To You I Bestow, for insuhouciance
Title: To You I Bestow
Rating: R
Word Count: 2000~
For: insuhouciance
Warnings: fem!fanxing, minor character deaths, suicide.
Summary: Yixing is the ocean, and she drags people in when they can’t swim.
Yixing is in three of Yifan’s classes. Math, AP History, and English. She sits three seats in front of Yifan in Math, two seats to the right and one seat back in AP History, and right to Yifan’s left in English.
In English, Yifan pretends she’s looking out the window, when really she’s just studying Yixing’s face. She has long, long hair that’s an inky black color, which she pulls into a tight ponytail on top of her head and pushes back with a thin purple headband. She always wears nice, ironed white button downs and tight black pants, and sometimes, when it’s warm, she’ll unbutton the two top buttons of her shirt and Yifan well see the faintest bit of pink lace poking out from underneath her top.
Yifan has dirty blonde hair that's always in a tangled bun that takes hours to comb through, and she wears too big t-shirts that always have unidentified holes and stains on them. Her jeans are always ripped and covered in pen marks, and her sneakers have been to hell and back.
Yixing is on a whole other level, friends with everyone and has perfect grades and on the cheerleading squad and the volleyball team. But she still smiles at Yifan when Yifan drops her pen or shakily hands her papers or catches her staring at her with glazed over eyes. She smiles and her eyes crinkle at the corners and Yifan has trouble breathing, face flushing and looking back down at her notes, everything scribbled on her paper a blur.
-
The first time Yifan talks to Yixing, really talks to her, it’s at the beach.
It’s a really horrible day, grey sky and huge clouds and wind howling. The waves are crashing on the shore angrily, and Yifan walks in the sand barefoot, enjoying the empty beach. Up ahead, she spots to figures standing near the water. She wonders if they’re going in the water, because, really, who would go in the water during such weather? But only one of them goes in, slowly. As she gets closer, she realizes the girl still standing on the beach is Yixing, and the person walking into the water is a girl from their Math class who’s good friends with Yixing, Junmyeon.
Yifan watches as Junmyeon wades further out in the water, pushing against the waves as if they were nothing but wind. Yixing sits down on the beach, pulling her knees to her chest and staring out at Junmyeon.
Yifan approaches her cautiously and stands there awkwardly trying to figure out what to say, but before she can say anything Yixing says, “Sit with me, Yifan.”
Yifan’s breath catches in her throat, and she scrambles to sit down next to Yixing. Yixing’s hair is down for once, and the wind makes it blow out behind her, and Yifan thinks she looks beautiful.
Yifan glances back out at the water, and Junmyeon is up to her neck, waves splashing over her head and making her short hair plaster to her pale face. Yifan jumps to her feet and makes a mad dash for the water, but before she reaches it, arms wrap around her stomach and are pulling her back.
She freezes as she realizes its Yixing. She can feel the girls thin arms tighten around her, feel her cheek press into the back of her neck and her warm breath under her ear.
“She wants to die,” Yixing whispers softly. “Let her die.”
“She wants to die?” Yifan repeats. Her heart starts racing as she see Junmyeon’s head slip under the waves.
“She’ll be happier. Let her die.”
Yixing tugs her by the shirt to sit back down on the beach. She leans her head on Yifan’s shoulder and her hair blows into Yifan’s face, and Yifan wants to worry about Junmyeon but she’s disappeared under the water and hasn’t resurfaced, and Yixing smells like vanilla and peaches and her hand slips into Yifan’s and her skin is so soft.
-
When Yifan sees Yixing on Monday, Yixing smiles at her and scoots her desk closer and talks to Yifan about the homework while Yifan repeatedly glances at Junmyeon’s empty seat.
Yixing sticks to Yifan like they’re life long best friends for the rest of the day, which Yifan is okay with, if she could only find her voice and stop from trembling every time Yixing brushed against her or smiled at her.
During lunch Yixing sits with Yifan behind the bleachers and picks at little purple flowers in the grass while Yifan eats her sandwich. She’s going on and on about flowers and florists and something about birds when Yifan finally, for the first time that day, finds her voice, and says, “Why did Junmyeon want to die?”
Yixing stills, stops tying the stems of the flowers together. She glances up at Yifan and her eyes look sad.
“A lot of my friends want to die,” Yixing says slowly. She starts to pick the petals off the flowers, one by one. “I don’t know what it is. I think it has something to do with me.”
“With you?” Yifan echoes. “You think you make them want to die?”
Yixing’s head snaps up and there’s a fire in her eyes that Yifan has never seen. “I didn’t say that.”
