Life Fucking Sucks
So, I've had a shit week and not sure whether I wanna cry constantly (which I'm doing heaps of.... In my bedroom, by myself so to not bring the daily down) or just lay down and die.
Got a call from the head dialysis nurse Michelle Manning, she does post-transplant appointments and so forth for patients. She literally does separate jobs that in a city hospital would have 3 people to do it, that I'm going to Auburn hospital to have my fistula operated on.
What was wrong is that it was clotted and was a stroke and heart attack waiting to happen. To give you an idea of how much I need it, I literally have no viable veins or arteries anymore that won't collapse when a needle is inserted. When I had my transplant they had to insert a cannula into my left jugular so they could have some access to give me saline, drugs and other things. And I know how bad they are as I've had them ultrasounded and then MRI'ed with dye,
Anyway, I go to Auburn hospital on Tuesday to have it operated on. 1st part was to have the blood clot removed. That went smoothly and everybody went 'yay'.
The second part was when things started fucking up and pretty damn fast...
I don't know how they narrow fistulas and I honestly don't care, but apparently from the moment Dr Swinnen went in he had a shit load of problems during the second half. The fistula/artery is pretty much screwed and useless for high pressure dialysis and as he worked with it, the artery literally began to disintegrate as he moved it around and such. He had to work fast and luckily he was able to fix it. But it looks like I have no workable fistula that can take the pressure needed for dialysis for the moment.
Then the skin didn't want to be sewed together and kept coming undone, so now I have a horrific 'puckered' scar up my arm.
The other shit thing is that the nurses tried to do a fucking bait and switch on me. I have no pain tolerance anymore and having your arm sliced and diced along with having muscle pulled and torn fucking HURTS! So, like anybody I asked for pain med and I wanted the strong shit. "Ok, we'll, give you 10mg of Endone." However instead of fucking Endone.... I get panadole.
I don't know why, but something snapped and I kind of went nutso. No, I didn't hit any nurses or doctor, but I hate being fucking lied to and expected to get over it when I find the truth out. That and the fact that I was meant to be in hospital for a few days specifically for the pain and instead they kicked me out the next morning with hardly any bloody pain meds.
Shouldn't have fucking bothered with this operation..... I'm sick of them giving me crap low dosage of pain meds, so I have to keep making appointments with my GP for the meds. And yes, I know I sound like a damn drug addict, but, and no offense, I don't give a fuck no more. Reality sucks, something in my body always bloody hurts whether muscle, stomach, or my back and I've had enough. It's either pain meds, booze or weed. Booze makes me sick and is expansive, pot is illegal and I no longer believe 'positive thinking' does fucking shit as does prayers or such.
No pain meds, artery/fistula is useless and dear sweet god the pain and the further disfigurement of my arm has me feeling like a damn freak... I just want to crawl into a hole and never make human contact again.
So, I kind of my wish that if this kidney fails there's no fall back plan, and when that happens I know exactly how gonna end.
But, right to this moment, I'm gonna sit in the lounge room and watch Persons of Interest.
Got a call from the head dialysis nurse Michelle Manning, she does post-transplant appointments and so forth for patients. She literally does separate jobs that in a city hospital would have 3 people to do it, that I'm going to Auburn hospital to have my fistula operated on.
What was wrong is that it was clotted and was a stroke and heart attack waiting to happen. To give you an idea of how much I need it, I literally have no viable veins or arteries anymore that won't collapse when a needle is inserted. When I had my transplant they had to insert a cannula into my left jugular so they could have some access to give me saline, drugs and other things. And I know how bad they are as I've had them ultrasounded and then MRI'ed with dye,
Anyway, I go to Auburn hospital on Tuesday to have it operated on. 1st part was to have the blood clot removed. That went smoothly and everybody went 'yay'.
The second part was when things started fucking up and pretty damn fast...
I don't know how they narrow fistulas and I honestly don't care, but apparently from the moment Dr Swinnen went in he had a shit load of problems during the second half. The fistula/artery is pretty much screwed and useless for high pressure dialysis and as he worked with it, the artery literally began to disintegrate as he moved it around and such. He had to work fast and luckily he was able to fix it. But it looks like I have no workable fistula that can take the pressure needed for dialysis for the moment.
Then the skin didn't want to be sewed together and kept coming undone, so now I have a horrific 'puckered' scar up my arm.
The other shit thing is that the nurses tried to do a fucking bait and switch on me. I have no pain tolerance anymore and having your arm sliced and diced along with having muscle pulled and torn fucking HURTS! So, like anybody I asked for pain med and I wanted the strong shit. "Ok, we'll, give you 10mg of Endone." However instead of fucking Endone.... I get panadole.
I don't know why, but something snapped and I kind of went nutso. No, I didn't hit any nurses or doctor, but I hate being fucking lied to and expected to get over it when I find the truth out. That and the fact that I was meant to be in hospital for a few days specifically for the pain and instead they kicked me out the next morning with hardly any bloody pain meds.
Shouldn't have fucking bothered with this operation..... I'm sick of them giving me crap low dosage of pain meds, so I have to keep making appointments with my GP for the meds. And yes, I know I sound like a damn drug addict, but, and no offense, I don't give a fuck no more. Reality sucks, something in my body always bloody hurts whether muscle, stomach, or my back and I've had enough. It's either pain meds, booze or weed. Booze makes me sick and is expansive, pot is illegal and I no longer believe 'positive thinking' does fucking shit as does prayers or such.
No pain meds, artery/fistula is useless and dear sweet god the pain and the further disfigurement of my arm has me feeling like a damn freak... I just want to crawl into a hole and never make human contact again.
So, I kind of my wish that if this kidney fails there's no fall back plan, and when that happens I know exactly how gonna end.
But, right to this moment, I'm gonna sit in the lounge room and watch Persons of Interest.