Gossip Girl: Fic - An Ugly Fact of Life
The bowl of cereal is six inches to Blair’s left on the counter, far enough out of her way that she doesn’t have to look at it, but close enough that she could reach out and take it, if she wanted. If she hadn’t let the nonfat milt soak through, waterlogging the little squares of grain. She’s ruined this breakfast dish, and it bothers her that she doesn’t know if she’s done it on purpose or not.
This was one of her tricks, before. She would pour the milk over the cereal and leave it until there was no way she could gag the soggy mess down.
She’d gotten distracted today. Blair woke up, did her hair and makeup, poured her cereal and milk, got dressed, lost her purse, printed her paper, found her purse, and come back to the kitchen.
Blair isn’t hungry, she knows that.
But did she do it on purpose?
She eats a bagel and nonfat cream cheese instead, on her way out the door. Blair has actively tried to reform herself at all time, about all things. She wants to be perfect, but that means different things at different times.
At lunch, she worries about the pudding. She packed a mixed salad, nonfat dressing, a little bag of grapes. But she put in pudding, and one of her classmates bought her a frozen yogurt.
Blair already ate dessert. Does she eat the pudding?
Blair hates waste; it always made the cereal ploy a bit tough to stomach. She isn’t heartless, just ruthless. Jenny chose to involve herself in Blair’s games, starving children in India didn’t.
She wants the pudding. It’s vanilla and chocolate swirled together.
She eats the pudding.
In class, she feels like’s done something wrong, but she doesn’t know what it is. The guilt she feels is manifold and complex, spiraling out of her in a code she cannot understand. Blair isn’t sure if she’s guilty about eating (because she did? because two desserts might be-the word is disgusting and she crinkles her nose-binging?) or wanting to not eat.
Nothing feels like the right answer, and she excuses herself from the courtyard after class, walking back to the dorm with her headphones on so no one will bother her.
She tries three outfits on before Chuck arrives. He shows up early, because he loves her and misses her.
He tells her she looks beautiful; she smiles and kisses him.
At the restaurant, she has mixed greens and smoked salmon. And a few bites of Chuck’s steak. He wants to get dessert, but she’s already had dessert-two desserts.
And she’s stuck, because she thinks Chuck might know more than he’s ever let on about this.
Everyone has issues that distract them from the present; Chuck just happens to prefer to ignore his own issues and focus on everyone else’s instead.
In a way, he is the ideal secret-keeper, because all he wants to do is know. When crossed, Chuck will share or use the vast amounts of information at his disposal, but mostly he just wants to collect lies and misery. She understands, to an extent, because she does it herself.
Maybe he knows if she did it on purpose.
She suggests drinks instead, and he orders scotch for him and wine for her. Chuck doesn’t say anything, or look her over long and hard, or ask her if she’s okay.
He just is, she just is, and they just are.
Chuck reaches out and takes Blair’s hand, smiles at her like she’s the only thing that matters.
And she may not ever know the answer, but for one more day, she’ll be okay.
And tomorrow she will start again.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Summer Series #6