Yifan raises her hands up in the sign of surrender, nodding. “Yeah, sorry, that’s not what I meant… I just…”
And just like that Yixing’s face smooths out and she smiles. “It’s okay!” She says, discarding the now petal-less flower and picking up a fresh one. “Do you wanna come over after school?”
-
Yixing’s house is large and empty. There’s not much décor or even furniture, and there seems to be no one inside despite the two expensive looking cars in the driveway.
Yixing’s room is blank. That’s the only way Yifan can describe it. The walls are white. The dresser is white. Her desk is white, her bookshelves are white. Her bed is white, her sheets are white. The only things on her wall are four polaroid pictures taped above her bed. Yifan inspects them closer as she sits gingerly on the bed. All four are of the ocean, and each one has a name scribbled on the bottom. The first two are bright, sunny days, and say, in order, “Jongin” and “Kyungsoo”. The third one is not as sunny, clouds filling the blue sky, and says “Baekhyun”. The fourth one is dark, cloudy, and says “Junmyeon”. When Yifan leans closer she spots a figure sitting on the beach, facing the ocean.
“That’s me…” Yifan whispers, reaching up and touching the photo. When she turns around Yixing is staring at her.
“Yeah,” Yixing says. She sits down next to her. “I took it the other day when you weren’t looking.”
Yifan frowns and runs her fingers over Junmyeon’s name, and then over the one beside it, Baekhyun. “Who are these people?”
“Friends who wanted to die,” Yixing responds dully.
Yifan whips around, staring at her. “All of them?”
Yixing nods.
“And… they’re all gone?”
There’s a long silence. Yixing stares at Yifan and Yifan stares at the photos.
“Did you… did you meet Junmyeon after Baekhyun died?” Yifan suddenly whispers.
Yixing looks surprised. “Yes.”
“And did you meet Baekhyun after Kyungsoo died?” Yifan can feel her stomach start to twist into knots as Yixing says, “Yes.”
“Do you want to die, Yixing?”
Silence, and then, “Yes.”
Yifan swallows the lump in her throat and stands up. “I have to go.”
-
“So she’s some suicidal crazy chick. What’s the big deal? There’s plenty of those around here,” Zitao says.
Yifan sighs heavily. She’s sitting at the park with her friend Zitao, who’s hanging upside down off the monkey bars, his shirt hanging off his thin frame and exposing his chest. Yifan smacks him on the bare stomach and he falls with a yelp.
“That’s not it though,” Yifan says, sitting on one of the swings. “She’s like… not normal suicidal. I think she uses people as an outlet for her thoughts and transfers her suicidal thoughts onto them.”
“So she’s like a vampire,” Zitao says thoughtfully.
“You’re a fucking idiot, Tao,” Yifan sighs.
“No, no hear me out! Okay, so she’s like… crazy and shit and she shoves her suicidal thoughts onto some poor other person, right? That’s like how vampires suck the life out of other people so they can live.”
Yifan rolls her eyes. “Vampires suck the blood out of people, Tao, not their life.”
“It’s the same thing,” Zitao scoffs. “Basically she needs to take other peoples lives so she can have her own. And if she doesn’t, then she ends up like those she took from. Dead.”
Yifan starts to laugh, but her blood suddenly runs cold as she realizes what Zitao had said.
“Fuck,” She whispers. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”
-
Yixing makes Zitao speed to the beach, and before he’s even stopped the car she jumps out and runs towards the water, Zitao shouting after her.
She doesn’t remember quite where Junmyeon had drowned but she has a faint idea. She runs along the shore, shouting “Yixing!” over the crashing of the waves and the whistle of the wind.
About half a mile down the beach, Zitao running a few meters behind her, Yifan sees someone further out in the water. Without thinking she runs straight in, barely noticing the ice cold water seeping through her clothes. Zitao is shouting something at the shore after her, but all she can think about is getting to Yixing.
When she reaches her, Yixing’s head has gone underwater. Yifan takes a deep breath and ducks under, reaching below. Her fingers curl into what feels like hair, and she pulls. When she resurfaces, she has a handful of Yixing, who’s coughing and spluttering.
“Why would you do that?!” Yifan shouts over the roar of the waves. “What’s wrong with you?!”
“You should’ve let me die!” Yixing screams, and Yifan can tell even with her being drenched that she’s crying.
“I’m not going to let you die,” Yifan says hoarsely. She reaches up and cups Yixing’s face in her hand. “But I’m not going to die for you.”
A wave crashes over the both of them, sending them spinning further towards shore. Yifan spits out a mouthful of water and wipes her eyes, and when she opens them Yixing has her arms wrapped around her neck, laughing, the water making her mascara run down her cheeks in black streaks.
