Fic: The Group Throws a Birthday-vention (3/?)
“I’m sorry what?” Jeff scoffed, crossing his arms as he frowned at Abed. “I think I misheard you. Did you say intervention?”
“Golden Oldie over here’s losing his hearing,” Pierce stage whispered to the others smugly. Jeff just glared at him. He didn’t have the time or energy to think of a witty comeback. And he’s not old damn it!
“No, you heard right. We’re throwing an intervention,” Abed answered Jeff’s question, also ignoring Pierce’s interjection. He looked at Jeff stone-faced in his usual, perfunctory way, like this was just any other Saturday night, when he and Troy would be playing Candyland and drafting a script for their remake of “Around the World in 80 Days.” With zombies. And aliens. It was going to be awesome.
At Jeff’s still-questioning look, he added, like it would clarify things, “Troy wanted to make an “Intervention” banner, but that’s more “How I Met Your Mother’s” wheelhouse, not really our style.”
“It would have been an awesome banner, though,” Troy mused to himself, shaking his head sadly. “It was gonna have glitter, and sequins and…” he reared back at everyone’s quizzical expressions. “But, you know, like … manly sequins.” He cleared his throat and puffed out his chest.
“Britta,” Pierce craned around Shirley to get a good look at the blonde. “Did you turn him too?”
Britta let out a frustrated groan and lunged at Pierce. Troy and Shirley managed to restrain her as Pierce took several large steps away from them and held up his hands defensively.
Refusing to be taken in by the abrupt-but customary-digression in the conversation, Annie cleared her throat and spoke up. “Ummm,” Annie looked at them all uncertainly, a slight fear and edge to her voice. “Intervention for what? If you guys think I’ve started using again I haven’t. I swear! I’ve been clean and sober since rehab.”
“No, An-nie,” Shirley cooed, approaching her and squeezing her shoulders reassuringly. “It’s not drugs! It’s an intervention for both you and Jeff.”
“What!” Jeff yelped. “What the hell? Why do I need an intervention? I mean OK, I admit. I’m on my phone maybe a little too much. But come on, guys, seriously? It’s not like I’m addicted” his tone getting more and more anxious, “I could go a week without it,” his gaze shifted around the group quickly, a twinge of desperation behind his eyes. He unconsciously placed his hand over his pants pocket, as if ready to protect his precious lifeline if need be.
“Ugh! No you douche!” Britta snapped. “This isn’t about your stupid little phone. Abed, would you explain please?”
“Basically, this is an intervention for the two of you to resolve your issues. Primarily, your UST.” Annie and Jeff looked at each other and shrugged confusedly before turning back to Abed.
“Unresolved Sexual Tension. The group is tired of you two skirting around each other, and your feelings. It’s annoying, and not to mention aggravating. The audience can only endure so much will-they-or-won’t-they sexual tension before they either lose interest or get angry. Just look at “Bones.” And you don’t want to make your viewers angry. Or lose interest. It’s bad for ratings.”
Jeff had reached the cap on the limited amount of patience he allotted for his meddlesome friends. “How many times do we have to go over this?” he ground out, clenching his jaw and glaring at everyone but Annie, his mood easily shifting from what was previously panic at the thought of confronting his addiction to his phone and now anger and irritation at finally understanding what his friends were up to. “There’s nothing going on between me and Annie. We are not a couple. I have chemistry with everyone.”
“Please, Jeff. That line’s as old as Pierce,” Troy stated blankly.
“Hey!” Pierce yelled, indignantly. “I’m not old, I’m nicely aged. Like fine wine.”
“Well if it’s anything like your Hawthorne wine, I think you’ve turned. You could peel paint with that stuff,” Jeff added, trying to get the topic off him and Annie and their non-relationship. The last thing he wanted was to be confronted and be forced to hash out… whatever there was between him and Annie when he didn’t even have it figured out himself.
“Can we get back to the reason we’re all here?” Shirley asked impatiently. “Some of us have babies to get home to. Andre can only handle the kids for so long. Last time I came home late, the boys had him blindfolded and hog-tied to the dining room chair.”
