[Fiction] Dream A Little Dream Of Me
Dream A Little Dream Of Me
Chapter Three of Four
Author: fallen-angel-of-repression
Editor: ifthedeadwerealive (not on LJ)
Series: Kingdom Hearts
Pairing: Riku/Sora
Genre: Romance/Drama
Word Count: 31178 (excluding epilogue)
Progress: Complete.
Notes: NC-17. Non-AU. Multi-chapter. Originally on ff, but I've finally decided to also archive my stories here.
Summary: Exhaustion edging up on the both of us, Riku placed his hand on my hip in a slightly possessive manner and I couldn't help but ask myself before falling asleep, What did I just do...
FF.net Post: www.fanfiction.net/s/4045026/3/Dream_A_Little_Dream_Of_Me (Review there if you like it~!)
Disclaimer: I do not own the Kingdom Hearts franchise or any characters or events that align with those of the series, and do not claim to do so. I also do not claim to own any copyrighted items, any items not copyrighted but still owned by another party, any real locations I may mention, or crossed-over characters I may incorporate. The title to this fiction and its chapters are taken from a Louis Armstrong song’s lyrics by the same name, which I also do not own. I do own this story, the plot, and any original characters or locations I create.
-ooo0oo0o0oo0ooo-ooo0oo0o0oo0ooo-ooo0oo0o0oo0ooo-
Stars Fading but I Linger on You
-ooo0oo0o0oo0ooo-ooo0oo0o0oo0ooo-ooo0oo0o0oo0ooo-
It’s always the smell of the water that made me wish I told Riku that I was busy and was unable to spend an extra hour after school waiting for him. Although homework could be done sitting on the uncomfortable, wooden benches at the side of the indoor pool, I never could finish a single set of math problems. The smell was so pungent that the numbers, theorems, radicals and circles on the page became foggy and twisted. Even if I never touched the water, the stench of a pool stayed with me for a full thirty minutes after I left its vicinity. Gross.
But every time Riku asked, I honestly answered that I would love to accompany him. Riku truly appreciated any time I spent with him and I did as well, so gagging on the disgusting stench of chlorine was always worth it in the end.
Besides, when else could I see Riku in his swimming uniform? At meets? Yeah, like I was going to wait for one of those to come around. (Okay, so he wore a top with sleeves reached down to his wrist… but they were skintight. And the “trunks” were nothing more than a Speedo with a bit more material. It’s quite a wonderful sight, if I do say so myself.)
So, instead of using my precious time productively to study the two years of schooling I still had to catch up on, my books were forgotten as I watched Riku swim back and forth again and again and again. His timing was absolutely amazing and his strokes beautiful. He was already one of the best in his sport that the school had ever had. Having been to a small competition with our sister school from a neighboring island, Besaid, I learned that Riku was also fan favorite. He even had some of the Besaid girls rooting for him.
He was that good.
I followed his movements as he reached the shallow end of the pool. When he reached the edge, I expected him to turn around and start a new lap. However, he lingered and I saw him stand up. He pushed himself up and sat on the edge. Still hearing splashing, I realized then that there were two women in the pool. How long have they been here?
Riku walked over to me without even bothering to shake out some of the water soaking him. Before he could get too close, I waggled my finger threateningly, “If you dare wet me like last time, you’re dead.”
He laughed, raising his hands in defeat. “You caught me.”
I shook my head, tossing him his towel. “I think you’re getting better,” I said offhandedly, gathering my stuff as he wiped his face.
“Really?” We began walking toward the men’s locker room.
“Yup.”
He laughed again. “Wakka and Tidus are jealous as is. If I plan to live until I’m eighteen, I probably should start getting worse, not better.”
I inwardly shook my head at his comment. According to the time that existed for only him and me, Riku would have already turned nineteen. Our parents, the mayor (the man who took Kairi in years ago), and the school officials decided it would be easier for us if Riku and I… forgot about the difference in years. The two of us never talked about it. Instead, the whole age thing was addressed only through jokes.
“Funny. But you have to remember that it’s not your fault you’re better than them.” Although we both recognized how cruel I may have sounded, it was universally understood that since Tidus and Wakka were our friends, we could say anything we wanted to behind their back. We weren’t being malicious; just honest.
“I know. But you have to feel a little bad. They’ve been on the team since last year and are only chosen to swim in a race when one of the seniors is sick. I’ve been on it for three months and the coach is planning to put me in every competitive event he possibly can.”
“I guess.” We stopped in front of the locker rooms. Looking in, I groaned. I was just as disgusted with them as I was with pool water. “You know what? I think I’m going wait for you in the lobby.” He nodded before entering the room. I remained for a second before leaving the pool area and climbing up a flight of stairs to the school’s lobby. I sat down in an alcove, still not bothering to crack open a book.
On top of the mandatory catching up we had left after spending the entire summer studying, Riku and I were both on sports teams. During P.E., the gym teacher realized how athletic we had become and convinced the principle to force us into the school’s competitive teams. (We couldn’t say no, seeing that the school had been so helpful and it hadn’t won at any sporting event in years.)
With my jump so high, run so quick and strides so long it sometimes seemed like I was gliding, track was a no-brainer for me.
Riku, on the other hand, had gotten sick of running over the course of his adventure and would do anything to avoid it. He wasn’t built big enough for football, and he sucked at baseball, basketball and volleyball. Wrestling and fencing had too many rules for someone who had learned hand-to-hand combat and sword-fighting the way we did. There was too much running in soccer, and tennis… he didn’t want to. He claimed that there were only freaks on the school tennis team and being around them would drive him nuts.
In the end, I knew what he really wanted to do, and that was swimming. However, the skimpy trunks that made up the official uniform covered only so much; his entire back, chest and arms would be exposed, which he was extremely uncomfortable with. I was with Riku as he explained his situation to the swim coach. She said she would allow Riku to wear a sort of tank top, one that would have a small effect on his swimming but at least offered some coverage. He held up his bandaged left arm at that point, saying that a tank top would do little for him. Riku promised that whatever the cost of wearing a long-sleeved top would be, he would take it. The coach was compassionate and, against regulation, let him wear what he wanted. That’s partly why he had to practice so hard, to make up for the shirt.
I sighed.
Life had become so overwhelming. I had to practice and study obsessively, while still having some time to enjoy being a teenager. The whole ‘hanging out with friends’ thing was actually the most difficult to get used to. Life had become too peaceful, too safe… so much so that it sometimes scared me. If I didn’t have the pressure of the courses I still had to study for and of shaving another few seconds off my average run, I don’t know what I would do.
On the few days that I had extra time and not enough of my friends were willing to hang out, I would call Riku and ask him if we could meet up. He always would. We actually didn’t do anything more interesting than if we had been alone ever since sparring was deemed unwise for us to do. (The one time we did, our parents were frantic about just how badly we had beaten each other up. Good times.) But I still loved his company. It was always… nice. We would just play videogames, watch a movie, or help each other study. When the mood was right, we would just lean up each other quietly reading-or pretending to read-a book. Oftentimes, we discussed some of our most memorable battles with great nostalgia and complained about how an adventure was five percent sleeping, nine percent fighting, nine percent talking, and seventy-seven percent walking. He really was a great best friend.
I still dreamt about him, and I still desired him; but it was different now. Having him around subdued my desperation. I remembered that single night we spent together and wished for another, but the loneliness I had felt prior to our reunion was lost. My feelings for him had changed, I’ll admit. It was hard to explain just how or why. They just were. I still loved him with all my heart and I wanted to be with him just as much-
“Are you ready, Sora?”
I jumped at Riku’s voice, feeling a bit self-conscious. Used to being interrupted during my thoughts, I held out my hand without any obvious sign that I was troubled. Riku helped me up, muttering how lazy I was. He already had his jacket on, so we stood by the entrance until I had mine on. “What did you say? I didn’t quite hear that.”
He looked over at me smugly. “I said that you’re ugly.”
Knowing just where this conversation was going, I decided to be compliant and play along. I held my chest in mock hurt, pushing the door open for us. The end of autumn air nipped at my nose the second it touched my skin. “What! How dare you! How cruel of you to say after I spent an hour and a half this morning getting myself all pretty for you. Is this how you repay me?” We turned right, in the direction of our houses.
My companion rolled his eyes. “I can’t believe I’m friends with such a freak.”
“You should be used to it by now.”
Riku pushed me half-way into the street. “You forced your friendship onto me.”
Making a face, I steadied myself and retaliated by punching his arm, lightly, of course. “And how did I do that?”
“You moved in next door.”
“I was two.”
“Doesn’t change the fact that you moved in next door to me.”
“You moved into your house just four months before we came!”
“Meaning I was there first. And for four marvelous months, I didn’t have to have a Sora to constantly nag me.”
I ran my hand through my hair. “Fine. Be that way. If I knew what a bother you would become, I would have gotten someone else to be my best friend.”
Riku slung his eternally bandaged arm around my shoulder, pressing his weight down onto me. I could smell the cleanliness of his body. Riku always took the time to make sure he washed away any trace of the pool water so I wouldn’t have to suffer standing next to him. He always noticed the littlest things. “You don’t mean that.”
I squirmed slightly as his breath curled around my ear. It still made me antsy to have to him so close to me, despite the months I had to have gotten used to it. Staring ahead, I tried to control the possible blush that wanted to creep up my face. He continued to exhale hot air into the side of my face as he waited for a response. “Get off of me, you pasty gorilla.”
He gasped exaggeratedly, copying my mannerisms from just moments before. “I’m pasty now? I’m hurt, Sora. Hurt. How could you be so cruel as to make fun of my naturally pale complexion?” Something about the absurdity of him saying this made it sound five times more vindictive than when I did it. “And to top it off, you call me a gorilla. It’s not my fault that I’m twice as tall as you.”
“Shut up! You’re only a couple inches taller than me.”
“Oh, yes, you had that massive growth spurt during the summer. Well, at least you’re noticeably taller than Kairi now, finally, even without counting the hair.”
“I’m going to kick you.”
He pulled in closer. “And now you’re threatening violence on me. What would your mother say hearing such vulgarity from your mouth?”
