlier, you said that you hated the fact that you didn’t know what Riku and I were doing. Well, try to imagine how I felt…”
“I don’t understand.”
“Did you hear my little rant when I woke up? That’s the kind of things that ran through my head. I honestly thought I killed him. Jiminy spent night after night convincing me that it was impossible… But I still… I was so afraid. And I was right to be! You saw how he ended up. Having to pretend he was that-that piece of trash so he could help me. Riku told me what that pig made him do…” Revolting images of large, orange-hued hands boldly running its course down my friend’s slim body gagged me. How did Riku live in that form remembering what its original owner had done to him?
Why was he so ready to do it?
I began shaking as she sighed. “You have to tell him.”
I frowned. “Tell who what?”
“Don’t hide in your hands. Look up at me.” This time, I refused outright. She uttered a complaint but continued anyway. “You need to tell Riku how you feel about him.”
“…No.”
“Come on, Sora. You can’t not tell him!”
“No.”
“He’ll figure it out soon enough.”
“No.”
“Sor-a!”
“No.”
The redhead hissed and jumped off the bed, the mattress screeching in response to her absence. Kairi flopped down on the floor in front of me. Arms that could only belong to a girl steadied Kairi from her sudden movement. With the moonlight streaming in from the doorframe, her hair glittered as the soft strands swayed. The curves of her slim body gently led the eye down her feminine shape, with the cut of her dress assisting in this task.
A squeeze to my hand caused a dry pain to shoot up my arms. “I’m not playing around.” Her voice was strikingly cool and unfamiliar. “You need to do this. It’s not just about your love life anymore. You are completely and utterly absorbed by the constant misery you set yourself up for by promising yourself you won’t let anything change between us.” Her face softened sympathetically. “Don’t you see? We can’t go back. You know of and have accepted your attraction to Riku. I know of and have accepted your attraction to Riku. Riku, well, he’s changed. He’s not our Riku anymore,” she said with a smirk, quoting the conversation we had so long ago. “And I’m not the same Kairi. And you’re not the same Sora. What’s the point of going back if the people we once knew so well don’t exist anymore?”
Her speech chilled me. (I always knew it wasn’t a good thing for her to be able to read me so clearly.) Maybe what she wanted was to hear me say that I never thought of this before, that she had lifted the wool from my eyes, that she had enlightened me and that I must flee to Riku and tell him of my undying love. I would have done so, if it had been true.
I already knew what she was telling me. I was not so foolish as to think that it would be the same. Yes, as Riku and I had said, the island was exactly as we had left it: the same trees; the same sky; the same sands. But between Kairi, Riku and I, there would be an indefinite amount of complications. I knew what I needed to do, for our trio and for my own happiness. I understood that, especially considering how delicate our friendship had become, I had to confess to Riku. It all rode on me and my actions, once again. I knew what I had to do!
But there was still a clawing feeling at the base of my throat just thinking about telling Riku how I felt about him. And there was the jittery twitching of my leg, the stutter held beneath the underside of my tongue, and the tightness in my chest. How could I make her understand the frightening hunger for his warmth? the desperation to have Riku’s sleeping body at my side to make sure he was safe? the dread of the possibility of Riku walking away from me forever? “Kairi,” I murmured, standing up, “what if he hates me when he finds out?”
She hadn’t been expecting that question. The redhead looked away, pursing her lips together. Her mouth flopped as she tried to respond with something honest and positive. Ah, Kairi, did I finally find something that you couldn’t answer? I separated our hands scornfully and she let me, getting up as well. Trying to get back her hold as my consoler, she lamely offered, “He won’t. Not to you.”
I smiled wryly. “I have no proof to show me he won’t detest my guts afterwards. You can never tell. I only hazarded to tell you because of how kindly you reacted to the whole ‘Leon is waiting for Cloud who left Leon because he doesn’t think Leon likes him back’ drama. But Riku has never met them face-to-face, and we didn’t really mention them being together to him. I can’t judge him like I did you. No one on these Islands seems on the queer side, so there’s no one I can test his reaction with. Well, I guess it’s nice to know that I’m the Islands’ token flamer.”
She turned her face away as if I had slapped her. “But, surely someone along the way…” She couldn’t even end her sentence. Her hesitance betrayed her uncertainty. Where was my Kairi, the Kairi who wouldn’t have let one question throw her off? Was she thinking the same thing all along but was too afraid to say it? “Riku would never stop being your friend for something so petty.” She didn’t understand that hate was rarely noble, did she?
“I would rather suffer unrequited love than abandonment.”
I would not tell him. I couldn’t. I could never face the possibility of him leaving me if I told him. Kairi had run out of encouraging words that would have been able to push past my fears to tell him. Instead, tears hung at the edge of her eyelids. The same anxiety that held me back was now spitefully gleeful for her pain. She was the one who had failed me when I needed her. As she covered her face with her hands and sobbed, however, I guiltily retrieved my brief contentment and hugged her. It really wasn’t her fault seeing that I was the one who had gotten her involved in my mess. I hushed her some by telling this to her, pressing my lips vaguely to the edge of her hairline.
Wanting to get away from the current conversation, I asked, “Where are Donald and Goofy?”
Through her tears, she managed to get out, “They left with King Mickey to their own world. They needed to preserve World Order or something like that and couldn’t stay any longer. They’ll return for a quick stay, but not for a while.” I embraced Kairi tighter to compensate for my growing feeling of loss. “The King said that he might be able to allow you to visit Leon and the rest, even with all the inter-worldly laws that prohibit it. He said that certain things could be overlooked for the kid who saved the universe.” She giggled. Her snuffles softened until she finally stopped.
She sighed. “Only two years have passed here, Sora. Can you imagine that? The King explained everything to our parents already, including the difference in how much time has passed for you and for them. I think they’re planning on putting us all in the same grade to make it easier for us, well, more for you two than me.” What? Two years? That would make me sixteen! And… school? The very idea of a classroom was so abstract to me now. Even my parents seemed just strangers from another lifetime.
I shook my head and separated us a bit. “Have anything else you want to tell me?”
She smiled weakly and said, “Wakka’s with Lulu, and Tidus has been crushing on this one chick.”