“Shirley’s right, guys. The point of tonight is to get Jeff and Annie to talk openly about what’s going on between them and to resolve this… ummm… whatever it’s called… between them… yeah,” Britta finished lamely.
“Did everyone forget their lines? This was all supposed to be much more convincing” Abed wondered aloud, shaking his head with disappointment.
“Not me! I wrote mine down on my arm!” Troy proudly rolled up his striped sweater to show them all.
“Britta, I can’t believe you of all people support this insanity,” Jeff said, turning to the blonde. “I mean, you freaked the hell out and went postal on both Annie and I when you found out about our kiss at the Transfer Dance.”
“Yeah, well,” she looked down at her feet before cautiously meeting Troy’s smiling eyes. She smiled brightly at her boyfriend before turning back to the man she used to have meaningless sex with. “Look, Jeff. Last year was not a great year for me. I was a mess. I mean, hell, I was hooking up with you. Obviously I was not in a good place.”
“Gee, thanks,” Jeff bit out sarcastically.
“But, I’m better now. I’m in an actual healthy relationship,” she smiled again at Troy and squeezed his hand. He winked at her adorably. “My first ever. And, I mean… OK I’m not gonna lie. The idea of you and Annie still kind of weirds me out a little, well, a lot actually, but there’s no denying that there’s something between you guys. It’s as obvious as the coal companies blowing up mountains in West Virginia and exploiting the locals for profit while pumping the lakes and rivers full of deadly-”
“UGH!!” The group groaned collectively, while Pierce’s Puerto Rican maid, Mirasol, added from the kitchen in her thick accent, “You’re the worst.”
“Oh come on!” Britta yelled, frazzled and a little crazed. “Why do people keep saying that? I’m not the worst. But… if being mindful and caring about the political, environmental and social climate of our messed up country and the world at large makes me ‘the worst’ then, fine! I’ll be the worst. But, like, ironically. Because really it means I’m the best. So, yeah! There! In your faces! Britta for the win!” and she pumped her arms in victory and self-congratulation.
At everyone’s non-amused expressions, she lowered her arms slowly, cleared her throat and continued hesitantly. “Look, you and Annie as a couple-it’s a lot. But if my relationship with Troy has taught me anything, it’s that you can find love in the most unlikely of places. And you can’t help who you fall in love with. So, I would be OK with it… eventually. If what’s between you two is the real thing-love-then I would be happy for you.”
“Where are you getting this crap? ‘Love is the real thing?’ ‘Love conquers all?’ What are you, reciting Hallmark cards while riding a tandem bicycle with Professor Whitman chasing a rainbow?”
“Bite me.” Britta stuck out her tongue at Jeff and crossed her arms while Troy slung a reassuring arm around her shoulders. “Stop deflecting you jag.”
“Shirley, what about you?” Annie asked. Shirley, whose focus had been shifting back and forth between Jeff and Britta like an exciting game of tennis at Wimbledon, slowly turned her gaze to Annie.
“Hmm? Yes dear?”
“Well, aside from Britta, it seems like you’d be the most against Jeff and I in any sort of … romantic context.” Annie glanced quickly at Jeff, nervous for his reaction to her choice of words, before looking back at Shirley. Jeff just stared straight ahead, not really seeing or hearing anything that was going on. Annie knew that look: He was in his own head right now.
“Well, I must admit,” Shirley began, pulling her sweater more closely around her frame and readjusting her oversized bag on her shoulder, “I don’t particularly like the idea of you and Jeff dating. It’s not that I don’t like both of you-because I do, I love you both,” she added in her sugary sweet voice, “it’s just that… I don’t think you are a particularly good match.” She winced and smiled apologetically. It was like ripping off her sons’ band aids-she knew she had to do it. But that didn’t keep her from feeling bad about it. “Annie, you’re so young, and impressionable, and naive. And Jeff, he’s… difficult, and abrasive sometimes. And experienced. Not to mention the age difference. I just worry about what would happen if you two decided to pursue a relationship. I want what’s best for you… for both of you. And even though you may feel things for one another, that doesn’t necessarily mean you would be a good match.”
