[Fiction] The Lady in Black
The Lady In Black
Chapter Two of two
Author: fallen-angel-of-repression
Editor: ifthedeadwerealive (not on LJ)
Series: Kingdom Hearts
Pairing: Sora/Riku
Genre: Romance/General
Word Count: 10956
Progress: Complete.
Notes: NC-17. AU. Two-shot. Originally on ff, but I've finally decided to also archive my stories here.
Summary: For Riku, coming out wasn't hard. All he needed was for one portly octogenarian to grind on his nerves, and those months of being in the closet were for naught. But love... is another story entirely.
Previous (and first) Chapter: o0o-faor-o0o.livejournal.com/572.html
Original Post: www.fanfiction.net/s/4980333/2/The_Lady_In_Black
Disclaimer: I do not own the Kingdom Hearts franchise or any characters or events that align with those of the series, and do not claim to do so. I also do not claim to own any copyrighted items, any items not copyrighted but still owned by another party, any real locations I may mention, or crossed-over characters I may incorporate. This fiction is based off of a section of the song by Death Cab for Cutie entitled, I Will Follow You into the Dark. I do own this story, the plot, and any original characters or locations I create.
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“If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied, / illuminate the no’s on their vacancy signs; / if there’s no one beside you when your soul embarks, / then I’ll follow you into the dark.” Rocking his head in time with the chorus, Riku pressed his headphones against his ears. There was no need to; he was lying on his bed, surrounded by silence. The only other occupant of the house, Riku’s father, was still at the clinic. (Apparently, some insurance company served poorly prepared burritos at a fundraising function, and now Riku’s father had to put in some overtime to deal with the food poisoned attendees.) Riku had no siblings, no pet, no broken radiator that buzzed so loud that its drone could be heard throughout the house, and his bedroom was the farthest room from the street.
So, silence.
And yet, as he thought of his afternoon, Riku pressed his headphones even closer. The action managed to stifle the haunting stillness that bothered the faired-haired teen whenever he was home alone; however, the music could do little to muffle the confusion and unwanted fear that churned Riku’s innards.
Everyone knew that there had to queer students in the school, and everyone suspected Riku as being one of them. But all suspicions were discussed in whispers with the closest of friends. Even within Riku’s circle of intimates, who were aware of his and Sora’s almost relationship, all talk about who was or was not queer was hushed. So to have Riku blurt it out like that… The fair-haired teen groaned. What was he thinking? Or better yet: was he even thinking? Did he even stop to consider how much danger he put himself into? Riku had no doubt that someone would try something; and although Riku could defend himself, there was always the possibility that his friends could be targeted. What would he do if Sora got hurt simply because he could not control his anger?
But what was Riku even angry at? Lady Ifrit? It was not like Riku never witnessed bigotry as blatant as hers before. So… how did one octogenarian manage to set him off like that? One minute he was holding Sora’s hand and the next-
Sora.
That was it, wasn’t it?
Sora. Riku had been annoyed with their relationship (or lack there of), especially in light of QT, which Sora must have advocated for. Something just seemed so contradictory about the situation. The brunet was comfortable enough to support queer rights to everyone, but could not really kiss Riku in private. Not that Riku wanted a relationship only for the physical benefits. He could have renounced sex forever if only Sora would offer something Riku missed dearly: chaste sensuality. Yes, Riku loved the brief touches here and there, but they always felt so forced; so superficial; so staged.
Riku understood what he wanted, but how well did he really understand Sora’s intentions? Riku thought he knew everything about his friend, but now, he was not quite sure of anything anymore. After all, he had thought that he would never come out at Yunalesca; and yet, here he was, having to deal with the consequences of doing just that. Was Sora just… leading Riku on? The fair-haired teen hated to even think that of Sora, but he couldn’t disregard the thought. The more he reviewed the situation, the more convinced the teen became. Riku had been the one to initiate the pseudo-relationship. Maybe Sora never planned on it lasting for so long, and if he had known, he would have let Riku down right then and there.
From within his pocket, Riku’s cell phone began to vibrate. It was only a short burst of action, meaning that someone had texted him. The teen pulled the cell out, sliding it open to read the message.
It was Sora. “Where are you?”
Riku twisted his headphones’ wire as he read the text, pondering. Should he bother to answer it? Was he even ready to talk to Sora? Although he knew he shouldn’t have, Riku selected Text Reply. “I’m at home. Why?”
As he waited for Sora’s next text, the fair-haired teen twisted the wire on his headphones. (He was still listening to his music.) He instantly regretted the reply. He had not thought through all his emotions and thoughts about the situation; what was he doing talking to Sora?
Sora’s response came in a succession of many short texts. Condensed, they said, “Here I was, worried sick about you. I thought Ifrit had murdered you in her office or something.” (As a note, both Riku and Sora wrote in full sentences in their texts. They both felt that anyone who wrote “r” for “are” was extremely lazy, especially if they had a phone with a keyboard.)“Did you not think it polite to, I don’t know, TELL ME WHERE AND HOW YOU ARE? Whatever. I’m willing to ignore your rudeness. Just… Riku, what happened? Are you suspended? She can’t suspend you for something like that. Can she? Did she call your dad? No, she definitely can’t do that. I think it’s actually illegal to tell parents that. She knows better than to do that. Right? I mean, not that your dad wouldn’t understand. He’s too nice. Why aren’t you speaking? I know I’m rambling here, but I’m just so worried, Riku. Are you there? Please, Riku, answer at least one of my questions!
Riku silently read Sora’s frantic texts, unsure of exactly what to do. It was his insecurity again. The fair-haired teen knew Sora would always be his best friend, but it was all the other things that pained him. Confused him. Sora didn’t seem willing to offer Riku the committed relationship he so desired. And if Sora was unwilling, why was Riku even trying?
Deciding to be brutally direct, Riku slowly punched in, “Do you love me, Sora?” and sent it.
After the first few seconds, Riku’s anxiety heightened to a level he had never previously felt. An acknowledgement of love would be short. Possibly “Of course I love you!” or “You aren’t wasting your time with me, Riku. I love you.” If Sora loved Riku, the brunet would not be able to contain his exclamation. And because it was Sora, a rejection would be long. The younger boy was so kind, and polite. There would be an explanation that was as apologetic as it was honest and firm. The ending note would be gentle, but heartbreaking nevertheless: “I really wish I could, Riku, but I don’t love you. I’m sorry.”
Putting the phone down on his stomach, Riku once again pressed his headphones harshly against his ears. That was it. He lost Sora. Actually, he never even had Sora. The past few months had been a mere illusion. How pathetic. Absolutely pathetic. Pathetic, that’s all Riku was. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic-
Riku’s cell began to vibrate again. There was his rejection. Readying himself for the worst, Riku read the message: “Why do you ask?”
“What?” Riku reread the text several more times until he firmly decided that Sora’s response was not a real answer. But no matter how annoyed he could be at Sora for asking his own question, Riku knew he brought it on himself. So, even as the “Pathetic” mantra continued to ring through his mind, the fair-haired teen texted, “It’s a simple yes or no question. Do you love me?”
There was another long pause. “I still don’t understand why.”
Riku frowned. “Don’t play dumb.”
“I’m not.”
Riku wasn’t hesitating anymore. He was working on impulse, and on impulse, he wrote, “You’re so distant, Sora. I can barely touch you without you jumping. I just… need to know if I’m fooling myself into thinking you want me as much as I do you.” Immediately after he sent the text, the teen realized what he had just written. He didn’t want to be the first to say something so… embarrassing, especially since he wasn’t sure whether his feelings would be reciprocated. And even worse, now that Sora knew everything, their friendship wouldn’t, nor could, be the same. Everything was ruined.
