So tired. Rant.
I got a call this morning. At 6 am. "You have to come here for the appointment." So, I left at 10ish. Mind you, the drive was fantastic, but that faded as I got closer. The only thing I like about driving is that it gives me time to think. To put things into perspective, to work up long monologues that I sometimes want to say to Jonathan. They say what it is I'm feeling, but then I get here and don't really have the right moment to say what it is I have to say. For one, I feel like I'll be interrupted. But that's the whole point of my "speech" to him.
He underestimates me. I don't know how to say that to him nicely. I gets that's nice enough, right? He thinks I have too much emotion, I feel too much. That's just who I am. I feel. And I don't care what he thinks of that really. As I drove here, I noticed some of the leaves on trees were changing color and that the clouds in the sky had that layered effect. And that it was cold. All of those things scream love to me. The layers of the clouds are like years. Each layer represents something beautiful. I don't think he'd understand that, but we're all misunderstood somehow. God romances me through nature. It's not that this world is ugly; it's just that the people in it are. Jon said something about our eyes being opened and that it was time for us all to open our minds. Does he not know that my mind is wide open? I agree with him though. I think; I contemplate. I just don't share because no one else would care to hear. How many people out there care about the way the air smells? How I can tell when the seasons will soon change? We don't care about personal opinions and thoughts; we only care about general facts because it requires no thinking. We merely accept all of this. We know that we were born, that we grew, and that we must work to survive. We know that we get old. That we die. It's general knowledge and people think that's all they need. Why put extra effort into something that won't pay off, right?
There are those who feel who wish they didn't and I admit sometimes, I wish I didn't care as much as I do. Then there are those that are completely in lack of emotion who hate it. It tortures them. It's like longing to feel is the only feeling they know. Then, you have those who do feel, hide it, and pretend because they are afraid. They've been hurt too many times. I said this last night, but without suffering there'd be no compassion. I feel. It's who I am. I can't just change it.
I'm tired of pretending sometimes. I feel like I have to be someone else . . . that girl who is always happy. Strong. I am strong; I know this but I'm tired of being who I'm not for other people. I am who I am. But for someone to think that I don't think, that I'm just a regular old person who thinks that all she has to do is pay taxes and die, that she doesn't contemplate . . . you are completely wrong. I have ambitions. I have ideas. But sharing them with a world of people who have no where to go but to the bar, to Mexico, there's no understanding there. There's plenty of criticism. That's all we can do because we all have our guards up. We put those walls up because we learn from adolesence that we have to protect ourselves from this horrible planet. From the people in it. But always look up to your superiors. I don't have superiors. Sometimes I feel like Jon is trying to be my superior. He doesn't care about what I have to say; he just assumes I have nothing to say. But it seems that I always have to shut up and listen when he speaks his mind. So he knows nothing of mine. It used to be where he'd express an idea and he'd say, "So, what do you think of that?" We'd stop and talk about it and move on. But my opinion doesn't matter anymore. I always get shot down by anything I say. His eyes are open, his mind is open, but his heart is closed.