“So why did you agree to be a part of this, to help setup this ridiculous ambush?” Jeff asked, finally returning to the conversation. He stared at her gravely, not angry or fuming at her words, just serious and contemplative.
“Because even though I don’t think you and Annie are right for each other, I do agree with everyone that something has to change. You two have been in this weird limbo for months now, maybe even years-not as innocent as platonic friends, but not taking it further into relationship status either. We’re not blind, you know. We all see the looks and secret smiles you two flash each other, all adorable and cutesy. And then when you realize exactly what you’re doing, you get all awkward about it and then avoid each other. It’s making everyone uncomfortable. Either decide to be just friends or decide to be more. But for goodness sakes, decide to be something!” she added, her tone rising in volume and dropping its syrupy lilt.
“Uh, excuse me,” Pierce held up a hand, drawing everyone’s gaze from an exasperated, but satisfied at speaking her peace, Shirley, to him. “I haven’t gotten a chance to speak my mind yet. Shirley and Brittles had their turns. I’m a part of this group, too, you know,” he looked at Jeff disapprovingly like it was his fault.
“Yes! Please! Of course, Pierce. Please tell us what you think. We’re all dying to know your opinion of Annie and my’s relationship.” Jeff bit out sarcastically. “Please, tell us why you think Annie and I aren’t right for each other.”
“Actually, cranky balls, I was going to say that I think you two should be together.”
“Really, Pierce?” Annie asked with genuine interest in her voice.
“Yes, really. … My sixth wife, Margaret, was the best wife I ever had. We loved each other very much. We were a lot like the two of you. When I see you guys together, and the way you interact, it reminds me of all the wonderful times I shared with Margaret.”
“Ohh, Pierce. That’s nice,” Shirley smiled sweetly at him. “What happened to her?”
“Oh, she divorced me after I cheated on her with my seventh wife, Ivana,” Pierce stated matter-of-factly. “She had excellent qualities as well. Two big, excellent qualities,” he cupped his hands and held them out in front of his chest and winked “if you know what I mean.” They knew what he meant. It was impossible not to know what he meant.
“Ugh! Pig!” Britta furrowed her brow in disgust.
“But that doesn’t mean we didn’t love each other, or that what Margaret and I had wasn’t real. Just like Annie and Jeff. Ay-bed and Troy agree with me.”
“Yeah, I’m cool with it. You guys should hook up.” Troy answered casually and shrugged his shoulders, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
“Yep. It’s true. Jeff and Annie are the pair with the most chemistry, the most passion. They’re the couple that the viewers will root for. Jeff and Annie are our Josh and Donna.” Thinking, he tilted his head and held up an index finger. “Hopefully it won’t take seven seasons for them to finally get together, though.”
“OK, you lunatics, so let me get this straight,” Jeff gestured around the room and looked at them like they’d had extra helpings of cuckoo flakes for breakfast. “This whole party was a front to get Annie and I here for an ‘intervention’,” here he held up his fingers and mimed air quotes, “about our ‘relationship’,” again adding the air quotes. “This was your last stand?” he mocked, throwing down his arms and furrowing his brows. “Wow. I must say I’m a little disappointed in you. I am a lawyer, after all. You know I can talk myself out of anything. This is it? This is what you’ve been planning and strategizing all week,” at the looks of surprise from the conspirators he added, “Yeah, don’t think I hadn’t noticed all your little rendezvous and secret meetings. I’m not an idiot. I just figured you were organizing Annie’s birthday and had finally learned to stop asking for my help to avoid hearing the obligatory ‘no.’” Again he gestured incredulously around the room, at the setting that was supposed house their climactic showdown. “This is it? This is your brilliant master plan?”
“Yep.”
“Ummm, yeah.”
“This is a great room. What’s your problem, gay boy?”
“Is he being serious or mocking us? I can’t tell when he swings his arms around like that.”
