(no subject)
my mom's complete attitude towards me has changed, as if somehow i'm no longer the black sheep of the family. it has me confused, yet i'm enjoying the attention i feel i never got growing up. it's nice to be on the receiving end of something positive these days. i just wish i could receive positive energy from myself, as i find i feel i am inadequate in all aspects of life.
i look at the past lately and wonder...how could i have made so many mistakes. i lost a lot of friends last year. friends that i think would have been good for me in the long run. the past two years for the most part have been hell on earth. i fucked up school, friendships, relationships and basically anything and everything i had to hold on to. and i have so many secrets i keep, from everyone but myself. and they haunt me sometimes. i just wish i hadn't been so scared. scared of the truth. scared of getting hurt. scared of life. and in the end i hurt so many people around me, completely unintentionally and it hurt me more than anything ever has. i wish i could reconnect with some of those people. however i am so embarassed with the way i acted i feel like i would panic and run the other way if i ever crossed paths with any of them. thats an awful feeling to have weighing on you.
well, i am sorry. truly sorry.
i look at the past lately and wonder...how could i have made so many mistakes. i lost a lot of friends last year. friends that i think would have been good for me in the long run. the past two years for the most part have been hell on earth. i fucked up school, friendships, relationships and basically anything and everything i had to hold on to. and i have so many secrets i keep, from everyone but myself. and they haunt me sometimes. i just wish i hadn't been so scared. scared of the truth. scared of getting hurt. scared of life. and in the end i hurt so many people around me, completely unintentionally and it hurt me more than anything ever has. i wish i could reconnect with some of those people. however i am so embarassed with the way i acted i feel like i would panic and run the other way if i ever crossed paths with any of them. thats an awful feeling to have weighing on you.
well, i am sorry. truly sorry.