The cell vibrated. Out of sheer masochism, the devastated teen picked up the phone again. When he slid it open, he was caught off guard when the screen did not show the text menu. Instead, it showed that the line was connecting to “Sora cell.” Horrified, Riku sat up as cusses flowed from his mouth in one, steady stream. Oh, no. Oh, no! Riku had about three seconds to come up with something to do, and unfortunately, instead of hanging up, he pulled his headphones off and replaced it with his phone.
As soon as he did, he heard the last thing he would have ever, ever expected to hear from his younger friend: “I had syphilis.”
At first, Riku thought that he had imagined it. He knew that Sora was no virgin. But neither was Riku. Apparently, they had reacted to discovering they were queer in exactly the same way: with a year or so of “experimenting.” Then, once tired with the closeted life, they finally confided in each other, and within a week they arrived at their current arrangement. It took Riku two days after their first kiss to get tested. He knew everything would come out negative (he carefully screened all his partners, always was protected, and had routine tests), but he just wanted to be sure. Never in his wildest dreams would Riku have thought it necessary to question whether Sora was clean. That day’s assembly was making him hear things. It must have been, because Sora with a STI was ridiculous. It just couldn’t be.
But… it was. Sora had had syphilis.
Riku couldn’t formulate words at first, but Sora waited for him. Eventually, after a silence that must have lasted a few minutes, the fair-haired teen managed to breathe, “You’re serious.”
Letting out a lame laugh, Sora muttered, “Yeah. Serious.”
“Do you still…”
“No! Not for a couple months.”
Relieved to hear that the brunet had been treated, Riku whispered, “How?”
Another laugh. “How else, Riku? I’ve done a lot of stupid, foolish”-Sora let out a hollow sigh-“unprotected things. I was so scared, and-and stupid! I let them take advantage of my confusion and… I knew it too! I just wanted someone-some boy-any boy to want me. I didn’t know how to say no to them. And then, that day, that amazing day, you came out to me… I was so happy. And although I knew I shouldn’t make assumptions, I assumed so much for us. For about an hour, I had everything planned out for us. Everything seemed so great!” The brunet paused again, but Riku was too flabbergasted to take the opportunity to say something. “And then I remembered. I remembered that I had done all those stupid, stupid things, and that I could have had anything. I thought telling you I was gay would be the hardest thing I would ever have to do, but I was so wrong. I kept imagining getting the results and finding that I had something incurable, like HIV or something. I was absolutely terrified.”
Realization hit Riku. “Is that why you didn’t let me get close? You thought you might… pass something onto me?”
“Yeah.”
“Why didn’t you tell me, Sora? You know me better than to think I would abandon you for something like that.”
“I wasn’t exactly rational at the time.”
“I still deserved to know.”
“I know. I-I know I screwed up. I was going to tell you, but when I finally built up the courage and went over your house, you were at swimming practice. It was so embarrassing that I started to cry just as your father walked in. And he was so sweet, and I couldn’t help but tell him.”
“Wait, you told my dad and not me?”
“He’s a doctor! And he happened to be there. And he knew how to help. He made some arrangements at the clinic and had the tests performed without telling my parents. Don’t be angry with him.”
“I’m not. But I still don’t understand something. You said you’ve been treated. Why are you still uncomfortable being affectionate with me?”
Sora let out a disgruntled hiss. “Hey, this isn’t all about me. I had a reason to be distant, at first. You just never tried. I thought that you either were scared to be too forward, were too respectful to do anything first, or-worst case scenario-you were too polite to tell me you didn’t actually want to be with me and all those kisses didn’t mean anything to you.” The older teen shook his head, hearing that Sora thought the same things of Riku that Riku had thought of him.
“This is crazy.”
Riku could hear Sora hesitate before the brunet asked, “Are you angry with me?”
“No,” the fair-haired boy answered automatically.
“Are you… disgusted with me?”
“Of course not, Sora. I’m not that kind of person.”
“Good, good. But do… do…” Sora said the rest of his sentence so quietly that Riku needed to ask the younger boy to repeat himself. “Do you still want me?”
The fair-haired teen smiled. “I’ll answer your question if you answer mine.” “What?” “Do you love me?”
Sora groaned. “Don’t make me say it.”
“I think you have to,” Riku teased. His mirth was short-lived, however, when he heard the line disconnect. The teen looked at his cell incredulously until it began to vibrate again for the umpteenth time. It was another text.
“Is your dad home?”
“You hung up on me!”
“Is-your-dad-home?”
“NO, but that isn’t the point. No one hangs up on me!” Riku expected some witty comeback, but was surprised when he received no response. The now irritated fair-haired teen slid the cell back into his pocket and brought his headphones back over his ears. Interestingly, the same song he had heard some time ago was playing again. It was an eerie coincidence, so much so that Riku was half-convinced that he had imagined everything that had happened between this and the last time he had heard the song. But… no. It all happened. The conversation actually happened, Sora actually had a STI, and Riku actually came out to all of Saint Yunalesca.
So lost in his musings, Riku didn’t hear his bedroom door open, shut and lock. It was only until he felt his bed dip as someone sat on it that Riku’s attention was brought back to reality. He happened to be looking at the other’s shirt, and immediately recognized him as Sora. The brunet sat on his knees in front of Riku, both of whom were still wearing their school uniforms. When he finally made eye contact with Sora, what Riku saw caught him off guard. Spiraling within Sora’s crisp, blue eyes was a determination that the older teen had never witnessed from the brunet. Riku had no clue how to respond to, or even how to feel about, the other’s sudden appearance; but something within him-something deep, deep, deep inside-knew better than to question it.
When Riku began to pull his headphones away from his ears, Sora shook his head, effectively stopping the older teen. Taking an exaggerated inhale, Sora blushed as he said something-something short. Riku couldn’t really read lips, but still felt the gravity of what had just transpired. He smiled and began to mouth what he thought Sora had said, but was cut off by Sora’s lips.
Just as they always did, Sora and Riku separated after a few seconds of contact. It was such an automatic action that Riku shook his head, chuckling. Deciding to take the initiative, Riku brought his previously sedentary hands to either side of Sora’s neck to hold it in place. Eyes half-lidded, Riku watched as Sora’s eyes slid shut before following the other boy’s lead. Both artificially blind and deaf, Riku leaned forward and captured the other’s lips once again.
Their mouths moved slowly-experimentally-against each other as if they had never kissed anyone before. That is not to say their kiss was amateurish: both teens knew how to breathe correctly; how to control their lips for optimal enjoyment; and how only a little tongue action was required for a good kiss. Still, something felt so… new. Maybe it was because they had been waiting for so long, or maybe it was because they knew that their attraction to one another was so much more than anything they had ever felt before. Whatever the cause, the two teens continued their kiss enthusiastically, allowing their hands to thread through hair and wander under shirts.
