My Mother Is Dead.....
Not literally dead, but if I was Jewish I'd be sitting shiva right now. I'm not Jewish, so all I can do is get 'caller reject' and add her number to it, because there comes a time when you realize that a relationship is so toxic and unhealthy, that you have to cut it out of your life for good and all. And I'm doing just that. Just a few days ago, I was lamenting to Billie, that I never ever thought that my family would be so torn apart and separated like it is. I didn't know then, that I would take such drastic steps, to remove myself from my mother's absolute dysfunction, as to claim her dead to my heart and soul.
It's quite freeing to come to this point in my life, that has taken me too many years to reach. I already came to the conclusion, that I wanted nothing more to do with her, but then my sister, the one who's 2 years younger, called me late last night all upset because of my mother's hatefulness and coldness. And that's when I decided that she was dead to me. When she dies for real, I will not be at her funeral.
For someone as compassionate and empathatic towards others as I am, especially my loved ones, this is a hard and drastic step for me. I was feeling sad because of her always hurting me, just a day or two ago, but today, I feel relief, and most of all, I feel freedom.
Yes, I could say a lifetime of horrible things about her, and everything she's put me through, but I'm not going to right now. She's like an animal mother who eats their young. Turns on them, and chews them up and spits them out. Unless of course, she wants something from you, or you have something better to offer her, than one of her other children.
She's so damned dysfunctional, living in a world of delusions about what a great mother she was when I and the rest of my siblings were growing up. In spite of her, I am alive. In spite of her, I survived my childhood. In spite of her, I'm not a shell of a person letting my demons rule my life. In spite of her, I'm finding my own happiness. Finally.