Fanfic: Merlin - Because He Cares
Title: Because He Cares
Fandom: Merlin
Pairing: Gwaine/Merlin
Rating: PG (-ish)
Word Count: 2,100
Disclaimer: Nothing's mine, I just play with them.
Summary: Gwaine explores his long restraint feelings as Merlin is on the edge of death and comforts him later. Spoilery for those who haven't seen the first two episodes of S4.
Author's Notes: I lately feel like Gwaine is the goofy sidekick of the knights and I can't get myself to like it. While comic relief is nice to have now and then, Gwaine appears to be the clumsy, idiotic knight who he clearly isn't. I wanted to try and explain why he behaves like that. But in the end I just wanted to write some G/M XD.
The more you get to know someone, as a friend, the more you get to know about him. At least that is how simple things are to Gwaine. Not with Merlin, though. Lately the more he gets to know, the more everything seems to be shrouded in mystery.
Merlin had been run through by one of these vile creatures named Dorocha. Everyone would have wound up dead without exception. Not Merlin, though. Sure, they first thought him dead but he wasn’t. And in Gwaine’s eyes it was a mystery. A mystery for which he was very grateful.
Because if anything then his own feelings had never been a mystery. Not to himself. When he had seen Merlin, frozen he’d been reminded of them, those many, happy feelings he held for Merlin since they had met for the first time.
Those feelings he kept sealed up in his heart so no one but Gwaine would know. In that moment those feelings had been set free as his heart had shattered into a million, tiny pieces that had made his whole body ache, hurting him from the inside, making his stomach burn with sickness.
Gwaine squints at the fire in front of him and huffs. He had accidentally set his socks on fire before, because of his messed up feelings and thoughts. Maybe Merlin had been alive but he was as well dying. Gwaine could feel it and that was almost driving him insane right now.
Earlier he had faced an encounter with bees as he had tried to get at least something to eat. His stomach had been complaining for hours.
In general Gwaine thinks he has to be a great amusement to the other knights, Arthur and Leon are the ones who are most annoyed with him. But no one knows. How could they. All his jokes, all his stories are just for distraction, so he hasn’t to think about Merlin.
~*~
“Wait! What was that?” Arthur hisses and grabs for his sword.
“I’ve heard it, too.” Leon says and all of the knights reach for their swords, gathering in front of the fire, looking to the entrance of that ruin in which they’ve sought shelter from the night and Dorocha.
Gwaine still hasn’t put on his socks again but he couldn’t care less.
They ready themselves, expecting a foe or the like as a figure moves in the shadows, approaching them. And when Arthur is about to charge, they see that it is Lancelot and Gwaine’s heart sinks and he has to swallow hard around a knot building up in his throat, searching for his voice but not able to find it.
“I’ve got bad news.” says Lancelot and Gwaine exhales slowly, waiting for the dreaded words, his gaze dropping to the ground. Everyone stares at Lancelot, expectantly and wide-eyed, awaiting the worst.
“Merlin’s alive.”
And suddenly Merlin appears, smiling and looking like he’d never been anywhere near death.
The knights storm to him, welcoming him back happily and Gwaine’s heart suddenly beats so fast he doesn’t know what to do and approaches Merlin, pulling him into a hug, giving him a took you long enough look and Merlin sniggers into the back of his hand and Gwaine retreats as Arthur strides over to his manservant.
~*~
Arthur and Merlin are talking for a long time. Everyone has fallen asleep already but not Gwaine. He can’t sleep, having to deal with the many different feelings and thoughts in his head keeping him awake.
So he accidentally hears what Arthur and Merlin are talking about. He ponders about everything they say, how Merlin insists on sacrificing himself to the Dorocha in order to close the veil between the two worlds, instead of the Prince and Gwaine’s chest hurts immensely at the mere thought. There has to be another way, right?
That Arthur says he wouldn’t let Merlin sacrifice himself doesn’t help much because Gwaine knows - probably like everyone else - how stubborn that young man can be and Gwaine finds himself biting his bottom lip, flexing his fingers trying to think of something.
~*~
When Gwaine thinks everyone’s having a good night’s sleep he can’t lie down anymore and sits up, huffing in frustration. He slides his fingers through his brown hair.
“Can’t sleep?”
