What's Wrong With Me?
What’s wrong with me? I am your typical adolescent homosexual. I’m 19 years old, unemployed, broke, and I have a drinking problem. I am aware that I have a problem, but for some reason I do nothing to fix it. Why? Why do I continue to let MYSELF down? Let’s forget about what my actions have caused my friends and family…I need to face the reality of the effects they have on me. After all, it is my life that I’m fucking up. So what the hell am I going to do about it? This is my plan for the next six months of my life…
First, drop out of the scene. I don’t want to…at all…but I’m running rampant. It’s the only way I’ll be able to attempt to maintain my focus. Second, get a fucking job! I’m being a bum. That’s not the way I was brought up. Sandersons are not bums. It’s bad enough being the only fag in the history of the family, let me not blaspheme the name anymore! Third, pay back everything I owe to everyone immediately. Once I get money of course. I’ve become such a loser it’s not even funny. Next, I need to take full advantage of the help in which I have been offered and save up some mad cash. I don’t need any more clothes…I don’t need anything that is frivolous and has no purpose. That’s my major downfall when it comes to handling money. I think that just because I have a little cash I can go buy an island. Half of the shit I buy is just that, shit. I don’t even use it. Fifthly, I need to get healthy. I am so not in shape right now. Sure im skinny…but I look deathly ill. Not cute. I need to star a daily…uhm…weekly workout regimen. I need to eat better. I need to stop biting my nails. It’s gross. I wanna go to school. I don’t know for what and where, but I miss learning….I should have finished high school. I skipped my senior year and took the easy way out and what do I have to show for it? I probably wouldn’t have been out of the closet…so I guess that’s the only good thing that came out of that. I need to get to know my parents. I need to succeed at something, for myself and for them. I need to stop taking advantage of them and the kindness of others. I need to help myself. Help myself to a good life…get myself on the right track for once. I have fucked up so many times in my life and always placed the blame on others. I need to stop kidding myself is what I need to do.
This past year has really been a wake up call for me. My DUI. My ex. My job. And I am the one who decided the outcome of everything. Now look where it’s gotten me. Back to square one. Over and over and over…it’s over. I need to do something about my life. I need a goal. My plan was to sit down here and determine that goal, but I cant do that until I determine myself. If that makes any sense. I’m going to take the next several weeks and try to do that, try and find myself. I know what I want…what I want to do…where I want to be. But how I'm going to do it all I don’t know. That’s what I need to determine. Just like in Jerry McGuire, I need to help me help me. And when I do, be ready. It’ll be a fun ride. But I can’t do it without doing this first. I cant do it without you, Mom and Dad, Heather, Diane…all of my friends. I still need your support…your advice, your criticism (Heather). I can’t do it without you. So, thank you for everything that you’ve already done and that you continue to do. I love you.
First, drop out of the scene. I don’t want to…at all…but I’m running rampant. It’s the only way I’ll be able to attempt to maintain my focus. Second, get a fucking job! I’m being a bum. That’s not the way I was brought up. Sandersons are not bums. It’s bad enough being the only fag in the history of the family, let me not blaspheme the name anymore! Third, pay back everything I owe to everyone immediately. Once I get money of course. I’ve become such a loser it’s not even funny. Next, I need to take full advantage of the help in which I have been offered and save up some mad cash. I don’t need any more clothes…I don’t need anything that is frivolous and has no purpose. That’s my major downfall when it comes to handling money. I think that just because I have a little cash I can go buy an island. Half of the shit I buy is just that, shit. I don’t even use it. Fifthly, I need to get healthy. I am so not in shape right now. Sure im skinny…but I look deathly ill. Not cute. I need to star a daily…uhm…weekly workout regimen. I need to eat better. I need to stop biting my nails. It’s gross. I wanna go to school. I don’t know for what and where, but I miss learning….I should have finished high school. I skipped my senior year and took the easy way out and what do I have to show for it? I probably wouldn’t have been out of the closet…so I guess that’s the only good thing that came out of that. I need to get to know my parents. I need to succeed at something, for myself and for them. I need to stop taking advantage of them and the kindness of others. I need to help myself. Help myself to a good life…get myself on the right track for once. I have fucked up so many times in my life and always placed the blame on others. I need to stop kidding myself is what I need to do.
This past year has really been a wake up call for me. My DUI. My ex. My job. And I am the one who decided the outcome of everything. Now look where it’s gotten me. Back to square one. Over and over and over…it’s over. I need to do something about my life. I need a goal. My plan was to sit down here and determine that goal, but I cant do that until I determine myself. If that makes any sense. I’m going to take the next several weeks and try to do that, try and find myself. I know what I want…what I want to do…where I want to be. But how I'm going to do it all I don’t know. That’s what I need to determine. Just like in Jerry McGuire, I need to help me help me. And when I do, be ready. It’ll be a fun ride. But I can’t do it without doing this first. I cant do it without you, Mom and Dad, Heather, Diane…all of my friends. I still need your support…your advice, your criticism (Heather). I can’t do it without you. So, thank you for everything that you’ve already done and that you continue to do. I love you.