because I shouldn't post in one and not the other
I voxed this earlier... and I thought about it, and I shouldn't post this in one and not the other. and since I didn't have to rewrite it again, I simply copy/pasted... I'm double posting it:
I've been trying to write this entry all night long... but now I'm worn out from stress and work and lies and foolishness and homesickness, of sorts.
so, here's the basics of what I have no ambition to write eloquently:
on my way to work today I caught a freckle I didn't know in the rear-view mirror and immediately thought of my dad. and then I thought:
There is a very distinct possibility that, at this time next week, my dad could be dead.
Did you hear that, self: he might die.
If he passes his final eval today, he will have his surgery on Monday. And I may never see him again. Never hug him. or ride in his car. or trip over his shoes...
and then I had to pull over because my panic attack was of control, making me cry so hard that I couldn't see the road.
and then there was a little bit of puking, like there was just now, typing that again for the fifth time tonight. and then I went to work, where they think I'm retarded.
My dad passed his final check point today. My mother told me this afternoon.
And I'm completely numb everywhere.
I know that if he doesn't do it, he'll die. You guys haven't seen him in a while... he hasn't been doing very well. I don't talk about it, because, like everything else in my life that hurts me, if I don't talk about it -- it doesn't exsist.
But, with his blood pressure, and his anxiety, and the fact that he stops breathing in his sleep means that he will be incredibly high risk on monday.
If I'm cold or distant this week, please excuse me. I have a few things on my plate. And please, just for a change, if you usually treat me like crap for kicks -- give it rest until next week. I can't handle it right now. If you can't restrain yourself... then just leave me alone. I don't want to be smothered, I don't want people hemming and hawing over me and family... I'm just looking for a little understanding and some respect, and maybe some support. Because when my mind isn't running, it's thinking of all of this...
I've been trying to write this entry all night long... but now I'm worn out from stress and work and lies and foolishness and homesickness, of sorts.
so, here's the basics of what I have no ambition to write eloquently:
on my way to work today I caught a freckle I didn't know in the rear-view mirror and immediately thought of my dad. and then I thought:
There is a very distinct possibility that, at this time next week, my dad could be dead.
Did you hear that, self: he might die.
If he passes his final eval today, he will have his surgery on Monday. And I may never see him again. Never hug him. or ride in his car. or trip over his shoes...
and then I had to pull over because my panic attack was of control, making me cry so hard that I couldn't see the road.
and then there was a little bit of puking, like there was just now, typing that again for the fifth time tonight. and then I went to work, where they think I'm retarded.
My dad passed his final check point today. My mother told me this afternoon.
And I'm completely numb everywhere.
I know that if he doesn't do it, he'll die. You guys haven't seen him in a while... he hasn't been doing very well. I don't talk about it, because, like everything else in my life that hurts me, if I don't talk about it -- it doesn't exsist.
But, with his blood pressure, and his anxiety, and the fact that he stops breathing in his sleep means that he will be incredibly high risk on monday.
If I'm cold or distant this week, please excuse me. I have a few things on my plate. And please, just for a change, if you usually treat me like crap for kicks -- give it rest until next week. I can't handle it right now. If you can't restrain yourself... then just leave me alone. I don't want to be smothered, I don't want people hemming and hawing over me and family... I'm just looking for a little understanding and some respect, and maybe some support. Because when my mind isn't running, it's thinking of all of this...