9 months later
Ever since last year I thought I knew who I was, what I stood for and what I wanted to do with my life. Even though I know what I come to tell you means nothing, but just pity things, these pity things run deeper than anything I've felt since I can remember. I sit here in the middle of a computer lab typing out my feelings as I try to hold back the emotions that have been testing me since the day I ever decided to love someone that was not related to me at all. I never considered myself in the picture of someone else's life, or rather, even to the extent of how deep it ran even for myself. That I truly had a grip on this world, or how I affected people around me, and even as I type this I still don't see the relevance of why I still have a hold on this.
Last year I met someone who tested my every thought. Who made me uncertain of what made me human, but at the same time, showed me so much I had never endured with in my life. After leaving someone like that, it's been difficult for me to ever go back to how I use to be before I ever met that person. I kinda hope I could go back to when my eyes were shut, and I never saw the reality of the human being. I've come up with every single possible way to make him go away. To me his dead. For that is the only way I can try to recover what he put me through, and how my life was so shaken in every direction that I sometimes regret ever meeting him face to face.
But then I think of the situation and see how pity it really is, and how I should not let it affect me so. And that these emotions are just ruminates of what I wanted to hold on to, and just making me more of a stronger person because of it.
At the same time it's so difficult to try to coup. Ever since then I haven't been the same, not really. I think what affected me the most was that I openly gave everything I had to someone. I was finally able to really and truly be me around someone I grew to love. I guess that's what happens when you finally date for the first time. That "first" love and all that. But it wasn't just that either, I felt like I had a connection with this person that was so scary that somehow we were meant to know each other, whether it be just as friends, or what it grew to become. I've never had a close connection like that with a guy before, it was as if someone other than my close friends and family understood were I was coming from on a hidden level that was only around when we happened to be in the same room, and I sometimes think today (if he truly is himself) it would still be there....to some degree.
For the 9 months I dated him I found out alot about myself, and the influence a bond can have on changing someone's life in a dramatic sense. I was helping him coup with drug issues, and trying to help him through his addictions to him being sober. It was rough on him, but also on me. I sat up late at night or before I fell asleep hoping he wasn't getting high, that he could stay clean for that day. He did very well throughout the following months, or at least that's what he convinced me of. Throughout this whole time not only was I in this relationship, but I was also going through my first year in college, while he still lived up in the area where I lived, while I was down in Baltimore attending college. With the pressure of not failing out of college my freshman year (because apparently 40% of freshman drop out/fail freshman year [or so they say]) I was feeling the pressure already. Not only going through the mental stress of helping someone I loved, but the amounted pressure of passing my freshman year at school....it was an equation leading to many possible outcomes.
But everyday we spoke to each other, and every day we talked, and would ask him about how he was doing. I trusted what he said, and believed that he could make it through this, for he was really taking on his true self through those 9 months I grew to know him. He described his situation as two different people. Their was the true him, the true person he was with goals, ambitions and happiness. But then there was also an alter ego- his drug persona where he'd become that "guy" everyone knew.
I never met that "guy" he became, because he didn't have to be that "guy" and he never wanted me to see him that way, because back then, he was over and done with that person he once was, and was ready to embrace being himself, the person he knew himself to be deep inside.
But then I have to think....did he ever want to truly be himself?
When it came to the point when I ended the relationship, it was all of the sudden. It was a daunting realization that I was giving so much of myself for him, and helping him through his habits, that I no longer looked after the health of myself. Giving so much to someone can help, but at what cost? I gave SO much of myself to help him break his habits, that I was only a shell in the end, just hoping, hoping hoping hoping that he would finally cease and finally be sober.
Demons can be overcome, can finally be destroyed with love.
Looking back now I question how blind I was to the whole situation. How the love and nurturing I gave to him to help him overcome his problem could have been abused and taken for granted. How easily someone could be manipulated to end up being dead in ways no drug could stimulate the body.
But now I'm growing. For I have to move on. I will never forget what that relationship taught me about myself, and the power of love and the impact of just being a friend can transform someone's world, if only for a moment.
Even in these last 9 months I've been keeping myself from thinking, but I will always hope that he ends up finding who he is. Who he wants to be, and if he ever beats drugs. I hope he finds loving people in his life who will make him feel alive.
But the same goes for me. I hope I find a man worth living for, and who I can learn to grow and love towards no matter what obstacle we will face together.
I've moved on and ready to be the changed person I am now. I will not overlook the obstacles I've had to face in my life, and I know that no matter what happens I will hold on. I will hold on till the day angels come take me away.
There is so much more I'd like to say.
To express.