Gwaine turns around as he hears the voice, sound so familiar and welcome, almost soothing for his mind.
“Could do with something to eat. Or maybe now a drink would be appropriate.” He says, keeping his voice down in order not to wake anyone.
In the glow of the flames Merlin smiles and that smile seems to be endless times brighter than any fire could ever be and Gwaine swallows.
“Was very worried, you know.” He manages to say, gaze dropping to the ground until he has to look up again because he finds Merlin sitting down next to him. Maybe a little closer than actually necessary but Gwaine wouldn’t complain and lets his already bended knee brush Merlin’s for a second.
“I’m not that useless, you know.”
Gwaine can see how that current smile on Merlin’s lips is a forced one and he shakes his head.
“No, you’re not. Why would you-“ Gwaine interrupts himself, heart sinking again, the pieces of that puzzle falling in place suddenly. “You don’t have to sacrifice your-“
This time Merlin cuts him off with a nod and raising his finger to Gwaine’s lips.
“I have to. Arthur cannot die. He has to become King one day and I have to make that possible.”
Gwaine blinks his eyes a few times, quickly glancing down to the finger before Merlin removes it with a sheepishly sounding sorry. As if Gwaine would mind. Still he doesn’t quite understand and raises an eyebrow at Merlin as in why would you be responsible for that?
“I can’t explain that now, Gwaine.” He whispers as if there was more to it then he was actually giving away and suddenly Gwaine feels left out again.
He frowns, lines in his forehead deepening and he can see that Merlin echoes his frown. Gwaine doesn’t know what to say except for he feels jealous of Lancelot and it’s probably completely idiotic but Gwaine senses there’s so much more about Merlin he doesn’t know. But Lancelot does and that hurts Gwaine.
Instead of saying something Gwaine leans forward and kisses Merlin quick but hard and full of feelings. Merlin eventually pulls away, looking startled, quickly glancing to the other men lying around but the occasional snore here and there indicates they’re all fast asleep.
“We will find a different way to handle this.” Gwaine says insistent and he can feel how Merlin this time brushes his knee against Gwaine’s - on purpose.
“We’ll see.”
~*~come in as return.
“Gaius.” Gwaine greets him with a nod as he sees the court physician brooding over some parchments, probably studying a recipe or searching for ingredients for a certain potion.
“Sir Gwaine.” Gaius replies and tilts his head to Merlin’s door. “He’s in there but he doesn’t speak since yesterday. It’s like talking to a wall.” The physician sighs, his eyebrow raised in a try your luck, if you want to expression and Gwaine approaches the door that leads to Merlin’s room, his heart pounding heavily in his chest.
“Merlin? S’me.” Gwaine says and enters the room, closing the door behind him.
He finds Merlin sitting at his desk, face buried in one of his hands, the other hand rubbing continuously at his temple and it hurts Gwaine to see Merlin like this. He doesn’t know what to do so he just remains standing there, flexing his fingers.
“I-I’m sorry. I know he was a good friend of you.” Is all Gwaine manages to say and feels slightly awkward doing so. But what are you supposed to say if your friend’s best friend suddenly decides to play the hero and sacrificing himself?
Gwaine’s gaze drops to the ground, his eyes studying the wooden panels on the floor eagerly and he scratches his forehead, trying to think of something but these days it seems he is lost for words most of the time.
“You know, this one time I was in a bar there was this one fella who told me-“
Gwaine isn’t able to finish the sentence for suddenly Merlin rises from his seat and pins Gwaine against the wall, with strength that probably no one ever acknowledged Merlin for and before Gwaine can even think about where this strength comes from he feels Merlin’s lips against his, warm and soft. Only the kiss is anything else than soft. It is fierce and intense at the same time, almost desperate.
Merlin’s fingers are clutching into Gwaine’s shirt and it doesn’t take him long to gather himself, though it feels like Gwaine’s heart would like to rip his chest apart every second, beating ever so fast.
Gwaine turns them around in one swift move so Merlin is pressed against the cold stone wall now, his own body pressed tight against Merlin’s, connected in all the right places that make Gwaine’s whole body tense with excitement.
But this is not right, not like this and he breaks their kiss and leans his forehead against Merlin’s, breath coming quite ragged from both of them.