I felt my heart squeeze inside my chest. Disappointment in the girl I counted on for reckless inspiration still pained me, and her continued inability to give me what I wanted, no, needed was making it worse. I dropped my arms to my side and walked past her. She began to follow, but I held up my hand. “I need to be alone right now, Kairi.”
“Oh.”
“You understand?”
“Yes, of course. Do you want to meet up later?”
I considered her question for a moment before responding, “No. When the sun comes up, you can take one of the boats tied up to the dock back to the mainland. I noticed there were two. Take that one, and I’ll find Riku and share the last one with him.”
“Will you be okay?”
Sighing absently, I nonchalantly waved her question off, “Why would there be any problems? He’s my best friend.”
I exited the tree house into the brisk night.
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Chapter One of Four
Author: fallen-angel-of-repression
Editor: ifthedeadwerealive (not on LJ)
Series: Kingdom Hearts
Pairing: Riku/Sora
Genre: Romance/Drama
Word Count: 31178 (excluding epilogue)
Progress: Complete.
Notes: NC-17. Non-AU. Multi-chapter. Originally on ff, but I've finally decided to also archive my stories here.
Summary: Exhaustion edging up on the both of us, Riku placed his hand on my hip in a slightly possessive manner and I couldn't help but ask myself before falling asleep, What did I just do...
FF.net Post: www.fanfiction.net/s/4045026/1/Dream_A_Little_Dream_Of_Me (Review there if you like it~!)
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Leave All Worries Behind You
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My hand held stiff as he stared emptily at my offering. For so long, his green eyes had desperately searched for something absolute and finally, he found it willingly outstretched to him. I could only wonder how overwhelmed he must have felt.
But then again, was that not what I myself had been doing for the past three and a half years? I traveled the far corners of eternal space, hoping to find the two people who meant the most to me. One was my best friend, someone I would regard as nothing less than my sister. At times, she knew more about me than I did. (I admit it’s not such a tremendous achievement; I could be a bit oblivious. But I have to give her some credit.) Maybe she was not a sibling through blood, but definitely through our love.
I couldn’t just abandon her now.
“We’ll go together.”
The light radiating from across the black water created no shadow on this beach, or on his face. How could it when faced with the overwhelming neutrality of the surrounding world? I think I could feel it more than he could. There was nothing here. Literally nothing. This place was the root to the entire universe, and being so had stripped it. It was nothing more than an escape from what was real, what was true.
“So much for staying here to protect this realm.”
And who was that other person I spoke of? Well, let’s just say that he was one and the same with the young man sitting on the dark sand at my feet. It should also be said that he was the one I wanted to be more than a best friend, a brother, or a simple crush with. Being separated from him told me that.
“They’re waiting for us. She’s waiting.” I knew if I had my way, he would be mine. “We can’t hide forever, Riku.”
He reviewed the distill claps of the tide against his shoes before turning back to me. He nodded and whispered, “Yeah.” His palm slapped against mine and I pulled him up with the flex of my arm, holding his exhausted body close to keep him steady. A pang of guilt upset me, seeing that my healing abilities could do nothing for his pain. Riku, who was much taller than me, slipped his arm around my neck and put his weight upon my shoulders. He clutched his side and took a step toward the brightening horizon. (Dammit. Another pang. He received the most critical injuries taking direct damage to protect me.)
I went to grab his belt in order to hitch him in the direction of our destination. But for the third time that day, I misjudged how far his jeans hung from his waist, and got a handful of said pants right against his ass. I blushed, but made no effort to remove myself. I saw him smirk from the corner of my eye, ready to comment on the situation.
Blanching from the thought of what he might say, I tried to start up a conversation that completely avoided my hand and his pants. But nothing ever formulated because as the water hit my knee, I suddenly felt split. I knew I was stepping forward at a pace Riku would be comfortable with-and yet, I was falling. No air was streaming past my face. The weightlessness of flight had not consumed me. But I still knew. It wasn’t for several more steps before I began to see. My vision was torn, or rather, my vision was interpreting two different images, and my mind was overlapping them. One was of this dark realm, and the other was of a colorfully rich sunset, an ocean and island included. Wait-an island?
I gasped and turned to my companion. “Riku, can you see-?”
It was then that I lost him. Actually, I lost the entire beach. My eyes were forced close, but I could tell that the sinking feeling that had been flooding me was correct.
My breath caught, and my thoughts jumbled: Was I falling feet first? No. The air encircling me first rammed into my head and slid down my sides. My clothes licked my trembling body. Where was Riku? I couldn’t breathe. I was moving too quickly, quicker than ever before. But how much longer until I hit the end? I couldn’t tell. Where was Riku? I inhaled through my nose. Just open your eyes, I told myself. Come on. My eyes twitched. Come on, a little more…
Two suns greeted me. One was a star and the other just a reflection, but it was barely possible to tell which was which. There were two bodies of land separating the horizon from sky. One, which covered much farther than I could make out, was the station to many buildings and mountains in the distance. Together, these red-roofed buildings were a town-my town. (It was really the Destiny Islands!) The other was a small island just off the coast of the mainland. Tall, lush trees enveloped the land, covering small architectures within its heavy branches. I saw our tree house, the make-believe boat, and the big rock where Riku and I would spend hours sparing with our wooden swords. (Ha, wooden swords.) I thought I would never be able to return!
When I saw myself reaching the end to my drop, I crossed my arms and, to my dismay, closed my eyes. I spun slightly, which disoriented me once I broke through the water’s surface. The slight movements of the water coming from a source other than myself led me to the conclusion that my light-haired friend was somewhere behind me. Surprisingly, I wasn’t hurt by the crash of a thousand-foot dive. There wasn’t even a huge splash, which kind of ticked me off. And even more amazing was that when I reemerged, my hair was as I had left it: spiking a foot off my scalp in slants going every which way. Wait, I did just fall, right?
“Sora! Riku!”
My heart jerked. I searched for the source of the familiar voice. There she was, standing welcomingly on the lip of the ocean. I looked at her smiling face as she flung her hand up to wave. After a shared laugh with Riku, I fell forward, pushing off the sand floor. Although I had much practice with swimming over the span of my adventure, my movements were heavy with disbelief. The water was so clean; so refreshing.