“I made brownies, too.”
Jeff turned to Annie, who hadn’t said anything in a while. Her eyes were huge with apprehension.
He turned back to the group. “Does ‘brilliant’ mean something different to you people than it does to us normal ones?”
“Hey! What do you mean ‘you people’?” both Shirley and Pierce yelled at the same time, then looked at each other before shaking their heads-Shirley out of disdain; Pierce out of confusion.
“Well,” Jeff started again, reaching into his pocket and pulling out his phone. “I would applaud you at your cleverness, but my hands are too busy googling the Mensa hotline to inform them of some new candidates.”
Everyone griped and grumbled, feeling resentful, except for Troy who smiled and said “Cool!” and Abed, who nodded to himself and whispered “Classic Winger” approvingly, making a mental note to add another notch when they returned to school. He was up to 57.
Jeff turned to Annie and leaned forward slightly so they were closer to eye level. He looked at her seriously and said “Annie, we don’t have to stay here and take this. We’re leaving. Come on.” He moved toward the door, but stopped and turned when he didn’t feel Annie’s presence following him. She was looking between Jeff and the group, hesitation and reluctance clear as day in her eyes. She was stuck, literally, in the middle, her body flooding with conflicting loyalties. She wanted to stay with her friends and maybe salvage a decent birthday party (Shirley did mention brownies); she wanted to go with Jeff and be closer to him, commiserate about how meddlesome their friends could be; but a third part of her, the growing in confidence part, wanted to stand her ground and speak her mind for once-something she hadn’t yet had the opportunity to do tonight. With a mental pat on the back, she put on her formidable face and opened her mouth to speak. But Jeff beat her to it.
“We’re leaving!” And he grabbed her wrist and started pulling her towards the front door.
Britta panicked, like a deer in the headlights, whipping her head wide-eyed between Abed and Troy, before bolting after them. Jeff and Annie heard someone closing in on them and turned around. Jeff still held Annie’s wrist tightly. A blur of blond hair assaulted the confused pair as they were unceremoniously shoved backwards into darkness, rendered powerless and speechless by the pure shock of it all. They saw Britta’s apologetic face before she swung the door shut, followed by the loud ‘click’ of a lock.
“Britta!” Troy shrieked, running in circles and waving his arms emotionally. “What did you do? You just locked Jeff and Annie in a closet! Why? Why? Jeff is gonna kill us! I’m too handsome to die!!” and he continued running in circles and crying.
“I’m sorry!” Britta defended, guilt clearly written across her face. “I panicked OK? They were gonna leave and then nothing was going to get resolved. And I can’t put up with another semester of this. It’s for the good of the group.”
“Oh dear. This is taking an unexpected turn. I didn’t sign up for this. I best get home to my babies before this gets any more out of hand. I don’t want to be the top story on the evening news.” With that Shirley pulled her brownies out of her purse and deposited them on the counter of the bar, gave them all a cheery wave goodbye and headed for the door, but not before stopping and shouting “Jeff, Annie. I had nothing to do with this. This was not part of the plan. Don’t be angry with me. … Jesus loves you!” she added for good measure and quickly exited the house.
“Do you think they’ll be OK in there?” Britta asked with concern, looking at her remaining friends helplessly.
“Oh they’ll be fine,” Pierce reassured, shrugging off Britta’s worry. “Although Jeff’s more used to coming out of closets than going into them. Ha! Zing!!” he chuckled to himself. “Now,” he rubbed his hands together enthusiastically, “who’s ready for a cocktail? I make a mean Drunken Monkey, Crouching Zebra. The other members of my Hive love it.”
“This just got exciting!” Abed exclaimed, ignoring Pierce and wishing he’d brought his camera. “Crazy hijinx, people being held against their will, Troy overreacting to the whole situation … and it’s not even sweeps week,” he nodded in satisfaction and shot a finger gun at the other three. “Cool. Coolcoolcool.”
Meanwhile, twenty feet away in Pierce's massive coat closet...
“So.”
“So.”