“She would cheer me on as I beat you to a bloody pulp.”
“Is that a challenge I hear?”
“Yup, and I have no doubt that I will win. I’ll always win.” He snickered at my declaration but said nothing more on the subject, finally dropping his arm from my shoulder.
The rest of the walk was a bit mellower. We talked about the social studies test the following week and about how lazy some of our teammates, who had stopped practicing because the weather was getting chilly, were. We took our time because we didn’t have homework due the next day, a special and rare treat. Riku came up to my front door, waiting for me to get inside before crossing the lawn to his house.
I heard some movement in the kitchen as well as the blaring television in the living room. Knowing that my mother worked today, the person in the kitchen must have been my father. And knowing that my father hated it when I went into the kitchen as he was cooking (he’s a bit of a freak), I went straight into the living room.
A petite, two-year old brunet was positioned about a foot away from the television. Shaking my head, I said, “You shouldn’t sit so close to the TV, Shelinda.”
Shelinda swung around in a burst of energy. “Sora’s home! Daddy, Sora’s home!” The little girl previously sitting cross-legged on the floor scrambled over to me, jumping on me the second she was near enough. I easily lifted her. She giggled and instantly began wiggling in an attempt to escape.
“How’s your day, kiddo?”
The girl pouted, continuing to struggle against my grip. “No!”
“No?” She shook her head, repeating herself. “Really?”
I straightened my arms, holding her away from me. I slowly swung her side to side. Shelinda squeaked, rolling her small body into a ball. She was still light enough for me to hold her like this, thankfully. This was all I knew how to do with a child her age.
“You’ve been home for thirty seconds and you’re already bothering your sister. Is this what happens when I turn my back for just a moment?”
I rolled my eyes and put Shelinda down. She complained, but I would rather not tempt the dark-haired man who had walked into the living room with further opportunities of ridicule. My father, who seemed like a pretty ordinary guy judging by his plain looks, was really random-actually, he was just eccentric. My mother said I was just like him. I said that Riku’s little spurts of viciousness perfectly matched my father’s… but that’s just me.
I couldn’t remember if he always acted like this, or whether he and my mother always worked alternatively, or if my father had ever cooked when I was young. And I certainly didn’t have a sister when I left the island. Though it may seem like a handful of changes, these were but a few of the many things I had to get used to. Did I mention that there was a new mall? A mall on Destiny Islands! It’s sick.
“Hey, Dad,” I said. Shelinda, seeing that she wouldn’t be picked up again, turned around and went back to watching the television, this time with a reasonable distance from the set.
“Dinner will be ready soon, so I suggest waiting here until it’s done. Mom’s going to be coming home late, but she said we can start without her.” Translation: Sit down because I don’t want you falling asleep on me, again. Your mother said that she will be late, but I’m hungry now, so let’s eat.
“Okay.” I sat down on the couch, dropping my bag beside my feet.
Finally looking at the television, I realized my sister was watching some cheesy, animated children’s movie. The princess-because in these movies there is always a princess-was singing about how some handsome prince-because we’re all politically correct here and a princess can’t possibly want a princess-was going to save her from the evil curse set upon her. After the adventure was done, she prophesized, they would marry.
Shelinda loved it all. She loved the hidden beauty behind the princess’ plain looks, knowing that when she met the prince, everything would change, that she would become gorgeous. She loved how idealized the artists had depicted the prince, with his air-blown, shining-in-the-sun blond hair. She loved the unoriginal plot that only supplied obstacles that the prince could easily overcome.
She loved the overly confident nature of the woman’s song, how the princess seemed to know what was waiting for her.
She loved the fact that there was only the one, unjustifiable evil holding the two lovers apart.
She loved how much the princess loved the prince.
And above all else, she loved knowing that the prince loved the princess back.
“Sora, son, are you alright?” My eyes snapped back into focus. My father stood in front of me with a phone in hand, worry spread across his face. The princess had stopped singing, and it looked like the plot was finally beginning to advance with a speech from the villain.
I pressed my palm to my forehead. “Oh, sorry there. I was drifting off again, wasn’t I?”
My father frowned. “Sora.”
I hated making my parents worry, especially my father. He was hypersensitive to this kind of stuff. My eyes glanced back to the object he held. “Who’s on the phone?”
“Kairi, but that’s not the point, Sora,” he answered, slightly disgruntled. “We both know you weren’t just ‘drifting off.’ You can’t keep everything bottled up like this. You may think we won’t understand, but you have to at least let us try,” he started. I knew what was coming, and I knew that there was a chance that Kairi could hear.
Trying my best not to offend my father, I took the phone and stood up. He made a face and opened his lips. I didn’t need a confrontation now, not in front of Shelinda and not with Kairi on the line. I held the phone to my ear and could hear music playing softly in the background. Not looking at my father, I sheepishly said, “I’ll just take this upstairs. I’ll come down when I’m done, ‘kay?”
Without waiting for a response, I scampered up to my room, locking the door behind me. I sighed, dropping down on my bed. “Kairi?” There was still plenty of light outside, so I could clearly see the play island. I could also see several boats docked there, meaning that some of my friends decided to use the fact that we didn’t have homework to their advantage.
“Hey. Look, I’m sorry if I started something between you and your dad. If I knew, I wouldn’t have…” Kairi rambled. I rolled my eyes, kicking my shoes off.
“It’s fine, Kairi. You weren’t the one spacing out.”
“I guess.”
“Well, what do you want?”
“Ehh,” She whined. “No homework mean boring night. Me no want boredom. Boredom eat mind of Kairi.”
“Does no homework also mean horrible sentence structure?”
Grunt.
“I see. That would be bad. So what do you propose we do?”
“I don’t know. We could call Riku and hang out.”
“Uncreative plan, but a plan. Who’s calling him?”
“You are.”
“Fine. I’ll call you back in a few.”
“Bye.”
She hung up, and without a pause I dialed Riku’s home number. I swung my feet back and forth as monotonous beeps came from the phone. This was routine for us. One person was bored, called someone, and then the second person usually was the one to call the third.
“Hello,” I heard a feminine voice say. Riku’s mom.
“Good afternoon, ma’am. May I speak to Riku?”
“Oh, dear.” The unusual hesitation in her voice alarmed me.
“Is there something wrong?”
“No, of course not. Riku just isn’t here right now. He went out with a friend.”
A friend? “That’s odd. He usually calls me before leaving, especially when he knows I have nothing to do,” I thought aloud. “Whatever the case, thank you for telling me. I’m going to try his cell.”
I had barely finished my sentence when her voice cut through the line, “Don’t.”
I sat up slowly, almost hearing the woman’s regret at her interjection. “Excuse me?”
Riku’s mother mumbled something to herself for a moment until she finally answered. “You know that you mean very much to me. I love you as much as I do my own son. And I know your parents feel the same about Riku. We care about you both, and would never choose to do anything to upset your friendship. So please, as a favor to me, don’t call my son.”
Something about this just didn’t seem… right. “I’m sorry, but I don’t understand what you’re trying to tell me.
What is Riku doing that would put our friendship in danger?”
“Please, dear. This does not concern you.”
I cringed at her cold response. Where have I heard that before? “But it does. I’m his best friend,” I spat. “I want to know.”
“Sora, there comes a time when you just have to accept what’s given to you. I think I told you enough.”
“But it’s not enough!” I was going to hate myself later for letting my temper flare up like this. “He’s hiding something from me again, isn’t he? Doesn’t he understand that I hate being left in the dark like this? I can’t stand not knowing what’s going on with him. I had to worry about him for three and half years, not being sure if he was alive or not, just to have him keep all these secrets from me!” My voice was breaking. “How is that fair? How?”
She didn’t respond immediately. I tried to regulate my breathing so that I didn’t sound so pissed off, but it was nearly impossible. Why was this so difficult? It wasn’t like anything I told Riku’s mom wasn’t true, but it wasn’t right to take it out on his mother like that.
“Hello? Have you calmed down yet?”
I put my face in my palm, muttering, “Yes.”
“Okay,” she paused and inhaled deeply. “I am sorry for talking down to you before. It was wrong of me. I forget that, like Riku, you are not only older, but also much more mature, than you look. I should never have spoken to you like you’re a child. I have to keep reminding myself that you are an adult, and not that little boy who used to come over every Saturday morning to watch cartoons with Riku.” I tried to thank her, but she continued without a break. “I should respect you, and expect as much out of you, as I would an adult. And because of this, I shouldn’t feel the need to hold things back from you. You are old enough to react as you wish. And you do deserve to know what’s going on with your best friend. You have been through enough. (Oh, dear, this is harder than I thought it would be.) I won’t try to sugarcoat it, because I know that’s not what you want.”
She stopped again, and I took the chance to input my own opinion. “I-I don’t want you to feel obligated to do anything for me. I shouldn’t have blown up at you.”
“No, Sora. You shouldn’t have to feel guilty when you’re concerned about a friend. I simply won’t allow it,” she said, inhaling once again to prepare herself for what she was about to say. “Over the summer, Riku began seeing someone.”-No.-“Even before the school suggested that he join the swimming team, Riku often went to the pool to practice. He was always such a good swimmer. Well, from what I can make out of it, that was where he met… where Riku met him.”
No.
“Him?”
My eyes lost all focus. My phone was pressed up against my ear, sweat building up around where the plastic touched my skin. She continued, unaware of the pain she was causing me with her use of a single pronoun.
No.
I couldn’t breathe.
No.
He… couldn’t have.
Oh, please, no.
It took several moments for me to force my attention back to her. “…you. So don’t judge him, Sora. Please, of all things, you must not judge him on that. He’s so afraid of what you’ll say; what you’ll do to him when you find out. I’m only telling you because I think you can handle yourself maturely. A-Sora, are you there?”
Licking my lips, I responded, “Yeah, I’m still here. So Riku met a-a boy there? The boy he’s with… now?”