They eventually ended up with Riku lying on his back and Sora on top of him, both with shirts undone and pushed open. It was an interesting experience for them both, but for Riku, it was especially strange. Because of the music that still blasted in his ears (he attempted to take off his headphones multiple times, but Sora refused to let him), Riku could not hear anything that escaped from his or Sora’s mouth. Every gasp-sigh-moan-breath belonged only to the brunet. Yet he couldn’t find it in himself to be upset with Sora’s greediness; no, he was far from upset. Riku would have been too self-conscious to make any noise if he could hear himself, and he suspected Sora would feel the same way if Riku could hear him. So, instead of worrying about how vocal he was, Riku let himself get lost within Sora’s languid embrace. It wasn’t that hard of a task, especially once Riku decided to keep his eyes shut. All he could sense was Sora-Sora-Sora. The fair-haired boy continuously moved his hands around Sora’s lithe body-from the brunet’s inner thighs to his shoulder blades to the small of his back-to assess its shape and movement. Actually, it was the older teen’s touch that influenced change in his companion; just a breeze of Riku’s fingers against his flesh was enough for Sora to shiver and somehow alter his position. To be able to influence those minute transformations was invigoratingly sensual for Riku, who had grown accustomed to raw dominance in intimate settings. He knew that this-this kiss, this relationship-was not about control; or who was on top; or whether or not Sora was the “woman.” Neither he nor Sora cared about such frivolous things.
It was-and always had been, and always would be-just about this: teasing each other’s lips; a gentle touch to the hip; and the succinct sense of unity the two teens felt as they exchanged muffled breaths.
Riku knew that if he didn’t want things to escalate, he would have to stop soon. Not out of moral obligation, per se, but because he could feel his control at the edge of its threshold. His heart was already racing, and that singular embarrassing warmth was building in his stomach. There were just too many sensations to stifle; too many emotions to keep in check. The romantic in him wanted to just get naked, lube up, and throw everything to the wind; but Riku, too levelheaded, knew he could never do that. Many months ago, he set up rules for exactly this kind of situation, and even Sora wouldn’t be enough to tempt the older teen.
Even without Riku giving some sort of terminating signal, the brunet understood that his companion’s mood had changed, and that with it came the end to the possibility of the kiss intensifying, or even lasting much longer. Sora slowed his movements in anticipation as Riku turned off his music. With one last stroke to the seat of the brunet’s pants, Riku brought one hand to his headphones and removed them, simultaneously opening his eyes. The shock of having both his hearing and sight restored was momentarily dizzying, but Riku had enough sense to continue moving his lips in time with Sora’s-knowing it wouldn’t last for long, but still loving every second of it.
Slowly-ever so slowly-the teen still straddling Riku pressed one last kiss onto the older boy’s lips. As the brunet shifted so he could lay his head on his companion’s chest, Riku mumbled, “It has nothing to do with what you told me. I just… have a certain procedure when it comes to things like this. I can’t make an exception, even for you.”
Sora ran two fingers down Riku’s side. “Don’t worry about it. I understand. Was kind of hoping you would stop it.”
“Really? Why?”
“I want to do things right with you-especially since I’m going to spend the rest of my life with you,” the brunet said casually into the fair-haired teen’s flesh, as if muffling his declaration would be enough to make it a little less… humiliating. Riku, glad he wasn’t the only one with high hopes for their future, decided not to comment on Sora’s wishful statement, letting it gain credibility as it sat in the air around them.
In an attempt to lighten the mood, and out of his own curiosity, Riku asked, “Sora?”-“Yes?”-“What would you have done if I hadn’t stopped?”
Sora laughed, “You really want to know?” Riku smiled. “Well…” The brunet rolled off Riku, who turned onto his side to give the other teen more room to lie down. As Sora put his head on Riku’s pillow, the older boy relaxed, enjoying the intimate proximity that was so radically different from that which they had shared only a few moments before. “I’m not the type of person who calculates everything I’m going to do, so I would just go with plain, old instinct. I guess, um, I would have let the kissing continue a little longer and-and… uh… You know what? Never mind. This is too weird.”
Riku did his best impression of a pout (he wasn’t one to pout), saying “Come on. I want to know how you were going to blow my mind.” Sora groaned and plugged his face back into Riku’s chest, going so far as to cover part of his face and hair with the edge of the fair-haired teen’s shirt. “Fine. Do mind if I tell you how things would have happened?”
Riku had offered as a joke, and was more than surprised when he received a hesitant nod of approval. Unwilling to deny Sora, the fair-haired teen took a moment to think of what he was going to say before clearing his throat. “Okay. So… we’re kissing, and, uh, we’ve been kissing for so long that I can barely imagine breathing without quickly returning to your lips again. Your hands have barely moved from the place they were when we started-one’s in my hair and the other’s at my neck; but my hands can’t stop exploring, moving to the beat of whatever song is playing in my ears. Eventually, they end up right here”-Riku dragged his fingers up the back of Sora’s thighs until he felt the brunet shiver-“and we know that we want-need more. Neither of us can say it, but we know.
“You press your body closer and closer until I can almost feel the blood begin to rush down…. down… down… and concentrate just above where my body is collecting its own warmth. I’m…” Riku inhaled in an attempt to extinguish all the awkwardness he felt from his voice. “I’m hard first. We try to ignore it, but you shift in just the right way to make me go crazy. I thrust, I hiss, and I tell you things I can’t hear and can’t remember a second later. You stop. Your lips move away, as does the rest of your body. I’m afraid; did I say something wrong? I consider opening my eyes to see where you’ve gone, but before I do, you return, sitting between my legs instead of on them. You take too long to come back and kiss me again, so I sit up and find your lips. You’re enthusiastic but something’s different, and I think it’s about whatever I said. I apologize into your mouth, asking what I did wrong. The music suddenly stops, and I open my eyes. You’re serious and I’m scared again-horny, but scared. You ask me if I really want you, and I can’t help but laugh. ‘Of course. Always.’
“The music’s back on, my eyes close, and we’re pulling our clothes off as quickly as we can. Next time, we’ll take our time, savor each shirt-sock-tie as it hits the floor, but now, we rush. Would have taken less time if I didn’t have the headphones on, but now I refuse to let you take them off. You’re frustrated, so I admit that I don’t actually think we’re doing this. That I could be making a fool out of myself in front of the entire school one second, and then be with you the next. The music-the beat, drums, guitars, the songs I don’t really pay attention to-keeps me from being overwhelmed.
“Closing my eyes is just me being kinky.
“Not sure if what I say makes sense, but eventually, you don’t care anymore because we’re both fully naked. I reach out to embrace you as the pads of your fingers trace the V of my pelvis. We sit for a while, kissing, touching, teasing each other’s cocks. I want to look at you, at the body I’ve craved and dreamt about for so, so long, but I don’t peek because the temptation is so damn erotic. Everything’s erotic. I want more. I want everything. I want you.
“I beg. We kiss. I tell you to get my lube-it’s in the far right corner of my top drawer. You don’t even get up, but it’s in my left hand, along with two condoms. Must have been what you got before, when you left me for a moment an eternity ago. We kiss again, quick and to the point; seems we’re both getting desperate. You begin to spread your legs, lay back, ready for me to take you and make you scream ‘til I can hear you even with the music blasting in my ears. Barely get halfway down before I stop you. This isn’t what I dreamt about, not for the first time. Surprise. ‘Cause when I said I wanted everything, I meant it. I want you to fill me and make me feel whole, because I don’t know what it’s like to be complete. Even before I slept with a bunch of guys ‘cause I thought I could never get you, even before I lost my mom, I was missing something, and I know you can make me feel right.
“I hold out the bottle of lube, but you don’t take it. I wonder if I’m being greedy. Maybe you dreamt the same thing I did; only positions are switched. I’m ashamed and embarrassed, and am about to open my eyes and get dressed when you take the lube. You lean toward me, and with your hand on my shoulder, I’m pushed back.