Jeff let out a long, tired sigh into the stale darkness. “Well, this should be interesting.”
TBC
“Golden Oldie over here’s losing his hearing,” Pierce stage whispered to the others smugly. Jeff just glared at him. He didn’t have the time or energy to think of a witty comeback. And he’s not old damn it!
“No, you heard right. We’re throwing an intervention,” Abed answered Jeff’s question, also ignoring Pierce’s interjection. He looked at Jeff stone-faced in his usual, perfunctory way, like this was just any other Saturday night, when he and Troy would be playing Candyland and drafting a script for their remake of “Around the World in 80 Days.” With zombies. And aliens. It was going to be awesome.
At Jeff’s still-questioning look, he added, like it would clarify things, “Troy wanted to make an “Intervention” banner, but that’s more “How I Met Your Mother’s” wheelhouse, not really our style.”
“It would have been an awesome banner, though,” Troy mused to himself, shaking his head sadly. “It was gonna have glitter, and sequins and…” he reared back at everyone’s quizzical expressions. “But, you know, like … manly sequins.” He cleared his throat and puffed out his chest.
“Britta,” Pierce craned around Shirley to get a good look at the blonde. “Did you turn him too?”
Britta let out a frustrated groan and lunged at Pierce. Troy and Shirley managed to restrain her as Pierce took several large steps away from them and held up his hands defensively.
Refusing to be taken in by the abrupt-but customary-digression in the conversation, Annie cleared her throat and spoke up. “Ummm,” Annie looked at them all uncertainly, a slight fear and edge to her voice. “Intervention for what? If you guys think I’ve started using again I haven’t. I swear! I’ve been clean and sober since rehab.”
“No, An-nie,” Shirley cooed, approaching her and squeezing her shoulders reassuringly. “It’s not drugs! It’s an intervention for both you and Jeff.”
“What!” Jeff yelped. “What the hell? Why do I need an intervention? I mean OK, I admit. I’m on my phone maybe a little too much. But come on, guys, seriously? It’s not like I’m addicted” his tone getting more and more anxious, “I could go a week without it,” his gaze shifted around the group quickly, a twinge of desperation behind his eyes. He unconsciously placed his hand over his pants pocket, as if ready to protect his precious lifeline if need be.
“Ugh! No you douche!” Britta snapped. “This isn’t about your stupid little phone. Abed, would you explain please?”
“Basically, this is an intervention for the two of you to resolve your issues. Primarily, your UST.” Annie and Jeff looked at each other and shrugged confusedly before turning back to Abed.
“Unresolved Sexual Tension. The group is tired of you two skirting around each other, and your feelings. It’s annoying, and not to mention aggravating. The audience can only endure so much will-they-or-won’t-they sexual tension before they either lose interest or get angry. Just look at “Bones.” And you don’t want to make your viewers angry. Or lose interest. It’s bad for ratings.”
Jeff had reached the cap on the limited amount of patience he allotted for his meddlesome friends. “How many times do we have to go over this?” he ground out, clenching his jaw and glaring at everyone but Annie, his mood easily shifting from what was previously panic at the thought of confronting his addiction to his phone and now anger and irritation at finally understanding what his friends were up to. “There’s nothing going on between me and Annie. We are not a couple. I have chemistry with everyone.”
“Please, Jeff. That line’s as old as Pierce,” Troy stated blankly.
“Hey!” Pierce yelled, indignantly. “I’m not old, I’m nicely aged. Like fine wine.”
“Well if it’s anything like your Hawthorne wine, I think you’ve turned. You could peel paint with that stuff,” Jeff added, trying to get the topic off him and Annie and their non-relationship. The last thing he wanted was to be confronted and be forced to hash out… whatever there was between him and Annie when he didn’t even have it figured out himself.
“Can we get back to the reason we’re all here?” Shirley asked impatiently. “Some of us have babies to get home to. Andre can only handle the kids for so long. Last time I came home late, the boys had him blindfolded and hog-tied to the dining room chair.”