“Yes. I found out part way through September. Your King Mickey told me it was nearly impossible to restrain Riku’s freedom like a parent should with their child. Riku was used to extreme independence, and it was too late to change him. So, I didn’t question my son when he left late, or when he spent the entire night out. But eventually I became concerned. It was one thing to raise a child with a lot of freedom, and another thing entirely to raise a reckless party animal. So, I sat him down and asked him what he had been doing, and he told me. He had been going out with a boy who was visiting the island for the summer. Luzzu (I think that was his name) is on the Besaid Aurochs, that team Riku once raced against. Riku said he liked the boy and whenever he went off, he was with Luzzu. I met him once. Sweet boy.”
“You-you said that he didn’t come home some nights. He was with Luzzu even then?”
I heard her pitying sigh through the phone. “Look, Sora. Although you may not, I understand that Riku is mature enough to make his own decisions. From what that King fellow of yours said to my husband and I, we did expect Riku to develop physical relationships. We were shocked it was so soon, and we were expecting him to be with a girl… but after everything, Riku is still Riku. We have accepted him. And I ask, and hope, for you to do the same, Sora.”
I closed my eyes, praying that my voice held even. “I understand.”
“I won’t tell Riku about this. If you want, you can approach him later, but please, remember what I said. I don’t want him hurt. He doesn’t deserve any more pain than what he has already gone through.”
“Okay.”
“Sora, you sound so upset. Maybe-maybe you should talk about this with Riku as soon as possible. I could call you when he comes back.”
“And if he doesn’t return tonight?”
She paused. “Do you want to come over and talk more about this, Sora? You really do sound upset.”
“No, thank you. I actually have to go. Dinner is almost ready and I still need to… help out and stuff. I’ll talk to Riku tomorrow.”
“I see. Well, see you soon, Sora. I really do hope this all works out.”
“Bye.”
“Goodbye.”
I hung up on the woman. For a moment, I was as still as the phone in my hands. My toes prickling from numbness, a sharp jab to my heart caused my breathing to become erratic. Emotion washed over me, but I managed bite back my tears. I could have my father catch me spacing out, but crying? The light from the window suddenly became too bright. I reached over and yanked the midnight blue drapes closed. How could this be? How could Riku have some stranger be his… lover after what we had been through? Maybe he kept this Luzzu a secret because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings. But-Ring!
I jumped at having the phone-Ring!-now in my lap go off so suddenly. I guessed-Ring!-that it was Kairi, and decided that it was best-Ring!-to answer than have my father pick up the other line-Ring! “Hello?”
“Are you honestly still talking to Riku? You guys are ridiculous. So, where are we meeting, or did you not get to that part during your brilliant conversation?”
I pushed my hand through my hair, hoping I could keep my voice steady for just a couple of moments. “About that: According to his mom, Riku’s with a friend from a rival swim team, so he can’t come.”
“You serious? Doesn’t he know any better than to hang out with friends other than us? Whatever, that just means more fun for me and you. What can we do that is so amazing Riku will be jealous of how much fun we had without him?”
“You know what? I am just not in the mood anymore. Between studying and running, I haven’t been having much family time these days, and Shelinda needs her older brother.”
“Uh, you’re such a liar. You spend plenty of time with that adorable, little girl. But I get the point. Sora wants more bonding time with his sister. I get it, I get it. I guess I’ll go find something to do, by myself, without my friends. You suck.”
“See you tomorrow, Kairi.”
“Tomorrow, then. Love you.” She hung up.
I waited a few minutes before putting the phone down next to me. A deep sense of rejection devoured me as I thought of Riku. He was willing to go to Besaid (a 35-minute ride by boat) to see a boy-No, not a boy, his boyfriend. Riku must have realized that I was not up to his standards, so he went elsewhere.
But he wouldn’t do that to me! There wasn’t enough time between when Riku would have gotten with this other boy… and the night I spent with him. He wouldn’t go behind my back knowing I loved him. No, that’s definitely something he would never do to me. He cared about me too much. Riku would have told me something; anything. I’m his best friend. I slept with him. He would have told me.
But his mother wouldn’t lie about something so important.
I could do little to suppress the pain in my heart, and even less to reign in my insecurity. I mean, I didn’t even need to see the guy to know that Luzzu was extremely attractive and probably as lean and tall as most swimmers are. He wasn’t a klutz, or an idiot, or an annoying tag-along. When they were alone, Luzzu was sensual and sexual and passionate and experienced…
Of course Riku would want someone like him. Riku needed someone who wasn’t as broken as I was. Someone who didn’t remind him of all the wrong he had done and had done to him. I… I…
Everything around me suddenly felt empty and disconnected. The toys I left behind years ago, the miniature boat hanging over my bed, the multi-colored photo frames encasing memories that I could either no longer remember or care about… all seemed more surreal than they had ever before. I had been ignoring my room for months, just going in it to talk on the phone or sleep. I didn’t even use my computer anymore; I went to the living room to type up homework with the oldest computer in the house. It wasn’t my room anymore. This wasn’t my life. This was the life of a boy who never had the fate of everything he held dear in his hands, who never had to sacrifice everything, who never had the friends whom he trusted with his very soul abandon him, who never felt like his world was slowly disappearing with every step he took. This was the life of a boy who never had killed, never experienced true gore, and who never thought about suicide.
The serenity of this world caged me. I had no mobility, no freedom. For the last few months, Kairi and Riku were the only things holding me to this world, this reality, this life. I would never have been able to cope without them. We avoided talking about the overwhelming feeling of insignificance Riku and I felt, but when we did, it was obvious I was taking the whole “reintegrating into the community” harder than the other two. Not counting the first year or so when our world had ceased to exist, Kairi was gone for a couple of months, if even that. Riku had thrived in his memories throughout the entire three years, using them as the fuel behind everything he did. All I had of him, the boy whose room I was now in, were only distant memories… sparing, a desire for adventure, a raft, and the ever present sound of crashing waves.
-ooo0oo0o0oo0ooo-
My sleep, which once had been so deep that nothing could get me out of it, had grown sensitive to any noise. Although excellent when in a dangerous territory, it was nothing short of annoying in a home setting. I would wake up in a startled jolt for anything, from hearing my sister getting up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom to the muffled sounds of my parents making love (I was so alienated from them that this didn’t disturb me nearly as much as it should; I had heard similar things when visiting Cloud and Leon’s and would automatically relate what I heard in that world to here). Most of the time, I would wait until I was settled and then nod off back to sleep.
This time, I drifted consciousness. I didn’t know exactly when I fell asleep. I had been sitting on my bed, the drapes shutting out the afternoon’s slowly dimming sunlight, and then I was on my back, curled into a half-fetal position with a blanket pulled over me. But I knew how I woke up: serenely calm. It was nice, I guess, if I compared the two. My mind was foggy, so I couldn’t remember why I hadn’t changed out of the clothes I had gone to school in, or anything about the day before for that matter.
I languidly scratched the side of my face. It took me only a few seconds to hear breathing that was not my own. The tranquility I initially felt shattered and I shot up. I knew my shades had been opened by the pale cerulean light shining in. Quickly turning my head toward the source, I froze.
He raised his hand in a brief wave, “Hey.”
“Riku?” My friend stood up against my desk in the same clothes he had been wearing that day, his coat hanging over the back of my chair. “How did you get in? The window was closed.”
Riku chuckled softly. “Of all the interesting things to say to me,” he whispered, “and you ask me that?” He sighed, shaking his head coyly. “I came in through the window. I’m sure you would be able to get in just as easily if you were in my shoes.” That was true. “I didn’t want anyone knowing I came by.” As he spoke, Riku crossed the room and I noticed the small, cardboard cube he held with a single hand. It was pinstriped red and white with baker’s thread tied around it. I sat cross-legged to make room for him as he joined me on my bed. He sat with his thigh just far enough so as not to touch my knee.
Tiredly, I pushed a hand through my hair. “How long have you been standing there?”
“I considered waking you up when I first got here; it seemed like you were having a nightmare or something. But you eventually calmed down once I pulled the sheets over you.-Maybe you were cold?-After that, you looked peaceful. It would have broken my heart to wake you.” I could have sworn I could feel his giddiness (if it was even that) radiating from him. Creepy.
“Uh… Any particular reason you’re here?”
Smiling, obviously pleased with himself, Riku held up his package between us.
“Well, Riku… That’s a very nice box. Totally worth getting up after midnight to experience the glory of colored cardboard.”
“No, you dimwit,” he said playfully. (Seriously, what was going on?) “It’s in the box. Man, you’re ruining the moment with your unbearable lack of common sense.”
Didn’t he realize that it was the middle of the night and we had school the next day? What did he expect? Though I could have retorted, I decided that I might as well play along with his silly games. The quicker he’s satisfied, the quicker he’ll leave. Without bothering to relieve him of his small load, I untangled the thread and opened the flimsy lid. Tilting my head to one side, I took out the item inside.
“It’s a cupcake.” Hopefully, I didn’t sound as disappointed as I felt. The way he was hyping it up, you would have thought it was the answer to the universe or something.
He reached over with a candle that appeared from absolutely nowhere. Sticking it in the center of the cupcake, he retrieved a packet of matches from his pocket. Now I was confused.
“What is this?”
“I thought you might not remember.” He toed off his shoes so he could sit cross-legged as well. His legs pressed against mine and he was quite close to me… Ugh, why was he so attractive? “It’s your birthday today.”
This would have been a really sweet gesture, had it not been for the fact that my birthday was in May. “Riku… My birthday is in a couple of months. Though I appreciate the effort it must have taken,” I started.
He cooed in the same, animated voice, “No. No, it’s not. We both know that’s just some stupid lie we are forced to follow. I don’t care about your fake seventeenth birthday in a couple of months. All I know is that today you have officially lived a full eighteen years.” I felt a tremendous weight fall onto my chest realizing what he said was true.
He flattened the cardboard box and put it aside, preceding to then smooth out the wrinkles in my sheets as he continued. “I knew you probably would have forgotten, but I thought it would be nice, you know, to celebrate anyway. It would have meant a lot to me if you were the one bringing me baked goods, or, baked good considering I only brought over the one cupcake. I mean, I would understand if you were offended or in any way upset by this but I was really hoping you won’t be.” He smiled goofily. “And now I’m rambling. Please say something before I make a bigger fool of myself.”