“I’m on my back again, now naked, hot, and mostly erect. My body’s curved, and one leg drapes over your shoulder. I’m shaking, and I can’t tell if it’s because of anticipation, nerves, pleasure, or something else entirely. I beg again. I shout that you can barely know how much I want you to fill me, love me. I barely finish speaking when two, slick fingers tease my entrance. I shiver, but I’m sure I make no sound other than a deep exhale. I’m silent as you trace the ring, and even when you slide your fingers in, I only gasp. You must think it odd. I was so vocal before; why be quiet now? I’m just so lost in the sensations, and lost in the music that still blasts in my ears. You scissor, and I shiver some more. Once another finger is added, I break my statuesque stoicism. I rise so that the whole length of your three fingers fills me. I need more, so I clutch the bed sheet as I lift even higher. Still no moaning, but my breathing is erratic and heavy. You’re greedy too. You want to hear me cry out, so you stretch and scissor until your fingers breeze very, very close my prostate. I spasm and scream; you make me feel so complete. Did I tell you that? Absolutely complete.
“You’re satisfied now, and you remove your nimble fingers. Your hand is at my left one, trying to open it. Trying to get at the condoms. I laugh, and throw them across the room. You must be annoyed, so I quickly explain myself. See, Sora, I don’t plan on using them with you. Ever. I don’t want to, and never will if I can help it. When we start, I want to make sure you’re clean, because after that, I’m willing to expose myself to every STI out there by not using protection. Because I trust you not to sleep around. I don’t-and will never-hold anyone else in this esteem. So don’t betray me. Ever. Besides, I’ll tell you as I lie naked in front of you, do you honestly think I would have let you prepare me without some sort of glove if I had been planning on using a condom? You hesitate to continue, but I need you to fill me. Don’t make me beg again. Please don’t. I hate begging.
“I stutter your name when the lubed head of your bare erection enters. You clutch onto my right hip and left knee, your nails already digging into my flesh. I want everything immediately and try to rise up again, but you hold me down. I need more, more, more-You press a little deeper. Just fill me already. I’m so broken and alone, and I don’t know what it’s like to be whole. Teach me. Teach me. Love me. I know you don’t want to hurt me, but I’m so impatient. Later I’ll thank you for your restraint, but for now, just move a little quicker. Please, please, please. And then you do. You don’t wait to hasten the pace, and you’re so hard and fresh.
“My neglected cock weeps as I cry with delight, but it goes forgotten for some more time: you’re too busy keeping your balance and pace as you pound me, and I’m too busy keeping my eyes shut. But I’m getting close, and think you are too. I tighten around you and tell you to touch me. You ignore my request, and I’m so desperate that I detach a hand from the bed sheet and reach to relieve myself. I barely pump before you capture my wrist and pull it away. I try with the other hand but you collect it with the same fingers that trap its companion. You pin them somewhere next to my neck, and I’m too excited to offer much resistance. Your name spills out of me again and again. I can’t stop. I’m such a mess. Hope you don’t think poorly of me.
“I suddenly hear your voice, my moans, and your erratic breathing. You pushed off my headphones with the hand by my neck. I freeze and tense up, which causes me to tighten around you even more, which excites you and causes you to call my name, which excites me and causes me to moan your name. You tell me to open my eyes; we’re almost done; it’s time to feel everything. Frankly, I’m terrified, but I do as you suggested. Everything’s so overwhelming, blurred, and still very, very erotic. You release my wrists, and my hands fly-one to your bicep and the other to my erection. Your hands clutch onto my shoulders, giving you all the leverage you need to bury yourself deep, deep, deep inside.
“And then, we come. And it was over.”
There was silence in Riku’s room. The television downstairs wasn’t on; Riku’s father still hadn’t come home yet; and there was no broken radiator that buzzed so loud that its drone could be heard throughout the house. Just… silence. The brunet still had his forehead pressed against the other teen’s bare chest, and Riku’s hand was still on Sora’s thigh. Nothing had really changed since the fair-haired boy started his tale, except that Sora’s face and breaths burned against Riku’s skin. They stayed like that for what seemed like an eternity, until Sora began to shift, move away, mumble a quick goodbye, and leave.
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Riku smiled as he looked out at the audience in front of him. The two hundred or so teenaged students tried their best to sit still and endure the grueling seminar, and they actually succeeded. There were a plethora of emotions written on their faces, but no matter what they thought of the special assembly, they all were hanging onto Lady Ifrit’s every last word. She stood at the podium again, this time to give a different kind of speech than she did just three days before.
Three days ago, the story of the aged principal’s response to Riku’s question spread like wildfire. Three days ago, Riku came out to his father, who already knew because Sora had told him he was with the fair-haired teen.
Two days ago, Riku’s father, among other outraged parents, came to the school to talk with Lady Ifrit. Two days ago, the entire school knew Riku was gay.
Yesterday, not much happened.
Today, there was an assembly after-school in which Ifrit was to apologize for her behavior, and Riku was to sit, on stage, as the junior and senior classes watched with rapt attention. So when he felt a short vibration from his pocket, Riku jumped. Who in their right mind try to text him now? And he knew he should have ignored it, but… he was so tempted. As discreetly as he could, he slipped his cell out of his pocket and opened it.
It was from Sora, a fact which made the fair-haired teen’s breath hitch. “You’re terrible, reading a text onstage. For shame, Riku, for shame.”
Riku frowned, looking out at the audience again. He could see where all his friends were, in the furthermost left row in the back, but could not make out the brunet. As he scanned the auditorium in a vague attempt to find Sora, he received another message. “I’m in the front row, right in front of you.” Taken back by the message, Riku’s eyes flashed to where Sora had directed him.
There the brunet was, smiling and giving Riku a small wave. It saddened the older teen more than it cheered him. After three days of awkward avoidance, how could Sora just… smile at him like that? Especially after the stupid, stupid, stupid, pathetic things Riku told him.
The fair-haired teen began typing something but was interrupted by a new message. “I already know what you’re going to do. Don’t.” Riku shook his head and tried to finish his text when he was interrupted, again. “Stop it!”
Riku turned to the brunet as he sent his completed message. “I’m so sorry I freaked you out. I overdid it. I don’t know what came over me. Sorry.”
Sora rolled his eyes and shook his head just as exasperatedly as Riku did. “Don’t assume things about how I feel. It’s annoying. Although-yeah-I was freaked out, don’t blame yourself. You’re intense. I knew that way before three days ago, and way before we started this, whatever “this” is. I walked away because… I was scared about something else.”
“Scared of what?”
It took Sora a couple of minutes to respond, and by the look on his face, Riku regretted asking the question. When he tried to retract his last text, Sora responded with something that hit a chord deep within Riku’s core: “I-I didn’t know if I can actually complete you.” Riku froze, unable to come up with anything in response to such a personal fear. Luckily, Sora sent another text, saving him the opportunity of thinking up something to say. “I’ve thought and thought about it, and maybe I won’t be able to give you what you deserve, but I want to try.”
“It seems we both hold each other in a rather high esteem. Look, Sora. You’re my compliment. You’re why I can love and be loved. My secret isn’t shampoo. It’s you.”
Although Riku would have liked nothing more than to watch Sora read his message, he was brought back into the reality that existed outside of him and the brunet when he heard Lady Ifrit turn to him and drawl his name. Riku slid his phone back into his pocket as he stood and approached the podium the old woman had just surrendered. This was what he was here for, yet he suddenly felt a wave of stage fright. He looked to the first row again, and was once again greeted with a smiling Sora. Riku could do this. He could.
Because-honestly-Riku was done with surrendering.