When the water became too shallow for me to swim, I stood, barely able to do so because of my excitement. Kairi greeted me with a laugh. Beginning to run out to her, I halted with the approaching of several more figures. From behind Kairi, two blurry blobs tumbled toward me: one blue and white and the other black, yellow and green.
Together, the two shouted, “Sora!”
It was too late to brace myself once I realized what these blobs were. I was violently thrown backward with the force of my friends’ combined glomp. Two pairs of arms gripped onto me in an effort to keep me stationary. Donald’s nasally cries mixed perfectly with Goofy’s “garwsh” and “a-hyuck.” Their cheeks rubbed against mine. Before I could stop myself, I looked from the corner of my eye for Riku. He and King Mickey were embracing in the same, loving manner I was with Donald and Goofy.
As Goofy shifted his weight from my left arm to my shoulder, a prod from a sharp object in my pocket sent a jolt of remembrance through me. Easing (more like prying) my two pals off me, I turned to Kairi again. She had stepped toward our dog pile without me noticing. The tide ran over her shoes. My throat clenched impulsively at the long awaited sight of the girl. How long did I search for her, trying to rescue her, during my adventure? How many times did I crave to see her shining eyes smiling back at me? A hint of a promise spurred even more of a response. Realizing that we had been staring for quiet some time, I said exasperatedly, “We’re back.”
The redhead stuck out her hand. “You’re home.”
Quickly taking the precious memento from my pocket, I grabbed her hand with it between us. Kairi pulled me up to my feet. When I released her, the girl automatically went to examine what I gave her.
The thalassa shell charm rested in her palm. The charm was shaped like a star, with five of the shells as the points. Its legend states that a traveler equipped with it would have a safe voyage, or so she told me when she made it. Kairi lent the little star to me toward the middle of my journey. I had told her I was leaving to rescue Riku from the grips of darkness, just after I had saved her from him. I must have had shocked her. “There might not be anything you can do,” she had told me.
“I have to try,” I had replied. The cave underneath Traverse Town was so dark that Merlin needed to have torches lit constantly. They had created odd shadows against the bumpy walls.
“I know he’s your best friend, but he’s not our Riku anymore. He’s changed, and you know it. Aren’t you afraid of, you know, not being able to bring him back?” For the first time in years, I had responded with the full truth: I loved Riku in a way I probably shouldn’t, but I couldn’t stop. I needed to go and try so I knew I had done everything in my power to get him back to me. Kairi was the first person I came out to, so when she accepted me, I felt better than I had in so long.
Kairi bit her trembling lip as her fingers traced the shells. Her big, cerulean eyes blinked several times as she swallowed loudly. “I cannot,” she said shakily, “I-I cannot believe you remembered!”
The slim female squealed in a pitch no man (other than a castrato) could ever reach. Her arms flew open, and she jumped. I was slammed to the ground, again, as Kairi threw all her body weight against me. I landed with “Oof.”
Catching a whiff of her sweet, flowery shampoo, I sat cross-legged with her in my lap. She squeezed me, pressing her warm body close to my wet one. Her face buried into my shoulder, and her hands were lost in the fabric of my shirt. The redhead wasn’t crying, just breathing softly. I hugged her as everyone watched. If it had been anyone but Kairi, I may have been uncomfortable; however, with the redhead, it felt too natural to be weird.
“Man, I missed you guys,” she whispered. “When I started to remember you and Riku again, I felt so alone. My two best friends were traveling farther than I could imagine, mixed up with a whole bunch of bad guys. You could’ve been dead, and I had no way of knowing.”
“Hey! You thought that I would get myself killed? Please, Kairi, you know I’m too awe-”
Sitting up, she punched my stomach in a ha-ha-you-better-shut-up-before-you-make-an-ass-of-yourself way. A pout played on her lips. “I’m trying to be serious, and all you can do is joke.” Suddenly, a chuckle interrupted my moment with the girl. We both turned to Goofy, who was obviously trying to muffle his laughter. “What’s so funny?”
“Garwsh. Nothing’s funny, ‘cept that you expected Sora to be serious. That’s like, like asking, ah um...”
Donald finished Goofy’s sentence, “Like asking Leon to pick between a gun and a sword.”
A blush rose up to my face. “I’m serious all the time!”
“Would that be before you pretended to be a pirate, or after you wanted to meet Santa Claus?”
He did not just bring in Santa Claus! “Oh, that’s it. You just declared war, my friend!” I pounced on the wizard, thereby starting a water fight between me, Kairi, Donald and Goofy. We were mostly splashing around, although every once in a while a tackle slipped in.
It wasn’t long before my exhaustion set in. My last battle had been exhilarating because of its sheer intensity, but a person doesn’t run on pure adrenalin. The rest on the dark beach had done me good, but it wasn’t enough. Besides that it for such a short amount of time, for most of it I was being distracted by Riku’s presence and conversation. Telling Donald, Goofy and Kairi I was going to take a break, I stumbled up onto the beach, taking heed of any dips in the sand. Shaking my clothes and hair, I managed to remove some water weighing my body down. But I was still wet, which irked me to no end. Even my hair was having trouble standing up on its own. It did, of course, because it was my hair, but it was having trouble. I looked around for a place to rest. Remembering the island where Riku and I sparred, I walked to the little shack that led to the large rock.
After climbing the stairs and opening a door, I saw that someone was already sitting there. Smiling, I shut the door behind me and ran across a wooden bridge to him, though exhausted as I was. He sat on a peach-colored tree that grew sideways for the most part, with the roots and branches being the only vertical limbs. I jumped over the trunk when I reached it, leaning against the paopu tree’s plated bark. Riku acknowledged my presence with a sigh and the calm stooping of his shoulder.
His voice startled the silence around us. “Nothing’s changed, huh?”
I knew what he meant right away. The island was exactly as we had left it, with the exception of an extra rope bridge or tree house scattered among the visible branches. “Nope, nothing will.”
“What a small world,” he breathed. It was strange; we had been to dozens of unique places, experienced so many things, and met some of the oddest personalities, and yet we end up on a planet that never pro- or digresses.
“But part of one that’s much bigger.” But I think I love it this way. I couldn’t fit into any other world. I’ve been here for about an hour and I feel more welcomed than at a world I was in for weeks.