“Riku, I don’t know what you want me to say. I can’t-can’t accept this. Why? Why go through all the trouble?”
“Don’t worry about it. I mean, I went all the way to Besaid to get the damn cupcake. I spent hours walking around the island and went to about ten bakeries until I found the right one. It’s the only bakery I know of that actually uses paopu fruit extract in its frosting. It’s supposed to be some of the best frosting ever made, on this world at least. Considering what I had to go through to get it, I think you should eat it and hopefully enjoy.”
My head suddenly felt dizzy, like I was struggling to remember or was missing out on something really important. “I just don’t understand, Riku. I just don’t know…” I sighed. “Why did you do this for me?”
“If I light the candle, would you make a wish?”
“Stop it!” I was so aggravated by his evasive response that the volume of my voice jumped much more than I had intended. Not hearing stirring from any one of my family members, I repeated myself in a low hiss. “Stop it. Don’t avoid the question. I’m sick of all that. Why? Why would you do this for me? What were you planning on-why would you go through…” He slammed a fist against my mattress to stop my somewhat incoherent mutterings.
“Isn’t it obvious?” He reached out and pressed his left hand underneath my jaw. It was then that I noticed his hands trembling slightly. “Today marks eighteen years of life. Your life.” The white bandage encasing his forearm glowed in the direct light. Tired of holding the small gift, I put the cupcake on my windowsill. I’m not sure exactly what he thought I was going to do, but when he saw movement, he impulsively drew nearer to me to the point of practically sitting on me. We hadn’t been this close since… “Every second of every minute I survived brought me here tonight. And the same seconds of the same minutes brought you to this bed this night as well. I’m not going to let more than a year, or even a moment, of your life be forgotten just because it might not work for everyone else. Your life means too much to me.”
We stood in silence for several moments, him waiting for a response and me just staring. It had been awhile since I’d seen him in moonlight like this. His wispy hair framed his face perfectly, as it always does, but he had swept his bangs away so I could clearly see his glittering, sea green eyes. Sometimes my eyes would lock with his, and I felt my world crumbling around me; other times, they were the only things holding my world together. Now, he was peering down at me so intensely that I couldn’t help but feel self-conscious. And as I lost myself in his determined gaze, I was finally able to see past his giddy façade: he was… nervous.
I knew what he meant. I heard his heartbeat (that constant bah-bump, bah-bump), and then my childish ecstasy at him being alive would return. I could almost feel the bah-bump against my skin; his chest was only a few inches away. Maybe if he leaned forward a bit more…
His proximity to me was intoxicating, a toxin I would give anything for and couldn’t survive without. I wanted to embrace him, kiss him, allow him to push me against the bed because I didn’t have the confidence to lead yet. Hush him when he moaned. Listen to him comment on how clumsily I moved; was I really that inexperienced? Then get defensive and tell him I was sorry, but not everyone could be as skilled as him. Riku would try to kiss me, but I was still bitter. Was Luzzu better than me? He would smile then and press his lips against mine with such intensity that I wouldn’t reject him. I could shake my head disapprovingly, but he would begin to sway his hips into mine-
Wait.
And just like that, the light in the room seemed to dim, darkness overtaking the christening moonlight in a second. I felt suffocated, by his warm exhales curling over my skin, by how his glowing eyes would not leave me, by the mere fact that he was in front of me. The disconnection I had with the bedroom that was not mine anymore… flooded me. I felt a jump in my heartbeat. Just a moment for the memory of a single word that I had stupidly, stupidly forgotten as I slept to snap back into my consciousness.
Just.
Like.
That.
“Sora, I know you may not be completely comfortable with me saying this. Even in my head, it sounds too melodramatic. But I truly do care about you. You’re my best friend, and, and I don’t know what I would do without you…” People tend to separate listening and hearing. That one could listen but not hear. (Or was it the other way ‘round?) But I was listening and I was hearing him. But… the hurt, and-and the rejection… It hurt so much…
“Get out of my room, Riku.”
I didn’t dare drop my eyes. No, that was defeat. That was saying it hurt so much that I couldn’t bear to look at him. So I watched as his face churned into confusion and the fear he had been so careful to hide dulled his hopeful eyes.
“What?”
Everything felt stiff: my face, holding back my pain for the moment; my body, muscles tightening in preparation for violence; even my voice, emotionless, as I repeated myself.
His voice was small as he coughed up, “I don’t understand. I know I was being a little emotional there, but there’s no need to throw me out of your room.”
“Before,” I began my lie, “you kept saying ‘we.’ You said that you went to Besaid to get that cupcake and ‘we’ spent hours walking around, and that it was the only bakery ‘we’ know that has these special cupcakes… Who were you with, Riku?”
His eyes widened fractionally, his pupils twitching as he tried to recall what he had said. His hesitance betrayed the fact that it was true; he was with someone else. Riku gave off a shaky laugh, suddenly moving away from me. “Don’t play around, Sora. I was alone. I wouldn’t say anything otherwise.”
“Don’t lie to me.”
“I’m not-”
“I know about Luzzu.”
Just like that.
“…No.”
“Get out, Riku.”
Pause. “You don’t understand.”
“I want you out of my room.”
“Don’t do this to me, Sora. Not like this. Not tonight.”
Just like that.
“Get the fuck out of my room, Riku!”
There was such stillness in the room that I thought he had not comprehended the severity of my demand. When a sudden twitching of his hands caught my eye, Riku shuddered, chest collapsing. His face still held the same heavy look of desperation that had darkened his eyes, and his mouth hung vaguely open as if ready to plea once again. His left hand lifted from its perch on his thigh to clasp onto his shirt over his heart. The fabric slipped between his fingers as if he had no strength to latch onto it correctly. “Ow,” he whimpered, sucking in air through harsh hiccups. “Even after all that’s happened the last few years, you’ve never said my name with so much…” He shook his head violently, as if that could disguise the tears that rolled down his cheek at an unsteady pace. The volume of his sobbing increasing, the urge to embrace him and beg for forgiveness tempted me. But the thought of him… with Luzzu… fueled the momentary need to watch him, the lone object of my truest desires, suffer.
The bedspring coils whined wistfully as Riku stood. Holding his face in a scowl, he put on his shoes, taking the time to bend down and unlace them before slipping them on. Riku fluffed his hair with his right hand as he crossed the room towards the door. I didn’t dare request that he use the window again; his steps were so uneven and clumsy that I wondered how he even walked in a straight line. Having him not fall off the roof was worth possibly having Riku wake my parents up.
As he was about to open the door, he stopped. I could sense that the narrow space between the door and its frame alarmed him just as it did me. He wiped his face with his knuckles, swaying back and forth on his heels.
“I,” he said still facing the door, “have nightmares about what would have happened if you died, if you gave up on searching for me, if you killed me, or, even worse, if I killed you… I have nightmares about you leaving me. I’m terrified that one day I’ll wake up and never see you again. Your friendship means everything to me. It’s how I get through the day. I know this is might be really scary for you, but you have to understand. I may be betraying our friendship by feeling this way, but please…” His fingers curled tighter around the knob. “Please, don’t leave me. I… can’t… Not without you.” Riku pressed his forehead into the door, and, barely audible, he whispered, “Please, Sora. I love you.”
My heart clenched. I pressed down a wave of dizziness. I love you, said without a trace of a lie. I could feel a blush rising, but suppressed it as soon as I had felt it. But wasn’t this, that little admission, what I wanted? To hear him say that he needed me; couldn’t live without me. Maybe he really did… love me. All the time I had spent thinking about him would no longer have been a waste. And I promised his mother I wouldn’t hurt him.
Maybe this really would work out. Maybe if I listened to him, then everything would be alright. I could do everything I wanted to do. Love him like I dreamt of loving him.
The hope… The hope of his returning my affections was unbearable. The hope meant vulnerability. I allowed myself to be vulnerable once, and I ended up sleeping with Riku. The time we spent together was absolute bliss, and would remain as one of my fondest memories; the texture of his lips and hands tracing my every part of me were still imprinted in my memory. But the morning after that wonderful evening, he got to keep the friendship he found so endearing, and I was left with nights upon nights of lamentation.
Would the hope that my affections just might be returned really be enough for me to endure the pain? And even if he really did love me, why sleep with another man? He knew I loved him. If he truly did care, he would have told me. Why hide it? Why deliberately keep it a secret? Since he knew I wanted to be with him, the only reason he wouldn’t tell me was because he didn’t want it to stop. He wanted to have his little outings with Luzzu. Riku wanted someone who had good sex with him. He put through it with me, once, but once was more than enough. He needed a real man who’d been around the block and knows what he’s doing.
Knowing this, would anyone choose to be used again?
“I had sex with you once, Riku. I won’t let myself be manipulated by you any longer.”
His entire body trembled, the doorknob rattling in his hand. This time, he didn’t let out a sob, but I could tell tears were falling down his face again. With a single, pointed jab of a nod, he murmured, “Goodnight, Sora.”
And without waiting for a response, he walked out of the door, shutting it behind him. I stared at the door pensively, expectantly. It would take me thirty minutes to realize I was waiting for him to come back through it. And although I immediately disregarded this as ludicrous, my eyes refused to turn away from the blank panel of wood.
I was exhausted. My vision was unfocused. My position was awkward and painful to sit in for so long. Yet, I keep on staring. Waiting. Wishing.
It wouldn’t be until the opal moonlight of late evening shifted to the lackluster rays of early morning, until the songs of highflying birds fell from their throats, that horror over what I had done engulfed my senses.
Everything I said to Riku… Everything I wanted to confront him about peacefully much later, when I was calm… Everything… “Riku.” I hadn’t been dreaming. “Riku!” I toppled out of my bed in what could only be described as a blind panic. The prickling numbness in my legs caused me to lose my balance. I tumbled sideways and ended up kneeling, my face inches away from the coat Riku had left hanging on my chair. His dusty scent clung onto it.
He wasn’t coming back for the coat.
He wasn’t coming back for me.
