Failure, always the best way to learn
I find myself these days wanting to break out of my shell more than ever. I held myself back for so long in high school that I feel like im exploding with things I want to do now. I just have this huge urge to go out and experience life. Sometimes I do feel like I missed out on a lot, but at the same time I don't at all. Recently i've just been stuck in the thought of being behind in everything. Emotionally, mentally, experience wise. I'm trying desperately to catch up but im not so sure its working all that well. I just really want to go and explore Europe and find myself. I "knew" who I was for so long that I forgot what its like to be in this stage. In psych we are learning development and I feel like I stoppered mine by being so anti everything. I don't really mean that in the sense of drugs and alcohol. It's more like every day stuff. Going out even though I shouldn't, make-up/well fitting clothes, letting myself experience each day. Before I was just so worried about everything, but I have seemed to mellow out. I'm glad that I have that skill now because I've lost so many others. I hope I get my shit together soon. I think this summer I'm really going to work on finding myself again. Here I just literally have no time. I have so much work for classes that I have no time to think. BLAH. Oh well. Welcome to the real world neo.
I find myself not meeting up to my own expectations a lot and thats really upsetting. I don't know whats wrong with me sometimes. I just can't sit/focus and get my work done. I hate that because its making my grades suffer. I really really really want to do well but something inside me feels that no matter how hard I try, I can never be a straight A student. That scares me. I'm so afraid to fail and find out maybe I actually am stupid just like I thought. It sucks having a fucking genius sister sometimes. Thats all you get compared to. I just want to be smart for me and I can't even do that. It really makes me upset sometimes. I don't know. I really have to figure something out.
Boy situation: non existent. Isnt that the theme of my life? I find it interesting that this year when I think im finally ready to have a relationship, there aren't any decent straight guys around me. Unfortunately the only smart interesting guys are the gay ones, ain't that life. Seriously. Why do all the straight guys here have to be freaking douche bags. We have the top music school and business school in the country. We are a liberal school. SO WHERE THE HELL ARE THE SMART LIBERAL GUYS? I just get so frustrated because I feel like I don't really meet that many people and when I do meet a few good ones they aren't interested in me. That makes me doubt myself a lot. I don't what I'm looking for anymore. I feel like im scratching at the door waiting for my chance. Waiting for someone to let me in. Maybe that will happen soon, who knows.
Anyway, back to english. Of course I did this instead.
I find myself not meeting up to my own expectations a lot and thats really upsetting. I don't know whats wrong with me sometimes. I just can't sit/focus and get my work done. I hate that because its making my grades suffer. I really really really want to do well but something inside me feels that no matter how hard I try, I can never be a straight A student. That scares me. I'm so afraid to fail and find out maybe I actually am stupid just like I thought. It sucks having a fucking genius sister sometimes. Thats all you get compared to. I just want to be smart for me and I can't even do that. It really makes me upset sometimes. I don't know. I really have to figure something out.
Boy situation: non existent. Isnt that the theme of my life? I find it interesting that this year when I think im finally ready to have a relationship, there aren't any decent straight guys around me. Unfortunately the only smart interesting guys are the gay ones, ain't that life. Seriously. Why do all the straight guys here have to be freaking douche bags. We have the top music school and business school in the country. We are a liberal school. SO WHERE THE HELL ARE THE SMART LIBERAL GUYS? I just get so frustrated because I feel like I don't really meet that many people and when I do meet a few good ones they aren't interested in me. That makes me doubt myself a lot. I don't what I'm looking for anymore. I feel like im scratching at the door waiting for my chance. Waiting for someone to let me in. Maybe that will happen soon, who knows.
Anyway, back to english. Of course I did this instead.