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The Beginning
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Chapter Two of two
Author: fallen-angel-of-repression
Editor: ifthedeadwerealive (not on LJ)
Series: Kingdom Hearts
Pairing: Sora/Riku
Genre: Romance/General
Word Count: 10956
Progress: Complete.
Notes: NC-17. AU. Two-shot. Originally on ff, but I've finally decided to also archive my stories here.
Summary: For Riku, coming out wasn't hard. All he needed was for one portly octogenarian to grind on his nerves, and those months of being in the closet were for naught. But love... is another story entirely.
Previous (and first) Chapter: o0o-faor-o0o.livejournal.com/572.html
Original Post: www.fanfiction.net/s/4980333/2/The_Lady_In_Black
Disclaimer: I do not own the Kingdom Hearts franchise or any characters or events that align with those of the series, and do not claim to do so. I also do not claim to own any copyrighted items, any items not copyrighted but still owned by another party, any real locations I may mention, or crossed-over characters I may incorporate. This fiction is based off of a section of the song by Death Cab for Cutie entitled, I Will Follow You into the Dark. I do own this story, the plot, and any original characters or locations I create.
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“If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied, / illuminate the no’s on their vacancy signs; / if there’s no one beside you when your soul embarks, / then I’ll follow you into the dark.” Rocking his head in time with the chorus, Riku pressed his headphones against his ears. There was no need to; he was lying on his bed, surrounded by silence. The only other occupant of the house, Riku’s father, was still at the clinic. (Apparently, some insurance company served poorly prepared burritos at a fundraising function, and now Riku’s father had to put in some overtime to deal with the food poisoned attendees.) Riku had no siblings, no pet, no broken radiator that buzzed so loud that its drone could be heard throughout the house, and his bedroom was the farthest room from the street.
So, silence.
And yet, as he thought of his afternoon, Riku pressed his headphones even closer. The action managed to stifle the haunting stillness that bothered the faired-haired teen whenever he was home alone; however, the music could do little to muffle the confusion and unwanted fear that churned Riku’s innards.
Everyone knew that there had to queer students in the school, and everyone suspected Riku as being one of them. But all suspicions were discussed in whispers with the closest of friends. Even within Riku’s circle of intimates, who were aware of his and Sora’s almost relationship, all talk about who was or was not queer was hushed. So to have Riku blurt it out like that… The fair-haired teen groaned. What was he thinking? Or better yet: was he even thinking? Did he even stop to consider how much danger he put himself into? Riku had no doubt that someone would try something; and although Riku could defend himself, there was always the possibility that his friends could be targeted. What would he do if Sora got hurt simply because he could not control his anger?
But what was Riku even angry at? Lady Ifrit? It was not like Riku never witnessed bigotry as blatant as hers before. So… how did one octogenarian manage to set him off like that? One minute he was holding Sora’s hand and the next-
Sora.
That was it, wasn’t it?
Sora. Riku had been annoyed with their relationship (or lack there of), especially in light of QT, which Sora must have advocated for. Something just seemed so contradictory about the situation. The brunet was comfortable enough to support queer rights to everyone, but could not really kiss Riku in private. Not that Riku wanted a relationship only for the physical benefits. He could have renounced sex forever if only Sora would offer something Riku missed dearly: chaste sensuality. Yes, Riku loved the brief touches here and there, but they always felt so forced; so superficial; so staged.
Riku understood what he wanted, but how well did he really understand Sora’s intentions? Riku thought he knew everything about his friend, but now, he was not quite sure of anything anymore. After all, he had thought that he would never come out at Yunalesca; and yet, here he was, having to deal with the consequences of doing just that. Was Sora just… leading Riku on? The fair-haired teen hated to even think that of Sora, but he couldn’t disregard the thought. The more he reviewed the situation, the more convinced the teen became. Riku had been the one to initiate the pseudo-relationship. Maybe Sora never planned on it lasting for so long, and if he had known, he would have let Riku down right then and there.
From within his pocket, Riku’s cell phone began to vibrate. It was only a short burst of action, meaning that someone had texted him. The teen pulled the cell out, sliding it open to read the message.
It was Sora. “Where are you?”
Riku twisted his headphones’ wire as he read the text, pondering. Should he bother to answer it? Was he even ready to talk to Sora? Although he knew he shouldn’t have, Riku selected Text Reply. “I’m at home. Why?”
As he waited for Sora’s next text, the fair-haired teen twisted the wire on his headphones. (He was still listening to his music.) He instantly regretted the reply. He had not thought through all his emotions and thoughts about the situation; what was he doing talking to Sora?
Sora’s response came in a succession of many short texts. Condensed, they said, “Here I was, worried sick about you. I thought Ifrit had murdered you in her office or something.” (As a note, both Riku and Sora wrote in full sentences in their texts. They both felt that anyone who wrote “r” for “are” was extremely lazy, especially if they had a phone with a keyboard.)“Did you not think it polite to, I don’t know, TELL ME WHERE AND HOW YOU ARE? Whatever. I’m willing to ignore your rudeness. Just… Riku, what happened? Are you suspended? She can’t suspend you for something like that. Can she? Did she call your dad? No, she definitely can’t do that. I think it’s actually illegal to tell parents that. She knows better than to do that. Right? I mean, not that your dad wouldn’t understand. He’s too nice. Why aren’t you speaking? I know I’m rambling here, but I’m just so worried, Riku. Are you there? Please, Riku, answer at least one of my questions!
Riku silently read Sora’s frantic texts, unsure of exactly what to do. It was his insecurity again. The fair-haired teen knew Sora would always be his best friend, but it was all the other things that pained him. Confused him. Sora didn’t seem willing to offer Riku the committed relationship he so desired. And if Sora was unwilling, why was Riku even trying?
Deciding to be brutally direct, Riku slowly punched in, “Do you love me, Sora?” and sent it.
After the first few seconds, Riku’s anxiety heightened to a level he had never previously felt. An acknowledgement of love would be short. Possibly “Of course I love you!” or “You aren’t wasting your time with me, Riku. I love you.” If Sora loved Riku, the brunet would not be able to contain his exclamation. And because it was Sora, a rejection would be long. The younger boy was so kind, and polite. There would be an explanation that was as apologetic as it was honest and firm. The ending note would be gentle, but heartbreaking nevertheless: “I really wish I could, Riku, but I don’t love you. I’m sorry.”
Putting the phone down on his stomach, Riku once again pressed his headphones harshly against his ears. That was it. He lost Sora. Actually, he never even had Sora. The past few months had been a mere illusion. How pathetic. Absolutely pathetic. Pathetic, that’s all Riku was. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic-
Riku’s cell began to vibrate again. There was his rejection. Readying himself for the worst, Riku read the message: “Why do you ask?”
“What?” Riku reread the text several more times until he firmly decided that Sora’s response was not a real answer. But no matter how annoyed he could be at Sora for asking his own question, Riku knew he brought it on himself. So, even as the “Pathetic” mantra continued to ring through his mind, the fair-haired teen texted, “It’s a simple yes or no question. Do you love me?”
There was another long pause. “I still don’t understand why.”
Riku frowned. “Don’t play dumb.”
“I’m not.”
Riku wasn’t hesitating anymore. He was working on impulse, and on impulse, he wrote, “You’re so distant, Sora. I can barely touch you without you jumping. I just… need to know if I’m fooling myself into thinking you want me as much as I do you.” Immediately after he sent the text, the teen realized what he had just written. He didn’t want to be the first to say something so… embarrassing, especially since he wasn’t sure whether his feelings would be reciprocated. And even worse, now that Sora knew everything, their friendship wouldn’t, nor could, be the same. Everything was ruined.