-ooo0oo0o0oo0ooo-ooo0oo0o0oo0ooo-ooo0oo0o0oo0ooo-
Chapter Three of Four
Author: fallen-angel-of-repression
Editor: ifthedeadwerealive (not on LJ)
Series: Kingdom Hearts
Pairing: Riku/Sora
Genre: Romance/Drama
Word Count: 31178 (excluding epilogue)
Progress: Complete.
Notes: NC-17. Non-AU. Multi-chapter. Originally on ff, but I've finally decided to also archive my stories here.
Summary: Exhaustion edging up on the both of us, Riku placed his hand on my hip in a slightly possessive manner and I couldn't help but ask myself before falling asleep, What did I just do...
FF.net Post: www.fanfiction.net/s/4045026/3/Dream_A_Little_Dream_Of_Me (Review there if you like it~!)
Disclaimer: I do not own the Kingdom Hearts franchise or any characters or events that align with those of the series, and do not claim to do so. I also do not claim to own any copyrighted items, any items not copyrighted but still owned by another party, any real locations I may mention, or crossed-over characters I may incorporate. The title to this fiction and its chapters are taken from a Louis Armstrong song’s lyrics by the same name, which I also do not own. I do own this story, the plot, and any original characters or locations I create.
-ooo0oo0o0oo0ooo-ooo0oo0o0oo0ooo-ooo0oo0o0oo0ooo-
Stars Fading but I Linger on You
-ooo0oo0o0oo0ooo-ooo0oo0o0oo0ooo-ooo0oo0o0oo0ooo-
It’s always the smell of the water that made me wish I told Riku that I was busy and was unable to spend an extra hour after school waiting for him. Although homework could be done sitting on the uncomfortable, wooden benches at the side of the indoor pool, I never could finish a single set of math problems. The smell was so pungent that the numbers, theorems, radicals and circles on the page became foggy and twisted. Even if I never touched the water, the stench of a pool stayed with me for a full thirty minutes after I left its vicinity. Gross.
But every time Riku asked, I honestly answered that I would love to accompany him. Riku truly appreciated any time I spent with him and I did as well, so gagging on the disgusting stench of chlorine was always worth it in the end.
Besides, when else could I see Riku in his swimming uniform? At meets? Yeah, like I was going to wait for one of those to come around. (Okay, so he wore a top with sleeves reached down to his wrist… but they were skintight. And the “trunks” were nothing more than a Speedo with a bit more material. It’s quite a wonderful sight, if I do say so myself.)
So, instead of using my precious time productively to study the two years of schooling I still had to catch up on, my books were forgotten as I watched Riku swim back and forth again and again and again. His timing was absolutely amazing and his strokes beautiful. He was already one of the best in his sport that the school had ever had. Having been to a small competition with our sister school from a neighboring island, Besaid, I learned that Riku was also fan favorite. He even had some of the Besaid girls rooting for him.
He was that good.
I followed his movements as he reached the shallow end of the pool. When he reached the edge, I expected him to turn around and start a new lap. However, he lingered and I saw him stand up. He pushed himself up and sat on the edge. Still hearing splashing, I realized then that there were two women in the pool. How long have they been here?
Riku walked over to me without even bothering to shake out some of the water soaking him. Before he could get too close, I waggled my finger threateningly, “If you dare wet me like last time, you’re dead.”
He laughed, raising his hands in defeat. “You caught me.”
I shook my head, tossing him his towel. “I think you’re getting better,” I said offhandedly, gathering my stuff as he wiped his face.
“Really?” We began walking toward the men’s locker room.
“Yup.”
He laughed again. “Wakka and Tidus are jealous as is. If I plan to live until I’m eighteen, I probably should start getting worse, not better.”
I inwardly shook my head at his comment. According to the time that existed for only him and me, Riku would have already turned nineteen. Our parents, the mayor (the man who took Kairi in years ago), and the school officials decided it would be easier for us if Riku and I… forgot about the difference in years. The two of us never talked about it. Instead, the whole age thing was addressed only through jokes.
“Funny. But you have to remember that it’s not your fault you’re better than them.” Although we both recognized how cruel I may have sounded, it was universally understood that since Tidus and Wakka were our friends, we could say anything we wanted to behind their back. We weren’t being malicious; just honest.
“I know. But you have to feel a little bad. They’ve been on the team since last year and are only chosen to swim in a race when one of the seniors is sick. I’ve been on it for three months and the coach is planning to put me in every competitive event he possibly can.”
“I guess.” We stopped in front of the locker rooms. Looking in, I groaned. I was just as disgusted with them as I was with pool water. “You know what? I think I’m going wait for you in the lobby.” He nodded before entering the room. I remained for a second before leaving the pool area and climbing up a flight of stairs to the school’s lobby. I sat down in an alcove, still not bothering to crack open a book.
On top of the mandatory catching up we had left after spending the entire summer studying, Riku and I were both on sports teams. During P.E., the gym teacher realized how athletic we had become and convinced the principle to force us into the school’s competitive teams. (We couldn’t say no, seeing that the school had been so helpful and it hadn’t won at any sporting event in years.)
With my jump so high, run so quick and strides so long it sometimes seemed like I was gliding, track was a no-brainer for me.
Riku, on the other hand, had gotten sick of running over the course of his adventure and would do anything to avoid it. He wasn’t built big enough for football, and he sucked at baseball, basketball and volleyball. Wrestling and fencing had too many rules for someone who had learned hand-to-hand combat and sword-fighting the way we did. There was too much running in soccer, and tennis… he didn’t want to. He claimed that there were only freaks on the school tennis team and being around them would drive him nuts.
In the end, I knew what he really wanted to do, and that was swimming. However, the skimpy trunks that made up the official uniform covered only so much; his entire back, chest and arms would be exposed, which he was extremely uncomfortable with. I was with Riku as he explained his situation to the swim coach. She said she would allow Riku to wear a sort of tank top, one that would have a small effect on his swimming but at least offered some coverage. He held up his bandaged left arm at that point, saying that a tank top would do little for him. Riku promised that whatever the cost of wearing a long-sleeved top would be, he would take it. The coach was compassionate and, against regulation, let him wear what he wanted. That’s partly why he had to practice so hard, to make up for the shirt.
I sighed.
Life had become so overwhelming. I had to practice and study obsessively, while still having some time to enjoy being a teenager. The whole ‘hanging out with friends’ thing was actually the most difficult to get used to. Life had become too peaceful, too safe… so much so that it sometimes scared me. If I didn’t have the pressure of the courses I still had to study for and of shaving another few seconds off my average run, I don’t know what I would do.
On the few days that I had extra time and not enough of my friends were willing to hang out, I would call Riku and ask him if we could meet up. He always would. We actually didn’t do anything more interesting than if we had been alone ever since sparring was deemed unwise for us to do. (The one time we did, our parents were frantic about just how badly we had beaten each other up. Good times.) But I still loved his company. It was always… nice. We would just play videogames, watch a movie, or help each other study. When the mood was right, we would just lean up each other quietly reading-or pretending to read-a book. Oftentimes, we discussed some of our most memorable battles with great nostalgia and complained about how an adventure was five percent sleeping, nine percent fighting, nine percent talking, and seventy-seven percent walking. He really was a great best friend.
I still dreamt about him, and I still desired him; but it was different now. Having him around subdued my desperation. I remembered that single night we spent together and wished for another, but the loneliness I had felt prior to our reunion was lost. My feelings for him had changed, I’ll admit. It was hard to explain just how or why. They just were. I still loved him with all my heart and I wanted to be with him just as much-
“Are you ready, Sora?”
I jumped at Riku’s voice, feeling a bit self-conscious. Used to being interrupted during my thoughts, I held out my hand without any obvious sign that I was troubled. Riku helped me up, muttering how lazy I was. He already had his jacket on, so we stood by the entrance until I had mine on. “What did you say? I didn’t quite hear that.”
He looked over at me smugly. “I said that you’re ugly.”
Knowing just where this conversation was going, I decided to be compliant and play along. I held my chest in mock hurt, pushing the door open for us. The end of autumn air nipped at my nose the second it touched my skin. “What! How dare you! How cruel of you to say after I spent an hour and a half this morning getting myself all pretty for you. Is this how you repay me?” We turned right, in the direction of our houses.
My companion rolled his eyes. “I can’t believe I’m friends with such a freak.”
“You should be used to it by now.”
Riku pushed me half-way into the street. “You forced your friendship onto me.”
Making a face, I steadied myself and retaliated by punching his arm, lightly, of course. “And how did I do that?”
“You moved in next door.”
“I was two.”
“Doesn’t change the fact that you moved in next door to me.”
“You moved into your house just four months before we came!”
“Meaning I was there first. And for four marvelous months, I didn’t have to have a Sora to constantly nag me.”
I ran my hand through my hair. “Fine. Be that way. If I knew what a bother you would become, I would have gotten someone else to be my best friend.”
Riku slung his eternally bandaged arm around my shoulder, pressing his weight down onto me. I could smell the cleanliness of his body. Riku always took the time to make sure he washed away any trace of the pool water so I wouldn’t have to suffer standing next to him. He always noticed the littlest things. “You don’t mean that.”
I squirmed slightly as his breath curled around my ear. It still made me antsy to have to him so close to me, despite the months I had to have gotten used to it. Staring ahead, I tried to control the possible blush that wanted to creep up my face. He continued to exhale hot air into the side of my face as he waited for a response. “Get off of me, you pasty gorilla.”
He gasped exaggeratedly, copying my mannerisms from just moments before. “I’m pasty now? I’m hurt, Sora. Hurt. How could you be so cruel as to make fun of my naturally pale complexion?” Something about the absurdity of him saying this made it sound five times more vindictive than when I did it. “And to top it off, you call me a gorilla. It’s not my fault that I’m twice as tall as you.”
“Shut up! You’re only a couple inches taller than me.”
“Oh, yes, you had that massive growth spurt during the summer. Well, at least you’re noticeably taller than Kairi now, finally, even without counting the hair.”
“I’m going to kick you.”
He pulled in closer. “And now you’re threatening violence on me. What would your mother say hearing such vulgarity from your mouth?”