“I don’t know what to do without him,” Merlin finally says, digging his fingers into Gwaine’s hair it would almost hurt if the words leaving Merlin’s kiss-reddened lips wouldn’t hurt more.
“I’m-“ Gwaine starts and doesn’t quite know how to put his thoughts into words. “I’m maybe a drunkard, Merlin. A roguish one and probably not even worth being called a knight of Camelot.” Merlin wants to say something, his eyes watery and full of despair but Gwaine doesn’t let him. “But I’m also your friend. And I’m here for you, whatever you need me for, you hear me?”
Merlin nods slowly as response and sniffs his tears away. There’s a moment of silence which feels like eternity.
“You kissed me.”
“Obviously,” Gwaine raises an eyebrow but Merlin shakes his head, his hands leaving Gwaine’s hair now, moving deeper and coming to a halt in Gwaine’s neck.
“No. In the ruins.”
Gwaine hums as a reply as he runs one thumb over Merlin’s perfectly shaped cheekbone.
“I-“ Merlin bites his bottom lip and represses a desperate sigh. “It’s my fault that Lancelot walked into the veil.”
Gwaine formed a you’re kiddin’ me, how can it be your fault? expression but before he can put it into words Merlin goes on.
“I hesitated because you kissed me. I didn’t want to-“ Merlin lowered his gaze, closing his eyes for a second but before Merlin can go on Gwaine pulls him in a tight embrace, because finally he understands.
“Stop this. Lancelot did it because he cared,” Gwaine says, his voice determined, eventually finding the right words. “He cared about Arthur and he cared a hell of a lot about you, it was his decision and not your fault, hesitating or not.”
“Stop blaming yourself for something you obviously couldn’t control.” Gwaine takes Merlin’s chin between his fingers and tilts his head up, smiling at him.
And for the first time since Lancelot’s sacrifice Merlin smiles again, wide and with his eyes and Gwaine would do everything now to stop the world from turning, to still the time to be able to look at that smile forever.
Instead he plants a soft kiss on Merlin’s lips and nudges his cheek.
So they say the more you get to know someone the more you get to know about them. Maybe some things about Merlin are still shrouded in mystery but Gwaine is sure if time comes they will reveal themselves in front of him. Because Merlin cares.
Fandom: Merlin
Pairing: Gwaine/Merlin
Rating: PG (-ish)
Word Count: 2,100
Disclaimer: Nothing's mine, I just play with them.
Summary: Gwaine explores his long restraint feelings as Merlin is on the edge of death and comforts him later. Spoilery for those who haven't seen the first two episodes of S4.
Author's Notes: I lately feel like Gwaine is the goofy sidekick of the knights and I can't get myself to like it. While comic relief is nice to have now and then, Gwaine appears to be the clumsy, idiotic knight who he clearly isn't. I wanted to try and explain why he behaves like that. But in the end I just wanted to write some G/M XD.
The more you get to know someone, as a friend, the more you get to know about him. At least that is how simple things are to Gwaine. Not with Merlin, though. Lately the more he gets to know, the more everything seems to be shrouded in mystery.
Merlin had been run through by one of these vile creatures named Dorocha. Everyone would have wound up dead without exception. Not Merlin, though. Sure, they first thought him dead but he wasn’t. And in Gwaine’s eyes it was a mystery. A mystery for which he was very grateful.
Because if anything then his own feelings had never been a mystery. Not to himself. When he had seen Merlin, frozen he’d been reminded of them, those many, happy feelings he held for Merlin since they had met for the first time.
Those feelings he kept sealed up in his heart so no one but Gwaine would know. In that moment those feelings had been set free as his heart had shattered into a million, tiny pieces that had made his whole body ache, hurting him from the inside, making his stomach burn with sickness.
Gwaine squints at the fire in front of him and huffs. He had accidentally set his socks on fire before, because of his messed up feelings and thoughts. Maybe Merlin had been alive but he was as well dying. Gwaine could feel it and that was almost driving him insane right now.
Earlier he had faced an encounter with bees as he had tried to get at least something to eat. His stomach had been complaining for hours.
In general Gwaine thinks he has to be a great amusement to the other knights, Arthur and Leon are the ones who are most annoyed with him. But no one knows. How could they. All his jokes, all his stories are just for distraction, so he hasn’t to think about Merlin.