“Shirley’s right, guys. The point of tonight is to get Jeff and Annie to talk openly about what’s going on between them and to resolve this… ummm… whatever it’s called… between them… yeah,” Britta finished lamely.
“Did everyone forget their lines? This was all supposed to be much more convincing” Abed wondered aloud, shaking his head with disappointment.
“Not me! I wrote mine down on my arm!” Troy proudly rolled up his striped sweater to show them all.
“Britta, I can’t believe you of all people support this insanity,” Jeff said, turning to the blonde. “I mean, you freaked the hell out and went postal on both Annie and I when you found out about our kiss at the Transfer Dance.”
“Yeah, well,” she looked down at her feet before cautiously meeting Troy’s smiling eyes. She smiled brightly at her boyfriend before turning back to the man she used to have meaningless sex with. “Look, Jeff. Last year was not a great year for me. I was a mess. I mean, hell, I was hooking up with you. Obviously I was not in a good place.”
“Gee, thanks,” Jeff bit out sarcastically.
“But, I’m better now. I’m in an actual healthy relationship,” she smiled again at Troy and squeezed his hand. He winked at her adorably. “My first ever. And, I mean… OK I’m not gonna lie. The idea of you and Annie still kind of weirds me out a little, well, a lot actually, but there’s no denying that there’s something between you guys. It’s as obvious as the coal companies blowing up mountains in West Virginia and exploiting the locals for profit while pumping the lakes and rivers full of deadly-”
“UGH!!” The group groaned collectively, while Pierce’s Puerto Rican maid, Mirasol, added from the kitchen in her thick accent, “You’re the worst.”
“Oh come on!” Britta yelled, frazzled and a little crazed. “Why do people keep saying that? I’m not the worst. But… if being mindful and caring about the political, environmental and social climate of our messed up country and the world at large makes me ‘the worst’ then, fine! I’ll be the worst. But, like, ironically. Because really it means I’m the best. So, yeah! There! In your faces! Britta for the win!” and she pumped her arms in victory and self-congratulation.
At everyone’s non-amused expressions, she lowered her arms slowly, cleared her throat and continued hesitantly. “Look, you and Annie as a couple-it’s a lot. But if my relationship with Troy has taught me anything, it’s that you can find love in the most unlikely of places. And you can’t help who you fall in love with. So, I would be OK with it… eventually. If what’s between you two is the real thing-love-then I would be happy for you.”
“Where are you getting this crap? ‘Love is the real thing?’ ‘Love conquers all?’ What are you, reciting Hallmark cards while riding a tandem bicycle with Professor Whitman chasing a rainbow?”
“Bite me.” Britta stuck out her tongue at Jeff and crossed her arms while Troy slung a reassuring arm around her shoulders. “Stop deflecting you jag.”
“Shirley, what about you?” Annie asked. Shirley, whose focus had been shifting back and forth between Jeff and Britta like an exciting game of tennis at Wimbledon, slowly turned her gaze to Annie.
“Hmm? Yes dear?”
“Well, aside from Britta, it seems like you’d be the most against Jeff and I in any sort of … romantic context.” Annie glanced quickly at Jeff, nervous for his reaction to her choice of words, before looking back at Shirley. Jeff just stared straight ahead, not really seeing or hearing anything that was going on. Annie knew that look: He was in his own head right now.
“Well, I must admit,” Shirley began, pulling her sweater more closely around her frame and readjusting her oversized bag on her shoulder, “I don’t particularly like the idea of you and Jeff dating. It’s not that I don’t like both of you-because I do, I love you both,” she added in her sugary sweet voice, “it’s just that… I don’t think you are a particularly good match.” She winced and smiled apologetically. It was like ripping off her sons’ band aids-she knew she had to do it. But that didn’t keep her from feeling bad about it. “Annie, you’re so young, and impressionable, and naive. And Jeff, he’s… difficult, and abrasive sometimes. And experienced. Not to mention the age difference. I just worry about what would happen if you two decided to pursue a relationship. I want what’s best for you… for both of you. And even though you may feel things for one another, that doesn’t necessarily mean you would be a good match.”