The cell vibrated. Out of sheer masochism, the devastated teen picked up the phone again. When he slid it open, he was caught off guard when the screen did not show the text menu. Instead, it showed that the line was connecting to “Sora cell.” Horrified, Riku sat up as cusses flowed from his mouth in one, steady stream. Oh, no. Oh, no! Riku had about three seconds to come up with something to do, and unfortunately, instead of hanging up, he pulled his headphones off and replaced it with his phone.
As soon as he did, he heard the last thing he would have ever, ever expected to hear from his younger friend: “I had syphilis.”
At first, Riku thought that he had imagined it. He knew that Sora was no virgin. But neither was Riku. Apparently, they had reacted to discovering they were queer in exactly the same way: with a year or so of “experimenting.” Then, once tired with the closeted life, they finally confided in each other, and within a week they arrived at their current arrangement. It took Riku two days after their first kiss to get tested. He knew everything would come out negative (he carefully screened all his partners, always was protected, and had routine tests), but he just wanted to be sure. Never in his wildest dreams would Riku have thought it necessary to question whether Sora was clean. That day’s assembly was making him hear things. It must have been, because Sora with a STI was ridiculous. It just couldn’t be.
But… it was. Sora had had syphilis.
Riku couldn’t formulate words at first, but Sora waited for him. Eventually, after a silence that must have lasted a few minutes, the fair-haired teen managed to breathe, “You’re serious.”
Letting out a lame laugh, Sora muttered, “Yeah. Serious.”
“Do you still…”
“No! Not for a couple months.”
Relieved to hear that the brunet had been treated, Riku whispered, “How?”
Another laugh. “How else, Riku? I’ve done a lot of stupid, foolish”-Sora let out a hollow sigh-“unprotected things. I was so scared, and-and stupid! I let them take advantage of my confusion and… I knew it too! I just wanted someone-some boy-any boy to want me. I didn’t know how to say no to them. And then, that day, that amazing day, you came out to me… I was so happy. And although I knew I shouldn’t make assumptions, I assumed so much for us. For about an hour, I had everything planned out for us. Everything seemed so great!” The brunet paused again, but Riku was too flabbergasted to take the opportunity to say something. “And then I remembered. I remembered that I had done all those stupid, stupid things, and that I could have had anything. I thought telling you I was gay would be the hardest thing I would ever have to do, but I was so wrong. I kept imagining getting the results and finding that I had something incurable, like HIV or something. I was absolutely terrified.”
Realization hit Riku. “Is that why you didn’t let me get close? You thought you might… pass something onto me?”
“Yeah.”
“Why didn’t you tell me, Sora? You know me better than to think I would abandon you for something like that.”
“I wasn’t exactly rational at the time.”
“I still deserved to know.”
“I know. I-I know I screwed up. I was going to tell you, but when I finally built up the courage and went over your house, you were at swimming practice. It was so embarrassing that I started to cry just as your father walked in. And he was so sweet, and I couldn’t help but tell him.”
“Wait, you told my dad and not me?”
“He’s a doctor! And he happened to be there. And he knew how to help. He made some arrangements at the clinic and had the tests performed without telling my parents. Don’t be angry with him.”
“I’m not. But I still don’t understand something. You said you’ve been treated. Why are you still uncomfortable being affectionate with me?”
Sora let out a disgruntled hiss. “Hey, this isn’t all about me. I had a reason to be distant, at first. You just never tried. I thought that you either were scared to be too forward, were too respectful to do anything first, or-worst case scenario-you were too polite to tell me you didn’t actually want to be with me and all those kisses didn’t mean anything to you.” The older teen shook his head, hearing that Sora thought the same things of Riku that Riku had thought of him.
“This is crazy.”
Riku could hear Sora hesitate before the brunet asked, “Are you angry with me?”
“No,” the fair-haired boy answered automatically.
“Are you… disgusted with me?”
“Of course not, Sora. I’m not that kind of person.”
“Good, good. But do… do…” Sora said the rest of his sentence so quietly that Riku needed to ask the younger boy to repeat himself. “Do you still want me?”
The fair-haired teen smiled. “I’ll answer your question if you answer mine.” “What?” “Do you love me?”
Sora groaned. “Don’t make me say it.”
“I think you have to,” Riku teased. His mirth was short-lived, however, when he heard the line disconnect. The teen looked at his cell incredulously until it began to vibrate again for the umpteenth time. It was another text.
“Is your dad home?”
“You hung up on me!”
“Is-your-dad-home?”
“NO, but that isn’t the point. No one hangs up on me!” Riku expected some witty comeback, but was surprised when he received no response. The now irritated fair-haired teen slid the cell back into his pocket and brought his headphones back over his ears. Interestingly, the same song he had heard some time ago was playing again. It was an eerie coincidence, so much so that Riku was half-convinced that he had imagined everything that had happened between this and the last time he had heard the song. But… no. It all happened. The conversation actually happened, Sora actually had a STI, and Riku actually came out to all of Saint Yunalesca.
So lost in his musings, Riku didn’t hear his bedroom door open, shut and lock. It was only until he felt his bed dip as someone sat on it that Riku’s attention was brought back to reality. He happened to be looking at the other’s shirt, and immediately recognized him as Sora. The brunet sat on his knees in front of Riku, both of whom were still wearing their school uniforms. When he finally made eye contact with Sora, what Riku saw caught him off guard. Spiraling within Sora’s crisp, blue eyes was a determination that the older teen had never witnessed from the brunet. Riku had no clue how to respond to, or even how to feel about, the other’s sudden appearance; but something within him-something deep, deep, deep inside-knew better than to question it.
When Riku began to pull his headphones away from his ears, Sora shook his head, effectively stopping the older teen. Taking an exaggerated inhale, Sora blushed as he said something-something short. Riku couldn’t really read lips, but still felt the gravity of what had just transpired. He smiled and began to mouth what he thought Sora had said, but was cut off by Sora’s lips.
Just as they always did, Sora and Riku separated after a few seconds of contact. It was such an automatic action that Riku shook his head, chuckling. Deciding to take the initiative, Riku brought his previously sedentary hands to either side of Sora’s neck to hold it in place. Eyes half-lidded, Riku watched as Sora’s eyes slid shut before following the other boy’s lead. Both artificially blind and deaf, Riku leaned forward and captured the other’s lips once again.
Their mouths moved slowly-experimentally-against each other as if they had never kissed anyone before. That is not to say their kiss was amateurish: both teens knew how to breathe correctly; how to control their lips for optimal enjoyment; and how only a little tongue action was required for a good kiss. Still, something felt so… new. Maybe it was because they had been waiting for so long, or maybe it was because they knew that their attraction to one another was so much more than anything they had ever felt before. Whatever the cause, the two teens continued their kiss enthusiastically, allowing their hands to thread through hair and wander under shirts.