“Do you remember our raft? It was just a bunch of dinky logs tied together, but I thought it was going to grant my wish for freedom, for complete liberation!” He gestured toward the horizon with his bandaged arm.
“Riku…”
“I just had to get out there, anywhere. And when I finally did get my wish, all I wanted to do was come back here and be with you.” With a pause, he continued, “And Kairi, of course. I wanted to be with both you and Kairi. The King always encouraged me, reminding me of my true reality: hanging out with my best friends. He looked so relieved as he left to talk with the mayor and our parents.” The leg that had been supporting him swayed, with his hair not too far behind. “But, look at me. The second you guys started playing around, I walk off.”
I could hear how he hurt in his voice. I wanted to help but was afraid. I wanted to reach my hand and touch his; to bathe him with kisses and cleanse him of the last three and a half years and of his abandonment of human connections. And I needed Riku’s comfort as well; but if it were to be sent platonically, I might just be pained more. If the door from the dark realm to this one had it stayed shut, I could have stayed with him contentedly. This world allows for so much distance. Why did it open? I would have been happy to live in nothingness with Riku had not the door opened. Why couldn’t I just have stayed there with him? “Riku,” I questioned, “what do you think it was? What opened the door to the light?”
“Come on, Sora. You still haven’t figured it out?” He jumped off the tree trunk. I straightened up so we stood facing one another. Riku looked down to me as if I were a fool. He brought up his hand and tapped my shirt over my heart. “This.”
Confused, I covered my heart with my left hand. “This?” He nodded impatiently. “I don’t understand.”
The orange light of the sunset filled Riku’s face, in a way similar to how the light did in the dark realm. Still, the two were very different. Now, Riku’s features seemed warmer and more real. Even his wispy, almost white hair fell to his nose in such a way that didn’t hide his eyes in shame, only shyly concealed them from me. “Don’t give me that.” He frowned crossly, his delicate face changing in the bright light. “What’s the use of hiding it? You love Kairi, don’t you?”
“Wha-What?” I managed to get out.
I couldn’t believe he said that! Of all the people who told me I wanted her as my girlfriend (and of the same people who I corrected), Riku wasn’t supposed to be one of them. And he said it angrily, as if he didn’t want Kairi and me to be together, not that I wanted to, but... Maybe what Cloud said was true. I mean: I would be happy for the two if they did get together, but-Dammit!
I was aware that even if my feelings were so powerful, Riku didn’t have to feel the same. He could be straight, and even if he wasn’t, he did not have to romantically love me. Cloud warned me of the pain of unrequited love, especially toward a presumably heterosexual male. The blond told me of his relationship with Leon in the only conversation I ever had with him that involved more than four sentences. He could hardly stand seeing Leon with a girl, or having the brunet ask him why he wasn’t with Tifa yet. From time to time, Cloud did date other men, and the blond hinted at how extreme his promiscuousness was. But it was obvious that only worked for short amounts of time.
Although they did eventually get together with the help of the meddling Yuffie, Cloud said it was just dumb luck that Leon was bi. He expected that it was highly unlikely my “lover boy” was gay seeing how much he liked “that redhead chick.” Tactless though Cloud might have been, he was the only one honest enough to prepare me for the possibility.
“You don’t believe that do you?”
Riku shifted. “Look, it’s okay with me.”
“No! It shouldn’t be okay. She’s like my sister! You should be the last person to think there’s anything more than that.” I ran my fingers through my hair. “Since we met her, we’ve both looked over her. We made sure our friends welcomed her, if she was able to do whatever stunts we were doing, and we listened to her problems and stories and jokes. She is my closest girl friend, but not my girlfriend. That’s why I searched for her! I couldn’t just lose my best friend. I admit that sometimes I did choose to protect her over you, but I knew that you could take care of yourself. With Kairi, it’s different, you know?” I paused to catch my breath. Riku’s face was blank, so I couldn’t tell what he was making out of my ranting. “Listen. I love Kairi just as much as,” my speech slowed to halt. I breathed in and finished my comparison, “I love you.”
He blinked at me several times. His mouth twittered as if to say something, but stopped, swallowing. Riku licked his lips and muttered, “As much as you love me?” I nodded, my heart aching from the false admission. “No offense to Kairi, but do you honestly only see me as another one of your many friends?” I didn’t answer. I didn’t know how. I didn’t understand what he was asking me. “I see.” He shook his head and stiffly walked past me.
Detecting how horrible it would be to end the conversation in such a way, I pivoted and called, “Wait!” Riku stopped just steps away from me.
“What do you want, Sora?”
Shaking my head, I dragged myself over to him. I stood right behind him, my eyes trailing down from his silvery hair. I inhaled sharply. I snaked my arms around his thin waist slowly, pressing my chest to his flimsy vest. His body tensed against my arms. The teen was colder than I expected, and I held him closer because of it. We were both breathing heavily, him more than I; I must have been making him uncomfortable or something. But I needed to do this, whatever the hell this was.
My head rested on his shoulder the best it could; I was shorter than him. “Don’t be upset. That came out wrong. I love my friends, all of them. But I do love some differently than others. I grew up with the gang, and they’re familiar to me. The people I’ve met along my journey taught me so much. Donald, Goofy and I went through everything and a day together. And Kairi is Kairi. I fell in love with all of them.”
I squeezed harder around him. My lips accidentally brushed against his neck. “And me?”
I knew I was entering dangerous territory, but I couldn’t prevent it. My emotions and hormones were flaring, but I pressed them down. I did keep my mouth against his neck, even as I talked. That was too tempting to resist. “I’ve known you for longer. We have something different, deeper. I’m sorry if I hurt you when I compared what I feel for Kairi to what I feel for you.” I carefully chose my words. I was not going to lose my friendship with Riku for anything. “I need you to be here for me.” I could be a friend. “I can’t imagine not having you in my life.” I could repress my attraction. “I love you.” I would do anything as long as I didn’t lose the most important person in my life.
Quivering fingers grabbed my hands at their knuckles. His head tilted deeply, causing me to slip my face into the nape of his neck rather than the crook of it. “Sora,” he whispered. “Please, don’t say it like that. You’re making me feel like I’m constantly betraying our friendship.”
