the outer banks

[fantomfreak13]

i've recently been having the craving to write (thats a mouth full) so i decided to tonight, my first night back from break. i learned a lot about myself in this past week. things i thought were dead in me were awoken and perceptions i had were broken. shh i know that rhymed. i dont know what i even want to say here. i just feel like theres a lot of chaos in me and that i need to release it in someway. i hate the feeling of being restless. blah........ maybe ill just do a stream of consciousness to get me going. well first off, the obsession thing happened again. i realized that there are just certain traits about them that i am just extremely drawn to. i have no idea what it is but i want to talk to them 24/7 and be their best friend right now. i dont get it. i really just dont understand where it comes from or why it happens. why this strange attraction? it always blows up in my face too. they always get creeped out after a week of me being like HEY HI HI! soooo i hope i can restrain myself enough to not fuck anything up. suzie said something to me this break that really made me change my perception of myself. during one of our drunken nights, i said that i secretly think im cold hearted. i really do. with people ive grown up with i feel like im so shut off to them and that they dont really know me. i dont know why that is. thats how i feel i am with my family and i dont know how to change. suzie said i wasnt, however. that kind of shocked me because i feel like im being cold but maybe im not. maybe i have the illusion that i am so hard to understand but really im not. i dont think thats a bad thing, its just weird to find out that maybe you arent such a mystery after all. you really arent hiding that much from the world. thats ok with me though because i dont like hiding things from anyone. i realized thats why i dont like flirting. i feel like flirting is just falsely presenting feelings and that if i really liked someone i should be able to be honest with them. things unfortunately dont work out like that. this really brings me to my next worry, jeremy. im really interested and its so so so hard trying to keep myself in check and wait around for him to make moves, knowing that he probably wont. sometimes i wonder what the point is because none of this goes anywhere for me so why try? maybe thats it though, maybe i shouldnt try. im scared not to though. im scared that if i stop trying ill lose all chance. you know whats weird? i felt so out of place coming back here. i really didnt want to be back, but now that i saw everyone im really glad to. at first i was scared because i didnt want to feel like that again, so out of place. in reality i think everything is changing. im starting to feel more at home here than in wilmette.

when was the first time you knew your home wasnt your home anymore?
when i went to visit backstage and i was no longer welcome. that was odd. i realized i had no place anymore. it was rather sad. thats ok though, thats how life moves. a continual wave pushing your influence slowly out.

im so scared im a stalker. really im pretty terrified. maybe thats why im a psych major, they always said people became that to find out whats wrong with themselves. i dont believe that with me though. i really did want to be a psychologist so i understood people better than they did themselves. i dont know if that made sense but i hope it did.

i miss all my friends from home. it was just so nice seeing them.

i feel better writing this. more free and in control.

brian eno is a genius.

alright off to bed. ttyl