“She would cheer me on as I beat you to a bloody pulp.”
“Is that a challenge I hear?”
“Yup, and I have no doubt that I will win. I’ll always win.” He snickered at my declaration but said nothing more on the subject, finally dropping his arm from my shoulder.
The rest of the walk was a bit mellower. We talked about the social studies test the following week and about how lazy some of our teammates, who had stopped practicing because the weather was getting chilly, were. We took our time because we didn’t have homework due the next day, a special and rare treat. Riku came up to my front door, waiting for me to get inside before crossing the lawn to his house.
I heard some movement in the kitchen as well as the blaring television in the living room. Knowing that my mother worked today, the person in the kitchen must have been my father. And knowing that my father hated it when I went into the kitchen as he was cooking (he’s a bit of a freak), I went straight into the living room.
A petite, two-year old brunet was positioned about a foot away from the television. Shaking my head, I said, “You shouldn’t sit so close to the TV, Shelinda.”
Shelinda swung around in a burst of energy. “Sora’s home! Daddy, Sora’s home!” The little girl previously sitting cross-legged on the floor scrambled over to me, jumping on me the second she was near enough. I easily lifted her. She giggled and instantly began wiggling in an attempt to escape.
“How’s your day, kiddo?”
The girl pouted, continuing to struggle against my grip. “No!”
“No?” She shook her head, repeating herself. “Really?”
I straightened my arms, holding her away from me. I slowly swung her side to side. Shelinda squeaked, rolling her small body into a ball. She was still light enough for me to hold her like this, thankfully. This was all I knew how to do with a child her age.
“You’ve been home for thirty seconds and you’re already bothering your sister. Is this what happens when I turn my back for just a moment?”
I rolled my eyes and put Shelinda down. She complained, but I would rather not tempt the dark-haired man who had walked into the living room with further opportunities of ridicule. My father, who seemed like a pretty ordinary guy judging by his plain looks, was really random-actually, he was just eccentric. My mother said I was just like him. I said that Riku’s little spurts of viciousness perfectly matched my father’s… but that’s just me.
I couldn’t remember if he always acted like this, or whether he and my mother always worked alternatively, or if my father had ever cooked when I was young. And I certainly didn’t have a sister when I left the island. Though it may seem like a handful of changes, these were but a few of the many things I had to get used to. Did I mention that there was a new mall? A mall on Destiny Islands! It’s sick.
“Hey, Dad,” I said. Shelinda, seeing that she wouldn’t be picked up again, turned around and went back to watching the television, this time with a reasonable distance from the set.
“Dinner will be ready soon, so I suggest waiting here until it’s done. Mom’s going to be coming home late, but she said we can start without her.” Translation: Sit down because I don’t want you falling asleep on me, again. Your mother said that she will be late, but I’m hungry now, so let’s eat.
“Okay.” I sat down on the couch, dropping my bag beside my feet.
Finally looking at the television, I realized my sister was watching some cheesy, animated children’s movie. The princess-because in these movies there is always a princess-was singing about how some handsome prince-because we’re all politically correct here and a princess can’t possibly want a princess-was going to save her from the evil curse set upon her. After the adventure was done, she prophesized, they would marry.
Shelinda loved it all. She loved the hidden beauty behind the princess’ plain looks, knowing that when she met the prince, everything would change, that she would become gorgeous. She loved how idealized the artists had depicted the prince, with his air-blown, shining-in-the-sun blond hair. She loved the unoriginal plot that only supplied obstacles that the prince could easily overcome.
She loved the overly confident nature of the woman’s song, how the princess seemed to know what was waiting for her.
She loved the fact that there was only the one, unjustifiable evil holding the two lovers apart.
She loved how much the princess loved the prince.
And above all else, she loved knowing that the prince loved the princess back.
“Sora, son, are you alright?” My eyes snapped back into focus. My father stood in front of me with a phone in hand, worry spread across his face. The princess had stopped singing, and it looked like the plot was finally beginning to advance with a speech from the villain.
I pressed my palm to my forehead. “Oh, sorry there. I was drifting off again, wasn’t I?”
My father frowned. “Sora.”
I hated making my parents worry, especially my father. He was hypersensitive to this kind of stuff. My eyes glanced back to the object he held. “Who’s on the phone?”
“Kairi, but that’s not the point, Sora,” he answered, slightly disgruntled. “We both know you weren’t just ‘drifting off.’ You can’t keep everything bottled up like this. You may think we won’t understand, but you have to at least let us try,” he started. I knew what was coming, and I knew that there was a chance that Kairi could hear.
Trying my best not to offend my father, I took the phone and stood up. He made a face and opened his lips. I didn’t need a confrontation now, not in front of Shelinda and not with Kairi on the line. I held the phone to my ear and could hear music playing softly in the background. Not looking at my father, I sheepishly said, “I’ll just take this upstairs. I’ll come down when I’m done, ‘kay?”
Without waiting for a response, I scampered up to my room, locking the door behind me. I sighed, dropping down on my bed. “Kairi?” There was still plenty of light outside, so I could clearly see the play island. I could also see several boats docked there, meaning that some of my friends decided to use the fact that we didn’t have homework to their advantage.
“Hey. Look, I’m sorry if I started something between you and your dad. If I knew, I wouldn’t have…” Kairi rambled. I rolled my eyes, kicking my shoes off.
“It’s fine, Kairi. You weren’t the one spacing out.”
“I guess.”
“Well, what do you want?”
“Ehh,” She whined. “No homework mean boring night. Me no want boredom. Boredom eat mind of Kairi.”
“Does no homework also mean horrible sentence structure?”
Grunt.
“I see. That would be bad. So what do you propose we do?”
“I don’t know. We could call Riku and hang out.”
“Uncreative plan, but a plan. Who’s calling him?”
“You are.”
“Fine. I’ll call you back in a few.”
“Bye.”
She hung up, and without a pause I dialed Riku’s home number. I swung my feet back and forth as monotonous beeps came from the phone. This was routine for us. One person was bored, called someone, and then the second person usually was the one to call the third.
“Hello,” I heard a feminine voice say. Riku’s mom.
“Good afternoon, ma’am. May I speak to Riku?”
“Oh, dear.” The unusual hesitation in her voice alarmed me.
“Is there something wrong?”
“No, of course not. Riku just isn’t here right now. He went out with a friend.”
A friend? “That’s odd. He usually calls me before leaving, especially when he knows I have nothing to do,” I thought aloud. “Whatever the case, thank you for telling me. I’m going to try his cell.”
I had barely finished my sentence when her voice cut through the line, “Don’t.”
I sat up slowly, almost hearing the woman’s regret at her interjection. “Excuse me?”
Riku’s mother mumbled something to herself for a moment until she finally answered. “You know that you mean very much to me. I love you as much as I do my own son. And I know your parents feel the same about Riku. We care about you both, and would never choose to do anything to upset your friendship. So please, as a favor to me, don’t call my son.”
Something about this just didn’t seem… right. “I’m sorry, but I don’t understand what you’re trying to tell me.
What is Riku doing that would put our friendship in danger?”
“Please, dear. This does not concern you.”
I cringed at her cold response. Where have I heard that before? “But it does. I’m his best friend,” I spat. “I want to know.”
“Sora, there comes a time when you just have to accept what’s given to you. I think I told you enough.”
“But it’s not enough!” I was going to hate myself later for letting my temper flare up like this. “He’s hiding something from me again, isn’t he? Doesn’t he understand that I hate being left in the dark like this? I can’t stand not knowing what’s going on with him. I had to worry about him for three and half years, not being sure if he was alive or not, just to have him keep all these secrets from me!” My voice was breaking. “How is that fair? How?”
She didn’t respond immediately. I tried to regulate my breathing so that I didn’t sound so pissed off, but it was nearly impossible. Why was this so difficult? It wasn’t like anything I told Riku’s mom wasn’t true, but it wasn’t right to take it out on his mother like that.
“Hello? Have you calmed down yet?”
I put my face in my palm, muttering, “Yes.”
“Okay,” she paused and inhaled deeply. “I am sorry for talking down to you before. It was wrong of me. I forget that, like Riku, you are not only older, but also much more mature, than you look. I should never have spoken to you like you’re a child. I have to keep reminding myself that you are an adult, and not that little boy who used to come over every Saturday morning to watch cartoons with Riku.” I tried to thank her, but she continued without a break. “I should respect you, and expect as much out of you, as I would an adult. And because of this, I shouldn’t feel the need to hold things back from you. You are old enough to react as you wish. And you do deserve to know what’s going on with your best friend. You have been through enough. (Oh, dear, this is harder than I thought it would be.) I won’t try to sugarcoat it, because I know that’s not what you want.”
She stopped again, and I took the chance to input my own opinion. “I-I don’t want you to feel obligated to do anything for me. I shouldn’t have blown up at you.”
“No, Sora. You shouldn’t have to feel guilty when you’re concerned about a friend. I simply won’t allow it,” she said, inhaling once again to prepare herself for what she was about to say. “Over the summer, Riku began seeing someone.”-No.-“Even before the school suggested that he join the swimming team, Riku often went to the pool to practice. He was always such a good swimmer. Well, from what I can make out of it, that was where he met… where Riku met him.”
No.
“Him?”
My eyes lost all focus. My phone was pressed up against my ear, sweat building up around where the plastic touched my skin. She continued, unaware of the pain she was causing me with her use of a single pronoun.
No.
I couldn’t breathe.
No.
He… couldn’t have.
Oh, please, no.
It took several moments for me to force my attention back to her. “…you. So don’t judge him, Sora. Please, of all things, you must not judge him on that. He’s so afraid of what you’ll say; what you’ll do to him when you find out. I’m only telling you because I think you can handle yourself maturely. A-Sora, are you there?”
Licking my lips, I responded, “Yeah, I’m still here. So Riku met a-a boy there? The boy he’s with… now?”