I heard the words ‘betray’ and ‘our friendship’ in the same sentence, and I impulsively reeled back, but he grasped only harder. By the severe tensing of his body within my arms it was obvious he had said too much for his own liking. I sighed, “Why?”
He didn’t answer. We stood with me embracing him from the back until my feet were tingling with numbness. I didn’t understand. These reactions were not what I was expecting, especially after the conversation with Cloud. Why couldn’t he see that I had the hots for him and then tell me, yah, I’m flattered but, nah, I don’t fly that way. This was all confusing. We were hiding so much from each other. I knew what I was keeping from him, but what could he possibly be keeping from me?
“Just tell me, Riku. What are you doing wrong? Don’t I deserve to know?”
Riku took a step forward suddenly, unbalancing me. He turned around and put his hand on my neck. I was startled by this action, uncomfortable for I did not understand what it meant. His fingers were more calloused than what I remembered them to be, but then again so were mine. His green eyes slipped closed and his head bowed forward. “Don’t worry about it. It’s my problem, not yours. It has nothing to do with you.”
With his final statement, a cold passion rose from my stomach and filled my senses. I yanked my hands with such force and suddenness that Riku did not have time to prevent my escape. I had enough of his constant avoidance, of his unreasonable insecurity, and of my aching desperation to please him. I stepped away. I should not have spent so much time imagining kissing him and caressing him and loving him, and so much time wanting to have just a single night with him but knowing one night would never be enough. If he was going to betray me, I might as well just, might as well give up hoping that one day he’ll pay attention to me. Sucking on my lower lip, I brought up my right hand, still tingling from his touch, in a clear attack.
“Hey, Sora!” I snapped my hand back to my side. His hair fell over his eyes in such a way that I couldn’t make out what he was thinking. We both searched for the source of the call, a not-so-difficult task. Kairi was running across the planks to join us on the large rock-island. I stood expectantly for her, a chill still written on my features. For a split second, I was ashamed of myself; not because of my reaction, per se, but because I knew that, hadn’t Kairi appeared, I would have slapped Riku across the cheek with an open hand. But my embarrassment quickly receded with the memory of Riku’s unprovoked cold-heartedness.
“Why are you,” I began to question her when the redhead stuck something out. “Here,” she said as she hunched forward to catch her breath. “Don’t ask me to explain because I really do not know.”
She held a bottle. At first, I didn’t notice the paper rolled up inside. When I did, the little emblem of King Mickey blared up against the cream-colored paper. “From the King,” I said, a bit confused. Kairi did not explain, only jerked her hand closer to me. Taking the offering, I quickly uncorked it and began reading. The writing on the paper was immaculate and very elegant, but legible all the same.
“‘Kairi, Riku and Sora,’” I read aloud, my eyes wandering to Kairi’s blank face before continuing. “‘The journey that has brought you to places previously unknown to even your imagination is finally drawing to a close. Each of you (and this does include you, Kairi) were thrust into dangerous conflict as nothing more than a small threesome of children, immature due only to your youth. At the time, all your experiences seemed to be nothing compared to such a tremendous task given to you. But you three-starting as this trio of pubescent adolescents with only a vague passion for adventure-were able to push past this obstacle.’ Wait, Kairi, I don’t understand.” My arm dropped a bit as I stared down the girl. “Why didn’t he just say this to our face? Where is”-“Leave her alone, Sora. She said she doesn’t know any more than we do. Just keep on reading.”
Allowing for only another second of hesitation, I shoved the speaker’s chest and snapped, “Shut up!” Kairi gaped at my roughness as Riku blinked at me. “I was not talking to you. If I was, I would have said, ‘Wait, Riku,’ not, ‘Wait, Kairi.’ I want to know why she has this letter instead of the King delivering it to us directly. Did that have anything to do with you?”
“What’s your problem, Sora?” Kairi shouted with timidity sketched into her words. “After you left, Goofy, Donald and I were playing around for a little longer. We decided to take a break. I went to see if you guys were in the cave”-Riku flinched-“and when I returned all that was left was the bottle. I knew they wouldn’t go exploring the island without us so I took it and ran straight here. Why are you acting like such a dick?”
“They weren’t there? But they wouldn’t just-No! No.” My hands wrapped tightly around Kairi’s thin biceps, the paper still in my hand wrinkling. “They wouldn’t just leave!”
I must have taken it a step too far for Riku’s comfort. One moment I was holding Kairi and the next I was pinned against the horizontal trunk of the paopu fruit tree. I struggled in his grip, screaming profanities and threats, but my exhaustion bubbled up again. And although I resolved to stop my attraction to Riku, my body responded too well to the proximity of his. “There isn’t a reason to yell.” A gentle scowl creased his forehead, but he obviously sympathized with me. Damn. Damn! How was I supposed to be angry with him when all I could think about was how gentle he was to me! Damn it. I was just so tired. I needed to rest. Just needed-My muscles involuntarily went limp. Riku enveloped me as quickly as I had begun to fall, his strength evident in the ease he presented in doing so. He shrugged my arms around his neck, his lips grazing my ear to whisper, “You can be angry at me all you want, just don’t take it out on Kairi.” Though his tone apathetic toward the fact that I indeed was upset with him, he was in the right.
I nodded, expecting for him to let me go. Instead, he turned us around so that he was up against the tree and I was using him as a nearly vertical bed. And I would have complained about it too, if he hadn’t slipped his fingers underneath my shirt to rub circles into the small of my back. Perhaps he knew I wouldn’t be able to stand on my own any more. “Continue reading, Kairi.”
Whenever the document transferred from me to the girl was a mystery to me, but in that moment I realized it was not in my fist. She didn’t sound surprised at the closeness of her two, male best friends. Riku’s fingertips against my skin distracted me from thinking any deeper than observation. “Umm, okay. So, we were ‘able to push past this obstacle. Of course, you each had your own way of dealing with it. Kairi, you were never just a vessel in which a pure heart could be carried.’” She blushed. “‘You were a constant help to your friends, giving them the hope and determination to carry on. Even as a figure said not to have a heart or soul, your other half fought for what she thought was right.
“‘Sora, there are not enough words to express how crucial your role was in preserving the worlds’ order. I could write on forever about your bravery during the multiple times you risked your life to prevent chaos of all worlds, your loyalty to the many friends made along the way, your strength to defend what was right when even your allies were against you, and your love toward your best friends; but even then I would never be able to account all the pain you must have gone through for the good of all. I never doubted that the boy I sent Donald and Goofy to meet would ever disappoint me, and you have not done so yet.’
