Sweatpants Are All That Fit Me Right Now...
Well, The Beeline really sucks right now. For whatever reasons that I just can't understand, my awesome Native American article won't be printed. It's too offensive?? HEll NAH! It's just really fucking awesome. It's for that reason and many more that I'm just going to stop writing for the Beeline all together. Then we'll see just how many issues it'll sell. I'm guessing close to zero.
In any case, here's my awesome article:
Native Americans were once wild and free. They roamed across America in tribes hunting mighty buffalos. They would use every part of the buffalo. They used the meat to plant for more buffalo, the head for Halloween masks, and the bones for drum sticks to make classic rock music.
The Native Americans, much like mules, are sterile, so they’re kind of hard to find nowadays. If you didn’t know exactly where to look, you would never ever see one! Not in a million years!
They no longer live in fancy, elaborate tee pees, but rather large holes in the ground because it’s cool in the summer and warm in the winter. It also provides ample protection of their nests. And instead of making arrow heads, they gamble all of their money away.
Native Americans are the hungriest Americans. They eat three times their weight every hour! That would be like you eating an entire football field!
A favorite past time of the Native Americans is to stare directly into the sun for long periods of time. This is why they usually have a great tan but poor eye sight.
Native Americans are well known for their healing properties. A Native American can lick an ulcer right out of you in seconds and still be hungry enough to eat away your cancer. Unfortunately, the FDA refuses to believe this and they are outlawed in America.
I haven’t had the best luck with Native Americans. When I was a small child and went on vacation to one of their villages, they stole all of my lunch money! Twelve years worth! We ended up having to move into a smaller house. And I’ve never had a lunch since.
Regardless, the Native American’s future remains bright. They are even close to becoming legal again! This thanksgiving, be sure to salute your fellow Native American if you happen to see one, which you probably won’t.
In any case, here's my awesome article:
Native Americans were once wild and free. They roamed across America in tribes hunting mighty buffalos. They would use every part of the buffalo. They used the meat to plant for more buffalo, the head for Halloween masks, and the bones for drum sticks to make classic rock music.
The Native Americans, much like mules, are sterile, so they’re kind of hard to find nowadays. If you didn’t know exactly where to look, you would never ever see one! Not in a million years!
They no longer live in fancy, elaborate tee pees, but rather large holes in the ground because it’s cool in the summer and warm in the winter. It also provides ample protection of their nests. And instead of making arrow heads, they gamble all of their money away.
Native Americans are the hungriest Americans. They eat three times their weight every hour! That would be like you eating an entire football field!
A favorite past time of the Native Americans is to stare directly into the sun for long periods of time. This is why they usually have a great tan but poor eye sight.
Native Americans are well known for their healing properties. A Native American can lick an ulcer right out of you in seconds and still be hungry enough to eat away your cancer. Unfortunately, the FDA refuses to believe this and they are outlawed in America.
I haven’t had the best luck with Native Americans. When I was a small child and went on vacation to one of their villages, they stole all of my lunch money! Twelve years worth! We ended up having to move into a smaller house. And I’ve never had a lunch since.
Regardless, the Native American’s future remains bright. They are even close to becoming legal again! This thanksgiving, be sure to salute your fellow Native American if you happen to see one, which you probably won’t.