“Yes. I found out part way through September. Your King Mickey told me it was nearly impossible to restrain Riku’s freedom like a parent should with their child. Riku was used to extreme independence, and it was too late to change him. So, I didn’t question my son when he left late, or when he spent the entire night out. But eventually I became concerned. It was one thing to raise a child with a lot of freedom, and another thing entirely to raise a reckless party animal. So, I sat him down and asked him what he had been doing, and he told me. He had been going out with a boy who was visiting the island for the summer. Luzzu (I think that was his name) is on the Besaid Aurochs, that team Riku once raced against. Riku said he liked the boy and whenever he went off, he was with Luzzu. I met him once. Sweet boy.”
“You-you said that he didn’t come home some nights. He was with Luzzu even then?”
I heard her pitying sigh through the phone. “Look, Sora. Although you may not, I understand that Riku is mature enough to make his own decisions. From what that King fellow of yours said to my husband and I, we did expect Riku to develop physical relationships. We were shocked it was so soon, and we were expecting him to be with a girl… but after everything, Riku is still Riku. We have accepted him. And I ask, and hope, for you to do the same, Sora.”
I closed my eyes, praying that my voice held even. “I understand.”
“I won’t tell Riku about this. If you want, you can approach him later, but please, remember what I said. I don’t want him hurt. He doesn’t deserve any more pain than what he has already gone through.”
“Okay.”
“Sora, you sound so upset. Maybe-maybe you should talk about this with Riku as soon as possible. I could call you when he comes back.”
“And if he doesn’t return tonight?”
She paused. “Do you want to come over and talk more about this, Sora? You really do sound upset.”
“No, thank you. I actually have to go. Dinner is almost ready and I still need to… help out and stuff. I’ll talk to Riku tomorrow.”
“I see. Well, see you soon, Sora. I really do hope this all works out.”
“Bye.”
“Goodbye.”
I hung up on the woman. For a moment, I was as still as the phone in my hands. My toes prickling from numbness, a sharp jab to my heart caused my breathing to become erratic. Emotion washed over me, but I managed bite back my tears. I could have my father catch me spacing out, but crying? The light from the window suddenly became too bright. I reached over and yanked the midnight blue drapes closed. How could this be? How could Riku have some stranger be his… lover after what we had been through? Maybe he kept this Luzzu a secret because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings. But-Ring!
I jumped at having the phone-Ring!-now in my lap go off so suddenly. I guessed-Ring!-that it was Kairi, and decided that it was best-Ring!-to answer than have my father pick up the other line-Ring! “Hello?”
“Are you honestly still talking to Riku? You guys are ridiculous. So, where are we meeting, or did you not get to that part during your brilliant conversation?”
I pushed my hand through my hair, hoping I could keep my voice steady for just a couple of moments. “About that: According to his mom, Riku’s with a friend from a rival swim team, so he can’t come.”
“You serious? Doesn’t he know any better than to hang out with friends other than us? Whatever, that just means more fun for me and you. What can we do that is so amazing Riku will be jealous of how much fun we had without him?”
“You know what? I am just not in the mood anymore. Between studying and running, I haven’t been having much family time these days, and Shelinda needs her older brother.”
“Uh, you’re such a liar. You spend plenty of time with that adorable, little girl. But I get the point. Sora wants more bonding time with his sister. I get it, I get it. I guess I’ll go find something to do, by myself, without my friends. You suck.”
“See you tomorrow, Kairi.”
“Tomorrow, then. Love you.” She hung up.
I waited a few minutes before putting the phone down next to me. A deep sense of rejection devoured me as I thought of Riku. He was willing to go to Besaid (a 35-minute ride by boat) to see a boy-No, not a boy, his boyfriend. Riku must have realized that I was not up to his standards, so he went elsewhere.
But he wouldn’t do that to me! There wasn’t enough time between when Riku would have gotten with this other boy… and the night I spent with him. He wouldn’t go behind my back knowing I loved him. No, that’s definitely something he would never do to me. He cared about me too much. Riku would have told me something; anything. I’m his best friend. I slept with him. He would have told me.
But his mother wouldn’t lie about something so important.
I could do little to suppress the pain in my heart, and even less to reign in my insecurity. I mean, I didn’t even need to see the guy to know that Luzzu was extremely attractive and probably as lean and tall as most swimmers are. He wasn’t a klutz, or an idiot, or an annoying tag-along. When they were alone, Luzzu was sensual and sexual and passionate and experienced…
Of course Riku would want someone like him. Riku needed someone who wasn’t as broken as I was. Someone who didn’t remind him of all the wrong he had done and had done to him. I… I…
Everything around me suddenly felt empty and disconnected. The toys I left behind years ago, the miniature boat hanging over my bed, the multi-colored photo frames encasing memories that I could either no longer remember or care about… all seemed more surreal than they had ever before. I had been ignoring my room for months, just going in it to talk on the phone or sleep. I didn’t even use my computer anymore; I went to the living room to type up homework with the oldest computer in the house. It wasn’t my room anymore. This wasn’t my life. This was the life of a boy who never had the fate of everything he held dear in his hands, who never had to sacrifice everything, who never had the friends whom he trusted with his very soul abandon him, who never felt like his world was slowly disappearing with every step he took. This was the life of a boy who never had killed, never experienced true gore, and who never thought about suicide.
The serenity of this world caged me. I had no mobility, no freedom. For the last few months, Kairi and Riku were the only things holding me to this world, this reality, this life. I would never have been able to cope without them. We avoided talking about the overwhelming feeling of insignificance Riku and I felt, but when we did, it was obvious I was taking the whole “reintegrating into the community” harder than the other two. Not counting the first year or so when our world had ceased to exist, Kairi was gone for a couple of months, if even that. Riku had thrived in his memories throughout the entire three years, using them as the fuel behind everything he did. All I had of him, the boy whose room I was now in, were only distant memories… sparing, a desire for adventure, a raft, and the ever present sound of crashing waves.
-ooo0oo0o0oo0ooo-
My sleep, which once had been so deep that nothing could get me out of it, had grown sensitive to any noise. Although excellent when in a dangerous territory, it was nothing short of annoying in a home setting. I would wake up in a startled jolt for anything, from hearing my sister getting up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom to the muffled sounds of my parents making love (I was so alienated from them that this didn’t disturb me nearly as much as it should; I had heard similar things when visiting Cloud and Leon’s and would automatically relate what I heard in that world to here). Most of the time, I would wait until I was settled and then nod off back to sleep.
This time, I drifted consciousness. I didn’t know exactly when I fell asleep. I had been sitting on my bed, the drapes shutting out the afternoon’s slowly dimming sunlight, and then I was on my back, curled into a half-fetal position with a blanket pulled over me. But I knew how I woke up: serenely calm. It was nice, I guess, if I compared the two. My mind was foggy, so I couldn’t remember why I hadn’t changed out of the clothes I had gone to school in, or anything about the day before for that matter.
I languidly scratched the side of my face. It took me only a few seconds to hear breathing that was not my own. The tranquility I initially felt shattered and I shot up. I knew my shades had been opened by the pale cerulean light shining in. Quickly turning my head toward the source, I froze.
He raised his hand in a brief wave, “Hey.”
“Riku?” My friend stood up against my desk in the same clothes he had been wearing that day, his coat hanging over the back of my chair. “How did you get in? The window was closed.”
Riku chuckled softly. “Of all the interesting things to say to me,” he whispered, “and you ask me that?” He sighed, shaking his head coyly. “I came in through the window. I’m sure you would be able to get in just as easily if you were in my shoes.” That was true. “I didn’t want anyone knowing I came by.” As he spoke, Riku crossed the room and I noticed the small, cardboard cube he held with a single hand. It was pinstriped red and white with baker’s thread tied around it. I sat cross-legged to make room for him as he joined me on my bed. He sat with his thigh just far enough so as not to touch my knee.
Tiredly, I pushed a hand through my hair. “How long have you been standing there?”
“I considered waking you up when I first got here; it seemed like you were having a nightmare or something. But you eventually calmed down once I pulled the sheets over you.-Maybe you were cold?-After that, you looked peaceful. It would have broken my heart to wake you.” I could have sworn I could feel his giddiness (if it was even that) radiating from him. Creepy.
“Uh… Any particular reason you’re here?”
Smiling, obviously pleased with himself, Riku held up his package between us.
“Well, Riku… That’s a very nice box. Totally worth getting up after midnight to experience the glory of colored cardboard.”
“No, you dimwit,” he said playfully. (Seriously, what was going on?) “It’s in the box. Man, you’re ruining the moment with your unbearable lack of common sense.”
Didn’t he realize that it was the middle of the night and we had school the next day? What did he expect? Though I could have retorted, I decided that I might as well play along with his silly games. The quicker he’s satisfied, the quicker he’ll leave. Without bothering to relieve him of his small load, I untangled the thread and opened the flimsy lid. Tilting my head to one side, I took out the item inside.
“It’s a cupcake.” Hopefully, I didn’t sound as disappointed as I felt. The way he was hyping it up, you would have thought it was the answer to the universe or something.
He reached over with a candle that appeared from absolutely nowhere. Sticking it in the center of the cupcake, he retrieved a packet of matches from his pocket. Now I was confused.
“What is this?”
“I thought you might not remember.” He toed off his shoes so he could sit cross-legged as well. His legs pressed against mine and he was quite close to me… Ugh, why was he so attractive? “It’s your birthday today.”
This would have been a really sweet gesture, had it not been for the fact that my birthday was in May. “Riku… My birthday is in a couple of months. Though I appreciate the effort it must have taken,” I started.
He cooed in the same, animated voice, “No. No, it’s not. We both know that’s just some stupid lie we are forced to follow. I don’t care about your fake seventeenth birthday in a couple of months. All I know is that today you have officially lived a full eighteen years.” I felt a tremendous weight fall onto my chest realizing what he said was true.
He flattened the cardboard box and put it aside, preceding to then smooth out the wrinkles in my sheets as he continued. “I knew you probably would have forgotten, but I thought it would be nice, you know, to celebrate anyway. It would have meant a lot to me if you were the one bringing me baked goods, or, baked good considering I only brought over the one cupcake. I mean, I would understand if you were offended or in any way upset by this but I was really hoping you won’t be.” He smiled goofily. “And now I’m rambling. Please say something before I make a bigger fool of myself.”