“The next part seems a little more vague. ‘Well, Riku, we have already discussed anything to be discussed. I do not wish to reveal anything that you would rather not be said. Thank you, my friend, thank you for all you have sacrificed because you knew what the moral thing to do was or to make up for any mistakes my dear late friend or I have made.
“‘As King of my world and Observer to all worlds, I appreciate what you have done for us all, so much so that I doubt you could even comprehend the extremity of my gratitude.’” My body felt heavy and I transferred my weight entirely from my feet to Riku’s firm chest. I had shut my eyes awhile ago without noticing. “‘Kingdom Hearts, the beginning and end to everything in the known universe, called out to you in time of great desperation and you all responded to it. Though different these responses may have been for each of you, I know from the bottom of my heart that they were needed equally. I am proud of what you three have become.’”
I heard Kairi’s strong voice as hushed and almost incomprehensible. Riku’s heart, beating in a rhythmic echoing of the wave claps against the sand, distracted me further than I would have liked. I barely took in half of what she just said because of it. The male I was leaning against wrapped his slim arms around my waist tighter, his hand on my back moving slower than before. Moving my arm languidly to his shoulder, I could reach up and twirl his soft hair between my fingers. Even in a completely stupefied state, my mind couldn’t help but acknowledge how much I loved this. I should have been listening to Kairi… This letter was really important. It could tell me where my friends were… and I cared about them so much…
But, it was Riku; and Riku’s hair, and Riku’s chest, and Riku’s hand, and Riku’s hair-his hair was so amazing, it must be said twice-and… the intimacy I’ve craved for. Why… Why… Why couldn’t he see…?
The constant bah-bump, bah-bump, bah-bump… from his chest distracted me once again. Bah-bump. Though I had absolutely no strength left bah-bump, I managed to bury my ear deeper within the fabric of his top. Bah-bump. I could almost feel the vibrations in his chest bah-bump pushing blood throughout his body. Bah-bump. He really was alive. I gasped for breath bah-bump in light of my whimsical discovery. Riku was finally bah-bump, bah-bump safe.
Bah-bump.
Bah-bump.
Bah-
-ooo0oo0o0oo0ooo-
I felt myself upright. I was standing still-No, I was pushing, the ground both firm and velvety at the same time. Pushing something… and I was sure of what it was, and that I needed to move it, but for some reason, I couldn’t name it nor could I move it. It was set in place, and even though I used all my strength, the object would not inch in any direction. My hands readjusted their position and I felt that the surface of the object was flat except for a depression. The depression was set at a right angle, so I assumed that the entire thing was probably a rectangle. This object must have been man-made. Like… a wall? But why would I try and move a wall? That didn’t make any sense.
A cry and muffled grunts came from my side, a yard or so away. There wasn’t a moment of recognition for the identity of what made the noises. I already knew, and it wasn’t important for me to actually name the source-or sources. I just had to throw the little body weight I had against this wall-like structure and get it to close. Closed? Yes, we had to close it. As if it could help, I moaned, “Hurry!” Nothing happened. We needed to do this; it was the last part of our journey! After doing this, I could return to my family, my friends, my island… She’s safe now and he… No, don’t think of him; it’s too painful.
But it’s too late. My heart jerked and I stopped pushing.-No, push! Push! It’ll make you forget!-I lost him. And it’s my fault. I gave up. After all I had been through; I let him down at the last minute. I would say it wasn’t fair, but it was. I lost faith in him for a moment and-
A hand from within the structure suddenly jutted out and gripped out around the door’s side. “Don’t you dare give up, Sora!” I knew the voice, but it had to be impossible! It couldn’t-“Sora! Come on! I can’t do this on my own!” I nodded and posed myself for the next shove. The door, as I had apparently identified it, became extremely light, and I hardly had to exert much stress at all.
Just as it was about to shut, I stepped back. Between the slit of the two closing doors, a smiling face looked out. Hair thrown a bit around but still not long enough to cover his brilliant eyes, the boy developed a visible sadness. “Take care of her,” he whispered, looking behind him to what appeared to be a world wrought with shadow. I nodded solemnly and readied myself.-Wait… This wasn’t right! No, no, no! I wanted to call out his name, but the word couldn’t form on my lips. No! Stop! He was going to be locked in! Stop!-I knew what I needed to do and I was willing to sacrifice any…
A thin hand rested on my shoulder. I reached out and grasped an elbow, gasping desperately for air. I was lying on a firm mattress and a pillow resided in my fist. I tried to make out exactly where I was, but I was too unsettled and my eyes would not focus on any one thing. I sat up and threw my legs over the side of the bed. It was dark with creeping shadows towering against all surfaces, like in that world… the abyss of eternal dusk. It was happening again… I locked him away. I abandoned him. Someone said my name, but it didn’t matter. I closed the door to his escape. His name danced on the bend of my lips and a rumbling sob pushed it over the edge.
Whoever I was holding onto embraced me. The smell of heavily perfumed shampoo alerted me to the identity of the person. I closed my eyes, taking in a deep breath of the sweet scent. “I’m sorry, Sora.” She sounded on the verge of tears, but I was not able to truly feel the depth of her simple words. “I’m so sorry.” There was nothing an apology could do; I have at least learned this much. ‘I’m sorry’ was useless. But I could not be spiteful toward Kairi for her-ignorance? misunderstanding of the situation? underestimation of the sorrow I felt? With her hand behind my head and elbows on my shoulders, she pressed my cheek into her chest. Chin resting in my hair, her exhales warmed my scalp.
“Why?”
“I should’ve been there,” she muttered hastily. My hands couldn’t keep still on the bed sheet. Where was I? In Traverse Town? But that was impossible. Traverse Town never truly existed. Once we were done with our mission, it was to be shattered and the pieces sent back to their original worlds. Did we mess up? Dread slipped into my skin and tightened my muscles. Kairi continued, “You didn’t deserve all the stress, all the pain… I can’t even begin to understand how-”
I clutched onto her dress in agony, frightening my best friend. “Stop! Stop,” I cried out, my forehead slipping to the edge of her top. “You don’t know anything! What I did to him in that one moment is enough to cancel out any good I ever did.”-“Sora? What are you talking”-“Kairi, I left Riku behind. I didn’t try to save him. Without thinking about what would happen afterwards, I sacrificed the person I cared about the most in this world, and all other worlds.”