They eventually ended up with Riku lying on his back and Sora on top of him, both with shirts undone and pushed open. It was an interesting experience for them both, but for Riku, it was especially strange. Because of the music that still blasted in his ears (he attempted to take off his headphones multiple times, but Sora refused to let him), Riku could not hear anything that escaped from his or Sora’s mouth. Every gasp-sigh-moan-breath belonged only to the brunet. Yet he couldn’t find it in himself to be upset with Sora’s greediness; no, he was far from upset. Riku would have been too self-conscious to make any noise if he could hear himself, and he suspected Sora would feel the same way if Riku could hear him. So, instead of worrying about how vocal he was, Riku let himself get lost within Sora’s languid embrace. It wasn’t that hard of a task, especially once Riku decided to keep his eyes shut. All he could sense was Sora-Sora-Sora. The fair-haired boy continuously moved his hands around Sora’s lithe body-from the brunet’s inner thighs to his shoulder blades to the small of his back-to assess its shape and movement. Actually, it was the older teen’s touch that influenced change in his companion; just a breeze of Riku’s fingers against his flesh was enough for Sora to shiver and somehow alter his position. To be able to influence those minute transformations was invigoratingly sensual for Riku, who had grown accustomed to raw dominance in intimate settings. He knew that this-this kiss, this relationship-was not about control; or who was on top; or whether or not Sora was the “woman.” Neither he nor Sora cared about such frivolous things.
It was-and always had been, and always would be-just about this: teasing each other’s lips; a gentle touch to the hip; and the succinct sense of unity the two teens felt as they exchanged muffled breaths.
Riku knew that if he didn’t want things to escalate, he would have to stop soon. Not out of moral obligation, per se, but because he could feel his control at the edge of its threshold. His heart was already racing, and that singular embarrassing warmth was building in his stomach. There were just too many sensations to stifle; too many emotions to keep in check. The romantic in him wanted to just get naked, lube up, and throw everything to the wind; but Riku, too levelheaded, knew he could never do that. Many months ago, he set up rules for exactly this kind of situation, and even Sora wouldn’t be enough to tempt the older teen.
Even without Riku giving some sort of terminating signal, the brunet understood that his companion’s mood had changed, and that with it came the end to the possibility of the kiss intensifying, or even lasting much longer. Sora slowed his movements in anticipation as Riku turned off his music. With one last stroke to the seat of the brunet’s pants, Riku brought one hand to his headphones and removed them, simultaneously opening his eyes. The shock of having both his hearing and sight restored was momentarily dizzying, but Riku had enough sense to continue moving his lips in time with Sora’s-knowing it wouldn’t last for long, but still loving every second of it.
Slowly-ever so slowly-the teen still straddling Riku pressed one last kiss onto the older boy’s lips. As the brunet shifted so he could lay his head on his companion’s chest, Riku mumbled, “It has nothing to do with what you told me. I just… have a certain procedure when it comes to things like this. I can’t make an exception, even for you.”
Sora ran two fingers down Riku’s side. “Don’t worry about it. I understand. Was kind of hoping you would stop it.”
“Really? Why?”
“I want to do things right with you-especially since I’m going to spend the rest of my life with you,” the brunet said casually into the fair-haired teen’s flesh, as if muffling his declaration would be enough to make it a little less… humiliating. Riku, glad he wasn’t the only one with high hopes for their future, decided not to comment on Sora’s wishful statement, letting it gain credibility as it sat in the air around them.
In an attempt to lighten the mood, and out of his own curiosity, Riku asked, “Sora?”-“Yes?”-“What would you have done if I hadn’t stopped?”
Sora laughed, “You really want to know?” Riku smiled. “Well…” The brunet rolled off Riku, who turned onto his side to give the other teen more room to lie down. As Sora put his head on Riku’s pillow, the older boy relaxed, enjoying the intimate proximity that was so radically different from that which they had shared only a few moments before. “I’m not the type of person who calculates everything I’m going to do, so I would just go with plain, old instinct. I guess, um, I would have let the kissing continue a little longer and-and… uh… You know what? Never mind. This is too weird.”
Riku did his best impression of a pout (he wasn’t one to pout), saying “Come on. I want to know how you were going to blow my mind.” Sora groaned and plugged his face back into Riku’s chest, going so far as to cover part of his face and hair with the edge of the fair-haired teen’s shirt. “Fine. Do mind if I tell you how things would have happened?”
Riku had offered as a joke, and was more than surprised when he received a hesitant nod of approval. Unwilling to deny Sora, the fair-haired teen took a moment to think of what he was going to say before clearing his throat. “Okay. So… we’re kissing, and, uh, we’ve been kissing for so long that I can barely imagine breathing without quickly returning to your lips again. Your hands have barely moved from the place they were when we started-one’s in my hair and the other’s at my neck; but my hands can’t stop exploring, moving to the beat of whatever song is playing in my ears. Eventually, they end up right here”-Riku dragged his fingers up the back of Sora’s thighs until he felt the brunet shiver-“and we know that we want-need more. Neither of us can say it, but we know.
“You press your body closer and closer until I can almost feel the blood begin to rush down…. down… down… and concentrate just above where my body is collecting its own warmth. I’m…” Riku inhaled in an attempt to extinguish all the awkwardness he felt from his voice. “I’m hard first. We try to ignore it, but you shift in just the right way to make me go crazy. I thrust, I hiss, and I tell you things I can’t hear and can’t remember a second later. You stop. Your lips move away, as does the rest of your body. I’m afraid; did I say something wrong? I consider opening my eyes to see where you’ve gone, but before I do, you return, sitting between my legs instead of on them. You take too long to come back and kiss me again, so I sit up and find your lips. You’re enthusiastic but something’s different, and I think it’s about whatever I said. I apologize into your mouth, asking what I did wrong. The music suddenly stops, and I open my eyes. You’re serious and I’m scared again-horny, but scared. You ask me if I really want you, and I can’t help but laugh. ‘Of course. Always.’
“The music’s back on, my eyes close, and we’re pulling our clothes off as quickly as we can. Next time, we’ll take our time, savor each shirt-sock-tie as it hits the floor, but now, we rush. Would have taken less time if I didn’t have the headphones on, but now I refuse to let you take them off. You’re frustrated, so I admit that I don’t actually think we’re doing this. That I could be making a fool out of myself in front of the entire school one second, and then be with you the next. The music-the beat, drums, guitars, the songs I don’t really pay attention to-keeps me from being overwhelmed.
“Closing my eyes is just me being kinky.
“Not sure if what I say makes sense, but eventually, you don’t care anymore because we’re both fully naked. I reach out to embrace you as the pads of your fingers trace the V of my pelvis. We sit for a while, kissing, touching, teasing each other’s cocks. I want to look at you, at the body I’ve craved and dreamt about for so, so long, but I don’t peek because the temptation is so damn erotic. Everything’s erotic. I want more. I want everything. I want you.
“I beg. We kiss. I tell you to get my lube-it’s in the far right corner of my top drawer. You don’t even get up, but it’s in my left hand, along with two condoms. Must have been what you got before, when you left me for a moment an eternity ago. We kiss again, quick and to the point; seems we’re both getting desperate. You begin to spread your legs, lay back, ready for me to take you and make you scream ‘til I can hear you even with the music blasting in my ears. Barely get halfway down before I stop you. This isn’t what I dreamt about, not for the first time. Surprise. ‘Cause when I said I wanted everything, I meant it. I want you to fill me and make me feel whole, because I don’t know what it’s like to be complete. Even before I slept with a bunch of guys ‘cause I thought I could never get you, even before I lost my mom, I was missing something, and I know you can make me feel right.
“I hold out the bottle of lube, but you don’t take it. I wonder if I’m being greedy. Maybe you dreamt the same thing I did; only positions are switched. I’m ashamed and embarrassed, and am about to open my eyes and get dressed when you take the lube. You lean toward me, and with your hand on my shoulder, I’m pushed back.