~*~
“Wait! What was that?” Arthur hisses and grabs for his sword.
“I’ve heard it, too.” Leon says and all of the knights reach for their swords, gathering in front of the fire, looking to the entrance of that ruin in which they’ve sought shelter from the night and Dorocha.
Gwaine still hasn’t put on his socks again but he couldn’t care less.
They ready themselves, expecting a foe or the like as a figure moves in the shadows, approaching them. And when Arthur is about to charge, they see that it is Lancelot and Gwaine’s heart sinks and he has to swallow hard around a knot building up in his throat, searching for his voice but not able to find it.
“I’ve got bad news.” says Lancelot and Gwaine exhales slowly, waiting for the dreaded words, his gaze dropping to the ground. Everyone stares at Lancelot, expectantly and wide-eyed, awaiting the worst.
“Merlin’s alive.”
And suddenly Merlin appears, smiling and looking like he’d never been anywhere near death.
The knights storm to him, welcoming him back happily and Gwaine’s heart suddenly beats so fast he doesn’t know what to do and approaches Merlin, pulling him into a hug, giving him a took you long enough look and Merlin sniggers into the back of his hand and Gwaine retreats as Arthur strides over to his manservant.
~*~
Arthur and Merlin are talking for a long time. Everyone has fallen asleep already but not Gwaine. He can’t sleep, having to deal with the many different feelings and thoughts in his head keeping him awake.
So he accidentally hears what Arthur and Merlin are talking about. He ponders about everything they say, how Merlin insists on sacrificing himself to the Dorocha in order to close the veil between the two worlds, instead of the Prince and Gwaine’s chest hurts immensely at the mere thought. There has to be another way, right?
That Arthur says he wouldn’t let Merlin sacrifice himself doesn’t help much because Gwaine knows - probably like everyone else - how stubborn that young man can be and Gwaine finds himself biting his bottom lip, flexing his fingers trying to think of something.
~*~
When Gwaine thinks everyone’s having a good night’s sleep he can’t lie down anymore and sits up, huffing in frustration. He slides his fingers through his brown hair.
“Can’t sleep?”
Gwaine turns around as he hears the voice, sound so familiar and welcome, almost soothing for his mind.
“Could do with something to eat. Or maybe now a drink would be appropriate.” He says, keeping his voice down in order not to wake anyone.
In the glow of the flames Merlin smiles and that smile seems to be endless times brighter than any fire could ever be and Gwaine swallows.
“Was very worried, you know.” He manages to say, gaze dropping to the ground until he has to look up again because he finds Merlin sitting down next to him. Maybe a little closer than actually necessary but Gwaine wouldn’t complain and lets his already bended knee brush Merlin’s for a second.
“I’m not that useless, you know.”
Gwaine can see how that current smile on Merlin’s lips is a forced one and he shakes his head.
“No, you’re not. Why would you-“ Gwaine interrupts himself, heart sinking again, the pieces of that puzzle falling in place suddenly. “You don’t have to sacrifice your-“
This time Merlin cuts him off with a nod and raising his finger to Gwaine’s lips.
“I have to. Arthur cannot die. He has to become King one day and I have to make that possible.”
Gwaine blinks his eyes a few times, quickly glancing down to the finger before Merlin removes it with a sheepishly sounding sorry. As if Gwaine would mind. Still he doesn’t quite understand and raises an eyebrow at Merlin as in why would you be responsible for that?
“I can’t explain that now, Gwaine.” He whispers as if there was more to it then he was actually giving away and suddenly Gwaine feels left out again.
He frowns, lines in his forehead deepening and he can see that Merlin echoes his frown. Gwaine doesn’t know what to say except for he feels jealous of Lancelot and it’s probably completely idiotic but Gwaine senses there’s so much more about Merlin he doesn’t know. But Lancelot does and that hurts Gwaine.
Instead of saying something Gwaine leans forward and kisses Merlin quick but hard and full of feelings. Merlin eventually pulls away, looking startled, quickly glancing to the other men lying around but the occasional snore here and there indicates they’re all fast asleep.
“We will find a different way to handle this.” Gwaine says insistent and he can feel how Merlin this time brushes his knee against Gwaine’s - on purpose.
“We’ll see.”
~*~come in as return.