“So why did you agree to be a part of this, to help setup this ridiculous ambush?” Jeff asked, finally returning to the conversation. He stared at her gravely, not angry or fuming at her words, just serious and contemplative.
“Because even though I don’t think you and Annie are right for each other, I do agree with everyone that something has to change. You two have been in this weird limbo for months now, maybe even years-not as innocent as platonic friends, but not taking it further into relationship status either. We’re not blind, you know. We all see the looks and secret smiles you two flash each other, all adorable and cutesy. And then when you realize exactly what you’re doing, you get all awkward about it and then avoid each other. It’s making everyone uncomfortable. Either decide to be just friends or decide to be more. But for goodness sakes, decide to be something!” she added, her tone rising in volume and dropping its syrupy lilt.
“Uh, excuse me,” Pierce held up a hand, drawing everyone’s gaze from an exasperated, but satisfied at speaking her peace, Shirley, to him. “I haven’t gotten a chance to speak my mind yet. Shirley and Brittles had their turns. I’m a part of this group, too, you know,” he looked at Jeff disapprovingly like it was his fault.
“Yes! Please! Of course, Pierce. Please tell us what you think. We’re all dying to know your opinion of Annie and my’s relationship.” Jeff bit out sarcastically. “Please, tell us why you think Annie and I aren’t right for each other.”
“Actually, cranky balls, I was going to say that I think you two should be together.”
“Really, Pierce?” Annie asked with genuine interest in her voice.
“Yes, really. … My sixth wife, Margaret, was the best wife I ever had. We loved each other very much. We were a lot like the two of you. When I see you guys together, and the way you interact, it reminds me of all the wonderful times I shared with Margaret.”
“Ohh, Pierce. That’s nice,” Shirley smiled sweetly at him. “What happened to her?”
“Oh, she divorced me after I cheated on her with my seventh wife, Ivana,” Pierce stated matter-of-factly. “She had excellent qualities as well. Two big, excellent qualities,” he cupped his hands and held them out in front of his chest and winked “if you know what I mean.” They knew what he meant. It was impossible not to know what he meant.
“Ugh! Pig!” Britta furrowed her brow in disgust.
“But that doesn’t mean we didn’t love each other, or that what Margaret and I had wasn’t real. Just like Annie and Jeff. Ay-bed and Troy agree with me.”
“Yeah, I’m cool with it. You guys should hook up.” Troy answered casually and shrugged his shoulders, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
“Yep. It’s true. Jeff and Annie are the pair with the most chemistry, the most passion. They’re the couple that the viewers will root for. Jeff and Annie are our Josh and Donna.” Thinking, he tilted his head and held up an index finger. “Hopefully it won’t take seven seasons for them to finally get together, though.”
“OK, you lunatics, so let me get this straight,” Jeff gestured around the room and looked at them like they’d had extra helpings of cuckoo flakes for breakfast. “This whole party was a front to get Annie and I here for an ‘intervention’,” here he held up his fingers and mimed air quotes, “about our ‘relationship’,” again adding the air quotes. “This was your last stand?” he mocked, throwing down his arms and furrowing his brows. “Wow. I must say I’m a little disappointed in you. I am a lawyer, after all. You know I can talk myself out of anything. This is it? This is what you’ve been planning and strategizing all week,” at the looks of surprise from the conspirators he added, “Yeah, don’t think I hadn’t noticed all your little rendezvous and secret meetings. I’m not an idiot. I just figured you were organizing Annie’s birthday and had finally learned to stop asking for my help to avoid hearing the obligatory ‘no.’” Again he gestured incredulously around the room, at the setting that was supposed house their climactic showdown. “This is it? This is your brilliant master plan?”
“Yep.”
“Ummm, yeah.”
“This is a great room. What’s your problem, gay boy?”
“Is he being serious or mocking us? I can’t tell when he swings his arms around like that.”
“I made brownies, too.”
Jeff turned to Annie, who hadn’t said anything in a while. Her eyes were huge with apprehension.