Rating: R
Word Count: 2000~
For: insuhouciance
Warnings: fem!fanxing, minor character deaths, suicide.
Summary: Yixing is the ocean, and she drags people in when they can’t swim.
Yixing is in three of Yifan’s classes. Math, AP History, and English. She sits three seats in front of Yifan in Math, two seats to the right and one seat back in AP History, and right to Yifan’s left in English.
In English, Yifan pretends she’s looking out the window, when really she’s just studying Yixing’s face. She has long, long hair that’s an inky black color, which she pulls into a tight ponytail on top of her head and pushes back with a thin purple headband. She always wears nice, ironed white button downs and tight black pants, and sometimes, when it’s warm, she’ll unbutton the two top buttons of her shirt and Yifan well see the faintest bit of pink lace poking out from underneath her top.
Yifan has dirty blonde hair that's always in a tangled bun that takes hours to comb through, and she wears too big t-shirts that always have unidentified holes and stains on them. Her jeans are always ripped and covered in pen marks, and her sneakers have been to hell and back.
Yixing is on a whole other level, friends with everyone and has perfect grades and on the cheerleading squad and the volleyball team. But she still smiles at Yifan when Yifan drops her pen or shakily hands her papers or catches her staring at her with glazed over eyes. She smiles and her eyes crinkle at the corners and Yifan has trouble breathing, face flushing and looking back down at her notes, everything scribbled on her paper a blur.
-
The first time Yifan talks to Yixing, really talks to her, it’s at the beach.
It’s a really horrible day, grey sky and huge clouds and wind howling. The waves are crashing on the shore angrily, and Yifan walks in the sand barefoot, enjoying the empty beach. Up ahead, she spots to figures standing near the water. She wonders if they’re going in the water, because, really, who would go in the water during such weather? But only one of them goes in, slowly. As she gets closer, she realizes the girl still standing on the beach is Yixing, and the person walking into the water is a girl from their Math class who’s good friends with Yixing, Junmyeon.
Yifan watches as Junmyeon wades further out in the water, pushing against the waves as if they were nothing but wind. Yixing sits down on the beach, pulling her knees to her chest and staring out at Junmyeon.
Yifan approaches her cautiously and stands there awkwardly trying to figure out what to say, but before she can say anything Yixing says, “Sit with me, Yifan.”
Yifan’s breath catches in her throat, and she scrambles to sit down next to Yixing. Yixing’s hair is down for once, and the wind makes it blow out behind her, and Yifan thinks she looks beautiful.
Yifan glances back out at the water, and Junmyeon is up to her neck, waves splashing over her head and making her short hair plaster to her pale face. Yifan jumps to her feet and makes a mad dash for the water, but before she reaches it, arms wrap around her stomach and are pulling her back.
She freezes as she realizes its Yixing. She can feel the girls thin arms tighten around her, feel her cheek press into the back of her neck and her warm breath under her ear.
“She wants to die,” Yixing whispers softly. “Let her die.”
“She wants to die?” Yifan repeats. Her heart starts racing as she see Junmyeon’s head slip under the waves.
“She’ll be happier. Let her die.”
Yixing tugs her by the shirt to sit back down on the beach. She leans her head on Yifan’s shoulder and her hair blows into Yifan’s face, and Yifan wants to worry about Junmyeon but she’s disappeared under the water and hasn’t resurfaced, and Yixing smells like vanilla and peaches and her hand slips into Yifan’s and her skin is so soft.
-
When Yifan sees Yixing on Monday, Yixing smiles at her and scoots her desk closer and talks to Yifan about the homework while Yifan repeatedly glances at Junmyeon’s empty seat.
Yixing sticks to Yifan like they’re life long best friends for the rest of the day, which Yifan is okay with, if she could only find her voice and stop from trembling every time Yixing brushed against her or smiled at her.
During lunch Yixing sits with Yifan behind the bleachers and picks at little purple flowers in the grass while Yifan eats her sandwich. She’s going on and on about flowers and florists and something about birds when Yifan finally, for the first time that day, finds her voice, and says, “Why did Junmyeon want to die?”
Yixing stills, stops tying the stems of the flowers together. She glances up at Yifan and her eyes look sad.
“A lot of my friends want to die,” Yixing says slowly. She starts to pick the petals off the flowers, one by one. “I don’t know what it is. I think it has something to do with me.”
“With you?” Yifan echoes. “You think you make them want to die?”
Yixing’s head snaps up and there’s a fire in her eyes that Yifan has never seen. “I didn’t say that.”