But at this point all that now is in the past. Lives have moved forward and changed. I'm glad I was able to go through the experiences my life has brought forth to me, and I can say now I'm happy with whom I've become.
I know now I won't be able to return to that state I was before all this, perhaps one day, but for now I'm glad to have the friends I have and the love I've been given in my life.
Learn to love who you are, even if you stand alone.
Last year I met someone who tested my every thought. Who made me uncertain of what made me human, but at the same time, showed me so much I had never endured with in my life. After leaving someone like that, it's been difficult for me to ever go back to how I use to be before I ever met that person. I kinda hope I could go back to when my eyes were shut, and I never saw the reality of the human being. I've come up with every single possible way to make him go away. To me his dead. For that is the only way I can try to recover what he put me through, and how my life was so shaken in every direction that I sometimes regret ever meeting him face to face.
But then I think of the situation and see how pity it really is, and how I should not let it affect me so. And that these emotions are just ruminates of what I wanted to hold on to, and just making me more of a stronger person because of it.
At the same time it's so difficult to try to coup. Ever since then I haven't been the same, not really. I think what affected me the most was that I openly gave everything I had to someone. I was finally able to really and truly be me around someone I grew to love. I guess that's what happens when you finally date for the first time. That "first" love and all that. But it wasn't just that either, I felt like I had a connection with this person that was so scary that somehow we were meant to know each other, whether it be just as friends, or what it grew to become. I've never had a close connection like that with a guy before, it was as if someone other than my close friends and family understood were I was coming from on a hidden level that was only around when we happened to be in the same room, and I sometimes think today (if he truly is himself) it would still be there....to some degree.
For the 9 months I dated him I found out alot about myself, and the influence a bond can have on changing someone's life in a dramatic sense. I was helping him coup with drug issues, and trying to help him through his addictions to him being sober. It was rough on him, but also on me. I sat up late at night or before I fell asleep hoping he wasn't getting high, that he could stay clean for that day. He did very well throughout the following months, or at least that's what he convinced me of. Throughout this whole time not only was I in this relationship, but I was also going through my first year in college, while he still lived up in the area where I lived, while I was down in Baltimore attending college. With the pressure of not failing out of college my freshman year (because apparently 40% of freshman drop out/fail freshman year [or so they say]) I was feeling the pressure already. Not only going through the mental stress of helping someone I loved, but the amounted pressure of passing my freshman year at school....it was an equation leading to many possible outcomes.
But everyday we spoke to each other, and every day we talked, and would ask him about how he was doing. I trusted what he said, and believed that he could make it through this, for he was really taking on his true self through those 9 months I grew to know him. He described his situation as two different people. Their was the true him, the true person he was with goals, ambitions and happiness. But then there was also an alter ego- his drug persona where he'd become that "guy" everyone knew.
I never met that "guy" he became, because he didn't have to be that "guy" and he never wanted me to see him that way, because back then, he was over and done with that person he once was, and was ready to embrace being himself, the person he knew himself to be deep inside.
But then I have to think....did he ever want to truly be himself?
When it came to the point when I ended the relationship, it was all of the sudden. It was a daunting realization that I was giving so much of myself for him, and helping him through his habits, that I no longer looked after the health of myself. Giving so much to someone can help, but at what cost? I gave SO much of myself to help him break his habits, that I was only a shell in the end, just hoping, hoping hoping hoping that he would finally cease and finally be sober.
Demons can be overcome, can finally be destroyed with love.
Looking back now I question how blind I was to the whole situation. How the love and nurturing I gave to him to help him overcome his problem could have been abused and taken for granted. How easily someone could be manipulated to end up being dead in ways no drug could stimulate the body.
But now I'm growing. For I have to move on. I will never forget what that relationship taught me about myself, and the power of love and the impact of just being a friend can transform someone's world, if only for a moment.
Even in these last 9 months I've been keeping myself from thinking, but I will always hope that he ends up finding who he is. Who he wants to be, and if he ever beats drugs. I hope he finds loving people in his life who will make him feel alive.
But the same goes for me. I hope I find a man worth living for, and who I can learn to grow and love towards no matter what obstacle we will face together.
I've moved on and ready to be the changed person I am now. I will not overlook the obstacles I've had to face in my life, and I know that no matter what happens I will hold on. I will hold on till the day angels come take me away.
There is so much more I'd like to say.
To express.
But at this point all that now is in the past. Lives have moved forward and changed. I'm glad I was able to go through the experiences my life has brought forth to me, and I can say now I'm happy with whom I've become.
I know now I won't be able to return to that state I was before all this, perhaps one day, but for now I'm glad to have the friends I have and the love I've been given in my life.
Learn to love who you are, even if you stand alone.