Kairi pushed me back. “Look at me.” I shook my head with the suspicion that I would begin crying. “Look at me,” she repeated herself. My mind seemed heavy, so much so that my neck was having trouble keeping my head steady. A mere tremble of my leg threatened the delicate balance.
“I can’t do this anymore.” Her grip faltered. Just as I expected, even this subtle movement was able to tip my head off its wobbly perch. I couldn’t gather the strength to hold it up so it hung wearily, defeated. “Donald and Goofy keep telling me I have to continue. I want to help them, but I’m just so exhausted. I saved you, and I’m pretty sure sooner or later the King will return to them. They don’t really need me, right? I want to go. I want to leave. I want to sleep and never wake up. It’s just-just too much.”
She grasped my chin, making it so our eyes met. “Sora! It’s over now. You had a nightmare, Sora. Everyone you care about is okay. You saved them.”
“But Riku,” I whispered.
“He stepped out. He’s not used to sleeping with other people in the room.”
I opened my mouth to respond, but I noticed how panicked she appeared and decided against saying anything. My eyes wandered around the room we were in. Though hard to make out due to how dark it was, I would see the familiar trees and ocean from the empty doorframe. It was the old tree house the three of us had used as a secret hideout. The wood planks were a bit shabbier, there were a couple more random objects here and there, and the bed was smaller than I remembered; but there was no use doubting this was the tree house I spent so many nights in with my friends. ‘You had a nightmare, Sora…’
“Oh, no.” I blushed in humiliation, covering my mouth with my palm. She smiled softly. “I am so sorry, Kairi! Oh my freaking”- I froze.
Turning away, I moved my hand from my mouth to my forehead. Pity. Her eyes reflected the same unwanted sympathy I had already received from so many people. They all had seen my mastery of my weapon, and my ability to make effective decisions; yet, all my feats were forgotten after hearing a single sob escape my lips in the middle of the night, or seeing a slight flinch distort my face when Riku was mentioned as dead or lost to evil. Was I not allowed to be something other than a hero every now and then? And even heroes were allowed to have issues, right? In any case, I stared pointedly ahead to avoid her eyes.
We stood quiet for about ten, long minutes before she decided to talk again. “Your friends warned me about it. They said it’s been happening so long, they got used to it. Not that you do it every night but… I didn’t realize it would be like this.” I tried so hard to stop. I haven’t had one in so long. Why tonight? Why the first night back? I could only imagine if Riku had been here to hear me cry out his name. “Sora?”
“What?”
Her foot tapped aggressively against the floor. “Can I ask what you dream about?”
“You can.”
I could almost hear her rolling her eyes. “May I ask what you dream about?”
“You may.”
Her foot stopped mid-tap. “Sora, don’t be a prick.”
I fisted both my hands and put the knuckles in the curves of my sockets. “I dream about you, and Goofy and Donald, and everyone else I have met.” I fought off so many enemies, a number of them much larger than myself and a sizable amount of them single-handedly. Why did my memories terrify me more than those beasts?
“And him?”
My throat clenched. “Especially him.”
Her fingertips brushed the back of my neck. “What about us?”
“Everything. Anything I did that hurt someone else. Anything I regret doing, even if I had no other choice. Most of the time, it just ends up being about him. When it comes down to it, I messed up so many times.” I licked my lips in preparation of my confession. “I let him be swallowed by darkness just because I was jealous.”
“What?”
I was so stupid. I was so ignorant. “I was so jealous. This is going to be really rude to you, Kairi, but… I used you as a scapegoat. I always played along with what everyone said about us. You know, how cute it was that I, a little boy, spent so much time with you, a little girl. It didn’t matter to them that I spent much more time with Riku, of course. My dad would warn my mom about not leaving you and me alone for too long or she’ll end up catching us kissing. I knew he was playing around, but it upset me that he didn’t say the same things about Riku. I never said anything because it really didn’t make a difference.
“Then, one day, I don’t even know why… Remember how we carved my face and Riku’s into the cave wall? The one that Riku got mad at because we made him blushing? Well, I went there for no other reason than to look at our crude, little drawings. One second I was looking around and the next, I was holding a stone, scratching at the wall. I drew, um,” I stopped, unable to finish out of embarrassment.
“I know about the paopu you drew.” I blanched, squeezing my eyes shut. “Don’t be like that! It’s so cute! I found it awhile ago. I helped it along.” I looked at her suspiciously, but she only smirked. I decided not to ask for fear of the answer.
“Well, that really sent me overboard. I didn’t know there was a word for what I felt, or that others were like me. I just knew I shouldn’t act on my feelings. So I convinced myself that Riku loved you (and for all I know he does). It hurt me so much, and I hated knowing that you had an advantage that I could never have.”
“…That I’m a girl?”
I bit my lip. “It’s not like that. I wanted it to be okay for me to like a boy just like for you. And then I played the ‘denial card.’ I told myself I loved you and not Riku, and that we should be together. You know I love you, Kairi. But for you to be my girlfriend, not because I sincerely wanted you to be, but because I didn’t want you to be with the boy I liked, well, that’s really messed up. I made Riku my rival because it was easier for me to see him as an enemy than the guy who would never return my affections. Up until that night when I told you the truth, I was still denying my feelings. I loved Riku every moment, and I still do. Earlier, you said that you hated the fact that you didn’t know what Riku and I were doing. Well, try to imagine how I felt…”
“I don’t understand.”
“Did you hear my little rant when I woke up? That’s the kind of things that ran through my head. I honestly thought I killed him. Jiminy spent night after night convincing me that it was impossible… But I still… I was so afraid. And I was right to be! You saw how he ended up. Having to pretend he was that-that piece of trash so he could help me. Riku told me what that pig made him do…” Revolting images of large, orange-hued hands boldly running its course down my friend’s slim body gagged me. How did Riku live in that form remembering what its original owner had done to him?
Why was he so ready to do it?
I began shaking as she sighed. “You have to tell him.”