“Gaius.” Gwaine greets him with a nod as he sees the court physician brooding over some parchments, probably studying a recipe or searching for ingredients for a certain potion.
“Sir Gwaine.” Gaius replies and tilts his head to Merlin’s door. “He’s in there but he doesn’t speak since yesterday. It’s like talking to a wall.” The physician sighs, his eyebrow raised in a try your luck, if you want to expression and Gwaine approaches the door that leads to Merlin’s room, his heart pounding heavily in his chest.
“Merlin? S’me.” Gwaine says and enters the room, closing the door behind him.
He finds Merlin sitting at his desk, face buried in one of his hands, the other hand rubbing continuously at his temple and it hurts Gwaine to see Merlin like this. He doesn’t know what to do so he just remains standing there, flexing his fingers.
“I-I’m sorry. I know he was a good friend of you.” Is all Gwaine manages to say and feels slightly awkward doing so. But what are you supposed to say if your friend’s best friend suddenly decides to play the hero and sacrificing himself?
Gwaine’s gaze drops to the ground, his eyes studying the wooden panels on the floor eagerly and he scratches his forehead, trying to think of something but these days it seems he is lost for words most of the time.
“You know, this one time I was in a bar there was this one fella who told me-“
Gwaine isn’t able to finish the sentence for suddenly Merlin rises from his seat and pins Gwaine against the wall, with strength that probably no one ever acknowledged Merlin for and before Gwaine can even think about where this strength comes from he feels Merlin’s lips against his, warm and soft. Only the kiss is anything else than soft. It is fierce and intense at the same time, almost desperate.
Merlin’s fingers are clutching into Gwaine’s shirt and it doesn’t take him long to gather himself, though it feels like Gwaine’s heart would like to rip his chest apart every second, beating ever so fast.
Gwaine turns them around in one swift move so Merlin is pressed against the cold stone wall now, his own body pressed tight against Merlin’s, connected in all the right places that make Gwaine’s whole body tense with excitement.
But this is not right, not like this and he breaks their kiss and leans his forehead against Merlin’s, breath coming quite ragged from both of them.
“I don’t know what to do without him,” Merlin finally says, digging his fingers into Gwaine’s hair it would almost hurt if the words leaving Merlin’s kiss-reddened lips wouldn’t hurt more.
“I’m-“ Gwaine starts and doesn’t quite know how to put his thoughts into words. “I’m maybe a drunkard, Merlin. A roguish one and probably not even worth being called a knight of Camelot.” Merlin wants to say something, his eyes watery and full of despair but Gwaine doesn’t let him. “But I’m also your friend. And I’m here for you, whatever you need me for, you hear me?”
Merlin nods slowly as response and sniffs his tears away. There’s a moment of silence which feels like eternity.
“You kissed me.”
“Obviously,” Gwaine raises an eyebrow but Merlin shakes his head, his hands leaving Gwaine’s hair now, moving deeper and coming to a halt in Gwaine’s neck.
“No. In the ruins.”
Gwaine hums as a reply as he runs one thumb over Merlin’s perfectly shaped cheekbone.
“I-“ Merlin bites his bottom lip and represses a desperate sigh. “It’s my fault that Lancelot walked into the veil.”
Gwaine formed a you’re kiddin’ me, how can it be your fault? expression but before he can put it into words Merlin goes on.
“I hesitated because you kissed me. I didn’t want to-“ Merlin lowered his gaze, closing his eyes for a second but before Merlin can go on Gwaine pulls him in a tight embrace, because finally he understands.
“Stop this. Lancelot did it because he cared,” Gwaine says, his voice determined, eventually finding the right words. “He cared about Arthur and he cared a hell of a lot about you, it was his decision and not your fault, hesitating or not.”
“Stop blaming yourself for something you obviously couldn’t control.” Gwaine takes Merlin’s chin between his fingers and tilts his head up, smiling at him.
And for the first time since Lancelot’s sacrifice Merlin smiles again, wide and with his eyes and Gwaine would do everything now to stop the world from turning, to still the time to be able to look at that smile forever.
Instead he plants a soft kiss on Merlin’s lips and nudges his cheek.
So they say the more you get to know someone the more you get to know about them. Maybe some things about Merlin are still shrouded in mystery but Gwaine is sure if time comes they will reveal themselves in front of him. Because Merlin cares.