Yifan raises her hands up in the sign of surrender, nodding. “Yeah, sorry, that’s not what I meant… I just…”
And just like that Yixing’s face smooths out and she smiles. “It’s okay!” She says, discarding the now petal-less flower and picking up a fresh one. “Do you wanna come over after school?”
-
Yixing’s house is large and empty. There’s not much décor or even furniture, and there seems to be no one inside despite the two expensive looking cars in the driveway.
Yixing’s room is blank. That’s the only way Yifan can describe it. The walls are white. The dresser is white. Her desk is white, her bookshelves are white. Her bed is white, her sheets are white. The only things on her wall are four polaroid pictures taped above her bed. Yifan inspects them closer as she sits gingerly on the bed. All four are of the ocean, and each one has a name scribbled on the bottom. The first two are bright, sunny days, and say, in order, “Jongin” and “Kyungsoo”. The third one is not as sunny, clouds filling the blue sky, and says “Baekhyun”. The fourth one is dark, cloudy, and says “Junmyeon”. When Yifan leans closer she spots a figure sitting on the beach, facing the ocean.
“That’s me…” Yifan whispers, reaching up and touching the photo. When she turns around Yixing is staring at her.
“Yeah,” Yixing says. She sits down next to her. “I took it the other day when you weren’t looking.”
Yifan frowns and runs her fingers over Junmyeon’s name, and then over the one beside it, Baekhyun. “Who are these people?”
“Friends who wanted to die,” Yixing responds dully.
Yifan whips around, staring at her. “All of them?”
Yixing nods.
“And… they’re all gone?”
There’s a long silence. Yixing stares at Yifan and Yifan stares at the photos.
“Did you… did you meet Junmyeon after Baekhyun died?” Yifan suddenly whispers.
Yixing looks surprised. “Yes.”
“And did you meet Baekhyun after Kyungsoo died?” Yifan can feel her stomach start to twist into knots as Yixing says, “Yes.”
“Do you want to die, Yixing?”
Silence, and then, “Yes.”
Yifan swallows the lump in her throat and stands up. “I have to go.”
-
“So she’s some suicidal crazy chick. What’s the big deal? There’s plenty of those around here,” Zitao says.
Yifan sighs heavily. She’s sitting at the park with her friend Zitao, who’s hanging upside down off the monkey bars, his shirt hanging off his thin frame and exposing his chest. Yifan smacks him on the bare stomach and he falls with a yelp.
“That’s not it though,” Yifan says, sitting on one of the swings. “She’s like… not normal suicidal. I think she uses people as an outlet for her thoughts and transfers her suicidal thoughts onto them.”
“So she’s like a vampire,” Zitao says thoughtfully.
“You’re a fucking idiot, Tao,” Yifan sighs.
“No, no hear me out! Okay, so she’s like… crazy and shit and she shoves her suicidal thoughts onto some poor other person, right? That’s like how vampires suck the life out of other people so they can live.”
Yifan rolls her eyes. “Vampires suck the blood out of people, Tao, not their life.”
“It’s the same thing,” Zitao scoffs. “Basically she needs to take other peoples lives so she can have her own. And if she doesn’t, then she ends up like those she took from. Dead.”
Yifan starts to laugh, but her blood suddenly runs cold as she realizes what Zitao had said.
“Fuck,” She whispers. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”
-
Yixing makes Zitao speed to the beach, and before he’s even stopped the car she jumps out and runs towards the water, Zitao shouting after her.
She doesn’t remember quite where Junmyeon had drowned but she has a faint idea. She runs along the shore, shouting “Yixing!” over the crashing of the waves and the whistle of the wind.
About half a mile down the beach, Zitao running a few meters behind her, Yifan sees someone further out in the water. Without thinking she runs straight in, barely noticing the ice cold water seeping through her clothes. Zitao is shouting something at the shore after her, but all she can think about is getting to Yixing.
When she reaches her, Yixing’s head has gone underwater. Yifan takes a deep breath and ducks under, reaching below. Her fingers curl into what feels like hair, and she pulls. When she resurfaces, she has a handful of Yixing, who’s coughing and spluttering.
“Why would you do that?!” Yifan shouts over the roar of the waves. “What’s wrong with you?!”
“You should’ve let me die!” Yixing screams, and Yifan can tell even with her being drenched that she’s crying.
“I’m not going to let you die,” Yifan says hoarsely. She reaches up and cups Yixing’s face in her hand. “But I’m not going to die for you.”
A wave crashes over the both of them, sending them spinning further towards shore. Yifan spits out a mouthful of water and wipes her eyes, and when she opens them Yixing has her arms wrapped around her neck, laughing, the water making her mascara run down her cheeks in black streaks.