I frowned. “Tell who what?”
“Don’t hide in your hands. Look up at me.” This time, I refused outright. She uttered a complaint but continued anyway. “You need to tell Riku how you feel about him.”
“…No.”
“Come on, Sora. You can’t not tell him!”
“No.”
“He’ll figure it out soon enough.”
“No.”
“Sor-a!”
“No.”
The redhead hissed and jumped off the bed, the mattress screeching in response to her absence. Kairi flopped down on the floor in front of me. Arms that could only belong to a girl steadied Kairi from her sudden movement. With the moonlight streaming in from the doorframe, her hair glittered as the soft strands swayed. The curves of her slim body gently led the eye down her feminine shape, with the cut of her dress assisting in this task.
A squeeze to my hand caused a dry pain to shoot up my arms. “I’m not playing around.” Her voice was strikingly cool and unfamiliar. “You need to do this. It’s not just about your love life anymore. You are completely and utterly absorbed by the constant misery you set yourself up for by promising yourself you won’t let anything change between us.” Her face softened sympathetically. “Don’t you see? We can’t go back. You know of and have accepted your attraction to Riku. I know of and have accepted your attraction to Riku. Riku, well, he’s changed. He’s not our Riku anymore,” she said with a smirk, quoting the conversation we had so long ago. “And I’m not the same Kairi. And you’re not the same Sora. What’s the point of going back if the people we once knew so well don’t exist anymore?”
Her speech chilled me. (I always knew it wasn’t a good thing for her to be able to read me so clearly.) Maybe what she wanted was to hear me say that I never thought of this before, that she had lifted the wool from my eyes, that she had enlightened me and that I must flee to Riku and tell him of my undying love. I would have done so, if it had been true.
I already knew what she was telling me. I was not so foolish as to think that it would be the same. Yes, as Riku and I had said, the island was exactly as we had left it: the same trees; the same sky; the same sands. But between Kairi, Riku and I, there would be an indefinite amount of complications. I knew what I needed to do, for our trio and for my own happiness. I understood that, especially considering how delicate our friendship had become, I had to confess to Riku. It all rode on me and my actions, once again. I knew what I had to do!
But there was still a clawing feeling at the base of my throat just thinking about telling Riku how I felt about him. And there was the jittery twitching of my leg, the stutter held beneath the underside of my tongue, and the tightness in my chest. How could I make her understand the frightening hunger for his warmth? the desperation to have Riku’s sleeping body at my side to make sure he was safe? the dread of the possibility of Riku walking away from me forever? “Kairi,” I murmured, standing up, “what if he hates me when he finds out?”
She hadn’t been expecting that question. The redhead looked away, pursing her lips together. Her mouth flopped as she tried to respond with something honest and positive. Ah, Kairi, did I finally find something that you couldn’t answer? I separated our hands scornfully and she let me, getting up as well. Trying to get back her hold as my consoler, she lamely offered, “He won’t. Not to you.”
I smiled wryly. “I have no proof to show me he won’t detest my guts afterwards. You can never tell. I only hazarded to tell you because of how kindly you reacted to the whole ‘Leon is waiting for Cloud who left Leon because he doesn’t think Leon likes him back’ drama. But Riku has never met them face-to-face, and we didn’t really mention them being together to him. I can’t judge him like I did you. No one on these Islands seems on the queer side, so there’s no one I can test his reaction with. Well, I guess it’s nice to know that I’m the Islands’ token flamer.”
She turned her face away as if I had slapped her. “But, surely someone along the way…” She couldn’t even end her sentence. Her hesitance betrayed her uncertainty. Where was my Kairi, the Kairi who wouldn’t have let one question throw her off? Was she thinking the same thing all along but was too afraid to say it? “Riku would never stop being your friend for something so petty.” She didn’t understand that hate was rarely noble, did she?
“I would rather suffer unrequited love than abandonment.”
I would not tell him. I couldn’t. I could never face the possibility of him leaving me if I told him. Kairi had run out of encouraging words that would have been able to push past my fears to tell him. Instead, tears hung at the edge of her eyelids. The same anxiety that held me back was now spitefully gleeful for her pain. She was the one who had failed me when I needed her. As she covered her face with her hands and sobbed, however, I guiltily retrieved my brief contentment and hugged her. It really wasn’t her fault seeing that I was the one who had gotten her involved in my mess. I hushed her some by telling this to her, pressing my lips vaguely to the edge of her hairline.
Wanting to get away from the current conversation, I asked, “Where are Donald and Goofy?”
Through her tears, she managed to get out, “They left with King Mickey to their own world. They needed to preserve World Order or something like that and couldn’t stay any longer. They’ll return for a quick stay, but not for a while.” I embraced Kairi tighter to compensate for my growing feeling of loss. “The King said that he might be able to allow you to visit Leon and the rest, even with all the inter-worldly laws that prohibit it. He said that certain things could be overlooked for the kid who saved the universe.” She giggled. Her snuffles softened until she finally stopped.
She sighed. “Only two years have passed here, Sora. Can you imagine that? The King explained everything to our parents already, including the difference in how much time has passed for you and for them. I think they’re planning on putting us all in the same grade to make it easier for us, well, more for you two than me.” What? Two years? That would make me sixteen! And… school? The very idea of a classroom was so abstract to me now. Even my parents seemed just strangers from another lifetime.
I shook my head and separated us a bit. “Have anything else you want to tell me?”
She smiled weakly and said, “Wakka’s with Lulu, and Tidus has been crushing on this one chick.”
I felt my heart squeeze inside my chest. Disappointment in the girl I counted on for reckless inspiration still pained me, and her continued inability to give me what I wanted, no, needed was making it worse. I dropped my arms to my side and walked past her. She began to follow, but I held up my hand. “I need to be alone right now, Kairi.”
“Oh.”
“You understand?”
“Yes, of course. Do you want to meet up later?”
I considered her question for a moment before responding, “No. When the sun comes up, you can take one of the boats tied up to the dock back to the mainland. I noticed there were two. Take that one, and I’ll find Riku and share the last one with him.”
“Will you be okay?”
Sighing absently, I nonchalantly waved her question off, “Why would there be any problems? He’s my best friend.”
I exited the tree house into the brisk night.
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