“Riku, I don’t know what you want me to say. I can’t-can’t accept this. Why? Why go through all the trouble?”
“Don’t worry about it. I mean, I went all the way to Besaid to get the damn cupcake. I spent hours walking around the island and went to about ten bakeries until I found the right one. It’s the only bakery I know of that actually uses paopu fruit extract in its frosting. It’s supposed to be some of the best frosting ever made, on this world at least. Considering what I had to go through to get it, I think you should eat it and hopefully enjoy.”
My head suddenly felt dizzy, like I was struggling to remember or was missing out on something really important. “I just don’t understand, Riku. I just don’t know…” I sighed. “Why did you do this for me?”
“If I light the candle, would you make a wish?”
“Stop it!” I was so aggravated by his evasive response that the volume of my voice jumped much more than I had intended. Not hearing stirring from any one of my family members, I repeated myself in a low hiss. “Stop it. Don’t avoid the question. I’m sick of all that. Why? Why would you do this for me? What were you planning on-why would you go through…” He slammed a fist against my mattress to stop my somewhat incoherent mutterings.
“Isn’t it obvious?” He reached out and pressed his left hand underneath my jaw. It was then that I noticed his hands trembling slightly. “Today marks eighteen years of life. Your life.” The white bandage encasing his forearm glowed in the direct light. Tired of holding the small gift, I put the cupcake on my windowsill. I’m not sure exactly what he thought I was going to do, but when he saw movement, he impulsively drew nearer to me to the point of practically sitting on me. We hadn’t been this close since… “Every second of every minute I survived brought me here tonight. And the same seconds of the same minutes brought you to this bed this night as well. I’m not going to let more than a year, or even a moment, of your life be forgotten just because it might not work for everyone else. Your life means too much to me.”
We stood in silence for several moments, him waiting for a response and me just staring. It had been awhile since I’d seen him in moonlight like this. His wispy hair framed his face perfectly, as it always does, but he had swept his bangs away so I could clearly see his glittering, sea green eyes. Sometimes my eyes would lock with his, and I felt my world crumbling around me; other times, they were the only things holding my world together. Now, he was peering down at me so intensely that I couldn’t help but feel self-conscious. And as I lost myself in his determined gaze, I was finally able to see past his giddy façade: he was… nervous.
I knew what he meant. I heard his heartbeat (that constant bah-bump, bah-bump), and then my childish ecstasy at him being alive would return. I could almost feel the bah-bump against my skin; his chest was only a few inches away. Maybe if he leaned forward a bit more…
His proximity to me was intoxicating, a toxin I would give anything for and couldn’t survive without. I wanted to embrace him, kiss him, allow him to push me against the bed because I didn’t have the confidence to lead yet. Hush him when he moaned. Listen to him comment on how clumsily I moved; was I really that inexperienced? Then get defensive and tell him I was sorry, but not everyone could be as skilled as him. Riku would try to kiss me, but I was still bitter. Was Luzzu better than me? He would smile then and press his lips against mine with such intensity that I wouldn’t reject him. I could shake my head disapprovingly, but he would begin to sway his hips into mine-
Wait.
And just like that, the light in the room seemed to dim, darkness overtaking the christening moonlight in a second. I felt suffocated, by his warm exhales curling over my skin, by how his glowing eyes would not leave me, by the mere fact that he was in front of me. The disconnection I had with the bedroom that was not mine anymore… flooded me. I felt a jump in my heartbeat. Just a moment for the memory of a single word that I had stupidly, stupidly forgotten as I slept to snap back into my consciousness.
Just.
Like.
That.
“Sora, I know you may not be completely comfortable with me saying this. Even in my head, it sounds too melodramatic. But I truly do care about you. You’re my best friend, and, and I don’t know what I would do without you…” People tend to separate listening and hearing. That one could listen but not hear. (Or was it the other way ‘round?) But I was listening and I was hearing him. But… the hurt, and-and the rejection… It hurt so much…
“Get out of my room, Riku.”
I didn’t dare drop my eyes. No, that was defeat. That was saying it hurt so much that I couldn’t bear to look at him. So I watched as his face churned into confusion and the fear he had been so careful to hide dulled his hopeful eyes.
“What?”
Everything felt stiff: my face, holding back my pain for the moment; my body, muscles tightening in preparation for violence; even my voice, emotionless, as I repeated myself.
His voice was small as he coughed up, “I don’t understand. I know I was being a little emotional there, but there’s no need to throw me out of your room.”
“Before,” I began my lie, “you kept saying ‘we.’ You said that you went to Besaid to get that cupcake and ‘we’ spent hours walking around, and that it was the only bakery ‘we’ know that has these special cupcakes… Who were you with, Riku?”
His eyes widened fractionally, his pupils twitching as he tried to recall what he had said. His hesitance betrayed the fact that it was true; he was with someone else. Riku gave off a shaky laugh, suddenly moving away from me. “Don’t play around, Sora. I was alone. I wouldn’t say anything otherwise.”
“Don’t lie to me.”
“I’m not-”
“I know about Luzzu.”
Just like that.
“…No.”
“Get out, Riku.”
Pause. “You don’t understand.”
“I want you out of my room.”
“Don’t do this to me, Sora. Not like this. Not tonight.”
Just like that.
“Get the fuck out of my room, Riku!”
There was such stillness in the room that I thought he had not comprehended the severity of my demand. When a sudden twitching of his hands caught my eye, Riku shuddered, chest collapsing. His face still held the same heavy look of desperation that had darkened his eyes, and his mouth hung vaguely open as if ready to plea once again. His left hand lifted from its perch on his thigh to clasp onto his shirt over his heart. The fabric slipped between his fingers as if he had no strength to latch onto it correctly. “Ow,” he whimpered, sucking in air through harsh hiccups. “Even after all that’s happened the last few years, you’ve never said my name with so much…” He shook his head violently, as if that could disguise the tears that rolled down his cheek at an unsteady pace. The volume of his sobbing increasing, the urge to embrace him and beg for forgiveness tempted me. But the thought of him… with Luzzu… fueled the momentary need to watch him, the lone object of my truest desires, suffer.
The bedspring coils whined wistfully as Riku stood. Holding his face in a scowl, he put on his shoes, taking the time to bend down and unlace them before slipping them on. Riku fluffed his hair with his right hand as he crossed the room towards the door. I didn’t dare request that he use the window again; his steps were so uneven and clumsy that I wondered how he even walked in a straight line. Having him not fall off the roof was worth possibly having Riku wake my parents up.
As he was about to open the door, he stopped. I could sense that the narrow space between the door and its frame alarmed him just as it did me. He wiped his face with his knuckles, swaying back and forth on his heels.
“I,” he said still facing the door, “have nightmares about what would have happened if you died, if you gave up on searching for me, if you killed me, or, even worse, if I killed you… I have nightmares about you leaving me. I’m terrified that one day I’ll wake up and never see you again. Your friendship means everything to me. It’s how I get through the day. I know this is might be really scary for you, but you have to understand. I may be betraying our friendship by feeling this way, but please…” His fingers curled tighter around the knob. “Please, don’t leave me. I… can’t… Not without you.” Riku pressed his forehead into the door, and, barely audible, he whispered, “Please, Sora. I love you.”
My heart clenched. I pressed down a wave of dizziness. I love you, said without a trace of a lie. I could feel a blush rising, but suppressed it as soon as I had felt it. But wasn’t this, that little admission, what I wanted? To hear him say that he needed me; couldn’t live without me. Maybe he really did… love me. All the time I had spent thinking about him would no longer have been a waste. And I promised his mother I wouldn’t hurt him.
Maybe this really would work out. Maybe if I listened to him, then everything would be alright. I could do everything I wanted to do. Love him like I dreamt of loving him.
The hope… The hope of his returning my affections was unbearable. The hope meant vulnerability. I allowed myself to be vulnerable once, and I ended up sleeping with Riku. The time we spent together was absolute bliss, and would remain as one of my fondest memories; the texture of his lips and hands tracing my every part of me were still imprinted in my memory. But the morning after that wonderful evening, he got to keep the friendship he found so endearing, and I was left with nights upon nights of lamentation.
Would the hope that my affections just might be returned really be enough for me to endure the pain? And even if he really did love me, why sleep with another man? He knew I loved him. If he truly did care, he would have told me. Why hide it? Why deliberately keep it a secret? Since he knew I wanted to be with him, the only reason he wouldn’t tell me was because he didn’t want it to stop. He wanted to have his little outings with Luzzu. Riku wanted someone who had good sex with him. He put through it with me, once, but once was more than enough. He needed a real man who’d been around the block and knows what he’s doing.
Knowing this, would anyone choose to be used again?
“I had sex with you once, Riku. I won’t let myself be manipulated by you any longer.”
His entire body trembled, the doorknob rattling in his hand. This time, he didn’t let out a sob, but I could tell tears were falling down his face again. With a single, pointed jab of a nod, he murmured, “Goodnight, Sora.”
And without waiting for a response, he walked out of the door, shutting it behind him. I stared at the door pensively, expectantly. It would take me thirty minutes to realize I was waiting for him to come back through it. And although I immediately disregarded this as ludicrous, my eyes refused to turn away from the blank panel of wood.
I was exhausted. My vision was unfocused. My position was awkward and painful to sit in for so long. Yet, I keep on staring. Waiting. Wishing.
It wouldn’t be until the opal moonlight of late evening shifted to the lackluster rays of early morning, until the songs of highflying birds fell from their throats, that horror over what I had done engulfed my senses.
Everything I said to Riku… Everything I wanted to confront him about peacefully much later, when I was calm… Everything… “Riku.” I hadn’t been dreaming. “Riku!” I toppled out of my bed in what could only be described as a blind panic. The prickling numbness in my legs caused me to lose my balance. I tumbled sideways and ended up kneeling, my face inches away from the coat Riku had left hanging on my chair. His dusty scent clung onto it.
He wasn’t coming back for the coat.
He wasn’t coming back for me.
-ooo0oo0o0oo0ooo-ooo0oo0o0oo0ooo-ooo0oo0o0oo0ooo-