He turned back to the group. “Does ‘brilliant’ mean something different to you people than it does to us normal ones?”
“Hey! What do you mean ‘you people’?” both Shirley and Pierce yelled at the same time, then looked at each other before shaking their heads-Shirley out of disdain; Pierce out of confusion.
“Well,” Jeff started again, reaching into his pocket and pulling out his phone. “I would applaud you at your cleverness, but my hands are too busy googling the Mensa hotline to inform them of some new candidates.”
Everyone griped and grumbled, feeling resentful, except for Troy who smiled and said “Cool!” and Abed, who nodded to himself and whispered “Classic Winger” approvingly, making a mental note to add another notch when they returned to school. He was up to 57.
Jeff turned to Annie and leaned forward slightly so they were closer to eye level. He looked at her seriously and said “Annie, we don’t have to stay here and take this. We’re leaving. Come on.” He moved toward the door, but stopped and turned when he didn’t feel Annie’s presence following him. She was looking between Jeff and the group, hesitation and reluctance clear as day in her eyes. She was stuck, literally, in the middle, her body flooding with conflicting loyalties. She wanted to stay with her friends and maybe salvage a decent birthday party (Shirley did mention brownies); she wanted to go with Jeff and be closer to him, commiserate about how meddlesome their friends could be; but a third part of her, the growing in confidence part, wanted to stand her ground and speak her mind for once-something she hadn’t yet had the opportunity to do tonight. With a mental pat on the back, she put on her formidable face and opened her mouth to speak. But Jeff beat her to it.
“We’re leaving!” And he grabbed her wrist and started pulling her towards the front door.
Britta panicked, like a deer in the headlights, whipping her head wide-eyed between Abed and Troy, before bolting after them. Jeff and Annie heard someone closing in on them and turned around. Jeff still held Annie’s wrist tightly. A blur of blond hair assaulted the confused pair as they were unceremoniously shoved backwards into darkness, rendered powerless and speechless by the pure shock of it all. They saw Britta’s apologetic face before she swung the door shut, followed by the loud ‘click’ of a lock.
“Britta!” Troy shrieked, running in circles and waving his arms emotionally. “What did you do? You just locked Jeff and Annie in a closet! Why? Why? Jeff is gonna kill us! I’m too handsome to die!!” and he continued running in circles and crying.
“I’m sorry!” Britta defended, guilt clearly written across her face. “I panicked OK? They were gonna leave and then nothing was going to get resolved. And I can’t put up with another semester of this. It’s for the good of the group.”
“Oh dear. This is taking an unexpected turn. I didn’t sign up for this. I best get home to my babies before this gets any more out of hand. I don’t want to be the top story on the evening news.” With that Shirley pulled her brownies out of her purse and deposited them on the counter of the bar, gave them all a cheery wave goodbye and headed for the door, but not before stopping and shouting “Jeff, Annie. I had nothing to do with this. This was not part of the plan. Don’t be angry with me. … Jesus loves you!” she added for good measure and quickly exited the house.
“Do you think they’ll be OK in there?” Britta asked with concern, looking at her remaining friends helplessly.
“Oh they’ll be fine,” Pierce reassured, shrugging off Britta’s worry. “Although Jeff’s more used to coming out of closets than going into them. Ha! Zing!!” he chuckled to himself. “Now,” he rubbed his hands together enthusiastically, “who’s ready for a cocktail? I make a mean Drunken Monkey, Crouching Zebra. The other members of my Hive love it.”
“This just got exciting!” Abed exclaimed, ignoring Pierce and wishing he’d brought his camera. “Crazy hijinx, people being held against their will, Troy overreacting to the whole situation … and it’s not even sweeps week,” he nodded in satisfaction and shot a finger gun at the other three. “Cool. Coolcoolcool.”
Meanwhile, twenty feet away in Pierce's massive coat closet...
“So.”
“So.”
Jeff let out a long, tired sigh into the stale darkness. “Well, this should be interesting.”
TBC