“I’m on my back again, now naked, hot, and mostly erect. My body’s curved, and one leg drapes over your shoulder. I’m shaking, and I can’t tell if it’s because of anticipation, nerves, pleasure, or something else entirely. I beg again. I shout that you can barely know how much I want you to fill me, love me. I barely finish speaking when two, slick fingers tease my entrance. I shiver, but I’m sure I make no sound other than a deep exhale. I’m silent as you trace the ring, and even when you slide your fingers in, I only gasp. You must think it odd. I was so vocal before; why be quiet now? I’m just so lost in the sensations, and lost in the music that still blasts in my ears. You scissor, and I shiver some more. Once another finger is added, I break my statuesque stoicism. I rise so that the whole length of your three fingers fills me. I need more, so I clutch the bed sheet as I lift even higher. Still no moaning, but my breathing is erratic and heavy. You’re greedy too. You want to hear me cry out, so you stretch and scissor until your fingers breeze very, very close my prostate. I spasm and scream; you make me feel so complete. Did I tell you that? Absolutely complete.
“You’re satisfied now, and you remove your nimble fingers. Your hand is at my left one, trying to open it. Trying to get at the condoms. I laugh, and throw them across the room. You must be annoyed, so I quickly explain myself. See, Sora, I don’t plan on using them with you. Ever. I don’t want to, and never will if I can help it. When we start, I want to make sure you’re clean, because after that, I’m willing to expose myself to every STI out there by not using protection. Because I trust you not to sleep around. I don’t-and will never-hold anyone else in this esteem. So don’t betray me. Ever. Besides, I’ll tell you as I lie naked in front of you, do you honestly think I would have let you prepare me without some sort of glove if I had been planning on using a condom? You hesitate to continue, but I need you to fill me. Don’t make me beg again. Please don’t. I hate begging.
“I stutter your name when the lubed head of your bare erection enters. You clutch onto my right hip and left knee, your nails already digging into my flesh. I want everything immediately and try to rise up again, but you hold me down. I need more, more, more-You press a little deeper. Just fill me already. I’m so broken and alone, and I don’t know what it’s like to be whole. Teach me. Teach me. Love me. I know you don’t want to hurt me, but I’m so impatient. Later I’ll thank you for your restraint, but for now, just move a little quicker. Please, please, please. And then you do. You don’t wait to hasten the pace, and you’re so hard and fresh.
“My neglected cock weeps as I cry with delight, but it goes forgotten for some more time: you’re too busy keeping your balance and pace as you pound me, and I’m too busy keeping my eyes shut. But I’m getting close, and think you are too. I tighten around you and tell you to touch me. You ignore my request, and I’m so desperate that I detach a hand from the bed sheet and reach to relieve myself. I barely pump before you capture my wrist and pull it away. I try with the other hand but you collect it with the same fingers that trap its companion. You pin them somewhere next to my neck, and I’m too excited to offer much resistance. Your name spills out of me again and again. I can’t stop. I’m such a mess. Hope you don’t think poorly of me.
“I suddenly hear your voice, my moans, and your erratic breathing. You pushed off my headphones with the hand by my neck. I freeze and tense up, which causes me to tighten around you even more, which excites you and causes you to call my name, which excites me and causes me to moan your name. You tell me to open my eyes; we’re almost done; it’s time to feel everything. Frankly, I’m terrified, but I do as you suggested. Everything’s so overwhelming, blurred, and still very, very erotic. You release my wrists, and my hands fly-one to your bicep and the other to my erection. Your hands clutch onto my shoulders, giving you all the leverage you need to bury yourself deep, deep, deep inside.
“And then, we come. And it was over.”
There was silence in Riku’s room. The television downstairs wasn’t on; Riku’s father still hadn’t come home yet; and there was no broken radiator that buzzed so loud that its drone could be heard throughout the house. Just… silence. The brunet still had his forehead pressed against the other teen’s bare chest, and Riku’s hand was still on Sora’s thigh. Nothing had really changed since the fair-haired boy started his tale, except that Sora’s face and breaths burned against Riku’s skin. They stayed like that for what seemed like an eternity, until Sora began to shift, move away, mumble a quick goodbye, and leave.
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Riku smiled as he looked out at the audience in front of him. The two hundred or so teenaged students tried their best to sit still and endure the grueling seminar, and they actually succeeded. There were a plethora of emotions written on their faces, but no matter what they thought of the special assembly, they all were hanging onto Lady Ifrit’s every last word. She stood at the podium again, this time to give a different kind of speech than she did just three days before.
Three days ago, the story of the aged principal’s response to Riku’s question spread like wildfire. Three days ago, Riku came out to his father, who already knew because Sora had told him he was with the fair-haired teen.
Two days ago, Riku’s father, among other outraged parents, came to the school to talk with Lady Ifrit. Two days ago, the entire school knew Riku was gay.
Yesterday, not much happened.
Today, there was an assembly after-school in which Ifrit was to apologize for her behavior, and Riku was to sit, on stage, as the junior and senior classes watched with rapt attention. So when he felt a short vibration from his pocket, Riku jumped. Who in their right mind try to text him now? And he knew he should have ignored it, but… he was so tempted. As discreetly as he could, he slipped his cell out of his pocket and opened it.
It was from Sora, a fact which made the fair-haired teen’s breath hitch. “You’re terrible, reading a text onstage. For shame, Riku, for shame.”
Riku frowned, looking out at the audience again. He could see where all his friends were, in the furthermost left row in the back, but could not make out the brunet. As he scanned the auditorium in a vague attempt to find Sora, he received another message. “I’m in the front row, right in front of you.” Taken back by the message, Riku’s eyes flashed to where Sora had directed him.
There the brunet was, smiling and giving Riku a small wave. It saddened the older teen more than it cheered him. After three days of awkward avoidance, how could Sora just… smile at him like that? Especially after the stupid, stupid, stupid, pathetic things Riku told him.
The fair-haired teen began typing something but was interrupted by a new message. “I already know what you’re going to do. Don’t.” Riku shook his head and tried to finish his text when he was interrupted, again. “Stop it!”
Riku turned to the brunet as he sent his completed message. “I’m so sorry I freaked you out. I overdid it. I don’t know what came over me. Sorry.”
Sora rolled his eyes and shook his head just as exasperatedly as Riku did. “Don’t assume things about how I feel. It’s annoying. Although-yeah-I was freaked out, don’t blame yourself. You’re intense. I knew that way before three days ago, and way before we started this, whatever “this” is. I walked away because… I was scared about something else.”
“Scared of what?”
It took Sora a couple of minutes to respond, and by the look on his face, Riku regretted asking the question. When he tried to retract his last text, Sora responded with something that hit a chord deep within Riku’s core: “I-I didn’t know if I can actually complete you.” Riku froze, unable to come up with anything in response to such a personal fear. Luckily, Sora sent another text, saving him the opportunity of thinking up something to say. “I’ve thought and thought about it, and maybe I won’t be able to give you what you deserve, but I want to try.”
“It seems we both hold each other in a rather high esteem. Look, Sora. You’re my compliment. You’re why I can love and be loved. My secret isn’t shampoo. It’s you.”
Although Riku would have liked nothing more than to watch Sora read his message, he was brought back into the reality that existed outside of him and the brunet when he heard Lady Ifrit turn to him and drawl his name. Riku slid his phone back into his pocket as he stood and approached the podium the old woman had just surrendered. This was what he was here for, yet he suddenly felt a wave of stage fright. He looked to the first row again, and was once again greeted with a smiling Sora. Riku could do this. He could.
Because-honestly-Riku was done with surrendering.
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The Beginning
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