Men are such babies.
So, I read somewhere that when you ask someone what thier biggest fear is, I mean, the BIG ONE, the kind of fear that most people don't admit unless a Freudian Clone tells them it's thier biggest fear, they'll reveal something that is directly connected to an aspect of thier personality that they know they can't change. Like, someone who's really shy but pretends to be full of confidence will say they're afraid of public speaking. It seems totally irrational, until you get down to the meat of the person, and realize that they hate being the center of attention. It's all a big sham.
Well, Jay's biggest fear is loneliness. He's entirely afraid that he will never find anyone, never be with anyone, not even have any friends close enough to give a shit if he were sick, or hurt, or in need of help. Which is funny, since he's a genuinely attractive, intelligent, rather cuddly human being. He's just horribly afraid of loneliness.
He's also very stand-offish. Like, you know how when you're between the ages of 3 and 5, you realize that there are other people in the world, and that everything doesn't actually hinge on your whims? Well, I think Jay missed the memo. Not that this makes him a bad guy. Just, he doesn't tell people when he's leaving, like, online, he just disappears. Or he'll ignore you if he sees you on the street because he can't seem to get out of his own head long enough to notice the world around him. Now, some cynics may try to tell me that he's probably just trying to give me the hint that he's not interested. But when we're together, or when I make a move to say hello, he's very amiable. Publically or not. He didn't seem to be at first, but he truly is. He's just also very involved in himself.
So really, the point of all this, is that I'm at a crossroads. I will most certainly continue the friendship. He was there for me when I needed him, and we have good times. But continue to hold out hope for something more? I'm not sure. Supposedly, when a man meets a woman that he truly wants to be with, which, from all *signs* (which others have informed me he shows) he does, he will bend himself to her. And she will bend for him. In the immortal words of Liz Emerson, Honey, if you've got no time for someone you really like, you make time. Which is true. But he complains of having ruined relationships before because the girl got pissed at the lack of involvement, without seeing his own faults. And his ex did leave him because he wasn't there for her the way she needed him to be. And his biggest fear is loneliness.
On some level, he knows the truth. On some level, I know the truth. But I've never felt like this before. I thought I had, but this is so much more. I used to think whatever this closeness was meant you'd die without the person. Now I see that real closeness means recognizing that getting in too deep will kill you long before letting go will.
So the real question is this: Is it better to die a little bit every day for years, not as complete as you'd like to be, but still alive, or to just swallow everything in one gulp, dying quickly, and all at once?
Well, Jay's biggest fear is loneliness. He's entirely afraid that he will never find anyone, never be with anyone, not even have any friends close enough to give a shit if he were sick, or hurt, or in need of help. Which is funny, since he's a genuinely attractive, intelligent, rather cuddly human being. He's just horribly afraid of loneliness.
He's also very stand-offish. Like, you know how when you're between the ages of 3 and 5, you realize that there are other people in the world, and that everything doesn't actually hinge on your whims? Well, I think Jay missed the memo. Not that this makes him a bad guy. Just, he doesn't tell people when he's leaving, like, online, he just disappears. Or he'll ignore you if he sees you on the street because he can't seem to get out of his own head long enough to notice the world around him. Now, some cynics may try to tell me that he's probably just trying to give me the hint that he's not interested. But when we're together, or when I make a move to say hello, he's very amiable. Publically or not. He didn't seem to be at first, but he truly is. He's just also very involved in himself.
So really, the point of all this, is that I'm at a crossroads. I will most certainly continue the friendship. He was there for me when I needed him, and we have good times. But continue to hold out hope for something more? I'm not sure. Supposedly, when a man meets a woman that he truly wants to be with, which, from all *signs* (which others have informed me he shows) he does, he will bend himself to her. And she will bend for him. In the immortal words of Liz Emerson, Honey, if you've got no time for someone you really like, you make time. Which is true. But he complains of having ruined relationships before because the girl got pissed at the lack of involvement, without seeing his own faults. And his ex did leave him because he wasn't there for her the way she needed him to be. And his biggest fear is loneliness.
On some level, he knows the truth. On some level, I know the truth. But I've never felt like this before. I thought I had, but this is so much more. I used to think whatever this closeness was meant you'd die without the person. Now I see that real closeness means recognizing that getting in too deep will kill you long before letting go will.
So the real question is this: Is it better to die a little bit every day for years, not as complete as you'd like to be, but still alive, or to just swallow everything in one gulp, dying quickly, and all at once?